machievelli Posted July 13, 2013 Author Share Posted July 13, 2013 Revenge Of the Sith Amme Moto Post KOTOR enroute to Nar Shaddaa: Follow on to Attack of the Clones, Connan (Revan) reveals what happened in the future as they go in search of the Exile... The piece was better than the author wishes to believe. Having two weddings because one 4,000 later in time wouldn't be legal now was a good touch, and it's nice to see that Bastila has begun to mellow. A pity I can't read it all... I have a weakness for time travel stories, and trying to change the future from her viewpoint is always one of the hardest ones to explain, let alone do. Pick of the Week Salvatoris StatlerWaldorf One year Post TSL: The Jedi Academy is a shambles, and we find Revan gods alone knows where... The piece was a bit confusing, especially considering the intro blurb. We have yet to see the Exile or what condition she is in. But the home front is getting far out of hand... Bastila: Through my Eyes ikg218 Pre KOTOR: Bastila rereads her diary and remembers her past. It is an interesting take on the character. There are only a couple of negatives I see. First, people who write diaries have to wait until the they can write. Oh this could be a verbal one, like a recording instead, that can start as soon as the person can talk coherently, but the style suggests someone writing a narrative (Which you are) and diaries are not written that way. Second, considering the description of her early family life, you have pretty much taken someone who her later descriptions in conversation with Revan sounded like Indiana Jones, and converted him into a simple 17th century muckraker. While you may take this as harsh criticism, it is not. It's just that the term we use now only started in the early 20th century because it wasn't even a use name in English society. It was applied to people who searched along the gutters for useful items they could sell. Calling her father a hunter with that provenance, would be like calling a gambler a high roller when he bets only pennies. Delusions sweetXwhenXsilent KOTOR No planet given: Revan gets drunk, and has it out with Bastila Actually, from the professional view(I've been writing for longer than you've been alive), I see no negatives with this piece, regardless of your comments on how bad you are. The confrontation is pretty basic, and knowing both characters (As they are portrayed in the game) I am surprised it doesn't happen more often. This reminds me of the Novel Yesterday's Son in the Star Trek Universe, where Spock returns to the past of the episode All of Our Yesterdays to retrieve the son he and Zarabeth shared. The boy(actually young man), raised in that environment is nothing like a Vulcan, and Spock, instead of acting like a father, suddenly becomes the Vulcan teachers he despised as a boy. So much so that the boy in the middle of an argument orders a meal of bloody meat and begins to eat it just to drive the older man away. Bastila has always been one of the hardest characters to deal with for me playing the game. She is so judgmental and pushy that sometimes in that first game I wanted to bitch slap her. Sith of the Old Republic: Darth Revan and Malak Nixi-ixin KOTOR on the Star Forge: Malak flashes back to when he began his fall The primary problem I had was that Revan had supposedly never shown her face even to the other Jedi that went off to war. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, as they are the only group she fought alongside who were never going to judge this book by it's cover. Dialogue Crimson Riddler TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Looking for love, but the writers didn't add it until much later... The piece blindsided me. Here we have an Exile with hormones running amuck, and the only dialogue linked to romance is Kreia's commentary on why he shouldn't. None of the ladies aboard have a clue as to what he's talking about, he's losing influence and capability left and right because of his actions, and ends up threatening to slaughter off the writers in a fit of pique. And like any story where you have wishes, he gets what he wants, but again not yet... Pick of the Week Empty Crimson Riddler KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: When he reaches the final confrontation, there's nothing left. The piece deals with the aftermath of Revan having to kill Bastila rather than redeeming her. It is well done, tightly focused and gripping. Revan's actions, using the Force only long enough to get close enough to kill his enemy is perfect, and the end what you would expect. Pick of the Week Reversal Crimson Riddler KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: What to do, what to do... The piece made me chuckle when I saw it. I agree that you wimped out by just having Juhani meditating. If it had been me I would have made it a threesome. That would have fit Revan's last line... Pick of the Week It Burns Crimson Riddler TSL Inside someone's mind...: Vengeance will come I hate to admit it, CR, but after reading it, then going through the character list for TSL, I don't have a clue as to who (Beyond the thought of the Handmaiden, after all we know [or at least I think I know] who her father is). That said, the piece is a tightly focused look into a mind coming apart. Very well done. Pick of the Week Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: The End What Contented Men Desire Post KOTOR five years: Revan returns The piece had one unique twist; that Revan's final message was not 'come and find me' but rather, 'stay and fix the problems for when I return'. The fight was also unique, in that in my own Return From Exile (TSL novelization) I describe a martial arts master doing what is called 'walking the house'. For those who don't understand the term, it is used when a visiting martial artist wishes to speak with the master. If you are not a martial artist, the students will help only a little; asking someone senior to them for permission to take you further. But if you are yourself a practitioner, you must defeat those who feel they are good enough to stand in your way, working yourself through the ranks until you must confront the master himself. Unless you are a devotee of such movies, you don't see it that often. If you want to see it (Though it is done in a comedy form) Watch the confrontation in the Dojo shown in Rush Hour II. After this beginning, I really wanted to read further. Pick of the Week A Council's Apathy Bronzeraven Pre KOTOR before the Jedi entered the Mandalorian Wars: Malak waits through Revan's last confrontation with the Council The piece has only two new points, that the meeting is one of five before they depart, and that Revan and Malak had already been lovers before their departure. Finding You Lillwyn Two years post TSL: After escaping from captivity, the Exile must now arrange Revan's rescue. The only glaring problem is that I don't know if Carth's reaction is just a holdover from his old paranoia or not. Technical: Airworthy implies a standard aircraft, rather than a spacecraft. The correct term would be spaceworthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 A lightning strike appears to have fried our wi fi system at the apartments, so I walked over to the library. Will hopefully be back up by Monday afternoon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 24, 2013 Author Share Posted July 24, 2013 Alternate Chapter 21 of Reforging the Blade Lady Zenoka Alternate scene in an AU during time of ROTJ: The Dark version of Luke finds more than his sister on Tatooine... The piece is an interesting, but not surprising twist. Up until the time when Obi Wan told Luke that he had a sister in ROTJ, you had that sexual tension between them. Actually when I later saw the movie Soapdish, where an actress finally tells the father and daughter of their relationship, I was reminded of Kevin Kline's 'oh my god, we almost had a Greek tragedy!' line. What was unique was the idea that you could use sexual tension and physical force to draw someone to the Dark Side. The scene was like any forcewd sexual encounter short of rape; the woman finally giving in as the man merely pushes further. Using that as he slaughters all of the members of Jabba's entourage, making her assist toward the end was a very nice touch. Pick of the Week Use the Caffeine Emery Board KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: We're out of coffee!! Being a man who has drunk a pot of coffee a day for most of his life, I could see the problem even before anyone told Revan. I could picture the caffeine starved Jedi slaughtering the entire crew in retaliation, and the comment about Bastila being 'Jedi Most Likely to Be Killed by Some Annoyed Sod, Whom We Will Give a Medal'. Was just the trigger I needed to roar with laughter! Pick of the Week Jealousy MasterVash Post KOTOR: One character wants what he cannot have... The piece actually uses a negative emotion as a goad to realize how the character had lied to himself. The idea that he still respected, admired, and loved the individual, and his primary pain is that he did not share the same moments he now sees. Pick of the Week Forest Of Lies Lord Zeuss KOTOR on Kashyyk: When push comes to shove... There is a simple comment in studying magic that limits what you can do if you're going to do a work; if you have to rationalize your cause, don't do it. The main character has definitely gone off the track here, because he is rationalizing why he has given his instructions, and is using expediency as his reasoning. Technical note; Regardless of why the ship landed on Kashyyk, there is no logical reason as to why Czerka impounded his vessel. Let's look at it this way; Say it is the mid 17th century; The harbor master of Savannah finds out that a Spanish merchant ship has arrived, but there was no record that they would be arriving, so he immediately impounds the vessel. It becomes even more confusing when you think that the Ebon Hawk is a light freighter, the equivalent of a privately owned ship, and 'tramps' as they are called have destinations determined not by schedule, but by cargo. You happen to pick up say copra from New Guinea, and you go not to the nearest port, but to the one where you can sell it for the best price. That could be anywhere within a thousand kilometers of where you picked it up. So impounding the ship when it reached Darwin, Australia would only make sense if the ship itself has a record of smuggling, and even then, it would be more that the port authorities would search her for contraband rather than impounding her. The reason I used this example is simple; back then, there was no listing of ships that would arrive and when, because the fastest means of sending that information was usually the ship itself. So an unannounced arrival would merely mean that no one on the other end thought it was important enough to report, or perhaps is sending that information with the ship itself. The only time it would be alarming is if the ship is a foreign warship. As much as the movies and games give you the idea of a massive tightly knit transportation system, on a galactic scale, it would probably never exist merely because of the distances involved. Even now, if a ship leaves say Yokohama harbor carrying cars from there to San Francisco, there is only an estimate of when that ship is to arrive, not a firm arrival time. Also, impounding a vessel is a legal act. Under International law, a government can do a customs search of any vessel that arrives, but the officials cannot impound her unless she has violated the law. There is a lot of screaming in Panama right now because a North Korean ship was carrying illicit cargo, and was seized. As much as the NKs are whining that nothing was done illegally, I wonder how cargo containers filled with military supplies placed under a cargo of bagged sugar is not an attempt to conceal that it was aboard. The Last Night DarthShak Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A bittersweet parting The idea that Kavar and the woman that would become the Exile had a personal relationship is not new, whether you have her be his Padawan or lovers is incidental. The parting is poignant and they spend it as you would expect them to. It does explain why Kavar, of all of the Council members, seemed to regret their later actions the most. An Ending and a Beginning Charis77 TSL on Malachor: The other members of the crew rush to save their leader. But end up prisoners Having never seen most of the cut scenes, it surprised me that there was a way for Atton to win his duel with Sion. In my own work, everyone left together and were peeled away like an onion until only the Exile remained. The battle was a bit confused, having you say that Mical had died, yet was still screaming later. It is Written in The Stars OrchidLurver Post KOTOR: Once the threat had been dealt with, Revan now gives her last orders to her companions. I believe the author is French Canadian because of some of the wording and misspellings. Technical note; The Republic is a governmental body, so no one orders them; they would give the orders. Technical note, Military; There is no logical reason for all of the fleet to head for Telos, unless it is merely as a port between where they are at present, and where they were assigned. As an example, when WWII ended, some ships were assigned to ports in now occupied Europe, others to occupied ports in most of Oceania, the rest sent to ports between the war zone and home ports. So every ship in say the Pacific did not end up in a Japanese Port or Pearl Harbor, they went to where they were needed. The biggest problem I had with the work was that while she had brought them all together, she had left out the one person most likely to complain about that; Carth. I know she would expect him to complain about being left behind, but to not even have her give him the courtesy she is showing everyone else? The Rise of Syn Anderson Arrianos Unspecified time Post TSL: The end of a master, but it is only the beginning... I was reminded of some books I had read and movies I have seen where you see the ending at the start, then jump back to witness what happened before. I don't have time to read everything to date of this work, so what I am saying now only refers to that first chapter. The scene is a bit confusing; why is the 'great leader' (As he seems to think he is considering the monument he built to himself in his palace) slaughtering his own council? How did the Jedi that confronted him get to the chamber, since if the Sith are in control of the system, they would be watching for infiltrators? The young Jedi's reaction on finding that the apprentice had killed his master made sense, but the retreat and his 'oh, it's all over so we can start anew' reaction made no sense. I would suggest watching the Movie Valkyrie, where Von Stauffenberg immediately jumps into the purge of the Nazi high command. If anyone were left in the high command that could have taken over (Goering comes to mind) you wouldn't have left him uncaptured. The only mistake he and his fellow conspirators made then was not making sure Hitler was dead. The Chosen Fool SeaBreeze TSL on an unnamed planet: Kreia examines the Exile's relationship with Atton This is a unique piece in that we're seeing Kreia's dispassionate view of her student. She sees Atton as the part of a diamond that has to be cut away to make what the jeweler wants, rather than as a separate person. Her decision, allowing him to continue his attempts rather than hinder them, at the moment, as the best choice. A Mandalorian Holiday Atoz TSL on Dxun: It's a Mandalorian Holiday? This is one work I wish I had a chance to read all the way through. I tend to be negative about Earth holidays translated into SW ones; if you aren't sure as to why, read Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center> Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 where I go through some of the more popular ones in the Western World. This one however has a few flaws; Technical note, No women?: In the Canon books since Attack of the Clones we see the Mandalorians still exist, but during that conflict, they had become almost a caricature of modern Japan. Thanks to the US, we rammed the Constitution they have now down their throats, and Article 9 of that document denies them a military. That is why in the mid-50, when they did create one, they had to call it a Self Defense Force to even get funding. Afterward, the Mandalorians seem to have gone back to what they once were, mercenaries and some of the best combat troops in the Galaxy. But Karen Traviss, the one who wrote most of them has women fighting alongside their men, and sees no difference between them as to who fights and commands. My interest in the holiday here was sparked by the name, because that itself is from Earth. But do any of you know where that name came from? BlueGray and Silver Callalili TSL on Onderon: All she needed was to replace what was lost The piece focuses on just one thing, what kind of same did she once have? When she creates a new one, it isn't right, but when she has a new pair, it is perfect. The author does the one thing that most others ignore. What does it feel like to touch the force? Here with two sabers, it is likened to dancing to music. HK47 in Love Kusco KOTOR On Korriban: Looking for love in all the wrong places... The piece snuck up on me, because I didn't anticipate the end. Picture any love story that ends badly because of indiscretion on one of their parts, then translate it into mechanical terms (And no, not that, or at least not specifically) and you get this story. A lot of fun! Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 27, 2013 Author Share Posted July 27, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Fanfiction.net Squadron Legacy: Chapter 10 Sithspector During the Mandalorian Wars: While still evading capture, our hero has renewed hope The piece is flow well, SS. The situation is grim, and a lot of pilots since Vietnam have been in the same situation; knowing they can be rescued even as they watch the enemy at very close range. The primary problem those men had was that unlike those before that war, technology was a lot more primitive, so they would never know until the boat arrived or they actually saw the plane they would be rescued by. When He Remembered Kusco One Year Post KOTOR: With Carth about to be married, one guest is not there The primary problem I had with the piece was it was like coming into the middle of a movie. I did not know who the bride or her father were. Then there was the mention of Jaq Rand. Technical Note: Remembering one man out of the millions that served during the wars that had passed would be hard without an almost photographic memory. I doubt Robert E Lee at Gettysburg knew more than perhaps 4,000 of his own troops there by name, and that means only one in fifteen. Back then, he would have remembered them for three reasons; they were officers, they had been mentioned in dispatches (Which up until WWI had been a separate medal) or had done something he could see, or if they were from his own state of Virginia. It was cute having Mission be the pilot of the ship, and having he land it like Atton tended to land was fun. In my own Return From Exile, he almost always crashed the ship. Dralshy'a Shadow Rise KOTOR Two Days after Leviathan: Only one person aboard can get her back on her feet I have always loved a good Mandalorian Story, and this qualifies on all counts. I have always hated war movies where the enemy are always just this side of being SS wannabees, because to quote Shakespeare in Henry V's reply to Williams' condemnation, 'there is no king, be his cause never so spotless, if it come to the arbitrement of swords, can try it out with all unspotted soldiers'. Very, very good. Pick of the Week Opening Doors Dorvalla No specific era mentioned, though the game is Sabacc rather than Pazaak: Just another day at the office for a bounty hunter The only thing I was curious about was how much the hunter was making here. He had to make three kills along with his target because of the instructions. It's sort of like the Artichoke joke, where the hit man Artie, who is known for choking his victims, kills the target, then during his exit has to choke two more, which gives you the punch line and headline; Artichokes, three for a dollar... The Magnificent Mr. Rakata! Elwin Ransom KOTOR on Korriban: They said not to open the box, dummy! The piece was amusing. It is a blend of the gameplay and the events in it, so that in the middle of a climatic struggle, rescue comes by loading the last save. Having Bastila floating around the ship in imitation of G0T0 was funny, and having her in love with the monumental Dork was amusing, as was her calling him Revan before he had this revealed later, and using the 'oh look' strategy just high pointed his ignorance. But considering how brain dead the character is, I can see him calling Bastila and having him repeat the same mistake This is one of the rare stories that plays for the humor in it. The scene used was actually one I liked the least, because unless you touch the box, it's just a cargo you take to Anchorhead. When I reached this point in my own KOTOR novel Genesis of a Jedi, I had found a use for it. What, you may ask? Read my own work... Pick of the Week Honor in War Sinestro Post TSL on Citadel Station: The Dark Exile begins to plot his proposed conquest of the Republic The most interesting part to me was the difference in the predictions made by Kreia about the Mandalorians. Could anyone verify that? Technical, Game Mechanics: Unlike KOTOR, the mechanics of the game has the party advancing down the same path as the leader. I.E., if your Exile is light side, all of the characters also gain light side points, and the same I assume applies if you go Dark Side. Having never played as a Dark Side player, I was confused. That should mean that the two party members murdered at the end of the first chapter should have still been playing follow the leader. An intriguing chapter to a five chapter work. I wish I could read on. Safe Journey, Friend Tw1st TSL on Citadel Station: Canderous checks just to see if Carth still cares... The piece was hastily written, and it shows. There are a lot of sentences that make little or no sense due to word usage. Having lights 'elope' for example. Then when Carth is throwing pocket change, you didn't mention denominations. Was he throwing the equivalent of quarters, then scaling up to old fashioned dollar coins? Old ten and twenty dollar gold pieces? The scene is a bit like any person left ashore when their partner sails away. The interesting point is primarily that Canderous is just making sure Carth still misses her. Star Wars: Determination Toranih 3000 years ABY: A smuggler is pursued by a young girl demanding answers The intro is too short to get a real feel for the story, but it intrigued me. The piece suggests that a lot of the ills the New Republic faced; slavery and spice trading are no more, but along with that no Jedi to track them down. Since trade in illegal products is endemic in human society, and has been since the first organized societies over about a thousand, I am wondering what has changed human nature. As for slavery, even in our enlightened times, there are an estimated 25 million slaves around the world. Why are ideas now the illegal stock in trade? Things Unsaid, Empty Beds, and Bad Behavior Darth Avery TSL on Dantooine: The Exile takes the burden of all that has happened as her own fault The piece needed some polishing, but it is a well done piece, if a bit generic. The situation is grim, and I am reminded of an episode from the first season of the Anime the Slayers. The main character says, basically, 'if you go into a battle knowing you're going to lose, you will'. Catch Me When I Fall Jowx97 Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Two young people see their future. Only it isn't what will really happen The piece is a nice bit of fluff, and the two young people, as youngsters will, believe they have the world by the tail It sort of reminds me of the two versions of a Christmas Carol, the 1951 Scrooge, and the musical of the same name. In both instances, the main character believes love will conquer all, then loses that love by turning away from it. In Five Hundred Words or Less Adylinj Pre Mandalorian Wars: How hard is it to explain? The problem with an essay question is you don't have a lot of words to use, usually. As you see here, the Exile uses very few; try four. The explanations as to his reasoning makes sense, and like any essay, there is a lot to say that was not used. His arguments as to his reasoning is clear and intelligent. But I would have given him a C minus instead... I am nothing Bardock92 KOTOR aboard Star Forge: As he sinks into death, Malak examines his action The piece is a basic generic ending to the scene, just mental instead of verbal. Why Revan REALLY Decided to Conquer the Republic Random Cheese KOTOR on Dxun: Only if the observer wrote his memoirs... The piece was kinda cute. The 'oh so great Jedi leader and General' getting trapped in a dung pit, the 'Mandalorian' they beat up on actually being a Republic agent on patrol, and her (Revan) deciding to go to the Sith mainly because she wants to get rid of everyone making fun of her. Now all you need to do is teach the Malraas to talk so it could dictate the event, and it would be perfect. