I had to write this humerous essay for English, and this is how it turned out. I think you guys will be able to enjoy it!
Honors English 9
Accident Victim Report #17:
I’ll admit it. The only reason I wanted to upgrade my computer in the first place was because I am a PC gamer. But worry not… I’ll never try it again. To get games with the really fancy, advanced graphics like “Pac-Man” or “Space Invaders” you need to have so many upgrades! Graphics cards, processing units, mice, keyboards, and monitors? Who can afford all that? I sold my PC’s fan just to get the wire for the mouse– they say it needs to be “connected”. They tell me that I can get a wireless mouse that doesn’t need to bed connected, but those cost like $4000 dollars, and most of them have lasers on the bottom that might blind me forever! What a rip-off! And now my PC is giving me all of these “overheated” messages, but I can’t click the O.K. button, because my mouse is still slacking! It has a wire in it, and still nothing! I keep hitting it with the loose end of the wire to motivate it, but it simply sits there. Perhaps I should just stick to console gaming. You buy a game, put it in the disc drive, (of which there’s only one), and it works! No intelligence level higher than that of a caveman is required. You probably have to be smarter to play the games than to run them!
Now, I guy on an internet forum once asked me whether I wanted to game on a cheetah or a fluffy kitten. He was comparing consoles to computers, and I’m pretty sure of what he thought was the right answer. But fluffy kittens don’t chase you down and eat you alive! Besides, he was on a internet forum, and the only people there are already computer super-geeks anyway.
Not to be defeated quite so easily, I shopped around for this all-important “Graphics Card”. It’s a little card, a computer chip, that goes in the back of your computer and runs the complicated graphical programs. To figure out how amazing they were, I first had to find out how bad card I had was. And what I discovered was that my cheetah was missing several claws, an ear, and probably its tail. The manufacturers were even nice enough to put the words “Family Chipset” in the card’s name just to make sure I knew how cheap it was.
So what graphics card do I need to buy? That’s more of a philosophical question, if you ask me. The brand I’m looking at has several series: ATI Radeon 250 Xpress, ATI Radeon 9000, ATI Radeon 8000, and ATI 26-something, in condescending order of un-fathomability. They are advertised randomly, and organized in the directory alphabetically. It seems that they started going up by 40 every time they made a new card, then made a couple exceptions, then finally scrapped it for an increase of 500, starting at a different point. Then they went down by 698, give or take a few, but afterwards changed again and went in either direction by adding or subtracting the nearest prime number in that direction. Of course, I would be wrong.
I finally got a super-moderator on the super-geek internet forums to translate all this for me, and she (or he, or it) kindly pointed out the newest card. It is roughly 31x as powerful as the computer I want to run it on, and required about 3x as much electrical power as well. As wall outlets don’t deliver that kind of power, if I want to run the card, I would have to invest in an electrical generator. And if I want enough money left to play computer with a roof over my head, I got to get one of those cheaper hamster-wheel type generators. Oh well, that’s not all bad. I’ll get exercise every time I turn my computer on! Or maybe I can get my mouse to run the wheel for me. It needs to stop freeloading, and maybe if it gets some exercise, it’ll start eating again. It hasn’t touched a crumb of food since I got it, and that rather worries me.
An interface with the new ATI Radeon card and my computer would probably go something like this:
Radeon: Yo! Wassup?
PC: New device detected.
Radeon: Um, yeah. So, do you have Crysis? How about Mass Effect? C’mon, show me some way-cool games!
Radeon: What d’ya mean, scanning? It shouldn’t take long enough for you to have to say that! I mean, look at me! I’m a goof-off, all I can do is play games. And I have no problemo, man!
Radeon: At least you “real” computers have respectable jobs! How d’you think I feel? You don’t know what you’ve got, do you?
Radeon: You don’t care! You just don’t care! I’m outta’ here, silicon retard!!
PC: Unknown device 3 was disconnected without proper shutdown. Warning: this may cause data loss.
What’s worse, all the bits of information that the great and terrible Google allows to filter down to poor little me, support that idea. I’d probably have to upgrade to a better system. Sometimes it seems like every game on the shelf is for Windows, and some brand-spanking new version of it, like Vista, or XP, or 2000. It’s like they want me to buy a new computer every 20 years! I feel like they’re just out for my money.
I think that lazy mouse it chewing on the other wires in my computer. I haven’t caught it in the act, though. I’d set up a hidden camera or something, but one digital device at a time is enough insanity for me. So I’ve resorted to keeping it in a cage while I keep telling it what I want it to do.
I didn’t buy into that whole graphics card fiasco in the end. But I can’t even do something as simple as watch a movie on my computer. You see, the DVD player went along with the fan, this time to pay for a “Frame.” The card, I found out, wouldn’t have fit in my computers card slots or whatever, so it was either buy the special frame or just stuff the card really hard into the slot and make it fit, but I’ve been warned that can cause data loss.
So I put the video in. No problem there! Nope, I can handle that, I was just fine… okay, okay, so I actually just pressed random buttons on the PC until I found what I thought was the right drive. Could happen to anybody! Then, the PC asks me: “Would you like to play the video disc?” No, you silly machine, I want to watch my movie! Of course, I can’t tell it that without a good mouse. I tried just telling the computer that, explaining as slowly and carefully as possible, but it just stares at me with this stupid computer-eyed look. It’s like it doesn’t understand plain & simple English!
It’s two weeks later. I have my mouse in counseling, and I’m giving my computer Gatorade to cool it down. I offered lemonade, of course, but it went “Fizzle, fizzle.” At least we’re on speaking terms, right? Anyway, I took the hint that doesn’t like lemonade, so I’m giving it Gatorade. No more overheated messages! Actually, I haven’t been getting any messages lately. The screen’s a little dark these days. I figure it’s just wearing some shades just it’s hot out.
It’s all going to change, I swear it? Check it out, I overheard this conversation earlier today. People were talking about how when digital stuff is dirty, it doesn’t work. I’ll bet that that’s my problem! I’m running the bath as we speak. By a stroke of luck, there is an outlet near enough so I can keep my computer plugged in. Like the manual said, never unplug your computer when you want to use it. See I’m learning *trails off*
This document was found on the person of REPLACE: Relenzo 2, who was found dead in his bathtub on September 14, 2008. Cause of death: Electrocution.
Huber Heights Police Department.