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The Critic's 2 cents

have I been honest and not overly critical?  

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  1. 1. have I been honest and not overly critical?

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Thank you for your review Mach. As I said before you have reinspired my writing streak.


If you have read the reviews, you will know that our friend Darth Sadis has spent most of his time over at the Galactic senate.


I'm glad I convinced him to try again.

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Mach i was wondering when you have the time can you review Philosophy of the force?

Can't guarantee how soon. Everyone who has asked in the last month, I am sorry. I have been deep in the second of the Faerie novels, and I have barely updated Republic Dawn.


I said I would get to it, and I will. John, send it to me via e-mail.




That comment reminds me of one Bloom county where Bill the Cat had become a tele evangelist and said 'send me 80 million dollars, and I'll have god call all of the other big name TEs home'.


Oh BTW, Anyone who is interested in buying copies of my non-Star Wars stuff, I have them posted on a website. Downloads are 2 bucks each, books cost more. E-mail me for the address.

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16 June


Coruscant Entertainment Center


The Dark Apprentice



After the destruction of the Star Forge The Sith apprentice Bastila remembers the final moments of the station.


The only complaint I have is technical, MLC. The life support system should be giving a warning not about the level of oxygen remaining in a sealed system. Rather it should be giving a measure of the CO2 level or a timer instead.


Let me know when you post the follow on piece, I’d like to read it. It’s pretty good so far.


Dantooine's students.

Master Kan-Maz


After the rebuilding of the Dantooine Academy: New students are greeted by their master.


The one comment made by Jedi master 12 pretty much covers the first comment I would make, that the author needed to be more descriptive. We know little or nothing about the characters beyond they are there. The style could use some work, specifically quotation marks and some checking for spelling and grammar.


If this is a ‘choose your own’ story, there is no reason for it to lay fallow because the original author has let it sit. I am going to post a suggestion to it that maybe we have some ask another author to add to it, and rotate who is in the barrel for it.



Jedi Forces - Shadows Of War




One year after the events of Jedi Academy; Jan Ors and her new partner are captured by the Imperial Remnant, forcing the Jedi to lend assistance.


First the technical points. The briefing given by Mon Motha was too precise. If she had known what was happening below, she would have sent a larger team. All you had to do is give the name of the ship. Saying it is called by a specific name is redundant. The work needs editing especially of wording and some grammar checking.


On the whole an interesting scenario. Keep it up.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Invasion of Coruscant

Darth AJ


Alternate universe. The Republic attacks Coruscant in the climatic battle instead of Endor.


The piece needs editing, grammar and spelling checking, and some rewording. He is rather vague from the start and it gets worse when the battle scene starts. Nothing that can’t be corrected however.


Since he is not on the Lucasforums site, I really can’t ding him too bad about a poorly written battle scene. In fact part of the problem is something I hadn’t addressed. First, if this were following the movies except for the second Death Star, Luke is only in his mid to late 20s. He had never lead troops in combat that we know of. While during the Clone wars you had kids being given the rank of Commander and General, you have a 16-year gap when political reliability and merit were reasons.


So the scene is the equivalent of a Marine Corps butter-bar second lieutenant telling the Admiral where the troops would be placed is rather bizarre. If he was the commander of the assault, he should have already had an Airhead (The airborne equivalent of a beachhead) set. If he were the ground force commander, however, he would be able to make such changes. Since Luke’s expertise was as a pilot, I would have accepted a Squadron commander instead.


The author also ignored the fact that a home fleet (The one assigned to protect your homeland) is as large as any other. If I had been building the entire Fleet the Empire used in the movies, the one at Endor would have been only a a good sized (maybe 25%) of the force at his disposal while the Rebels were going for an all or nothing attack.


He is also ignoring the reality of an invasion. You would have to fight through that fleet before landing. All the enemy has to do is destroy the three ships carrying your invasion force to win. A trained Admiral would not have suggested this attack. Too much is being risked literally on a throw of the dice.