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 3, 2013 Author Share Posted August 3, 2013 SQA KOTOR Edition: Bastila Kawe n' Wessie KOTOR on Star Forge: Revan channels Santana The piece was getting weird at the start with the Force Hair Gel. Having Evil Ways programmed into the Star Forge made me wonder; exactly how many women did he think he'd have to fight here? Form-VIII Daicecreaman No Era Given: A Jedi Master falls to the Dark Side The piece is short and really too confusing to get a good feel to. One problem I saw was you're making the Jedi in question too powerful. I can see damaging the escaping ship, but stopping the blast of a thermal detonator? That doesn't scan. Oi! Offworlder! White Wolf Zita KOTOR on Manaan: A mercenary finds something to interest her. Unfortunately, it's our heroes. The first chapter had me wondering what was happening. Having written drunken or slow characters before, I could follow her mental processes; and how someone in that condition can fixate on things. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to read the second chapter. One Last Time Bronzeraven Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan tries one last time to convince the council The piece had a foregone conclusion feel to it. Revan is sure they will deny the request, and has stopped listening even before the interview had begun. On the other hand the Masters are unwilling to give further information. The whole problem with the situation as I have said in my own stories, is that the other threat is too vague, and just saying it exists, is like saying 'because' to a child. No answer at all. Sequence of Events Shin Yuy During aftermath of the Yuuzhan Vong War: A young potential Jedi finally reaches the Maw The primary problems I had was the time line, the entire 'undercover existence', and the one battle scene shown. As for the time line, why did it take three years to get to where she was going? If this were a Star Wars movie, it would take almost no time to get from Tatooine, where she began (Inference from dialogue) to Kessel. Who is she hiding from? If she's bound for the Jedi Sanctuary started during the Yuuzhan Vong War by Lando Calrissian, who would be trying to stop her? Why does she need a cover so convoluted? Last, the attempted hijacking didn't flow well; the 'pirates' were too confused in their actions. For example, let's picture a drug deal between two rival gangs where a third party is interfering. You don't send your entire crew to the meet since you may have to escape. So the crew should be divided. This means of the six you mention, there should be one or two out of position and having to run toward safety. The rest of the crew should already be ready to protect the ship, and lay down covering fire. On the opposite side, you would have some of the thirteen pirates at the same meet, the others should have already been in position to either take down the ship, or at least disable it. Yet they were so incompetent that the ones who went to the meet were able to escape them, and only now thought of their prey escaping. SQA KOTOR Edition: Revan Kawe n' Wessie KOTOR After the Leviathan Revelation: Revan tries to find a way to heal the rift with Carth Oddly enough the authors picked one song of the band Evanescence I have not heard. But the poignant thought comes through. Romance and Exile? Which is worse? DaringFlame Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl begins her training as a Jedi The piece is far too short to give us more than a taste of the author's skills. Only a bit over 600 words, about two and a half pages. Yet there is skill there. Care to show us a bit more? SQA KOTOR Edition: Atton Rand Kawe n' Wessie TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: So she got a bit distracted... The piece snuck up on me. The third of the reviews of this author team, and while the first had me confused, the second sad, but this one cracked me up. I knew what was going to happen before it did, though the first, the recording, was so obvious it hurt. As for the life support system going down because she stopped in the middle, again, you kinda expected it. The moral of the story, don't give Atton a song cue and Speedo, and never assign someone who doesn't know how, to fix the ship. Pick of the Week How Far flooj9235 Pre KOTOR facing Revan: Bastila is finally willing to admit her feelings. Now she has to get him off the ship alive The piece jumped from present to past so often I almost got whiplash, but it worked, and worked well. The brief looks at what was happening before her interspersed with her memories of the man she knew then wove a tight little work. The only problem I had was simple. We know that Malak fell and fell hard to the Dark Side, but the author suggests by inference, that Revan might not have even left to fight without his presence. Pick of the Week When He Lost flooj9235 Alternate Ending: When Revan dies facing Malak, Bastila grieves The piece is something we don't see every day here; where as Ard in Heavy Metal proclaims 'she dies, you die, everyone dies'. The ending is what you would anticipate, since Malak hadn't yet realized that Bastila had betrayed him. And the ending was poignant. One problem; it should be the Republic Navy, not the army... Pick of the Week Wounds Moonmythology Pre Mandalorian Wars: She didn't expect her trial to be against Revan The piece was up to the high standards I expect of the author, the only complaint I had was that it was too short. Pick of the Week KOTOR: Memories Daven Thrar AU KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The hero has odd dreams, and odd powers... The piece flowed well, but I really couldn't feel anything for the main character. He was too abrasive to everyone around him. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, I had my own character treat Trask in just as abrupt a manner, but didn't sink to physical violence with him, though having him punch the guy for doing something stupid did come to mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 10, 2013 Author Share Posted August 10, 2013 KOTOR I: A Scoundrel's Tale Tw1st KOTOR on Taris: Finally they are working together One minor problem; using the wrong words sometimes (Patient instead of patience, that kind of thing) but nothing that sight editing wouldn't cure. When I am going well, I have the same problem. Compared to most first sections of KOTOR, this is good because Carth and True (Revan) have been at it for a week, and it's the first time they have actually communicated. The are as abrasive as sandpaper together, right down to both being mistrustful. There are lines worth remembering, Mission being wetter than a bantha in a washing machine, or my favorite about common sense; 'These rules, however, were presently locked away in both True and Carth's minds. Locked away, it might be added, in a room, in a cellar, in an unused lavatory, with a sign on the door that reads "Beware of man-eating Gizka". So, in other words, these common sense rules were not anywhere close to being recovered'. Only read the first chapter. Wish I could have read the others. Final Memory Flooj9235 Post KOTOR in the Unknown: As she lays dying, Revan remembers that last perfect moment The title says it all, except for this: Excellent! Pick of the Week Departure Flooj9235 Post KOTOR:A bitter parting The piece like the one above, is a poignant slice of life. The parting is bitter because Bastila knows she will never see him again. Pick of the Week Everything is Perfect Flooj9235 KOTOR on Dantooine: With Dane (Revan) injured, Bastila has time to admit what she is feeling The piece like the two above was a nice neat slice of emotional life. Letting Go Lilliwyn Post KOTOR: A tearful parting The piece is an interesting twist in that there is a conversation with Carth about her leaving before it happens. However the scene felt flat to me because I can't see either one having this much self control under these conditions. In my own Return from Exile, my version of Revan left a message to her love begging them not to follow. The Fate of the Wandering Twinklet26 Post KOTOR: Revan says a mental goodbye to her friends The piece is interesting, having her leave from Deralia is an interesting, but incidental touch. Having her remember Malachor V as a starting point is also a nice touch. But it doesn't explain how the Ebon Hawk (Which was left)was found later with the Exile and Kreia aboard, along with the droids she left behind. 32 chapter long... and no time to read it all! Damn! Pick of the Week Telos Afire Layana Danare Pre KOTOR: The assault on Telos seen through Dustil's eyes The piece, like any disaster movie, starts with the calm before all hell breaks loose. There are technical flaws, but I will address them below. Technical, Bombardment: The primary point were it went wrong for me was having the Sith drop low enough that their design could be readily identifiable from someone on the ground. To use a modern example, with the advent of the more modern anti-radiation missiles (Used to kill radars that can direct missiles) the high level bombing tactic used during WWII and Korea is again feasible. But when a B52 or B1 comes over at 70,000 feet (23,000 meters) all you see from the ground is the contrail from their engines. A spacecraft would not have to come that close, and while an 'Axehead' frigate is large, and the Interdictor cruiser even larger, at that distance (they are larger than a Nimitz class Carrier) while visible to the naked eye, they are just a black blot on the horizon. Having seen them from the lookout post when I was in the Coast Guard, they are visible, but is recognizable only with binoculars. Besides, they do not need to get that up close and personal with the target, if you use just KEW (Kinetic Energy Weapons; flying crowbars) you would drop from LEO (Low Earth Orbit), over 100 miles (About 150 KM). At that range, even a ship that size is a pinprick in a night sky. Technical, Your own fleet status: Even in the direst of emergencies, every ship would probably not have left their base. During the attack on Pearl Harbor and the aftermath, about a dozen of the ships present did head out and attempt to close with the enemy fleet. But about half that number did stay close enough to try to protect the islands. It would also not be common knowledge on the ground, even among family members. That being said, the piece was tightly written and believable. The one quibble I had was immediately solved when Dustil did get his mother away from the house, but not that far. Pick of the Week Vrook's Assignment KnightoftheWord Pre Mandalorian War: A very young Vrook faces a severe culture shock This is a unique perspective for the old curmudgeon. To hear him comment about 'his' master's denigration of music reminds me of every claim the fundamentalists of our day make about the music of our own age, right back to the comment from the Movie Oscar (Set in the mid 20s) where the main Character uses the song 'Minnie the Moocher' as an example. Having dealt with one of this race before (Remember Luxa from TSL?) I played with it as well when she meets the Exile. Seeing the staid boring Vrook dumped into an orgy was just so choice. Pick of the Week A Journey to Find Her Layana Danare Two years Post TSL: The crews of the Ebon Hawk gets together again to find their lost Jedi The piece is a relatively normal intro to yet another adventure. Atton reacts to one comment, that he and Manda'lor were not to follow, yet it was odd that he didn't react to the second, that she left behind those they cared about. Only one thing stopped it from joining the other picks of the week. If someone is bribing someone, they wouldn't pay two levels of flappers to get to that person, or at least would not toss money around like Atton does here. As an example; a private eye needs to talk to a dancer at a local club. The bartender suggests one dancer, but expects the PI to hand him a hundred dollars. He then directs him not to the dancer herself, but to the stage manager of the revue. That man however wants 50 dollars before he will let her talk to him. See what I mean? Technical note, Currency: While we consider gold and silver valuable today, in a society with asteroid mining (There's more platinum silver and gold in the asteroid belt then there is on the planet we live on; one asteroid named DA1987 has over a trillion dollars worth of platinum on it alone!) such would probably not be the case in the Star Wars universe. The primary uses of silver gold and platinum once asteroid mining starts will be circuitry for the baser metals, and high heat dissipation for platinum. For example, in one of the Star Trek novels, the hull of the Enterprise is composed of alloys of the platinum group (Iridium, platinum, and rhodium, all very valuable and used primarily for jewelry these days). Back when we did have gold and silver coins(Before 1932 for gold, and before 1965 for silver), they didn't call them by the metal names; they merely called them dollars. Twenty dollars was one ounce of gold or twenty one ounce silver dollars. Some good work so far, but I only had time to read the first of 15 chapters, and still don't know who Taliana is. Heartache Flooj9235 Post TSL: Carth receives a last gift from his love The timeline is too short as the author admits. My problem is the story left me kinda flat. Half Truths AmakuraMayu KOTOR Aboard Leviathan: The truth comes out The intro was excellent, and Bastila feeling like a student teacher in charge of a sugar filled class of seven year olds was choice. The only negative I see was your version of Revan gave in too quickly in the interrogation. Sentinel Aenzo Post KOTOR: Bastila's reunion with her mother does not go well The primary problem I had here was that the meeting in the hospital is just too brief and transitory. You remember the scenes from the game where Bastila wants to reconnect with her mother on a personal level, and now it is merely a visit where you come in, say 'hi and bye' and that is it. There was more emotion when Bastila was still berating the woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 17, 2013 Author Share Posted August 17, 2013 Terrible Swift Sword Kendoka Girl Mandalorian War overview ending after Malachor V: Revan embraces her dark destiny The piece is one of the best about this specific period I have seen to date. As Revan slides further to the dark, you can see her rationalizing why she must do what she does. You also get a glimpse of the political BS she is dealing with as she does. There is only two flaws, and one of them is technical. The Mandalorian home world and system, like the leader of their society, is called Manda'lor, though Mandalore is considered acceptable. If you consider their society like the Japanese of World War II, Malachor V was more comparable to the Battle of Okinawa, the first island of what the Japanese had long considered their home territory; it had been occupied as a prefecture in 1609. A necessary battle to prove that long held territories could be taken away from them. A comparable situation to what you describe (If it had been their home system) would have been choosing Kyoto Japan for the first nuke, since the primary residence of the Emperor is there. Yet in a little known or remarked upon bit of history, the government derived their power from the consent of the Emperor, even if he had no real authority to tell them what to do. Upon hearing of the destruction of Hiroshima, Emperor Hirohito ordered his ministers into his presence, and ordered them to sue for peace and accept whatever terms the Allies would give them. When they tried to come up with reasons why he did not have such authority, his answer was, 'there will be no further discussion'. The combination of foot dragging by those ministers, and the fact that the Russians (Who had been accepting their peace proposals for the last six months, but never passing them on to the Allies) caused the destruction of Nagasaki three days later. In fact, the 'reply' from the Russians was to invade Manchuria. But without the Emperor to order them to stop, the war would have been more like our worst case; that the Allies would have suffered an estimated 5 million additional casualties per home island, and as Halsey had said, Japanese would only have been spoken in hell Technical, MSG deployment: The Mass Shadow Generator was there we know. However deploying it (Using rather than delivering it for use) would have been a strategic decision, not a tactical one. Consider the delivery of the two atomic bombs during that war. Even with Little Boy sitting on his air base, Colonel Paul W. Tibbets, Jr., commander of the 509th Composite Group did not have the authority to load it on a bomber and drop it until he received orders from what is now called NCA, National Command Authority. Yet this is exactly what you have had Malak do; I have the weapon, use it. The controls in place to avoid accidental deployment of a nuclear weapon have been used by every nation that has ever fielded them. The man with his finger on the button does not have the authority to press that button until told to do so. In my own Return From Exile which will be posted in a few months, I have a similar situation, but with two major differences; first, thanks to the possibility of a communication failure (And primarily due to that same incompetent Republic NCA), the commander of the ship carrying it did have such authority, those his orders (From his direct superior, Revan) were to deploy it only if the battle was being lost. So while the cutscenes in the game say that the Exile gave the order, and Bao Dur carried it out, I did not use that. What happened (In my version) was the idiot in command saw the battle being won, knew that except for a footnote, he would not even be mentioned, so he reset the operational parameters, then on his own authority, deployed it causing most of the deaths in the battle. Those flaw aside, it is an excellent work. Pick of the Week Already I see your hands coated with blood HK-Revan Post KOTOR to the middle of TPM: Revan leaps 4000 years into the future The piece was a bit confusing, one reason being that it would be a Nabooan ship. Nubian is an Earth society and race. This was probably caused your spellchecker. If you have not reset it to not suggest words in the English language, that can happen. We see Revan literally coming apart at the seams after the Star Forge here. After the End Callalili KOTOR aboard Star Forge: An idyllic end... with a twist. The piece snuck up and sandbagged me. I did not expect the end we had. Just a quiet pair of lovers... sitting on ground zero. The only negative I have to state (And I hate to do it, really) is that constellations are region specific. If you head as little as 44 light years from Earth, every constellation has changed enough that you wouldn't recognize them. If the author had watched the movie version of Lost in space, you have a scene where Judy and Major Don West are creating new constellations as a game. That I think would have made this perfect. Pick of the Week Is It Me, or Me? Onyx Panthera KOTOR after Leviathan Revelation: Doe he want the old Revan? Or her? It's an interesting way to get the idea across when Revan admits that she loves Canderous. Does he love the idea of the powerful Jedi? Or the woman who loves him standing right there? KOTOR The Darkest Weapon HazardLife Post TSL: Desperate to Find Revan, the Exile chooses to use a living weapon The piece left me cold, as in not at all interested. The 'weapon' comes across as nothing more than a rather vicious child with just as much morality as long as he is entertained. The provenance of his creation makes less sense, since if the Sith had the capability of blending powers together like this, they would have conquered the galaxy millennia ago. Dreams Auralee KOTOR on Tatooine: Dreams can come true if each person accepts it as possible It is a first work, and as such needed polishing and sight editing. That said, it was a fun read. The idea that she dreams of him, he hears her talking about him, and once he finally makes the connection, he decides to follow through. I recently spoke with another author about Carth. She said he is whiny (And he is) but I never thought he was also clueless. Falling Away Layana Danare Post KOTOR: The hardest part is saying goodbye. So don't say it The piece was based on a song I enjoyed, and never knew either the name of the song or singer. As the song says, no need to say goodbye. Pick of the Week Star Wars KOTOR III: The True Sith Falcon 360 Post TSL: Having returned from the Unknown Region, the two Jedi heroes now explain what the Republic faces The primary problem I had with the work is the timing and tactics of the True Sith. If they were close enough to be a major threat, they should have struck when Kreia died; both the Republic and the Sith are at their weakest point, neither would be able to resist for long. Waiting the years they have since first Revan, then the Exile scouted them just made the fight more even. The Dark Night of the Soul Kendoka Girl Pre KOTOR: Revan begins her attack, and Malak sees his chance The piece seesawed between very good and unsatisfying. The section among the Republic fleet is actually worse then I had imagined, with Admirals more worried about properly timed (And punctuated) reports than battle readiness, and refusing to accept that if a master Strategist leaves you an opening, you're stupid to take it. If you're in training, whether hand to hand, or with a blade, a teacher leaves you an opening just to teach you not to accept it at face value. When it shifted instead to the Sith, the fallen Jedi are stereotypical rampaging monsters out of every bad propaganda movie. Having Malak choose this point to attempt his coup was to my mind ill timed. One thing that appeared incredibly stupid considering the timing, requiring them to file a form in the middle of a battle, actually happened. During a battle in North Africa in the late 19th century between the Somalis and the British, an artilleryman went back to the caissons that held the reserve ammunition because they were hard pressed, and had run out. He returned with the ammo, and the battle was won. Afterward, he was charged with striking a superior officer, and his reply was not an apology for the attack, but for breaking the rammer over the man's head. The junior officer had refused to pass out ammunition, in the middle of a desperate battle, without a signed order from the man's officer, even knowing the officer had been killed. The EMJ Flooj9235 Mandalorian Wars Era: Bastila sees Revan for the first time in a long while, but she isn't even paying attention The piece was hastily written and unfortunately it shows. There is no rhyme nor reason to it. The idea that the Jedi would set up the equivalent of medical teams didn't make a whole lot of sense. Considering what they must learn and later do, it's like the old view of the world of the Soviets taking a college student out of class in midterm to help harvest the local crops. Faith That Blinds Us Lord Zeuss During Jedi Civil war: A Jedi forces a Sith to choose a Jedi option The piece has a unique twist; a Jedi threatening a child's life; either killing her or forcing her to join the Jedi to convince a Sith to surrender. The feeling the Sith is having are closer to the Jedi ideal than her own sworn leanings, regardless of the rationalizing how 'evil' the Jedi are. The piece ends with neither willing to return to their old orders or change sides. The Jedi still thirsts for revenge, but refuses to accept the Sith Mentality. The Sith worried that her leaders will finish the job begun by the Jedi by killing her sister, but knowing the Jedi would never accept her return. The primary argument I have with the piece is a personal one. I have never accepted the Jesuit argument that the ends justify the means, and as much as apologists blame the one threatened, if you put a gun to someone's head to make demands, it is not the fault of that person if you kill them. Leaves in the Wind Volt Two Weeks post Kashyyyk: The crew needs something to cheer them up, and this might do it The piece was a bit of fun. My own Revan (In Genesis of a Jedi) is someone you would want to keep out of the kitchen (Technical note, on a ship it is the galley) and reading about the carnage she created making a simple cake reminded me of my own. Canderous fell out a character there briefly at the end. Members of Warrior societies are not known for worrying about whether they will survive or not. But it was a small slip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Wedding of the Jedi Chevron7 Locke Set in the Sith Resurrection RP universe: Wedding day problems are bad enough without this happening Haven't read C7L in a long time, but this is as good as it gets. Considering the situation, including the explosives laden trooper, I was suddenly of the first chase scene in Serenity where Jayne shouts, 'you know, right now we really could use some GRENADES!'. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Bedmates MissxCellophane TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: There is a solution to not having enough beds... The piece did cover one thing that bothered me in both games, and that is the fact that there aren't enough bunks for the entire crew when they are gathered; eight with only seven bunks counting the medical bay. The compartment used by Juhani in the first game, and by HK in the second, is just an open space without a bed. Of course in the game this isn't a problem; no one sleeps anyway. But in real life (Or a story) you can see people fighting over somewhere to sleep, or in my mind, hot bunking As I mentioned in my own Genesis of a Jedi, Trask sleeping in the bed for one shift while my Revan, (Danika) sleeping during another. The solution suggested is from the salacious point of view, and while it is accepted, it isn't what Atton had planned. Pocket of Memories Unlock.Your.Heart KOTOR enroute to Manaan: What would she say? The one constant whichever side you might be on in a war, is the photo of those you left behind. We carried them to remember why we were going off, and to keep the faces alive in our minds. I've known a few who kept them after that other person was gone as well, wishing for the past. His having 'Ana' tell him what to do fits right in there. The Fires of Hate Darth Gorgutz KOTOR/NJO crossover: Revan has to leap into the future to survive The primary problems (Beyond needing to be polished) are technical, and addressed below. Technical note, ancient languages: The problem with using ancient technology as described, is simple. First, languages evolve and change. People can read ancient Egyptian now only because of the finding of the Rosetta Stone, where a decree was carved in three languages, ancient Greek, Demotic, which was the language of Egypt in 196BC, and hieroglyphs. So what you have is some scholar back then showing off by inscribing the stone with a language dead for several thousand years. Now hold that thought. In the Story Omnilingual by H. Beam Piper, he has archeologists on Mars and among them a woman that is collecting the scraps of what they had used for paper, and piecing them together. Most think her crazy, because as the author points out in the work, the only reason we can read all of those ancient languages is because of referents within other languages we did have translations of, as with the Stone. Piper finally has them use science, especially chemistry, physics and mathematics because they all deal with constants that everyone knows are true, an atom of an element weighs this much, Pi is this amount and no more, that kind of thing. I know we can just say 'the Force directed them' but going from an ancient species that is believed extinct to a modern one is a bit of a stretch. About twenty years ago, the Milk Board decided to use the same slogan (Got Milk) in Mexico. After all we've dealt with each other language wise since the middle ages, right? However, those who saw it in a test audience laughed. Because a literal translation of the phrase comes out as 'are you lactating'. Technical note, ancient technology: Again you have her trusting a power system built over 2,000 years before she arrived, powering an extremely complex device almost 30,000 years old. How can anyone be sure the older device would even still work? And considering the size of what you have described, why would Nihilus have left it there? While he assumes he will live forever by draining everyone around him, it would still be something of great value to a subordinate who could have hidden it aboard ship to drop off somewhere else, as happened with HK apparently. Sort of like locking your disobedient three year old inside your Bugatti Veyron (The most expensive car in the world, try 2.3 million). KOTOR: A matter of Looks Sabby87 Post KOTOR: They may never share a dance, but he does have one look only for him The author mentions that it's a first fan fic and is ESL as well, so I went in with a bit of trepidation. But the piece surprised me with how well it had been done (Or maybe reedited later) and the content was a lot of fun. Different people use different ways to describe not being able to dance. In the Legacy of Heorot, the authors had one character claim a horrible injury in combat, both feet blown off at the ankles, and the surgeon accidentally replaced them with two left feet. But there's a guy out there with two right feet that is wowing them even now... In most cases, you have the characters try, and the one who cannot dance finds it's a matter of the right partner. Our author instead makes Carth such a klutz that he smacks her head on a table instead. A very nice touch in my mind, because her look (As Gallagher once said on stage when he'd accidentally hit his daughter's head on the edge of a van door) of 'are you really that effing stupid?' is one only he gets. Pick of the Week KOTOR: Two is a Family Sabby87 Four plus years Post KOTOR: A beautiful night, with a twist. Sabby (Who is Italian) blindsided me with this piece. A man in love carrying his sweetheart to bed, you would think. But he carries something more precious. Pick of the week. Unfaithful Misery Hannawald5 Based on the premise of the Force Unleashed: Usually I only read the first chapter, but I have never played FU, primarily because A:, I couldn't afford it when it came out in PC, and B: because the premise bothered me. I can see why others might have thought you were merely novelizing the game, since you have the main character going through the exact same steps, situation, era and master. They look at it as I do at some of the work on the site; the hero waking up, Trask Ulgo giving the intro, but then they say, 'oh, but it isn't KOTOR, it's my own story going somewhere else entirely'. After finishing the prologue I read on because it was like looking at a meal in a menu picture. Oh it looks good, and even smells kinda good. But what about the taste? If you think that is an odd analogy, it isn't mine; WEB Griffin commented in one of his books about a character going to a restaurant in Japan in the late 40s, and ordering an American style breakfast. It was delivered cold, because they had prepared it to exactly match the menu picture in the kitchen the night before, and put it in the fridge. I read the second, and while interesting, it was lacking. To continue the analogy above, like a child being taught to cook preparing their first dish solo. The proportions aren't quite right. Before you get upset and think I am flaming you, this is some good work that needs tweaking and polishing, not trash. You are not Akane from the Ranma Series making cookies with jalapenos, you just needed to sight edit to correct the few problems there were. For example you make redundant statement a number of times, and use the wrong terminology. With terminology you do not update machinery for example, you upgrade it. Most of the time, when a mechanic is working on something like a car or aircraft, he is merely checking the workings as they sit, and tweaking it for better performance. With a high performance car or a military aircraft, this is done every time it returns to the hanger or garage, and every time it is because mere use can put too much wear on parts. Something as simple as moving it in time away from the basic FU time line would help a lot. As much as it was a unique idea when the game came out, I am willing to bet that other Sith Lords had tried the 'secret apprentice' idea before. Picture Revan from KOTOR deciding to train that one perfect apprentice far away from Korriban, and about the time TSL ends having a delayed 'dead man switch' recording tell the new Sith Lord that he's ready to go and conquer the galaxy. Had To MissxCellophane Through all of the KOTOR games: Sometimes, it's the only choice I understand why the author had problems with hard breaks between sections at fanfiction. I tend to use five asterisks (*****) as a break inside a chapter, and a few months ago I was previewing a new chapter and noticed that the system there edited them out. You will notice that I told you twice because when I post this review, I expect them to be gone yet again. I liked this a lot, even if it was short. Each situation was pretty much 'I had to do it', and covers both games together very well. I especially liked the idea that T3 was sent to get the Exile by Revan, and is doing what he was told to do, which explained why he was still there in the second game. Pick of the Week Nice Guys Skates16 TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: It's all HK's fault The piece cracked me up because I hadn't anticipated the end. Oh I know the Exile-Atton link up is possible, and the author did a good job of giving us how it could have started. But if you want to know why I laughed, read it! Pick of the Week http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4571213/1/Every-Little-Thing Every Little Thing Bee Hoon Originally reviewed 15 June, 2006 over at Lucasforums in the Coruscant Entertainment Center That review is below: After TSL: A hard decision creates another one. The work needs polishing. Other than that I can’t think of anything bad to say about it. Well done. Reprise Pick of the Week http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4569956/1/Star-Wars-Marek-s-Rebellion Star Wars: Marek's Rebellion Star Tours Traveler Force Unleashed AU: If the main character had survived facing both Vader and the Emperor, what might have happened? Having never played the game (Just checked, can't run II, maybe I could run game one in the PC version? I'll have to find out) I have only the basic storyline about the game itself, and a lot of what is happening is a bit confusing. The only glaring problem I had was; in the game he is assigned a pilot. Was that because he couldn't do it himself? Technical note, New construction: As we saw at the end of ROTS, the Empire has started construction of the Death Star. But Tarkin, by inference, suggested that the ship was still top secret. While the senate would have to be apprised of such a ship, it is unlikely that Senators would have been taken out to actually see it. As an example, Lockheed has what is called Skunk Works, where the prototypes that gave us the U2 and SR71 were built, but they were both so top secret that all the Armed Forces committees had was reports of their progress until they were completed. After all, the elected officials are human and eventually up for reelection, and boasting about how you're important enough to know about some supersecret project has blown so many of our real secrets. Technical note, Stealth: As one writer (Using magic instead of technology) pointed out, invisibility has drawbacks. Having two ships the size of the Falcon that close could easily be a chance for a collision The style is good, I just wish I had actually played it to get the changes the author made. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4578079/1/Empress-in-Waiting Empress in Waiting Marianne Bennet Mandalorian wars just before Malachor V: The soon to be Exile discovers Revan's betrayal. Remember to sight edit and polish. Some of the phrasing doesn't really work. If I general complains about casualties, he would say 'excessive, or inordinate' rather than great. And even then the casualty rates are dependent on the situation, so while in my own Dxun Memories Marai anticipated serious casualties on the attack, it was because of the situation, and I explained it there. Also, a general would be ordered back to her troops, but is not 'attached'. She would have been told to return to her 'assigned' command instead. The ending of the past segment left me a little flat. If the men under say George Patton had been told that he intended to push on to Berlin in early 1945 rather than accept the order to allow the Russians to do so instead, they would have followed. But if another General under him knew of Eisenhower's orders, he would not have merely returned to his division and gone on, he would have left in protest. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4325843/1/Defying-Gravity Defying Gravity Amme Moto KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan remembers her words to the Jedi before they left for the war. The piece bothered me primarily because Jedi would need people to fill the ancillary roles any organization would have, but some of them I cannot see them doing for themselves. As an example, a modern Tactical Fighter Wing has a complement of around 4,000, but of them all, only around 100 are considered when you speak of their exploits. Those men are the pilots of the 72 aircraft assigned. The rest are the maintenance crew from the actual flight line personnel down to the cooks and the guys who pick up the trash. I cannot see someone with all of the training a Jedi would need actually being assigned to be the cargo handlers on the docks, or cooks, except for the odd punishment detail or KP to use military parlance. In a work I read a few years ago, the author stated that the Jedi only accepted newborn children, and my reply was that they needed a new class to go with Guardian, Sentinel, and Consular. They needed Jedi babysitters too. 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machievelli Posted September 1, 2013 Author Share Posted September 1, 2013 A Man and his Jacket Emcey Squared TSL On Peragus: It looks like Atton's Jacket is closer to her than he will be The piece is well written, and the kittenish view of the Exile is a nice touch, especially talking Atton out of his jacket. Her reply when he comments about Kreia at is actually better than the one I have in my own work, and no, I am not going to jack it! It makes me wonder what goes after... Pick of the Week Flying Lessons Cylka TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A flying lesson The piece is well one and the segue from wanting to fly the ship to actually doing it neatly done. Atton's version of the 'hands on' approach reminded me of every guy teaching a woman how to move from baseball to golf, but was gently done. Pick of the Week The Skykiller's Tale LepRECONOfficer No specific era given: A vampire watches those around him with little or no real interest The piece is interesting, there is a vampiric race in the SW universe, but this appears to be the standard genre variety. 46 chapters long, and I really didn't have time to read further. Goodbye TehPrincess KOTOR aboard Star Forge: One last chance at redemption The piece is short and sour. The one person a Dark Side Revan might hope would survive is killed, and now she has nothing but what she has forged by her own hands remaining. Pick of the Week Legacy of the Jedi Jaden Light 2000 years after KOTOR: A young Jedi gets a new assignment It was interesting putting two Jedi into the equivalent of a holodeck, but I wonder what the Jedi had gone through in the last two millennia to have them create scenarios of one Jedi turning dark and attempting to kill their friend? Dark Paradise Kendoka Girl KOTOR approaching the Unknown Planet: Revan has more to deal with than just the mission I wonder why you have her reacting so negatively to Jolee's statement. Back in the time of Rome, one thing they added to a victory procession was a man whose entire job was to repeat, 'you too are mortal'. In the There Will Be War anthology, there is a story where a character compares two different generals, one, whose name escapes me, and Cinncinnatus. Both were great generals, but at one point in their lives; when they were called back from retirement because of terrible need, they went different ways. They both were offered the Dictator's seat. The other man accepted, and it was one of the worst times for Rome, because he was woefully incompetent as a politician. Cinncinnatus, the better remembered of the two, merely returned to his farm again. The way you have her handling Jolee's comments reminded me of the bad one. Technical note, Reentry: When a ship or for that matter an aircraft is coming in to land, the approach must be shallow. You can land by merely flying overhead and pointing it at the center, but that is also called a crash. When entering an atmosphere, you need a course that is shallow, but not shallow enough that you actually bounce back out. What you have described is an approach that is too steep instead. In the Movie Apollo 13, Jules Bergman, who was excellent at explaining science to the brain dead who depend on television pointed out that the manual maneuvering the crew had to do from over 200,000 miles away could have been devastating. He likened the approach they had to be on (With a globe and sheet of paper) to having to hit the edge of the sheet of paper from that distance. If they aimed too high, they would shoot past with no hope of making it home, and if too steep, to burning up instead. Except for the comments made above, the piece is up to the author's exacting standards, and well written. Inescapable Staple Gunned Post KOTOR: Male Revan and Bastila deal with the nightmares of her ordeal The biggest problem with what is now called PTSD is that you never really deal with it without help. If you look at the history of our own men who went through a war or torture at enemy hands, you can see sudden leaps in some areas. After the Mexican American War you had the sudden birth of the mountain men phenomenon, after the Civil War, the gunfighters of the old west. After WWI, the rise of Organized crime where a lot of the street soldiers were veterans, and after WWII, the birth of the motorcycle gangs. The last you can verify just from the names of the first ones. The original Hells Angels were primarily members of the bomber crews from the European war. As a small slice of life, it was very good. Destiny Forgotten This PenName wasn't taken KOTOR aboard Star Forge: There is one last chance of redemption, but will she take it? There is in life a point where you feel you cannot go back to what was before. You see it highlighted, in the Star Wars universe where someone does something they believe damns them for all time. This piece was excellent in portraying this. Revan facing Carth after she has resumed her title as Sith Lord, part of her yearning for that return to what she knew. Her actions fit the dark side ending, but her reactions afterward show that this last act is what finally damns her. Pick of the Week A Painful Exile Darth Yuthura Post KOTOR: One last act of defiance before she leaves Having read the author's work on another site, I was not surprised by the quality. The way the council literally heaping all the blame for Malachor on our exile fits the way the game works, but is more virulent here than when the dialogue of the game is played. Having both of the people she thought friends either standing silent or leading the attack was well done. In fact, some the author mentioned at the start gave me an idea of an explanation later in my own Return From Exile. Pick of the Week Unbreakable Promised Flower Post TSL: As the Exile prepares to depart, Revan finds herself in a cunning trap I have noticed that the site tends to remove things most of us might use to show scene breaks so I will not complain that we jumped from the Exile to Revan's predicament too quickly. The piece is well written, and the way you've woven both women's problems into it was nicely done. It could use polishing, but any writer will tell himself that it can use polishing. Interlude with a Jedi Princess Promised Flower KOTOR on Manaan: As the old saying goes, If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid... I had anticipated what was going to happen, but the endearments they used were funny and Bastila suggesting where she might put her foot outrageous. I loved it! Pick of the Week KOTOR II THE SITH TRIUMVIRATE Vyrazhi TSL AU: The start of the game is really different... This story is brand new to the fan fiction site, but as any who have been reviewed by me knows, one way to jump the queue and be reviewed early, is to ask me to look at it now. Vyrazhi (Who goes by another name over at lucasforums. Who you might ask? If she wants me to tell you, she'll tell me!) has done good work over at Lucasforums, and I agreed because as I said, she does good work. I didn't have a chance to read all four chapters for this review (For you kid, I will go back and read it all and critique all of it) but just the start has enough changes that I know it will be interesting. Creating another droid who keeps clubbing her over the head medically was a nice touch. I think she only wants to find it to return the favor. From the blurb I know there's a lot more to come. Why not check it out? Pick of the Week. 