Druid_Allanon Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum? BILLY : No, I'm Billy Anderson. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave? STUDENT: Yes, Sir. TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. ---------------------------------------------------- HAROLD : Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER : Of course not. HAROLD : Good, because I didn't do my homework. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper. JOHN : I hope you didn't either. ---------------------------------------------------- GARY : I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. ---------------------------------------------------- MOTHER : Why did you get such a low mark on that test? JUNIOR : Because of absence. MOTHER : You mean you were absent on the day of the test? JUNIOR : No, but the kid who sits next to me was. ---------------------------------------------------- SILVIA : Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA : Your name on this report card. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER : What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet. ---------------------------------------------------- HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE : Don't bite any. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN : I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence. MAX : The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail. ---------------------------------------------------- MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get? SASHA : A new bike. ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? VINCENT: One dollar. TEACHER: (sadly)You don't know your arithmetic. VINCENT: (sadly)You don't know my father ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands! ---------------------------------------------------- BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy! GIRL: Say, do you know who I am? BOY : No. GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter. BOY : And do you know who I am? GIRL: No. BOY : Thank goodness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 19, 2004 Author Share Posted February 19, 2004 The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Windu Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 RICK YOU STOLE YOUR JOKES FROM THE EBAUMSWORLD WEBISTE *dramatic music* u cheater . I don't have any really good jokes, most of mine are too vulgar to post on LF... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark jedi 8 Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone". p.s. sorry if it may offend anyone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Windu Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 those darned mexicans! lol! nice one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark jedi 8 Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 1) After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire." 2) A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now." 3) IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet. AT WORK........You have to share. IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.......They are called supervisors. IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Cheat Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 what does michael jackson like about twenty eight year olds? there are twenty of them, duh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkLord60 Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Originally posted by Tie 23 My 100% totally original joke I've been using on the internet for about 3 years HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK F*CK, IF A WOOD CHUCK COULD F*CK WOOD? TiE Only you would bring that joke up lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lightsaberboy Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 some of my favorite engineering jokes. Definition of a Chemical Engineer CHEMICAL ENGINEER: n. A person who does for profit what a chemist does for fun. see also "Prostitution" THE BOY AND THE FROG A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool." An old Engineering Joke An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." An Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue. Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crow_Nest Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Why is 6 afriad of 7? Because 7, 8 (ate) 9! I think most of you know this one already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 Originally posted by |GG|Crow_Nest Why is 6 afriad of 7? Because 7, 8 (ate) 9! I think most of you know this one already. I saw that on Dexter's Laboratory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crow_Nest Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Why did the man pour water out of his windoW? Because he wanted to see a waterfall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I'm gonna spice this up a bit with some Red neck jokes. You just might be a redneck if you see a sign that says, "no butts," and it reminds you to pull up your pants. You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion to pick up women. You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You might be a redneck if every day someone comes to your house asking if theres a girage sale. You might be a redneck if you've got more guns than teeth. You might be a redneck if you have a mobile home and five cars that arn't. You might be a redneck if you moe your lawn and find a car. You might just be a redneck if your family goes on vacation and somewhere theres a k-mart that's empty. (And those are off the top of my head, not off some web site, cuz I'm not a lazy biatch!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by Mandalorian54 (And those are off the top of my head, not off some web site, cuz I'm not a lazy biatch!) More like, those are off the top of Jeff foxworthy's head. Why didn't Helen Keller have a good time at the zoo? Because she couldn't see or hear any of the animals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 More like, those are off the top of Jeff foxworthy's head. True. *nodds head* An american, a german, and a newfie were traveling in the desert on a vacation together when their geep broke down. They each decided to take one thing with them and split up. The american took the waterbattle, "If I get thirsty I can have a drink." The german took the compass, "I can find my way out with this." The newfie took the jeep's door. "If I get hot, I can roll down the windo." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkLord60 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by IG-64 I saw that on Dexter's Laboratory Me thinks he watches cartoons Wait I watch the simpsons and Family guy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by DarkLord60 Me thinks he watches cartoons Wait I watch the simpsons and Family guy! I used to, I stopped a few months ago, they just play boring replays now, or terrible steriotype cartoons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Who doesn't watch cartoons. Man ya gotta love spunge bob and Futurama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by Mandalorian54 Who doesn't watch cartoons. Man ya gotta love spunge bob and Futurama. I don't watch nickelodian... *shivers* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 nickelodeon? So you've never watched Spunge bob or Futurama? U suck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by Mandalorian54 nickelodeon? So you've never watched Spunge bob or Futurama? U suck! So I spelled it wrong, so sue me Spongebob, IMO, is worthless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I wasn't correcting your grammer, I just didn't know they were by nickalodeon. Not like I can spell it anyway. But man Spunge bob is so funny. And Futurama is the best cartoon of all time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExcelsioN Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Futurama isn't Nickolodean! Its by whoever made The Simpsons. Futurama and The Simpsons are the only cartoons I watch. Nickelodeon is worthless. That was kinda off-topic I can't think of any jokes right now, maybe its becuase I just can't seem to laugh much at written jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I don't care who Spunge bob's by, it shouldn't matter. The company doesn't determine the quality. Take Freaky Friday for example, it's by disney but it's still a kick ass movie. And Spunge bob is hilarious, I laph my head off when I watch it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by Mandalorian54 I don't care who Spunge bob's by, it shouldn't matter. The company doesn't determine the quality. Take Freaky Friday for example, it's by disney but it's still a kick ass movie. And Spunge bob is hilarious, I laph my head off when I watch it. meh, not my style, I like out-of-nowhere funny I don't have any jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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