Yoda's Grammar Lessons,



Obi-wan has an interesting day trying to correct Yoda’s grammar.


It is light, amusing, and enjoyable. The style well thought out and executed.


If I were studying the Jedi as a whole, I would say this was more a test of Obi-wan’s patience. Yoda, as a friend of mine pointed out, speak like a Welshman learning English for the first time. Since he’s over 800 at this point, having the equivalent of a child teach him how to speak is amusing.


republic commando: out gunned, a story of beta squad commandos

Darth Sithus


After the battle of Geonosis, a Clone officer takes command of a new unit.


The basics are good, but the work needs editing in regards to grammar, language usage and spelling, and definitely needs conversation breaks and quotation marks.


It is a well-done slice of a soldier’s life.





New Beginnings

Darth pernicious


Assumed to be start of KOTOR II: Carth as drill instructor.


I didn’t say much above about this because there isn’t a lot to review. If the author writes more, I will look at it.


Snapshot: A Nekkid Proposal



In the interim between KOTOR and KOTOR II: A slice of a rather messy life.


The start of the piece is marred by only one thing; the author expends too much energy describing the room. I would have just said that it looked like a bomb had gone off it the closet, and only the bed was missed. Does need some editing beyond that but not as much as might be anticipated.


The subject matter is not something the author is comfortable with by the disclaimer at the start, but it is an interesting look at their lives.


Friendly Competition

Dinah Lance


During the voyage to Kashyyyk, Ana (Revan) gets a chance at comparison shopping...


As one of the 67 thumbs up and 31 comments said; Boys will be boys. The scene is still in my mind as I write this, and I can only say this:


Great work!

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Thanks for the Review Mach. Anyway, I don't mean to sound rude, but I thought I PM'd you to say not to review Jedi Forces until I did the Trilogy. Now I'm no longer working on the Jedi Forces Trilogy, so if it is possible, could you remove this Review and all my ones before it. The other Fics you can review from mine are The Sith Lord and it's Sequel, An Officer's Last Stand.

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just a quick question. since im too lazy (like the others here) to check for myself, ill jst ask. did you review Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn and Galactic Conquest: Rise of the Imps? just curious, cuz of what i searched, i cant find it.

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just a quick question. since im too lazy (like the others here) to check for myself, ill jst ask. did you review Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn and Galactic Conquest: Rise of the Imps? just curious, cuz of what i searched, i cant find it.



Mace Windu review posted 20 January Have not reviewed Galactic Conquest yet.

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Coruscant Entertainment Center


The Minefield of Battle

Jedi Knight 707


Probably directly before the events of KOTOR; A pair of our favorite Jedi fight.


The piece needs re-read and rewrite. It was good but seemed to need tweaking. It didn’t flow as well as it could. I can’t explain it better than that.


I have to agree with RC1162s comment for only one reason. Swordsmen like writers, like boxers like actors, get used to doing things the same way. If you had actually fought someone, it is likely you would recognize his quirks. If the fight had lasted as long as it did here, both should have recognized the other’s style. I know a sword master at fair who read a scene like this in a book I was writing and spent hours complaining afterward for this very reason.


Knights of the Old Republic 3

Darth Raum


At the beginning of KOTOR 3, the new Dark Lord gathers forces to pursue Revan.


The work needs a serious reread because there are a number of places where the wrong word is used. as an example, it is ‘lose’ and ally, not loose him. It could flow better, and part of that is the same problem a lot of new kids have, trying to push the story rather than having it flow.


Your comment that the story began because you had played the game too much was amusing. How do you think I came up with my KOTOR novel?


All in all good work.


Broken Wounds Heal

Jedi Master 12


During the Clone Wars: Two Jedi say goodbye to a fallen comrade in their own ways.


Damn, nothing bad to say... JM12 has turned out his regular good work.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Revenge of Amidala

Empress Amidala


Amidala is resurrected by Vader and the Emperor with surprising results


The style is hurried and needs revision. Go back, reread, and ask yourself if you would pay to read this. That is what I do all the time.