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machievelli Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 A loose End TehPrincess TSL on Malachor V: When she tries to leave alone, Atton doesn't let her. This is an interesting take on the Exile's further mission. The Exile knows what she faces, but Atton does not. And with the Mass Shadow Generator about to be deployed for a final time, we aren't even sure the pair will make it off the planet. How's that for a cliffhanger? Pick of the Week Identity Thieves of the Old Republic Kendoka Girl KOTOR and of all places, Middle Earth: What's in your Wallet? Kendoka Girl surprised and delighted me with this one. I usually only read a single chapter into a work unless it's very short, or in this case, a laugh riot. You can hear the voice (Which doesn't match on the first three) and know instantly who has stolen whose credit card identity, and having the Mandalorians imitate the Vikings from the card commercial is literally outrageous! You gotta read this! Pick of the Week Blades of Grass and Acid Rivers Chasing Liquor TSL on Dantooine: Some conflict on the plains, and a vision Technical note: While a material blade might get caught in a body, a lightsaber (Which cuts anything except Beskar Iron or Cortosis) would not have this problem. The first part was interesting, but to me, the more interesting part was the dream described at the end. The idea that you are running through a nightmare, and what you are pursuing is in reality your own future. You Are Not Mandalore Lord Zeuss TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: In the depths of frustration, he finds another way to look at the situation While Manda'lor is frustrated by the situation, I can understand what he does not. When you have an entire society founded on honor, and that is taken away, what do you have left? We see this in Japan during the period of the Mejii Restoration. The entire class of the Samurai was abolished, and thousands of years of loyal service was thrown in the trash. Samurai who lost their masters before became what were called Ronin, and Japanese history is replete with these men becoming nothing more than bandits until they found another master willing to redeem them. Our hero faces this here. That was part of the reason I had my own Revan (Genesis of a Jedi) give the honor of being their leader publicly. Even my own version of Manda'lor will face this in my TSL novel (Return From Exile), because there are men out there who desperately need structure to make their lives worth living. Some will refuse to accept it, others will embrace that return. But the part that does return will be the stronger for the lack of those who refuse. Pick of the Week KOTOR III The True Sith Tended Believes Post TSL: Having found what they sought, Revan and the Exile now have to race home to warn the Republic The piece has little description, and almost no characterization, but it it like one of the Frank Miller chiaroscuro drawing from Sin City. An oppressive feeling suddenly becomes cause to flee, and to us the reader, we know they have found it, but don't even know what 'it' is. SQAKOTOR Edition: Carth Onasi Kawe n' Wessie KOTOR after Leviathan: Can he trust her? I don't know the song, but it doesn't matter. My only problem with it is that the entire encounter is contrived. After all, whether Revan has gone back to the dark or not, in either case you can picture her saying 'trust me' before there is proof of the return to darkness. Memorable memory Gamerchicksrhott TSL final confrontation: The Exile looks outside herself for more strength. The piece is very short, and while both Kreia and Mandalorian are both misspelled, that is not much to complain about really. But it didn't really move me, and I had hoped it would. Stockholm Syndrome TehPrincess Pre TSL: Before the torture, Atton is briefly compassionate We don't know a lot about the woman that caused Atton to flee the Sith. What we do know is only his own memories, and in the game they are vague. But I can see her going through this, having him torment her by neglect then doing something simple like this to try to break her spirit. But a person good at torture would do it just to have the difference between this and what follows. Moments Between BananaLollipop17 KOTOR on Tatooine: One good turn deserves another... The piece slipped up and blindsided me. Starting with The Look, which freezes others in their tracks, then the playful mood that follows. Very nicely done. Pick of the Week Star Wars: Republic Commando: Alpha-Squad Revan-Kun Set during the Clone Wars: A team is sent on their first real assignment I have only two negatives, one technical. The other is that it's too short to get a good idea of how good you might be. Technical note, armor: If their armor is so good, why is the armor used later by the Storm Troopers so weak in comparison ? Luke for example aboard the Death Star in ANH killed Storm Troopers merely using their own weapons Unless it is a special armor only issued to the Commandos, it doesn't make sense since the first rule of Armor is that it is designed to face a specific threat, such as the frontal armor of the German Tiger tank, and it is always being upgraded because the second rule of armor is that no matter how good it is, the warhead to defeat it is already being planned or in production. Star Wars Adventures of Han Solo and Chewbacca Grand Moff Tarkin Question: Why is this shuttle unnamed, when the same class shuttle in ROTJ was? Technical note sounds: While used in almost all of Hollywood's productions, remember that there is no way to hear a sound in space. Technical note, Imperial presence: As oppressive as the Empire is, they could not have bases on every planet. BY my estimate (In my own Return From Exile) the Republic spans over a hundred thousand planets, and having even a few score men at each would mean millions of troops deployed only as garrison troops. In comparison the US has a few hundred legations and embassies, and have about a regiment (1500 men) assigned to that duty compared to the million or so under arms. Dreams and Reality LilliaJohnson Post TSL: Revan finally returns The piece is well written, the scenes believable and enjoyable. The reunion begins as a dream, but soon becomes reality. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 14, 2013 Author Share Posted September 14, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Lessons in Exile Msficwriter TSL From the beginning: Discussions with Kreia I read the work, and read The Catto's comments, and echo them. The work appears rushed, and there is almost no characterization, though having the Exile wet herself was a nice touch. The one thing that bothered me was having her confused when the meditation began. After all, she had been a Jedi for several years before the war, and how to meditate is not something you would forget. Only finding the peace within it. Fanfiction.net My Immortal Unlock.your.heart KOTOR One-shots: Brief glimpses of life from Carth's viewpoint I usually only read the first chapter if there's more than one. I honestly don't have enough time for more. But after reading the first, I went on to read the second. That made me wish I had time for more. What the author has done in about 500 words per segment is create a snapshot of a moment. And each. Like a photo, is set in stone, and just as excellent. Pick of the Week Sister xIgnoranceIsBlissx Post KOTOR: Revan finally remembers why a name is important to her The piece literally slapped me in the face halfway through the first chapter. It has been suggested by other authors that Revan and the Exile were siblings. But this one links them tightly because while Revan had kept her last name, she had chosen unwittingly her exiled sister's first name, and that is causing nightmares in her present. The note she left for Carth is intriguing, and I wish I could read further into it because I wanted to see his reaction five years later when a woman he doesn't know bears that same name... Pick of the Week The Change of Blades Revan-Kun Pre-KOTOR AU: What if Malak's plan had failed? The piece was short enough and interesting enough that I read it all the way through. The scenes, while well done left me flat. Allowing a Jedi to surrender, then killing her almost absently made little or no sense to me. Having Bastila merely accept this made even less. Winter Wonderland Flooj9235 Pre Mandalorian Wars: Fun in the snow leads to more I enjoyed the scenes, picturing the staid Jedi actually playing like children in the snow. The only jarring scene was Malak being upset about Revan's reaction. The Heroine Flooj9235 KOTOR on Lehon: They both finally admit their feelings As much as people react negatively, I have never been bothered by slash unless it's shoved in your face. Who or how you love is between you and your partner. That said, I disagree with the author's comment about the last paragraph. The entire piece is gently done, and the two lovers are finally happy that they have admitted it. Pick of the Week Trial by Fire Royalstraight Set in TOR: A young Jedi deals with the people around him in an odd manner The piece is a bit confusing. From an astromech droid that wants to have his brain moved to other types, to dealing with kids, to kissing a girl. He doesn't come across as your average Jedi. Something to Hold Onto Cylka TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton and the Exile relax at a rave The piece is a nice little slice of life. For the first time we see the Exile relaxing rather than leaping from fight to fight. A Typical 'date' situation. Ways of the Force Horned Reaper Set in TSL: A teenager finds himself in the game. Technical note: West is a direction on a planetary surface, not one used in a ship, which because it can move, would have no way to determine west from east. While I would usually ding someone on using the nautical terms, the direction the Jedi should have given on returning from the cockpit should have been 'turn right in this back hall'. The one thing I liked was the sense of awe, and the boy immediately 'not' remembering the layout of the ship he had seen. However I would wonder why Jekk didn't sense the duplicity. Take It Easy (Love Nothing) Sarcasm Turtle Post TSL: With the Exile soon to leave for the Unknown Regions, Atton holds onto what he has The piece is good enough that I wanted to read beyond the first small chapter. However I was confused that Atton could drug her, since drugs are not supposed to work that readily on a Jedi. Of course considering his past, he would probably know what to use, but I wouldn't have considered it for a good reason as she did. SWTOR: The Becoming Series Episode I Luminescent Fool SWTOR on Tatooine: An unexpected visitor is looking for the hero The piece was thought provoking, and too short to my tastes. Having an attractive woman looking for you, then punching out the person she was directed at was surprising and made me want more to read. Pick of the Week The end Before the Beginning AssassinsLover Several months Post KOTOR: The crew is preparing for a new mission The piece flows rather well, with Anna (Revan) totally clueless about why Bastila is upset. A Map to Where? Shadow of the Storm KOTOR on Taris: A pair of young gamer find themselves in the game. As the author has said, the idea has been done before. The primary difference is it is a pair of girls, and no one is sure who Revan is yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 21, 2013 Author Share Posted September 21, 2013 SWTOR: Fell Rain Part I Luminescent Fool Set in The Old Republic on Dxun: The sole survivor of the crash must now leave his sanctuary. The piece is well written, and the descriptions of the crew slowly going mad is well done, heightening the sense of danger. There is only two negatives, that are addressed below: Technical note, Pirates: It is exceedingly rare that pirates will attack a warship. When they do, it is almost always when they have quantitative or qualitative superiority; they either have better ships or a lot more ships. This is so rare, there are few examples in history. During the age of Exploration when the British attacked the shipping of Spain in the Caribbean, the privateers would attack single ships rather than convoys. Though of a better design as the Spanish Armada later proved, the British didn't have a lot of force without gathering in larger numbers; something they very rarely did. Piracy needs unsettled times to survive, just as bandits on land do. When the government is secure, such raids are small enough that the losses do not cause reprisals. To attack a warship, especially one of the largest in the Republic's fleet means it has been left untended too long in that area. Technical note, Ship nomenclature: Until the author mentioned that the survivor was aboard a ship, I ignored this. Please read my article; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. Pick of the Week Of Passion Darth Franky Mandalorian wars: The soon to be Exile is caught between duty and the man she still loved If you assume a Revan already falling to the Darkside, this is very well done. History is repleted with Senior military and political figures who violated their marriage vows, and the women they did so with were assumed to be besmirched by that action. One minor point; depending on where you are in the US, 'legal' can be as young as fourteen. In some foreign countries and religions it can be as young as 13 as long as both consent. Forgiven Jax Solo TSL before the Jedi Masters: A girl is exiled yet again The piece is very well done. The idea of the Exile being a Mandalorian has been done before, but not often, and never better in my memory. I only had a chance to read the first chapter, but if you want to, there are 55 in total. I would suggest you try it at least. Pick of the Week The Hero's Cross Darth Noot Pre TSL: The woman that is the Exile leads a brutal life... This is a departure from what we would expect from the Exile. It is reminiscent of the Movie Gladiator in that the hero of the war is now nothing more than a slave fighting for the amusement of the audience. In fact it would be the opposite of my own Return From Exile. There are different ways people deal with having been in a war on the front lines. Some return home and never harm anything again. Others break under the pressure, and are never whole again. But some cannot let go of what they have done during a war. Our heroine here is trying to take the two different parts of her life and put them together, like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle made from two different pictures. Deep down she is still the Jedi she had been, looking for a murderer, but the other is the wounded person that survived who now lives only for the kill. Pick of the Week The Reign of Darth Revan HK47fan Post KOTOR AU: With Revan back in command of the Sith, the Senate and remaining Jedi flee The piece is confusing for a lot of reasons, not all of them good. A battle is by it's very nature confusing, but you've added to it unnecessarily. Twice you have the Captain say 'we don't have time' then go on to explain anyway. Second, you have the Jedi aboard pretty much sitting in their quarters doing nothing, when they of all people should know the situation is going to hell in a handbasket. Technical note, Protective Security Actions: A security detail has one mission, and only one mission; protect the principle. Watch a video of any assassination attempt, and what you will see is them pretty much carrying that person to safety even if he or she is fighting to stay where they are. A principle who is alive to scream at you later is more important in their mind than one who wants to stay for whatever reason. I joked in one story of my own that a character's security detail would rather lock him in a safe basement and let him out on alternate weekdays when they knew he was under threat. Technical note, Unit size: In a boarding action you would not throw Battalions of troops against anything much smaller than a Star Destroyer because frankly there isn't enough room to maneuver and fight. As an example, a modern Super carrier has a crew of about 6,000, but of them there are less than a hundred Marines, so throwing six hundred plus (a battalion) is not done because a lot of those men would be jammed into smaller spaces where they cannot fight efficiently. Back in the age of sail, even a ship of the line had only about 600 aboard, and while everyone you can spare would be thrown into a boarding action, you would still have people left aboard your own ship. Read my article LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > Post #11 Boarding Actions: The Few, The Proud Technical note, ship design and nomenclature: You have consistently treated the ship as if it were a building with the same terms and even design that would be used if it were. Please read the article Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. One primary reason I added this aside, is that on a ship, there is no ladder well (Not stairwell) that goes from top to bottom on a ship; a ladder is for going between single decks, so even where there is direct access from say the main deck to the bilge, you would go down a ladder, around to another below that one, and so on. They are all separated by hatches to close off all of the decks in combat, so while like going down a stairwell in a building, you would not be able to cut it off more than a deck above you. The sight line is less than three meters. The temple War: Prophecy of two Keijiro Mishima Set after the New Republic: A Dark Jedi gets a second chance The piece is interesting in that we get to see what probably happened to Revan after his capture (According to canon. Mine is female, so there). The primary difference between this situation and Revan's is that they appear unable to implant memories, which would have been needed for the game character. Chaotic Horizon DorkLonk Imperial Era: A Star Destroyer Captain defeats an enemy and shows no mercy As much as the author seems to think the scenes are brutal, they are not. Considering that Tarkin blew an entire planet up just because he didn't want to have his weapon's power used on some small backwater planet, having a captain decide to slaughter everyone down to the women and children fits the 'reign by terror' attitude the Empire seemed to espouse. If the author had wanted to shock me, it would have been to accept the surrender, and have him thinking about merely executing anyone he didn't consider important out of hand. Technical Note, aircraft complement: According to the SWRPG rules, a Star Destroyer carries 72, which means your 'hundreds' of bombers would more likely be about thirty. The piece is a well written minor battle scene. Fever Dreams LilliaJohnson TSL on Dxun: The Exile deals not only with a fever, but with Atton as well The piece is, as the author said, primarily fluffiness. Between her dreams of a romantic encounter and Atton's tenderness, it was almost too sweet. One point; how is it that the Exile (Who had probably been on Dxun before) didn't catch it earlier? A King In My Own Mind Lord Zeuss Pre TSL: The Jedi that caused Atton to run willingly goes into captivity The entire work is through the eyes of the last Jedi Atton tortured. Her determination to carry through is bright and clear. She has a purpose in this, and destroying him frees him You Win Abominable Boredom TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Such dirty minds... The piece is short, sweet, and funny as hell. Everyone has their own view of what is happening in the cockpit, but it's not what they think... Pick of the Week The No True Sith Fallacy Elwin Ransom TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Stuck because someone double parked? The piece was a riot from start to finish. Starting with the Exile (Who does have a name, but since it's overly long everyone calls him Exile anyway) complaining to Kreia about her mental insinuations, to an argument in alliteration which ends with the Exile admitting defeat because he can't keep up with it. All of the other characters being cardboard cutouts that won't come to life unless the Exile decides to make them Jedi, and Atton admitting he's a student from a theological college and ordained minister. I didn't expect any of what happened, and loved every minute! Pick of the Week Paradise Reborn Kendoka Girl KOTOR aboard Star Forge: Facing the final battles The scenes are well laid out, and flow with stunning force. In fact the only negative I see is the idea that the battle goes on for many days. Without massive reinforcements, the fleet sent by the Republic would not last that long. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Great Khan of Space Yukub No specific era given: A Leader contemplates war and divisions in his own nation. The piece is very short, and there is what I (As a history buff) would call a flaw, but the background is enough that I think it might turn out well. I was intrigued by the idea that your Khan has only one wife. There is no mention of any children by his concubines, and this is rare, even if he only access the harem when his wife is ill. the old saying goes about pregnancy, 'it only takes one time' and any of their children can theoretically become pretenders to the throne with the right backing. Technical note, Imperial Succession: Divisiveness in the possible claimants to the throne would never be so openly spoken. Anyone, even one of his sons who spoke that openly would have been declared traitor, and executed. But a divided house has a lot of problems as history shows. I would read up on the Asians, specifically the Chinese in this regard, since the court of that nation was a constant boil of plot and counter plot. Not only to see how they plotted, but to see how they dealt with the problems. When Henry VIII died, he had declared both of his daughter illegitimate so that his only son Edward VI could have the throne. However Edward died at sixteen before he could take the throne. This caused problems because with both daughters supposedly barred from the throne (Which had been negated by the Third Succession Act), it gave the throne to his cousin Lady Jane Grey at his request under the Devise for the succession. His attempt failed. Jane was queen for only 10 days before the Privy Council deposed her and gave the throne to Mary. Fanfiction.net Merry Little KotOR Christmas A Raven's Heart KOTOR on Tatooine: Revan says the four words you don't anticipate. The piece tended to ramble a bit, and the author did everything possible to make sure we didn't know who the male character is. The answer was surprising. Star Wars KoTOR III: In His Footsteps again Nader Mohaidle Post TSL on Ebon Hawk: The Exile decides to follow Revan The piece has a lot of problems with grammar word usage and spelling, but until I can write coherently in Lebanese, I will let them slide. The primary problems that can be addressed is polish and pacing. The first scenes are a little jumpy, and can be smoothed out, and the remainder can do with polish. The primary story is good, the idea that she might take some of them with her put forward, but as I did not have time to read past the first chapter, we as yet do not know. However, assuming that killing off the last of the Jedi will automatically remove the threat of the Sith is like saying that disarming the citizenry will automatically reduce the crime rate, which as has been proven in England, Canada and South Africa, is a specious argument. Adventures of an Imperial Pilot Kendoka Girl Pre The Force Unleashed: The young Juno Eclipse gets her chance as a pilot The intro is interesting, but until I can find a computer (Or upgrade this one; fat chance) I have never played TFU. This is an example of what is called Patronage in the military. You get your position, in this case, entry into the Academy as a cadet because someone higher in rank, whether social or military, decides you deserve it. While almost all of the cadets in the modern Federal Military Academies here in the US are run this way, all of them also have slots held open for very special people; the children of men who have won the Congressional Medal of Honor. I wished I had a chance to read further. As I said, the intro itself was interesting... Defenseless StatlerWaldorf Pre TSL: A repentant Kavar tries to stop the Exile from leaving The piece is well done, and right to the point. The feeling both have for each other are clearly defined, and actually make the pain worse. Pick of the Week A Crossing of Paths Blurry Heel No specific era given: Two Jedi, one dark, the other light, are bound for a confrontation. The piece is short, and sadly, has not been updated in over four years. I read the author's comment before it started, so let's treat this as if I were a teacher and the author one of my students. The piece jumps from one character to the other without a break, and this is confusing to the reader. Think of a story like a river, carrying the reader from place to place, and while you can expect rough patches in it, throwing them in as you have makes it more confusing. There is no characterization, so we do not know what either looks like, so we cannot merely picture them as actors on a screen. However the aside that the Jedi spent so much time on working with the lightsaber is a nice touch. I am left wondering why the Dark side one is having so many problems. Is it because he feels assassination is wrong? Is he worried about the assignment? I do not know the sex of the author, but the comment about what to do with the specific books mentioned made me laugh out loud. I would echo the sentiment only if you use the Oxford Unabridged English dictionary you might see if you actually go to the library; the ones that are as big as an ancient Gutenberg bible, and have all 1 million plus words in it. Therapy Skywalker05 Post TSL AU: A dark Atton offers to help the Exile find her proper place at his side The piece is very good. Though I cannot see someone going berserk and literally bathing in the blood of their enemies going back to the light, considering the Dark Jedi we have seen in either the movies or games. Just once in KOTOR I played it darkside from when Bastila had fallen and tries to seduce Revan to do the same at the temple. The idea that you automatically had to then slaughter everyone but Zaalbar Canderous and the Droids pretty much said it all. But to have someone you might have once cared about literally standing in the wings, waiting for you to fail is chilling. Pick of the Week Spaced Abominable Boredom TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Don't play if you can't pay... The piece is very short, but like the companion piece You Win, very amusing. It focuses primarily on the Exile's viewpoint, down to her skivvies, and dreading what card Atton draws next. I have never gotten into Pazaak because I don't play many card games. But the Nar Shaddaa rules variant sounds amusing. The way it would have been even more funny is by using the scene to replace the end of You Win... Star Wars: Unlucky Confrontation Toranih AU concurrent with KOTOR: A Jedi gets more than he anticipated on a mission The piece is fun to read, and has a lot to say about the Jedi Council in particular. The entire council once he returns assumes he has automatically gone to the dark side and taking any comment he makes as further proof of it. Their reactions are over the top even at the one person who can determine whether he has been poisoned by the Sith Lord. Their reaction that the only one who can teach him what he needs to learn is also that master's apprentice... The commentary before he departed on the mission reminded me of the Dirty Pair; because he gets sent on missions that go awry, yet they still send him off alone on another one anyway. Pick of the Week KOTOR For the Republic Nemo-Of-Rayne Alternate Dark Side ending: He does what he must for the Republic The piece was a bit shocking at the end, though if you know Carth as a character, it makes perfect sense if he had the chance to carry it out. Pick of the Week Republic Commando: Gone Master Vash Post Order 66: How do you deal with the death of someone you love? The piece is short and brutally quick. Darman, the Clone who loved the Jedi Etain has to deal with her death, and as Boss thinks after, it's something you can never let go of. The author made a comment I wondered about. Why isn't there a SW book category? Pick of the Week Trophies Fever Dreams Set when Atton was 16: A final message from a dead brother, and finally escaping from home The piece is interesting in that we see Atton back when he was still only Jaq, and a typical teenager like an American one who does drugs, and steals his father's blaster to have fun. There is not enough said about the drug in the books I have read to know if you can smoke it or not. But it also give us a reason for him chosing that first name later. The Jedi Exile Razzle89 TSL, no specific place or time given: As the Exile tests the new lightsaber, there are thoughts on what had happened before The piece is a very good look inside the mind of the Exile. Since the lightsaber is something the Jedi prefer it makes the reader wonder about things unsaid. Are you automatically evil if someone you respected thinks so? Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Loss Chevron 7 Locke No specific era given: All he can think about is the one he didn't save The only negative I have is the comment that the team is made up of people who defected from the Republic, but they are fighting for the Republic. The piece is a good view of what a lot of commanders feel after a battle, that if you had been better, you wouldn't have lost the people you did Marco Polo Christos200 NSW based on movie about Marco Polo's life:Account of one of the campaigns in China witnessed by Marco Polo You're style has improved markedly since your last posting. I see that you have taken my critiques to heart. The language is still stilted, but part of that is that I know that English is a second language. The piece needs polishing, but not as much as you might think; primarily it is word usage and repetition. You tell us twice for example that De lives at the Red Farm, which is unnecessary. You also call a bowl of soup 'a soup', which is not common usage in English. In English, you would only say say that it is soup, not a soup. Much improved. Welcome back. Fanfiction.net Rising Valor Tauqoc Arbit SW AU: What if the Sith had come first? The piece wanders a bit, but on the whole was interesting, especially the idea that the Sith as a group might have come first. It is really a pity the author did not continue it. To the author, I have this to say; to quote Elizabeth Moon from her book Change of Command when talking about making bread, 'you don't get good by making a loaf of bread, you get good by making a lot of bread'. A History Lesson Shadows Of The Storm Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The tension finally boils over The piece needs sight editing. You used unnecessary words right off the bat 'the same' in the first sentence confused me. You also used to when you meant too. My mantra for every writer I review is 'reread, edit, polish, repeat'. The piece is well done beyond that, the idea of 'fan girls' being used inside it was amusing, and the sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a knife. Having Revan know that Kavar is in love with her long before he knew it was choice. Tortured Paradise Shadows Of The Storm Post TSL: Atton views his relationship with the Dark Exile as an addiction, and wonders if she is as much addicted to him. Except for some word usage problems as mentioned above, this was a good workmanlike story. The piece is, as the author said, very dark. To the new Atton, the death of everyone else they had fought alongside is barely worth a mention, and while he worries that one day she will also rid herself of him, he believes partly that he may survive. Grief[/url RHIW Post TFU: A blind Jedi meets the boy who might have been his Padawan Again, I have never played TFU, primarily because I don't have enough money to upgrade my laptop to play the PC version. Seeing a Jedi still alive in hiding after General Order 66 was fun, and having the kid later known as Starkiller visiting him from the Force was well done. Crucible of Souls Jord Post TSL: With flashbacks, the Exile finds herself imprisoned by an unknown enemy The piece is the companion to No World for Heroes (Reviewed back in December of last year), and while a bit confusing when she is concentrating on the present day, is very well done. The idea that a prison guard is going to allow a thug to come in and beat her up is an interesting way to find a way to have her escape. Pick of the Week Late Night Talk Shadows Of The Storm After the Battle of Malachor V: Revan and the soon to be Exile say goodbye Except for the sight editing problem I mentioned above, the piece is excellent. The idea that at this point Revan is only pretending to have fallen is an interesting twist. Pick of the Week Chronicles From Mandalore: What it Takes Daennika Set in Republic Commando, after General Order 66 By Karen Traviss: A Mando'a father returns to the life of his children The piece is very interesting. I knew when the author mentioned the book by Ms Traviss, I knew it would be faithful to the genre as she created it, and wish I could dive into all 12 chapters. One thing; first work? Excellent. Pick of the Week Salvaged Freshmeat the Dead KOTOR from the Beginning: A different look at the main character The piece is different in that first Revan appears a bit more aggressive than in normal. She's trying to blast the door open when Trask arrives. She's also more interested in Number One, as the scene where Trask faces off with Bandon. The idea that someone other than a Jedi can use a lightsaber flies in the face of what most people seem to believe, but as I pointed out in my own Genesis of a Jedi, the primary problem is that using a regular sword, you have weight you have to compensate for, whereas light weighs nothing. Technical note: Melee is a form of combat with blunt or edged weapons up close and personal. Please read my article; On Melee Weapons LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre >post 45 No Boundaries Flooj9235 Pre Mandalorian Wars: Bastila and Revan finally meet The idea that the pair became good friends this early is a good one. The only negative is primarily with (I know you'll hate it) Canon. In KOTOR Bastila is 19. For Revan to have gone off to fight the Mandalorians, that means she would have had to leave at 15. I cannot see any military accepting that a fifteen year old girl is competent, nor would Malak at 15 be considered competent. Childlike Innocence Bronzeraven Pre Mandalorian Wars: This does look like the start of a beautiful friendship... I always look at work with a critical eye. While I was all set to lambaste the author for creating a character set on Terra, I had to chuckle when the author went on to explain that the character comes from a mythical planet. I can picture the two children, one six, the other eight, and while we know as readers that it doesn't turn out well, we can still treasure that glimpse into their young lives. Pick of the Week Passion, Love, and Hate Revan Tale Naomi Blackstar The style makes me think you might be someone to whom English is a second language because of the errors I have seen, so I'll leave the improper words alone. Remember conversation breaks. A conversation or story is like a river, it flows naturally. If you jam all of the comments from all of the characters into one paragraph, it confuses the readers. The piece is a simple slice of action with Revan and her team fighting their way out of the Korriban Academy. Leaving the Past Behind Shadows Of The Storm Post KOTOR: The soon to be Exile says goodbye to Kavar As I said before, the piece needs editing and polishing. It was very good beyond that. The idea that the Exile loved and might still love Kavar has been done, but this scene where she takes her leave of him is one of the best I have seen so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Angel Crime Scene Fairy TSL On board Ebon Hawk after Korriban: The one thing she needs to stay in the light, is her angel The piece needs sight editing and polishing, but on the whole, well done. I used the same premise, but it was in the relationship between my Exile and Atris. I Am Not Trembling Simone Ruru TSL On board Ebon Hawk: It just...happened The author is Romanian, and admits English is not her native tongue. That being said, there was little wrong with it that couldn't be fixed by a sight edit. What do you mean 'ravaged' hair?. But the day I can write coherently in Romanian, I'll really complain. Very well done. Looking for Knights of the Old Republic Allison147 One year after TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A young scout gains an ally in the quest to bring the two Jedi heroes home. The author was 14 when she wrote this, and is 19 now. That being said, it is what I would expect of an author that age, needing some work, but not a lot. As an example, considering the reputation of the Smuggler's Moon, I don't see why you had to have the weapons be black market (And it is that, not marketed) since there is little or no law there. The piece (I only read the first chapter, no time to read further) was well done, but a scout has to blend in, and having that be her worst skill is kinda bad. I assume the mission is self imposed, because if I were the officer ordering it, I wouldn't have sent her. But on the whole as I said, well done. Step Into The Twilight WhatTheHellHero No specific era given: A battle between a Jedi and a cloaked man The piece is short, and needs some sight editing. You used hios instead of his. Interesting enough, you also reversed the roles in the dialogue; having the Jedi be the one blustering and posturing rather than the one who is supposed to be Sith. Really too short to get a good read on the author's skills. Intangible MasterVash KOTOR on Kashyyk: Carth has a bad trip, thanks to Canderous Except for some editing problems (Through instead of Throw) it was a cute little piece. Having Canderous slip something into Carth's drink to 'cheer him up' ends badly, but doing that kind of thing is what a lot of people do without considering the consequences. People With Broken Wings Never Forget unlock.your.heart Seven years after TFU: Juno Eclipse mourns alone, but not for long As I have said many times before, I have never played TFU, though I know the basic story line of it. The author has Juno having a brief relationship with the main character in the past, and had a daughter by him. The scene had a resonance with me because I met my second ex-wife the last year I worked the Renaissance Faire and she had an eight year old girl in tow. I almost expected Juno's line from here when she said the reason she hadn't seen me was the girl. No, she wasn't my daughter. But for a moment, I thought that was what she was going to say. Here we have Galen making the same mistake in reverse. He sees the girl, assumes the woman he loved is with another, and ready to walk away. Pick of the Week I-Don-t-Want-to-Talk-About-It-Right-Now Eliatra Sabre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The opening battle from the POV of Carth Onasi Remember to sight edit. I only saw one flaw, using crafts instead of craft, so it's more my standard admonition rather than a scream of dismay. The piece does what few others have tried to do, tell of the battle from another perspective. This scenario, fighters and shuttles attacking from bases on the ground makes more sense than the 'hidden fleet' most assume. We see exactly what I would have expected, the Jedi dithering, Onasi taking charge, and fighting the battle he has been given. Pick of the Week A New Hope Amme Moto Post TSL: Revan along with both the crews of the old Ebon Hawk are in search of a holocron... One minor detail. A pair is two, so having them 'pair' into fours doesn't make a lot of sense. This is another of the author's stories linked to traveling into the future during the prequels of the old SW movies. I have only read single chapters of each so far, because I do not have the time between RL and my own writing, but this one is interesting because maybe she will figure out what is causing it... The interplay between Revan and Atris is fun because you rarely see Jedi at each other's throat, and her own words given back to her by Carth 'you can't interrogate a dead body' was just icing on the cake. Pick of the Week Apprentice to the Triumvirate Ravyn66613 Pre TSL: A new Sith Lord is born The piece was intriguing, especially in the information about her race and planet, but it is there where I also found some flaws. Technical note, Dating: It isn't logical to use a dating system that doesn't even exist yet. It would be like having Julius Caesar talking to a modern news reporter and saying he wrote the phrase 'I came, I saw, I conquered' down in 47 BC, even though the dating system didn't exist yet. Technical note, Royal ascension: The idea that she must be married to ascend the throne makes sense of a sort. My question is, why didn't the usurpers force her to marry into their family to legitimize their power grab? Technical note, Invisible planet?: While the day and night form aspect of the character makes her interesting, the idea that the planet itself will hide from prying eyes is a little hard to swallow. Of course In the EU they have both the home planet of the Yuuzhan Vong and Zenoma Sekot, a living planet with a hyperdrive. The problem is that visibility is due to light wavelengths reflecting off an object. Perhaps the planet is only visible in specific wavelengths. But since the race that lives there is known, it would not take a forensic pathologist long to determine exactly which wavelengths their eyes use. Larry Niven in his Flannery of Terra series had the superspy constantly reporting what color frequencies aliens he had met saw with by something as simple as the colors of the clothes they wore. Dragon's Wisdom Ellagne KOTOR on Tatooine: What if you just asked the Dragon to move? The idea intrigued me, and made me wish I had considered it when I wrote Genesis of a Jedi. I hated the 'you have to kill the dragon' scenario so much I actually came up with a rationale beyond just hunting him. Even then I had Calo Nord kill him. I enjoyed the idea that it was here she discovered she had been Revan, and since I have never liked the human body becoming warped by the Dark side, that her beauty was only slightly affected by it. Pick of the Week Words Unspoken Littlegeekpenguin Post KOTOR: In her mind, Revan cannot separate the two men that she loved, and cannot tell the one she is with now The view of the situation is interesting because anyone who has been through two different long term relationships even separated by time will always find similarities between the two. That is why something your present partner might say will trigger a reaction because the old partner had said it under adversarial circumstances. When we talk about someone 'pushing your buttons' it is this kind of situation. Visions DarkxPrince Pre KOTOR: Revan investigates Malachor V before the battle The piece needs sight editing because like I do when the flow of words is heavy, you leave out words. As an example, you left out a word when you said 'he couldn't imagine (How) strong'. The piece is on the whole, well written, though having the last battle between him and Manda'lor on the surface didn't feel right. First the Mass Shadow Generator should have crumpled everything except itself into the gravity well it created, rather than sparing the planet. Second, if he succeeded in destroying the Mandalorian fleet, what happened to the Republic ships further out? No one on his side would have complained about the battle if the fleet was still intact. Also, why would you expect the Mandalorians to come to a planet they shun? If you have ever read the Celtic stories about Bran the Great, there was a Bann placed on him by his parents that he would never enter a building. The one time he did, he died. Some taboos make no sense, but they are something observed by peoples throughout the world, and there is always a reason for it. If I were Manda'lor, I would have merely offered another venue rather than charge in with the entire fleet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 20, 2013 Author Share Posted October 20, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Blessed be man, for the sake of the one Pious! Yukub NSW Fiction: A biblical reason for mankind's survival Having read both of the books mentioned, I am struck by one flaw; When God, by whatever name you wish to use for him/her has decided to destroy somewhere, he didn't hinge the survival of the entire race on one man. Two examples: When the flood occurred, it wasn't the entire race that survived, but only Noah and his family. When Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, it was Lot and his family that were spared. In a society that ridicules religion, and actively persecutes the devout, praying openly would sway few others. So depending on the open acts of faith of one man and his wife would only get them killed. Duel to the Death Christos200 NSW Kung Fu story: A young boy learns the hard way Since you've improved, maybe you'll also follow my suggestion for a beta reader? You still tend to use phrasing that doesn't make sense at first glance, and that detracted from the pleasure of reading. Just a suggestion. The only negative for the story itself I had with it was the treatment of the main character by his master. It wasn't until later that you had the old man explain why, which helped a bit. However his new master Ma is almost as bad, with even less reason for it. However having once watched a lot of the old Kung Fu movies, I did see you following the 'wimp becomes master' method of such stories. Fanfiction.net A Life of Sacrifice Darth Yuthura Years post TSL: While on Katarr, the Exile hears through the Force The piece is good so far. As I usually do when reviewing, I don't have the time to read everything, and this is the case here. For those of us who did bother to hear the prophesies that Traya gives the character, this was the one that made me wonder the most. That Visas would hear what she was meant to hear. However in that case, Visas got nothing but the injuries she gets from falling a couple of times. A pity I didn't have a chance to read further, since the blurb of the story suggests something interesting. The Woes Of A Sith Lord Kali Yugah KOTOR enroute to Korriban: A confusing memory afflicts Revan I am not sure from the screen name whether you are English by birth or an immigrant. Because of that, I will assume ESL, and go from there. The piece has some serious editing problems. Primarily, you have to remember conversation breaks. Think of a story as a river, and the reader is being pushed by the current. When you forget the breaks, whether conversation or paragraph, the reader is swept into rapids, making them struggle to keep up with you, rather than merely sitting there and viewing the scenery you have created. By the end of the story, I was quite honestly too confused to understand what you were trying to put across. Eulogy Vis-Et-Decus TSL, no specific planet mentioned: The Exile remembers The piece is interesting because we're looking back at his past. He is humanoid (Or as the Wookiepedia calls it, Near Human), but his provenance is not clarified. The author offers a prize for figuring out which movie, and I for one think any one of the Superman origin movies if that character had other siblings. One short sleep past Vis-Et-Decus Post TSL on Katarr: So many questions answered The piece is excellent. Visas is an obvious possible love interest, and having him not even sure how to proceed with having a relationship with her is choice. In fact the only negatives I have are technical and mentioned below Technical note: As you yourself mentioned even the bacteria is dead, and by removing the natural bacteria inside the body, all the remains would face is weathering. You wouldn't have scattered bones even after five years or more. Bodies have been discovered in deserts were they have been mummified as much as a century or more before, and that is with the bacteria in the body still remaining. So it would be more like entering an area after a neutron bomb had gone off; no rubble, no bones, merely weathered corpses. Pick of the Week What? Revan's Split Personality Pre-KOTOR: Well, you could do it that way... The line above is a paraphrase from the old Black Adder Season two, where the main character had drunk something his servant made. After telling him this, Baldric the servant answers, 'Well you could drink it...' That being said, the story had me roaring with laughter, and that was just the first segment! She easily slipped past my main complaint, you know 'a long time ago...' by specifying being a character in an existing game. Her portrayal of the devil's 'emissary reminded me of something I have done over at lucasforums in a story entitled 'we need a hero(ine)' where the main character is so clueless that Loki creates verbally a book called 'dealing with dummies for dummies'. That being said, the idea of someone selling their soul for a chance to be one of the main characters in the game was outrageous! I know I say it sometimes, but I'll say it again with conviction, I WANT TO READ IT ALL! Pick of the Week Beyond Good and Evil Littlegeekpenguin Pre-Mandalorian Wars: They were not always friends... The story is well done, highlighting the constant 'doing this leads to the dark side' cant you see through both games. Having Malak and Revan in the middle of a practical joke war was highly amusing. I wish I could read all of it. Pick of the Week Meditations on Natural Philosophy Callalili Post TFU: Juno Eclipse is saved by an unexpected person The piece was very interesting. The question remains; who sent this ship into a sun? the Star Wars Project Kaboose the keybladebearer TFU One shot: A series of battles You need more description to hold the reader's interest. This is pretty much nothing but a series of scenes with no color, and almost no action. From the memoirs of the sarge Hashhana Pre-Clone Wars: One of the training officers of the Clones worries as any sergeant would The author is Polish, and since I can't write or speak a coherent sentence in that language, I will not ding the author on improper words, etc. The scene is reminiscent of the first Republic Commando book. The Sarge in that one is worried that the Kamino will decide to destroy his 'boys' anyway, even though they had allowed them to live. In fact the one episode of The Clone Wars TV show I didn't like was the one where the misshapen clone was allowed to grow to maturity; not because I have the same bent as those scientists, merely because except for showing that he could fight almost as well as his brothers, there was no logical reason for him to have survived that long. New Order Fever Dream Post TSL: Atton appears to have fallen back into his old ways, and this leaves Mical trying to clean up the mess. Some incorrect word usage. It is constituents, not constituencies. The author has a firm grasp of not only politics, but intelligence work as well. The finery the Senator has surrounded himself screams of Baksheesh, and his comment about what kind of Intelligence agent would be sent to Alderaan rather than a hot spot is spot on. I didn't have a chance to read further. But it was good up until the end of the chapter. Aeon The True Face of the Force Curse Pen Set during ROTS: An unaligned planet asks for help, or is that really what is happening? The only negative I have is that Vader is a bit to ready on the trigger