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Orange Cider Pickle-Faced Nostril Monkey


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Computers have so many possibilities.


When's the last time a computer 'got down with it'?

This is what I think should happen from time to time.


You're quietly sitting down on your chair, sipping some dainty green leaf tea... raising your spectacles periodically... reading the latest online update of "Normal, Casual, Non-Eventful Things Weekly"... when suddenly, the lights around you grow dim.


Your mouse flies up in the air and spins around like a lasso. The cursor does a little jig, break dancing or doing the worm on top of your dock. Your keyboard performs a little tap dance-like number.


The internal clock on the top-right hand corner changes into "TIME TO GET DOWWWWWN, HOLMES."


On AOL, instead of saying "You've got mail," it would say, "You've got funk," in a deep, sexy Barry White voice.


Your CD drive opens up, and on the tray the CD is spinning like a record, playing "Off The Wall" by Michael Jackson. Every so often the CD stops abruptly in its place and makes a "bzzzt" sound, as if someone was deliberately causing the record/CD to skip.


The printer turns on and spontaneously starts spewing out pages that say in large, bold letters, "Get down" or "Time to get jiggy widdit".


Speaking of interesting, I think this would be an interesting sight.


Some guy gets two bicycles, and while standing up places both of his feet upon each seat (superglue would make them stick together, perhaps). While struggling to maintain his balance, he would begin walking as if the bicycles were a pair of shoes.


I wouldn't mind seeing someone walk down the street like that. Also, he'd attach a large wheelchair to each hand (there would be a pouch on the seat, like a baseball glove), ultimately making him a walking bicycle/wheelchair contraption. If he was really into this, he'd stick a mini propellor hat upon his head, allowing himself to gently glide through the air, a maximum of two inches above ground level, perhaps.


Last random spewing:


When people have nothing good to say, but they say stuff anyway and it comes out as dungy muck and scrappel, I could probably live with that - that is, if their voice were an instrument, and instead of boring ol' English we'd get gentle, lulling musical notes. Their voice box is no longer a rusted larynx, but a violin, a simple piano, or perhaps an alluring, sweet-sounding aeolian harp.


Still, we'd have to be realistic. The really bothersome people would probably speak in bagpipe or broken saxaphone. The inane rambling types - who talk so fast that the things they're saying are naturally incoherent - would speak in 'drum set' with the occasional cymbal (I dunno what that represents; I'm trying not to get too symbolic). Boring people would speak the French horn, and those depressed and gloomy would recite Mahler's 6th symphony as much as possible. "Life is a trombone, in A," they'd imply.


(I'm hoping this rant was mildly amusing... if not, sue me.)


PS. I'd like to replace all our roads with very long carpets. Then when all the cars are driving along, I'd casually sneak up at the end and roll it up. All the cars would have to escape the impending carpet tsunami, and it's all thanks to me.



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