I have to agree with the one comment that even if she had been resurrected, where did she suddenly become proficient enough to defeat Vader?


Legacy's Heir

Darth Solo


The son of one of Jango Fett’s clones plots to kill Boba.


The story flows pretty well, and the idea is intriguing. The byplay between the main characters is excellent, and well thought out. Unlike a lot of people who get into writing in someone else's universe, the author comes up with his own insults which most do not (A pet peeve of mine).


Jacen's Fate, Warning Spoilers for The Unseen Queen



Set directly before the Unseen Queen. Jacen Solo meets his child.


The piece is a bit hurried, and needs a reread and edit. Other than that, it is fine.





Parting Shot

Tim Radley


No specific time given. Possible after KOTOR II: Revan assigns missions as she struggles to deal with her treatment by Republic Intelligence.


The piece is dark, worrisome, and made me angry. Not at the author or the characters, but because of the treatment of the main character. We look at war in our time as something reprehensible, that is to be avoided, but sometimes necessary. The savagery of war is always something the other guys do. Here we have the Republic portrayed as bad as if not worse than the Sith.


The reason it pisses me off, is I know the ‘good guys’ are just as capable of all that barbaric treatment. This merely highlights it.


Excellent work. Keep it up.


Happy ‘R’



Set I believe in the interim between KOTOR I and II. Revan and Carth try to make up after a long confrontation.


This is Rose07’s seventh review in my column, and she has turned out yet another quality piece here. You can understand clearly exactly what caused the argument that preceded it, and where they both stand and why. Excellent work yet again.


Into Darkness



During the confrontation in the Rakatan Temple in KOTOR I: Revan takes a middle road not offered in the game.


Well written, intriguing suggestions. Worth a second glance.


The problem with a game such as KOTOR is that you are faced with what are essentially binary solutions. If you do this, you slide toward the dark side, if you do this instead, you slide toward the light. Real life is more like what Jayd portrays.


That is what bothers me. Back in the 60s, a lot of people compared the Lord of the Rings to the Second World War, which was raging when Tolkien wrote it. When asked Tolkien replied that the attitude of the ‘ends justifies the means’ would have had someone putting on the ring to defeat Sauron, then someone else would have had to kill this new terror quickly.


His last comment was the most telling. ‘To be the good guy means refusing to take that easy road‘.

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Hmmm. You said that they would have recognized each other quirks. Probably, but it is a story.


To misquote Shakespeare, a story is supposed to hold a mirror up to nature. If you had practiced together off and on for about ten years, or watched each other at practice for that time, you would know the quirks of your opponent, and would recognize them. Like writers, swordsmen tend to fall into patterns.

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Coruscant Entertainment Center


The Gremlins



During the Imperial Era: A couple of boys have some fun with Imperial ship design.


A well written little piece, and it would explain a lot about the tendency to have deep pits that seem to have no purpose. I have to agree with him about form following function, though an Ohio class submarine does have enough room for a 60 by 60 by 80 ballroom if you remove the missile deck.


But that would interfere with the golf course...


A Warrior's Exile


Darth Nox


1000 years after KOTOR: An exiled Jedi goes on a series of adventures.


DN is trying to hurry the story along, and it shows. This is usually caused by an author who has the idea, and is running with it. It is corrected by paying attention, and actually slowing down.


The combat scenes are based on RPG game play and it shows. To clean up the combat scenes requires some study, because no one would set off a plasma grenade as close as his character does. Or at least, not and expect to get away unscathed. He also blends things that don’t go together. Assuming the Droideka rolling battle droid is based on an actual lifeform makes sense, but having them running around 3,000 years earlier than the movies does not.


You will notice if you have read my stuff that I do this occasionally as well. In fact it is one of my worst habits.


With some work this can be good. Just slow down, spread the combat a little so that every action is not in the same paragraph, and you’ll do fine.