when it comes to subordinates. The captain he killed only reported they had arrived, but his death can be linked to Vader's mood. The second officer killed might have been incompetent, but we didn't see enough of the battle to know for sure. If your own survival is only at the whim of a superior, you usually end up dithering. The piece at the start reminded me of the denigration you would expect from say a high council of the Roman Catholic Church in their regard of the Monastic Orders. But it quickly segued into what could easily be a plot to force Republic action in an unaligned system. Then it leaps a year or more into the future with Anakin now Darth Vader. A very interesting read so far. Transparent Aeryn Phoenix Pre TSL: Sequel to Seeing Double, The Exile returns to the Republic at Revan's behest The only thing that didn't make sense to me was that the younger twin had an obvious visible sign that she had lost the Force. Very well done so far, though as usual, I don't have the time to go back and read it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 Fanfiction.net The Sith Lords Redux Arutka2000 Improper word usage. Strait (Narrow) instead of straight (Upright), then you said the hyper was damage. Oh, and having the hyperdrive out, and over half the ship opened to space does not imply it isn't badly damaged. When a portion of a ship is destroyed, it puts stress on what remains. On a surface vessel, she'd already be sinking. Also, duracrete is the SW equivalent of concrete, so making a table of it aboard a ship doesn't quite jell. Remember conversation breaks, since it will confuse the readers otherwise. Technical note, Medical attention: If someone is bleeding badly, it is pretty obvious, so needing the computer to tell you he is, is like needing a diagnostic machine to tell when your radiator is blowing water through a hole, the steam shooting from under the hood is a dead give away. The rules of First Aid are; find and stop the bleeding, make sure they are breathing, and go from there. Also, while in the game a medpac is merely something you slap on a wound, it is more like a modern combat first aid kit. So it is not just going to expand over the wound to cover it, though there would be compresses inside to use for that. Technical note, Emergency procedures: Entering a restricted area would be like approaching a military base, not what is to all intents and purposes a commercial one. What the pilot is doing is more akin to entering a harbor without knowing it, and the Coast Guard would automatically notify you that there are 'rocks and shoals' you are sailing into. In the example I used, they would ask first the nature of your approach, and in this situation, Peragus approach control should have sent the latest asteroid drift chart. Also, the blast doors should have overrides that are accessible by the medical team. This would be needed in any case even on a military vessel so that damage control can enter sealed compartments to repair them. If the pressure is the same on both sides of the door, they should open automatically when that code is entered. One serious problem; how could they be passengers on a ship without even knowing the name of it? Luck Be a Smuggler Tonight Jen DeClan Pre KOTOR: Carth meets Revan for the first time This was a very interesting take on their first meeting; not as shipmates, but as two people yearning for some company. Having Revan follow him because he might check on her smuggling vessel was a cute touch, and having Trask there as a crewman who was a lightweight as a drinker give us a chance to see more of him. I only had time for the first chapter, but the scenes flowed well, and drinking everyone but Carth under the table was very amusing. Segueing from walking to sailing an interesting way to engage Carth in something that just about every modern Naval Academy does cute. I wish I could read on. Pick of the Week The Slow and Silent Fall Chryseis Dione Pre-KOTOR: The Dark Lady ponders all she has done, and justifies it in her own mind. The one thing I have always loathed about people is rationalizing why what you want is more important than anything else. The author highlights this masterfully in this work. It reminds me of a quote from Adolf Eichmann before his execution when he stated that jumping into the grave was nothing, since he'd sent almost six million Jew ahead of him. Pick of the Week The Stars Fever Dream Post TSL: As the Exile tries to find Revan, the one she seeks searches for the Sith One minor problem; you jumped from the Exile's situation to Revan's location without a break, causing a slight bit of confusion. The only real problem is mentioned below: The Chiss: Considering that according to Canon the Chiss were not contacted by the Republic until right before the Clone Wars 4,000 years later, this had me a bit confused. Also, if you read up on the race, they tend to not deal with alien races at all. Rather they determine how to deal with them after contact, and either go to war or practice complete banning of contact with them. The Ashes of Katarr Fever Dream 50 Years post TSL: Visas returns to her home world The piece is a sad and poignant view of the past for the sole survivor of the Jedi that we remember from the games; with the sole exception of Jolee. Looking back, and seeing the deaths of everyone we might have loved from the game. Returning home at the last was perfection. Pick of the Week Bastila's Undoing and Random Conspiracies Revan's Split Personality KOTOR enroute to the last Star Map: We finally got rid of Bastila! After having read one of RSP's works last week, I was sure I had a handle on the zany style. Guess again. Start with confiscating Bastila's romance novel, then the prim Jedi collapsing into a bundle of nerves at the thought of all the conspiracies around her, with scenes reminiscent of Grandpa Simpson seeing Death everywhere he looks. Add in the 'heroine' giving Bastila to Malak just to get rid of her, and talking about 'destroying' the Star Forge (With hand quotes every time she says the word). And just to make the first chapter a laugh riot, a plot to entirely destroy the romance genre because it is the fastest way to make the entire galaxy miserable. I did go back and read 'What' from last week all the way through, and while this is five chapters long, I may have to read it all the way though too! Pick of the Week Confusing Explanations Shadows Of the Storm TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile really does not want to explain her necklace The piece is actually a follow on to A Sticky Situation which I read and wished was longer. This piece is a lot longer, and I wish the author had extended the other story so I could enjoy it. Stupid Kid ForeverShoutNever KOTOR on Taris: There's always something... Remember to sight edit and polish, there were a number of times where you forgot to finish sentences, and it made it a confusing read. The start was fun with our Revan deciding to pretty much say enough. Then a classic romantic moment, until the kid interferes First Blood ForeverShoutNever TSL on Malachor V: Atton finally does what he's wanted to do The piece is an unrelieved dark, and the end fits the mood. Goodbye ForeverShoutNever KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan and Morgana join forces The piece needs polishing and editing to make it easier to read. The idea has been done before. The primary difference here is that it is Revan who is drawing the spirit forward. The One ForeverShoutNever TSL on Dantooine: After Atton's revelation, he didn't expect this The piece needs polishing and editing to make it easier to read. The most interesting part of the narrative is the idea that the Exile went along with the Jedi who went to war because she loved Revan. That even with him (according to Atton) pretty much doing anything in skirts during that time was all right because he always said his feelings for her were different than all of those other women. Also because while she loved him in the biblical sense, she was still waiting for, as the title states, the one. Star Wars: KOTOR Shadows of the Sith Logius Three Years post TSL: A new danger arises The piece is a first work, so I will be gentle. It primarily needs polishing, as the flow tends to be bumpy when you get to the dialogue. Polishing is actually easy, though it might sound hard, try this; when you come to a portion of dialogue, imagine a movie scene, and speak the dialogue aloud. When you do, and the scene progresses, you will notice where the words don't feel quite right. Now rewrite the segment, punching it up to make it flow better. The basic idea is interesting, as we know neither of the original heroes are still around to help. The points I considered most interesting is that we now have a provenance for how Jolee died, and that the new Jedi Academy's location is still a secret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 2, 2013 Author Share Posted November 2, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Sightless MsFicwriter TSL aboard Ravager: Visas looks back on the horrors of what happened to her world. The piece is a finally drawn out view of one woman's torment, and her witness of others in torment. The description of how the Force operates in Nihilus' hands was a bit startling, and the idea of a young girl surrounded by imploded bodies and seeing some go into that state shocking. His casual brutality in his treatment of her fits the character so well. The main negative I had is actually moot. I had considered that having a ship in the condition of the Ravager show up would have alarmed them, but then again, anyone in space that saw her would not have lived long enough to tell anyone on the ground before she made orbit. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Star-Wars: The Force Unleashed What If DarthBubbles SWTFU: What if Starkiller had actually turned to the light? The piece is an AU portion of what can arguably called an AU game. Starkiller, the main hero becoming a force of good rather than the evil apprentice. I only had time to read the first chapter that sets the author's entire premise up, but it is well written and compelling even then. The only snag was this... Why would someone trained by the Sith be surprised that his Master had lied to him? How to Save the Galaxy, Vol 1 Gwendolyn Rogan KOTOR With a twist: A riotous parody of the opening. The author's blurb said it was a parody, and I have seen a few, so I thought I would now what to expect. I Was wrong. In something reminiscent of the Harvard Lampoon's Bored Of the Rings, I was dumped into a swirling world where even the name of the ship has been changed to protect the innocent. The main character fights not only Sith, but the narration as well as he saves himself above all others. Sort of like the Movie George of the Jungle on steroids. If someone later gets in a fight with the narrator, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 19 chapters long, it is one I wish I could go back and read all the way through. Pick of the Week When I read this, I went to the profile, and checked. Oddly enough, while I started back at the beginning of the SW Game influenced stories, I didn't see the other two stories that preceded it. I thought they might have been in the Book section, but there is no book influenced section, so I am going back to read them for this review. At the Crossroads of Destiny and Time: The Hunted Gwendolyn Rogan Set between TESB and ROTJ on Coruscant: Looking for a bounty, Boba Fett found something else. Like the work reviewed above, this piece surprised me with it's quality. The scene portrayed is a tiny slice of life that hits at gut level, and now Fett has someone he has to look after, whether he likes it or not. 26 chapters long, and what I described is merely chapter one. Pick of the Week At the Crossroads of Destiny and Time: Untold Lies Gwendolyn Rogan Follow on to The Hunted set one month after it ended: The daughter finds she has the same problems her mother did. The only negative I have is that you forgot quotation marks. The work is as clean and crisp as the ones reviewed above. 16 chapters so far, well worth your time. Pick of the Week Precipice Amber Penglass TSL on Onderon: The memory of one act on Nar Shaddaa still bothers her The piece was surprising in that when you play, it is the Exile who changes the others around him or her. The more dark side you are, the more they are. Even more surprising, considering the entire crew you can possibly have, it is Atton who talks her back from her self imposed funk; the one person you could see glorying in the darkside yet again. The author asked for ideas. Have you read the books? Shiver Ashehole KOTOR after Leviathan: Carth has to decide about the relationship he has with Revan The piece is short, sweet, and hard hitting. The thoughts going through his mind are exactly what you would expect in this situation, and the way he deals with it in the end worth the read. Morale Visit to Vevut Squad Daennika Clone wars era: Bard'ika emerges The piece covers an interesting portion of a Jedi's life, when he takes up the Mando'a lifestyle in a dangerous situation. I wished I could read further, because the one character I really enjoyed in the Clone Wars series and movie was Asohka Go back Home thestrange-ladymalz Post KOTOR: Revan dreams of going home. But first she must complete her last mission and survive The piece is short and to the point. The woman is going through mental hell, but she has something to go back to. My only question, is with all of the commentary about the 'True Sith' we have seen (Mainly by inference) how is this something Revan had caused? Blind Love ForeverShoutNever TSL, no planet given: The Blind Exile wants desperately to see Atton's face As said before, you need to edit and clean the piece up. The Exile as a blind woman is an interesting twist. Academy-Days: an RGZ Archer Arashi21 production Arashi21 Pre-Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: The three main characters of the games as children Remember to sight edit, as you used several words that would pass a spell check even though they were incorrect. Lunges instead of lungs, hopped instead of hoped, that kind of thing. The piece is a bit of fun in a lot of ways, using the force to keep the food from running away, Malak (Still Alec at this point) asking Tal'si (The Exile) where she got it when she speaks of women's intuition, that kind of thing. All in all it's a stereotypical slice of three kid's life. Don't Leave Me Flooj9235 Post KOTOR: Revan tries to get away alone on her last quest, and fails The piece is a well done view of when Revan left the Republic. Unlike canon, Revan does not get away alone, and the comment that love will conquer all, is, as this old man knows, whistling in the dark. Happy Ever Afters Faelyn Leaf Post TSL: Two men who worshiped from afar discuss their obsession The piece is a bit introspective, and an interesting read. Having Atton swing both ways, and having him set his eyes on Dustil (Who seems to be obsessed over Revan) was a surprise. The primary thing that bothered me was the idea that Revan had used the same feminine wiles to control her troops. A woman cannot lead troops in battle unless she can prove she is as good if not better than those she leads. They can admire, even love her. But the instant someone gets into her pants, and those troops hear about it, she loses that. If you need another opinion in this regard, read the Anita Blake Series by Laurell K Hamilton. In Obsidian Butterfly, the main character is called in by an old friend as a specialist in preternatural crimes, and is dealing with a lot of cops who have not been working alongside her all this time. One comment the character makes in her musings is that she's dealing with a sudden (For her) emotional attraction toward one of these cops, and she shortstops it ruthlessly. As she pointed out, if you're the out of town expert on such crimes and have no other connection, they will try to work with you. But if you start dating one of them, you're demoted to girlfriend, and as such, have no reason or right to be involved in the eyes of the cops there, regardless of any skills you have. It's even worse in the military. Trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Eclipsed The Fico Set in TFU: Captain Juno Eclipse meets her new commander The intro section is tightly written, and the stage set well. Having Starkiller complain because of an upgrade doesn't make a lot of sense. He actually sound more like a petulant child whining because his parents moved his stuff around. But the piece does sound interesting enough to read further. Red and Silver Coils LilliaJohnson 7 years pre TSL to beginning of TSL: An old acquaintance is really not happy to see him again... You asked for a proper review, and as a critic, ask and you shall receive... There was one major typo (electricution is spelled electrocution), but on the whole it is a very nice piece of work for a first time. Having them meet previously was an interesting touch, if non-canon, but having her punch him at the end of chapter one was choice. It reminded me of the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Marion slaps Indy. Kissing The Lipless Jowx97 KOTOR aboard The Star Forge: The end wasn't really like the history books... The idea of a Revan-Malak love interest has been bandied about by a number of authors here in fanfiction but few have done it as well. My own Genesis of a Jedi comes to mind. The piece was very well done, and the dialogue what you'd expect from two people who once loved each other, and wish their relationship hadn't changed so drastically. In my own work, Malak does die, but my Revan shares a secret about the Force she believes no one else knows. Pick of the Week Right Where It Belongs K.L. Clarion KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Revan's past is revealed The piece was fun if a bit generic. That isn't a flame, it means you didn't put as much of your own into it, though the changes you did make (having her literally collapse when she reached the last memory, having it be Carth pounding on the hatch (It's not a door on a ship) that kind of thing. The only real negative I had was having her tell Canderous to prep the ship and not having him take it off on their arrival. Also (And this is the game design and not you) not having anyone man the other turret. Joke's On You, Kid Apathyisdeath TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton is just being himself... The piece was a bit of fun, with the usual acrimony between Atton and Mical. Having the Exile joke that Mical knew the Nar Shaddaa rules for Pazak was an interesting way to make Atton geek. One thing. On a ship like the Ebon Hawk, you would have a hydraulic system to raise and lower the ramp. Unless the ship had been badly damaged, why do you have her using a chain hoist? Broken Youth Revan Sama No specific time given, but probably set in the pre TSL: Kreia looks at the past, why Revan did what he did The piece starts out as if a storyteller is telling the story of what had happened, making the Jedi and Sith just opposite sides of the coin everyone fears. It ends with the relief that her student paved his own road to hell with his good intentions. First Ice Apathyisdeath TSL Various scenes: How the heart hardens The piece is a bit confusing at the start. The author is trying to portray how you feel when someone you care about dies, and how those you love just disappear. I Can Do Better Than That Unlock.Your.Heart Mandalorian War era: Morgana is just as stubborn as her husband to be The piece is interesting, in that the title is what you expect every child from a 'hick' town saying to themselves when they step out on their own for the first time. The primary negative I had with it was Carth deciding 'for her own good' to dump her because of the worsening war situation. There are two more, and it is due to his rank. A lieutenant commander would have his own quarters unless the military he belongs to is huge. This would also mean that by the time of KOTOR, he should have been a Rear Admiral at least. Remember that William 'Bull' Halsey was a rear admiral at the start of WWII, and a full Admiral (Four star) by the end of it, and that war only lasted four years in comparison to the Mandalorian Wars which lasted about sixteen. Also, a militia officer? This means he would have been serving locally rather than further afield until Telos actually entered the war themselves. The Lost Line SoTF Combination of post TSL and the Clone Wars: Revan's fleet arrives in time to stop a Separatist attack. Some problems, mainly technical, and they are addressed below. One problem I have consistently with the game in comparison to the movie canon is there is almost no technical improvements in the intervening 4,000 years. The old USS Monitor would get eaten alive by even a modern destroyer. Technical note, Temporal problems: You have ships from 4,000 years ago arriving now. As I pointed out in a review I did about three years ago, this is like having a fleet sent by Mesopotamia attacking a modern Carrier or Surface battle group. Or having the fleet (More modern, only 2500 years out of date) of Themistocles attacking that same modern battle group. When you can reach out and touch someone several hundred miles away, and kill them at that range, why be bothered by ship mounted siege engines and bows? Also Rishi was settled only 60 years before the battle of Yavin, so how would Carth even know it existed? That would suggest that the planet was discovered around the time of Mesopotamia yet no one even thought of going there afterward. If the human race of SW is anything like our own, it would have been settled within decades if not years. Technical note, Ship classes: Your own names for the other classes are all right, but the Star Destroyer Class didn't exist until the Empire. Also, remember there is a difference between type and class. The difference is a class is the actual run of ships using one design, such as the Iowa class battleships ( USS Iowa was commissioned in 1943). For example the USS Texas (Commissioned in 1914) was a New York Class battleship. But while the design and capabilities are different, both are battleship 'types'. There were some fun quirks. Sasha (Who I made a nascent Jedi in my own Genesis of a Jedi) back as an adopted Mando'a pilot. Dustil taking up the same life style, the manic HK unit that wants to try out a form of cooking called barbeque, all of that in the first chapter! The Unleashed Returns Willy the heartless Post TFU: Starkiller survives, and escapes The piece is well written, but there is one glaring flaw. Technical note, Tie Fighter: As mentioned by Ben Kenobi in the original Star Wars Movie, the class is a short ranged vessel, meaning it would not have the range to reach a planet or moon if it starts sitting in open interstellar space. It wasn't until a later design that they had hyper-light engines. The reason Vader survived in ANH was because his ship was left sitting in a system with 26 moons, three of which were inhabited (Including Yavin 4 where the Rebel Base was) where he could set down. What you've done is have a pilot from say WWII escaping off a modern aircraft carrier in the Indian Ocean and deciding to fly to San Francisco. Actually the part that bothered me most in TESB is Han with a damaged hyperdrive still reaching Bespin when leaving from Hoth, which is just as unrealistic. When You Were Young Apathyisdeath Pre Mandalorian Wars: What if they had met years before? An interesting take, which would make Bao-Dur a lot older than the girl who would later be the Exile. Both Trija and Mical are typical young kids. One minor thing: Blba trees: According to the wookiepedia, the trees have thorny branches and there are predatory slugs on the planet that eat birds that get caught and die in them. So climbing on them would be a risky venture. Adventures in Babysitting Apathyisdeath TSL On Dantooine: All right, now what do we do? Remember to sight edit. You left out the word voice in that cocky anywhere. One minor technical flaw. You say the ship is on Dantooine in the first paragraph, then say it's a Telosian Winter night. Considering that you have a baby (ala Moses) dumped in a river, I think it would have to be Dantooine. And where did the river come from? There is no river in the scenes of the Dantooine spaceport. Technical note Landing Pad: The two pads we see on Dantooine, the one at Khoonda and the other in the Jedi Enclave both have berms. The piece was kinda funny; none of the characters that deal with the child do kids that well, from Trija literally backing into a corner in shock to Mical not sure how to deal with Atton saying 'you have to accept responsibility' while he's holding a basket with the baby in it. Considering what I would mean if I was holding a baby and talking to a woman, I can just see what's going through Mical's mind... That last scene is reminiscent of the scene in Independence Day where the character Jimmy opens the box with the wedding ring (While kneeling mind) and is offering it to Will Smith's character, and another pilot walks in, sees the tableau, raises his hands as if to say 'I didn't see anything!' and walks back out without an explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 17, 2013 Author Share Posted November 17, 2013 Star Wars KOTOR 2: Heart Felt Lullaby Orion Matrix Post TSL: Brianna finally tells her Exile how she feels. One thing, remember to reread and edit. You used Cant (Song or chant) instead of can't (Unable) for example. I am glad other authors are putting more flesh onto the bones of the Echani race. I assume you used Japanese for their language, unless you're really good at merely making it up. If you want to seem my take on them, read my pre-Republic work over at lucasforums in the Coruscant Entertainment Center, and my two longer SW works here. The reason I said that was because yours fits right into mine. Well worth the read Pick of the Week Nothing to Offer Sou7h TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton can't see anyway to reach her Sorry, but the piece honestly depressed me. I am sixty, and back when I was still dating, I would have been Atton. Not because I was unworthy, but because I believed myself to be. Seeing him moping around like this is too reminiscent of that part of my life. Jedi Academy Arutka2000 One year after Jedi Academy 2: Remember conversation breaks. Part of the problem is you centered all of the test, and I actually went by the first time you forgot to use them because the text being centered was confusing. Think of a story as a river. Conversation is like small ripples in the water, but without conversation breaks, what you have is white water without meaning to. Remember to sight edit for grammar and how the sentence feels. You used your (Possessive) instead of you're (You are). And the dialogue was getting a bit flat. Try this; when you write the dialogue, try speaking it aloud. I know is sounds crazy, but something that might look fine on paper when being read will sound contrived or fake aloud. Breaking the new students by race made some sense, but a lot of the comments made read false. You can't always merely accept what is written in the Wookiepedia as fact. As an example, I wrote two SW novelizations, based on the KOTOR Books that have been posted on fanfiction Genesis of a Jedi (KOTOR) and Return From Exile (TSL) that have Echani characters. The only comment on race (In the KOTOR one) I received was based merely on what the Wookipedia has now seven or eight years after they were written, and that is conjecture since I have yet to read an EU book that makes those comments canon. But when I wrote them, there was absolutely nothing about them beyond the game references to the weapons you can pick up. So what I did was create my own version of the race, dividing them into Dark and Light, meaning skin and hair colors, so my Revan was redheaded with olive skin, while Atris and the Handmaidens are Light, with white or ash blonde hair and pale complexions. As an example of how it is skewed, it states that Kiffu (The planet Kiffer live on) was annexed by the Empire 3500 years earlier, while the Empire only existed for about twenty years before ANH. The Imperial hyperlink then goes to the Old Sith Empire, which is like blaming the nations of modern Central and South America for the Meso American Religions. On the whole the basic idea is interesting. ipod Shuffle Knights of the Old Republic style Oh Great Sarcastic One First chapter set in TSL on Malachor V: A series of song-fics of the people in KOTOR remember to sight edit. Near the end you used though instead of thought for example. I have never heard this song, but I can understand the longing your Lord Sion has. I used the same attitude when I had the final confrontation between Sion and my Exile in Return From Exile. Random Star Wars Spoof XXBladeTheHedgehogXX The piece blindsided me. Having Vader say, 'I did your mom' or having to explain what a father is was bad enough. But using Eddie Izzard's Death Star Canteen? I don't care what the author said, this was choice! Pick of the Week I'd Come For You Bk109 Set in Republic Commandos: Etain is kidnapped, and Dar has to rise from his sickbed to go to the rescue I read the reviews, and the guest who commented said a lot of what I would have said here. The comment about songfics was completely valid; if the story is almost as short as the song, it is a problem. Leaving out whole sections of information as you did consistently is a bigger one. If a reader has to go back and reread constantly, they don't have time to enjoy what is there. Some of the best work I have seen has been something tossed together on the fly; Isaac Asimov wrote a story in twenty minutes once titled 'Some Assembly Required' because he was on a panel or authors, and was asked to do it which was choice. For that matter the previous author in this review did one that took about two minutes that cracked me up. The days of exile Setrus Pre TSL: A brief snippet of her life Waking up in a bar you don't even remember entering is bad. The piece is disjointed, but since the character is drunk, that is no surprise. The primary problem I had with the piece is that I cannot picture this person redeeming herself in any way, since she has already given up. Knights long forgotten Spartan492 KOTOR AU: An exiled fleet returns in time to fight a second battle of Taris Remember to sight edit because you used the wrong words several times. Being exiled because of a senator rather than the senate, that kind of thing. The basics are interesting. Unlike a lot of others, you did take notice of the fact that since this fleet had sailed away almost a millennia ago, their weapons and defenses are not equal to facing more modern warships. However even under the fiercest combat conditions, you would have some survivors, but in this case, any that did landed on Taris; sort of like the old joke about being lucky enough to survive the sinking of the Titanic, but you were rescued and brought aboard Lusitania. However I cannot see the Jedi literally throwing away one entire sect of the order because the Senate doesn't like having them around, and there should be records of what happened to them then in either case. There is an ancient story alluded to by Andre Norton in one of her books where the Roman Senate became incensed with one Legion commander and his men. They ordered him to march them East until they could return from the West. Catch Me ForeverShoutNever No specific time somewhere around KOTOR: What you have to do, is let go Having Atton have a sister is logical in a way, but the dialogue and setting (Outside the room of a thousand fountains) and what occurs does not. What you have is similar to having a WWII Nazi General, discussing the actions of one of his Totenkopf troops with his sibling set in the Capital Building in Washington. If that seems to be a stretch, remember the fictional character Howard W Campbell Jr, in Slaughterhouse 5 and Mother Night, an American spy working for Army Intelligence, who lived inside Nazi Germany, made propaganda broadcasts for the Nazis, and rose to the rank of General in a military formation he tried to create, the American Free Corps. Yet Vonnegut dedicated the book to a man of that name which begs the question; did he really exist? Hush Thesummerstorms Post KOTOR: Dreams are still open to the nightmare During the story, I was unsure. The author said it is a Revan-Canderous story, but I didn't see that in it. The ending of the first chapter left me confused. Was it the other persona being tormented? Was it Carth and she was inside the body while it happened? Is she now of the dark side or is it just a nightmare of her past? Knights of the Old Republic: The Way of the Sith Jack Of The Blades Pre-KOTOR in the Unknown Region: Revan is ambushed in more ways than one Always remember to reread and sight edit, and pay attention to your spellchecker! You used specimin when you meant specimen, and phandom when you meant phantom. You also used humanoid in referring to Malak, but the term means 'shaped in a human form'. A Twi-Lek is a humanoid. Technical Note, Battle meditation: The way you describe the effect is way out of proportion to what the wookiepedia describes. The skill bolsters the morale of your forces, and degrades those of your enemy, but no matter how good the one using it is, it would not cause such an immediate collapse. How badly they would be affected depends on a lot of things. Let's look at units in reality, and I will show you what I mean: Green. A green unit is brand new. They have had adequate training, have all the proper weapons, a relatively competent command structure, but they have never faced combat. If you watch the North African portion of the Movie the Big Red One, they land in Morocco, in what is almost an administrative landing; I.E. you are going through the motions as if it were an exercise, and the possible enemy on the beach is there like the Red Force in such an exercise. The French surrendered (In the movie at least) without really testing how well trained the Americans were. If your Sith forces had never faced combat, this is where they would be, stumbling over procedure, unsure of what they are supposed to do, and generally sloppy. Average: An Average unit is a little more polished. They have had some combat experience, and are now sure of their command structure, but they still have not faced a serious enemy with a lot of experience. At the Battle of Kasserine Pass (Three months later) The same force described above, still relatively untried, broke and ran when the Germans launched an offensive. Veteran: A Veteran unit is competent in combat. They have as the old Civil War saying goes, seen the elephant, and know what combat has in store for them. When the US fought (And lost) the Battle of Savo Island in November of 1942, you had a mix of Green and average fleet officers facing a Veteran team of Japanese officers. The Japanese units had never operated together before, they had seen combat, but never as a unit, yet seamlessly joined, struck and retreated leaving the Allied force (British, American and Australian in disarray. Battle Hardened: A Battle Hardened or Elite unit is the worst enemy to face. They have not only fought, they have fought long and hard and in some cases, have been reconstituted many times, so everyone slots into position like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. The German army in 1945 was at this stage. Been there, done that, didn't even bother to get the T shirt. They didn't lose because they weren't good at their jobs, they lost because everything behind them broke down. Now this list I have made is not the be all and end all, because any military unit takes casualties, and you have to occasionally withdraw them to bring them back up to strength. Except for the US Army(for reasons never adequately explained) this means actually pulling them far enough back that they are not under attack or soon to be, bring in fresh (Green to average) troops to fill the ranks, make sure the newbies are up to speed, then send them back into combat. This makes the unit less efficient, but since the core of it is still at the same level as before, and the new men have them to lean on, they learn quicker. The perfect example is Operation Market Garden when the Allies used Paratroops to capture three key points along the main roadway from Belgium to the Rhine. While intelligence reports said the defenders were in disarray and could be pushed through easily, this was not the case. However the Germans were given 13 days to reorganize, and while the units were below strength, all of them were veteran. Part of the problem was the fact that Abwehr, German Military Intelligence, had captured agents dropped into Holland almost immediately. Using the suborned agents, they were able to take over pretty much all of the intelligence received from Holland, making the British assume the ones transmitting the real data were actually working for the Nazis. Cornelius Ryan in his book A Bridge Too Far commented that when a recently captured agent transmitted his 'I've been captured' code, the reply from England was 'Come on, you haven't been captured that quickly'. When the British finally realized what had happened, the Abwehr then sent a smarmy reply about how they have been doing business together for years, and now you don't want to continue? So actual reports from real agents still trying to warn them were ignored. The fact that four Field Marshalls and their units were all in the operational area were ignored. My favorite comment in the book was after the Allies were mired trying to force their men up one road, and had finally passed through Nijmegen, a Dutch officer entered the British officer's mess, then commented that if they had been students in the Dutch Military Academy, they would have all flunked out. The Dutch had used the passage from Nijmegen to Arnhem for decades as a war game scenario, and he enumerated everything their experience had taught them. Everything, in other words, that the British had done wrong. So what you describe is a group of what I would define as average to battle hardened (The Sith units are average, the ex-Republic forces Veteran to Battle hardened) facing a force that is primarily average, but with battle meditation on it's side. The skill can make them more efficient; I.E. have the average excel to Veteran level, but it is not going to turn battle hardened troops into morons. The Sith units would be fumbling around like this, but you don't end up on the flagship of a fleet by being an amiable moron. The best men you have go there. What battle meditation does initially is level the playing field, and as the battle goes on (The ones supported feel more confident, now because they are doing so well, and their enemy feels more despondent because they are now losing) it would have a greater effect. But starting off the instant it is used would not happen, no matter how powerful the Jedi using it is. Knights-of-the-Old-Republic III” The Sith Unleashed[/url LordTrayus One thousand years before KOTOR: A Sith Master take the throne from the old emperor. Very nicely done. The start was a bit rough. The first three phrases nicely set the scene, but didn't scan well. And having your Sith Lord be dead, yet still walking about was a bit of a stretch. The action scenes were nice and crisp, but there was a flaw I have not yet mentioned which is addressed below. Twin double-sabers?: The average double-saber body looks to be about a foot long, and the blades when engaged reach for over six feet. Using one, as I mentioned in my own Genesis of a Jedi requires a lot of fine muscle control to avoid cutting yourself with the blades. One scene in the Jedi Academy II game I always enjoyed was having my Jaden Korr shut it down, and as her hand moved to put it away, one of the blades would always slice through her arm as she did. For this to work in practice, you would have to make the blades a lot shorter. In fact the only length that would work without turning yourself into sliced and diced meat would have to be if the actual blades and handle are about the length of the average cheerleader's baton. Try 28 inches, meaning two blades that are each only eight inches in length. That makes it a light knife, not a light saber. The problem is that the only advantage Darth Phobas has in reality is that her weapon is something not faced that often; like the combined single-double design used by Asajj Ventress in the Clone Wars movie and series. But in a real fight between someone using say the Japanese katana or Wakizashi (Between 42” and 28” blades), it might not work as well. All the man with the longer weapon needs to do is maintain the standoff distance. For Darth Phobas, you have to break through a defense in depth to get up close and personal. This is not a negative. The negative is you took a fight worthy of three or four pages and reduced it to a few paragraphs. A perfect example was a cartoon done by Vaughn Bode (Born July 1941, died July 1975) where you have a duel. (I found it on a web site; put in Vaughn Bode Da Duel to see it for yourself)One man, obviously a general, is offered a submachine gun and full clip of ammo, and his opponent (Who looked like the average grunt) is given a brick. They march off the usual ten paces, then the scene shifts so you're not watching, only listening. There's the usual 'Budda budda' sound comics use for a machine gun followed by the word 'throw' followed by more firing, then 'thud'. So it leaves you wondering who won. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 A Good Man Chevron 7 Locke No specific era or location given: A Sith hopeful makes a choice The piece is interesting in three ways. First, the idea that someone was going to get away with claiming to be a higher station (His master claiming to be the Emperor's Voice) That he was allowed to not take his revenge, letting the Council he was before to do it instead, and lastly, that an act of what might be called mercy went unnoticed. As Vette said, there is always that one point where you stop being a good man, and become a bad one. While I don't agree with the 'Strike me down and your fall is complete' attitude, it is well portrayed here. He doesn't take that last step. Too often, people who write from the Sith viewpoint make them as monstrous as possible. It is like the old war movies where every soldier for the other side routinely commits atrocities because as Igor says in Van Helsing; 'It's what I do'. But no society can be fully atrocious, or few would live there. That was why the Berlin Wall originally went up. Compared to even Nazi Germany, a lot of people would have rather died than live under Communist rule. That was also why the wall came down, because after trying and failing, the people said enough. All within 28 years if you start when the wall went up, 71 if you count from when the Communists took over Russia. So I applaud a slightly gentler form of the Sith portrayed here. Pick of the Week Memento Knight Watcher KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The writing is confusing from the start. You left out some words. As an example Leviathan was the cause of (the) hyperspace cut off. The exterior battle is confusing because while the assault shuttles breakthrough the snub fighters sights makes sense, it is confusing to a reader. It would have been better to say that since Leviathan had more fighters, the Republic fighters were too busy to stop the shuttles from breaking through. Then paragraph three seems to go back to when Revan was captured, since there is no way the Sith would know he or she was aboard the Endar Spire. It should be moved down to the section where you have Bastila boarding Revan's ship. The section where she spends a week as a captive was even more confusing because you have her remembering what had happened to Revan in the middle without a break to explain to the reader that the scene has shifted. It might be, as I have noticed, that the fanfiction site removes most usual ways a writer might make such a division, but there is no space where such might have been. Technical note Ship classes: Leviathan is described in the canon as a cruiser. While her armament is greater than her opponent, it is not the difference you describe. The best description in history that comes to mind would be if USS Olympia, the flagship of the American Asiatic Fleet at the Battle of Manila bay with her modern 20cm guns and armor had fought one on one with the Spanish flagship Riena Christina 16 cm guns and no armor. Technical note boarding actions: In a space to space battle, while your marines will be ready to assault board at the airlocks and landing bays, it will not be your main thrust. If you read my own Return from Exile, you will note that to stop the HK50 unit from following her, my exile jammed open the exterior door of the airlock. The way an airlock works is you equalize the pressure between the lock and the exterior, open it, close the door, and then equalize the airlock with the interior. If either door is jammed open, you are unable to move the hatch. In the case of HK above, he's dealing with a lot of pressure. 14.7 lbs, or about 65.4 N per square inch. Measure the door to your room, multiply it's height by it's width in inches, then multiply by 14.7. The result is the amount of weight you are trying to move by hand. But both landing bays and airlocks have another problem for an attacker. They are chokepoints or killing fields. Either the enemy has to enter on a narrow front, or they are in the open and can be attacked from everywhere around them. While they used this in ROTS when Anakin and Obi-Wan boarded the enemy flagship, the primary reason it worked was the writers were on their side. The bays should have been closed, or enough security to deal with an assault boarding should have been there. In ANH they used the airlock, but as I pointed out in an article back in April 2006 over at Lucasforums LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre #11 Boarding Actions; The Few, the Proud; the assault didn't hit just that one airlock. The advantage they had was that they had boarding tubes attached to the lock, so the pressure is equalized. The hatch was blown to stun and confuse the enemy when they boarded. Again, referring to my Return From Exile, you will note that she boarded the enemy ship by instead ramming then blowing off the armored cap on her bow, allowing her men to board where ever they could find enough space to ram in. While it has the idea that you can choose where to hit, it does have a flaw, it's not like you have bow caps up the wazoo when you go on to your next target. In the Tenchi Muyo GXP series the pirate used the second option, ramming in, but having the assault ship seal itself to the hull, and then open a ramp or tube. But one of the best I have seen is a scene in the Book Honor of the Queen By David Weber where it's the Marines who designed the equipment. They used emergency portable airlocks (Nothing more than a very heavy duty plastic bundle with a basic airlock built into it. You plant the breaching charge, marking an area large enough for a man in powered armor to pass through without too much difficulty, seal the portable lock around it, then trigger the charge. It blows into the ship, and the escaping air fills the airlock you have attached. You then send your men through it, and they are now in the ship and most of the air is still there. My suggestions are as follows; first, sight edit and reread to make sure you didn't forget words. This is not a major ding, as I sometimes will do the same when a story is flowing well. As you do, polish the scenes. The mention above about the fighters is an example. Picture a story as a section of a river, and what you want the reader to do is merely float along watching the scenery. You have it so choppy, it's more like rapids. Again, I sometimes do this. Last, experiment until you can find a way to break the scenes that the site doesn't remove. I am still doing this, but patience is a virtue. Advent-of-Destiny TheHiddenAssassin During the Clone Wars: If it's not one thing... On the whole, you did good work, but there are technical problems. Technical note, passage of time: Why jump 4,000 years? While Revan assumed he would be doing it alone, why would he also assume the Jedi (Or Sith) would not reconstitute in four millennia? I am not the only writer who suggested that either Order had been badly wounded and believed destroyed several times. Then you start off the segment after Geonosis saying 11 years have passed, but Canderous reflects on only eight. Technical note, Corellia isn't strategic?: You know the old Real Estate comment about value, Location, Location, Location? In trade, this is not only true, but it is a reason for fighting if one nation blocks it. As an example, the Axis powers (And the Central powers before them) were blocked by sea because England held Gibraltar and the Suez Canal. The same was true in the Baltic before 1907 where the German High Seas Fleet Kaiser Wilhelm had built