Scenes from the Mandalorian Wars.


There isn’t much to work with here, but I can tell the kid has some moves. The problem I had was two different battles, one a ground action, the other ship combat, connected only by the person with no explanation as to who what and why.


Rain asked us to come up with a better title, but without more that I have seen I would have to say ‘untitled work in progress’.



Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Rebirth Of The Empire

Cassus Fett


A century after the formation of the New Republic, a new Emperor arises.


What I want you to do kid, is close your eyes, take a deep cleansing breath, then

go back and look at what you’ve written. It needs to be smoothed out a good amount, and you have to check your grammar and usage. There are words that don’t make sense in the context you are using.


This is called rereading and rewriting. Every writer no matter how famous does it.


The problem is that the author explains too much, and retraces his steps more than occasionally. If a squadron of fighters comes around a planet and takes a position between the enemy and his escape route, it is pretty much assumed that their purpose is interdiction. There is no need to repeat it.


The ways of the force., An alternate Episode I.

Marko Ragnos


An Alternate Universe. An untrained man named Ben Kenobi goes to Tatooine and rescues Anakin Skywalker



More of a synopsis than a story,

By definition an alternate universe is just that, however there must be a specific reason for that alteration. An alternate universe where Washington was defeated at Trenton NJ or where Washington is actually the commanding officer of the Trenton garrison at the time of the battle still has the Rebels fighting the English.


The piece ignores a lot of the fundamental precepts of the genre.


First, Kenobi is not taken as a child, rather he is inducted into the order as a full grown man. Remember that the initial rejection used by Yoda for both Anakin (9) and Luke (Mid 20s) later was their age. Second, the Mandalorians, who are considered to an extinct society by the time of the Phantom Menace are the primary aggressors. This is actually the most acceptable premise the author uses.


Ar'krai, Events between TUF and TJK



Events between The Unifying Force and the Unseen Queen;



The third time Darth Solo has graced these pages. The work needs editing, but beyond that there is no real problems with it.


The basic premise, that the Bothans were not going to let go of their holy war makes perfect sense.


The problem with a series such as Star Wars when it goes into books is that there are continuity problems. I began an unauthorized encyclopedia of Star Trek and discovered there were seven different version of what Lt Uhura’s father did and three of what Kirk’s father did for example. As an even more extreme example and more readily apparent to those that enjoyed that series; the Next Generation technical manual (An approved work) states that transporters were developed in the 23rd century, but the series Enterprise set in the 22nd century has one.


There is usually no oversight .in these works, and for a purist such as myself it is sad.





Destiny (Chapter One: Escape)

Revans Pet Duck


The events on the Endar Spire in KOTOR I


This flowed well, and I wish I honestly had time to read everything RPD had written. There are changes from the original script, but none that are glaringly improper.



Carth’s Worst Fear (AKA Revan’s Suicide)

sithangel 77


The view of a suicide’s mind as Revan give in to her sadness.


I have to agree with the ones who said this is a logical progression. Over at Lucasforums where I am a critic (You think I do comments in this manner all the time? Well, since October, yes...) if you read my entire KOTOR novel, I have my Revan going through all of the angst too. She even decides on suicide. In fact the only reason she survives is Sasha, who I made a continuing character.


There is commentary about using the word slice over and over, and while it is noted, the Author’s comment that it is her own mind cutting herself again and again is perfectly acceptable to me.


Great work.


Nightmares, Dreams and Medpacs

The Luggage


Two young people share their nightmares and gain strength from the sharing.


There has not been a lot of work done so far that I have seen on what the younger members went through. Like most of you, I concentrated on the adults, but Mission and Dustil here remind us that these characters deserve the attention.



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Hello admins? Mach's got MacLeodCorp down as the author of The Gremlins instead of me both in here and on the Star Wars Knights main page. Can somebody please fix that?


done here. Not sure i can fix it on SWK.


As I said in the private, sorry. Mea Culpa

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