would have had to thread the Skaggerak to reach the North Sea, meaning that the blockade could start at that choke point. To avoid it, the Germans used the old Eider Canal, and expanded it into what is now known as the Kiel Canal. This allowed everything except the larger warships to pass through directly into the North Sea saving 460 kilometers distance. In 1907 the Imperial government widened it enough to allow even the largest battleship of the day to use it. But that still meant the Germans had to face the British Grand Fleet to break out of the North Sea, yet another choke point. The Battle of Jutland (Which is still debated to this day as to who won it) was because both fleets came up with the same plan. Once the British knew the German fleet had sailed, they wanted to nip in, draw off a portion of it, lure it into an ambush and smash it. The German plan was exactly the same. They both got what they wanted, in a way. The German Battlecruiser squadron lured the British Battlecruiser squadron into range of the full fleet, and they promptly ran away with the entire German fleet chasing them, managing to lure that fleet into proximity of the British Grand fleet. In the running battle from first shot until darkness ended it, 25 ships were lost, and 8600 men died. Technical Note, going home: From what I saw of the Clone Wars series, I don't know exactly how happy he would be. Think of a man from Frederick the Great's time suddenly seeing the modern day German Army. You have a military in Germany now where noncoms have little recourse to discipline, and a draft system where the person drafted can opt for what is called a 'social year' instead of uniformed service, serving instead in the hospital system for that year. Manda'lor is not only a neutral, Satine (Whom ObiWan knows) makes her nation sound like the modern Japan or maybe Sweden in their dialogue. No man's land[/url The Red Feather Post TSL: A break for memories The piece is short, but on the whole I liked it. There is always that moment for a soldier where they have time to reflect. Thrall Her Silent Wings KOTOR Vignettes: She's a hard habit to break Seen through the eyes of the closest followers during the two wars, and her old teacher, each comments that Revan is like a drug that addicts you. Bastila of all I think seems to see her through the darkest glass, as in her opinion, the last battle with Malak is more vengeance than necessity. Peek A Boo Rae-Vann Chan KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: You just had to be there The piece started off amusing, went to zany, then to the point where you wish the parents would come in to break up the fight. It is written oddly, the actual end being followed by the beginning, but how she ended up playing peeek a boo with the gizka is fun, and the first part suddenly not only makes sense, but is even funnier. She blames it all on the coffee, and her falling asleep in mid-sentence was a riot because of her musing about how it ended up here. As a pot a day man (One of those twelve cup ones, drunk in a pint coffee cup) I can understand why you want to blame the caffeine. Having her throw things and not even bother to find out what it is before she does is choice, especially the blaster almost killing Mission. Pick of the Week What Revan REALLY did after KOTOR DarkWarr Post KOTOR: Why did the invasion wait for so long? The piece was interesting. Regardless of the author's plaints that it is only a rough draft, I saw little that needed editing. That is because no matter how good an artist is, they can always see the tiny flaws, even though no one else does. Having Revan running around like a one man liberation army is an interesting way to start it too. Had time for only one chapter. But since there are only two, I may have to sneak back and read the other... Pick of the Week K2: Shades of What Might Have Been Jen DeClan TSL AU: The Exile rescues an old friend we all know The piece is interesting in where it starts, the Exile suddenly hearing Visas screaming for help as her planet dies. The one odd note was Gunner consistently cursing without swear words. It sounds like he was raised by Maiden aunts. I'm surprised he didn't say 'sugar' instead of the four letter word. One flaw, at least to me, aboard ships, you do not have the regular names you're used to as a landsman. Check out my article over at Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. My main interest; what did Carth do in the intervening time that was so bad they'd literally expunged his record? Even Benjamin Arnold has exploits recorded before his attempt to give West Point to the British. Ashes of Redemption DestinyOfAshes Ten years post KOTOR AU: Bastila seeks Revan, but doesn't realize what she faces Remember to sight edit. As an example, you used loosing instead of losing, which is what the context of the sentence implied. You had the officer making an accurate determination of Bastila's age, but how? You had stated before that he had seen few humans, and it is experience that tells you the age of something. A person who had never seen a kitten would know it was a child because of the way it acts, but when it reaches maturity, a cat still acts a lot of the time like it did as a kitten. It isn't until they reach their first heat (As a female) or starts spraying, that you would notice the difference. If you see an animal rarely (Think of dolphin or say a tiger) you would recognize the difference between child and adult mainly by size I.E. a kitten is small and clumsy, an adult cat instead gives you that 'I meant to do that' look when it does something stupid. The perfect example in in the Movie League of Extraordinary Gentlemen where Quartermain meets the Siberian tiger. He (As a big game hunter with a lot of experience) recognizes it is not only an adult, but an old one, perhaps looking for a final confrontation; something the rest (Except for perhaps Nemo and Sawyer) might not have recognized. So he would have known she was an adult human female, but not a lot else. At the end of chapter one you realize this is the case when the alien 'child' speaks telepathically with a mental voice that sounds more like an old man. While good, you are describing more like the post war chaos of the middle ages, and one thing that is always curtailed during such periods are such things as passenger transport. After all, a ship owner is not going to want to risk valuable assets (Ship and crew) on transporting what sounds like a Viking horde merely enroute to their next raid no matter what they are paying. During such chaos, only the rich can really afford to travel unless necessity (As in fleeing such a horde) and that would be limited, but still operational. The ending actually saved it from being mediocre, because now I wish I could read further. A Dance For You BananaLollipop7 TSL on Nar Shaddaa” It's only when she dances that he realizes First, I have an apology to the Author for the previous reviews. When I posted your previous works, I added 17, not 7. Sorry, my bad. The piece was not only amusing, it was fun. The one thing that has always bothered me about the SW universe was the idea that a giant hermaphroditic slug would be turned on by humanoid dancers. When they originally shot the scene where Jabba and Han have it out in the docking bay in ANH, they used a man, and if you think of it that way, Hutt might have been merely a national name, like having an American arguing with a Czech. When I first saw the scene in ROTJ where Jabba was watching the first dancer, I was reminded of an old story I read back in the late 60s; an alien race has been reading our science fiction, (where aliens stealing then raping women was not always the norm, but happened often enough) and decide to test it by abducting a pair of people off a street. The one who is in charge of the experiment reads an excerpt where the alien who has a chitinous exoskeleton is holding the quivering captive woman, commenting that his own slimy skin might not have the same affect, and of course the woman is not only terrified, but disgusted. Part of it I really liked was how the scientist was himself disgusted because she didn't have the proper physical equipment for him to carry through. So what they know about human sexuality is still nil. So they return them to Earth, and the pair not only remember, but are so relieved by their escape that they run off to do the nasty. It is at this point that the scientist happens to look in and see them, but before he can tell his superiors, the ship warps out. As for your concentration; remember that dance originally started as a mating ritual, then into a prayer to the gods; as if 'I am going to seduce the god into giving me what I want'. So having him watching her with a lusting eye is just two people going through what leads to what is called the Oldest Dance. That last line pretty much was the cherry on top. Pick of the Week Thoughts on a Scoundrel Horatiosbabymama Post TSL: During a battle, her thoughts are of Atton While I did read the Avatar, it wasn't until the end that I realized how deeply the author feels it; saying the sex of the Exile is ours to choose. The piece was actually pretty good, even if written at a late hour. Pick of the Week Star Wars: Jedi's Return Talcyon Several Years ABY AU: Some Jedi hopefuls are delivered to their training facility. Remember to sight edit. You forgot the possessive, as in ship's hull, then used they're instead of their followed by picking sleep out of there (Again, should be their) eyes. As for the selection process, considering you have a group of survivors winging it, there is no negative to be had. In the books where Luke is reconstituting the order, he's alone, so it's like any 'wise man' situation where you honestly don't have anyone else to trust. In Jedi Academy II the method you used was what Luke was using because now he has other people to help train them. As for grammar, I mentioned it because if you look at other reviews I have posted (The entire set is at Lucasforums under the Critic's two cents) I treat this as if I were a teacher, and you the student. To repeat a comment I made months ago to another author here; to quote Elizabeth Moon from her book Change of Command when talking about making bread, 'you don't get good by making a loaf of bread, you get good by making a lot of bread'. It's the same with writing. To get better, you do a lot of writing. It's a pity it is so short, only three small chapters. An even bigger pity that it hasn't been updated in four years, because it was frankly pretty good on the whole. Red Snow Dalovecat Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Three refugee siblings are rescued. Who would know who they are without the author telling us? The piece is well done, the scenery stark and unrelieved. The only thing missing would have been for them to motion to a dead body to explain what they are doing in the middle of nowhere alone. Or the wreckage of a house. Making the three characters all siblings was an odd touch, and having the one boy either a mute or unwilling to talk an interesting touch. As much as we the readers might be glad they have been rescued, Revan's retort is logical. All he sees happening is they might be going to yet another hell. Especially when Kreia suggests that Dantooine might be too hot for them. 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machievelli Posted November 25, 2013 Author Share Posted November 25, 2013 Started a new story in the same Honorverse this last week over at fanfiction. So if you like spy stuff, especially putting the entire puzzle together, read Zakal: Stories from Within the Institute. And for you guys here at Lucasforums, a Whatever Prize for the first person who can tell me which modern Intelligence agency is called that. No reading the story first! That would be cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 30, 2013 Author Share Posted November 30, 2013 Twin Sunset NorthwestMarmot Tatooine some time ABY: An Imperial Moff has his own mission The only negative is that unless the Moff had a reason that would please the Emperor and Vader, he wouldn't have gone into another sector to carry out his own mission. As an example, it would be the equivalent of the Chief of the Oklahoma City FBI office deciding to fly to Houston on information only he has, and will not explain to either the Houston Field office, or the Director. Your Moff is also a little too Anal retentive to have survived. He's directing not only what will be deployed, but is controlling the action on the ground. Most Naval officers after the Napoleonic Wars were not this hands on. Beyond that, it's not too bad. Chrysalis Knight Watcher TSL on Peragus: The Exile works to make the escape The piece stayed nowhere near the dialogue which is a good thing, but it was confusing because the section when she was talking to Kreia has no way to tell. Because of that I thought originally it was a more eloquent Atton. I did like the idea that the flirting was not only two way, but started almost from the moment they met. A new beginning Setrus Dantooine: When the Exile left them alone, her followers first brood, then get back together The idea that the Exile literally gave them no warning she was leaving bothered me. There are in the characters too many unresolved issues that can kill the new order faster than the Sith could. In my own Return From Exile when Kreia tells her of the future, she says she said that the Exile would stay only long enough to set the new order on the path she had created in their travels. I like Mira's sarcastic view of Bao Dur being called master. Then again, I was raised on the old Isaac Asimov stories where the original robots were required to call humans master, and it should be noticed that when speaking to their owner (C3P0 for example talking to Luke, or HK talking with either of his two owners in the Games) the same rule seems to apply. KOTOR Quotes 6tailedninja Both KOTOR games: The title says it all There were some that were funny, and others that were not. Read it and you decide. Painful Memories Shadows Of The Storm TSL aboard Ebon Hawk after Peragus: The Exile is forced to remember the second worst day of her life and ends with her third The piece was interesting because it spans three planets, and the one thing that links them together is her own lightsaber. I almost expected Bao Dur to say she had been working on it in a fugue. From-the-End-a-New-Beginning Dailaryo Pre Mandalorian Wars to Post TSL: The adventures of the Ebon Hawk are just beginning The only negative I have is my reaction to the way Revan acts as a young boy. It's not like he isn't acting like a boy of about fourteen or fifteen, it's the fact that considering the Jedi appear to be more of a monastic order, his arrogance. Examine the training in a Jesuit school. Or the training a young boy receives in a Buddhist Monastary. A monk is trained to channel and focus his mind on what he is learning. Look at the class being taught by Yoda in Attack of the Clones; you might have some wild kids in it in reality, but they have learned to be disciplined in thought and deed. The children are not yet Padawan, and they would have had any wildness tempered out of them before they ever attain the rank. Anakin avoided it, because he was chosen as a Padawan so young. And his actions as a Padawan are reckless and headstrong. I would suggest watching the pilot episode of the old TV show Kung Fu on Youtube. Concentrate not on the learning how to fight, because to the Monks, especially the Shaolin, that is merely another form of the discipline they learn, teaching them to be disciplined in heart mind and body. Sire of the Sith Cptmeatman End of KOTOR to End of TSL: Two different Jedi set out, one following the other Remember to sight edit and polish. The piece is stilted. The intro chapter was interesting, though having Revan stalk off like a jilted lover was a bit much. Star Wars: The True Jedi Death To Spam TFU At the start: Vader finds the boy who will later be known as Starkiller The first chapter is stilted, and needs sight editing. For some reason there are serious spelling errors suggesting that if you have a spellchecker program, you ignored it. The piece is confusing to me because since my computer will not play TFU, I only know the basic premise, but have seen the intro ad for it. The problem mentioned above made it hard for me to read. If I had held the typed pages in my hand, I would have been reaching for the red pen to mark where it went wrong from an editor’s point of view, which would have kept me from enjoying it. Unlikely Lover Auralee KOTOR Through the Star Forge: Sometimes, you just have to shove them together The piece was well written, and as much as the author though they would be OOC, it's only because you can't see either one actually saying what they did. But that isn't surprising to me. You see, in a warrior society such as the Mandalorians, you have two faces. One is the usual you see when they are facing someone who is not part of it. The perfect example in the interaction between the main character and his captors in the Last Jedi, where he is an outsider they just have to deal with. The second is when he actively joins them in their last battle. You do see some mixing when Algren is facing Ujio in practice. When he's beaten the second time, Nobutada extends the same teaching he might have given his nephews when they began serious training. Then again before the last battle where Ujio sees him in the armor, walks over, and tugs it to test how well it was fastened, then nods. For that dour man, it was the height of acceptance. For Bastila it is worse because while Canderous could relieve sexual tension before by merely doing something about it, she has spent (In my version) fourteen years of her life being told not to make emotional attachments, yet as Aliana (Later Revan) told her, compassion is also part of love; you have to love what you protect. Didn't have time to read the second chapter, but if it is as good as the first, you're in for a treat. Pick of the Week, Best of the Week Discussions and Decisions Shadows Of The Storm During the Mandalorian Wars: Revan suggests a bold stroke, but at what cost? Remember to sight edit. As an example you used thing when you meant think. As a layout for the final battle to her friends, it was interesting. Revan may have come up with the plan, but she doesn't realize what might be lost at the end. No Longer Revan Auralee KOTOR enroute to Manaan: Having been told who she is, Revan struggles not only with her past, but her feelings for Carth I hate to say it after the last. The piece is good, but a bit generic. That isn't a completely negative comment; until you hire Arnold for Last Action Hero, or Eddie Murphy for Beverly Hills Cop it's the same very generic plot line. By having BHC be a serious movie, but Murphy allowed to play segments in comedic style, it brings depth to the character. And like Stallone, Arnold using a flat dead pan perfectly straight style, making some lines even funnier. Kotor alternate story kotor1and2 KOTOR AU: What if Revan had not been displaced The author is British, but I believe was young when this was written. I say that because there are so many errors. One, not checking grammar, two, leaving out conversation breaks, three I used as a personal noun is always capitalized. Remember as much as any writer might enjoy the act itself, it's a social exercise. You have to make it easy for your reader to follow, which is why you have the conversation breaks. When you use the wrong word as in grammar, it is like hitting a bump in the road. Make the flow smooth, and people will lose themselves in it. Don't take the criticism to heart; my first story at age 11 was written on what I had available, which was discarded computer cards (I mean the paper kind; yes, I am that old) and was so bad, that I shudder to think it might still exist out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 7, 2013 Author Share Posted December 7, 2013 Return to the Enclave BridgetO'Malley Post TSL on Dantooine: A Jedi returns to the Enclave The piece has two problems. First, it is very short, and unfinished. We know (Though have no hard numbers) that there were Jedi still surviving from the old order at the end of TSL, but according to Kreia (if you actually asked her about the future) that the ones in her crew were the only important ones. I have no problem with someone of that old order showing up to decide to take the new one over; merely the timing of it. Technical note, Dantooine now: In KOTOR, there was only two actual landing pads we saw, one inside the Enclave, the other the freighter that had landed on the Sanderal house. According to canon, Khoonda was the old Matale residence. But that means the pad we see in TSL was newly created, so unless he had visited during the interim, this arriving Jedi would have never seen it. It was good as far as I read, though a Jedi who specializes in visions not being patient is a bad combination. Just look at Anakin and the one vision he did have. Holo Mistakes Shadows Of The Storm Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Ain't love grand? The piece is what you'd expect out of a girl infatuated by her teacher, but feeling ignored. Snatching something out of his room just to hold onto, then grabbing a chip of him that I only hope was actually him in the nude to the fan girls. Hang Me in the Morning Before I See the Sun Elwin Ransom Almost 500 years after the Original KOTOR Games: An Historian finds a diary The piece is interesting in the same way the old Alec Guinness movie Kind Hearts and Coronets was fun. Here we have a man trapped in a cell, writing his memoirs of his deeds, with only two people he has contact with, one of whom would destroy the work if he saw it, the other requiring him to write it while being watched. When I reached the end of chapter one, I was wondering about history, my one great passion. What would Hitler have written sitting in Spandau Prison to justify his actions? Or Napoleon on St Helena (He was imprisoned twice, once before on Elba, but after Waterloo he was then sent to St Helena where he died) to show why he was right and the world was wrong? The only negative I see is that as a military leader, Murder is not a valid crime unless they are committed personally. As was said in Apocalypse Now, charging someone with murder in a war is like writing speeding tickets at Indy. It was getting interesting; especially his diatribe against the Jedi, and specifically the Council. I wish I had a chance to read further. Caught! Shadows Of The Storm Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A frantic race to cover their tracks One of the better of the works about these characters. Having Vash catch them, then promise to cover it up when scenes of her and Master Zez together was amusing. I just wonder how many of the others are doing such things without being caught? Pick of the Week How Quietly We Sing How Loudly We Whisper JustInunotaisho TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: A confrontation between Atton and the Handmaiden The piece is a look at their relationship after she had become a Jedi in training. The acrimony is understood; Atton had after all once been someone who hunted down Jedi. Atton is trying to let his past go, and the first thing you have to do is be willing to admit you're wrong. It left me a little flat, while conflict is part of a good story, as an intro into a longer piece it didn't make me want to see more just yet. My mother (Who was also a writer) told me if you don't grab your audience in the first two pages (about the length of this intro) you probably won't get them to read further. Caught Moony3003 Possibly during the Post TSL Period: Mira is captured and made a slave The writing is nice and crisp, the scenes clear, but a bit confusing, since we don't know exactly where it began. According to the story she had been on Dantooine, and it seems still following her profession, but I don't remember any bounty hunting options in the second game, so I am clueless as to how she ended up captured. Also, why is Vogga (A crime lord on Nar Shaddaa) willing to buy or capture her half the galaxy away? Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords Drg128 Intro into the game: The Exile awakens in the tank Remember to sight edit, as there are times when you used the wrong word (Bad instead of had). The piece needs polishing, but the scene, and his reaction is what you'd expect from someone waking up after an injury. The escape from the tube is admittedly more interesting that just being dumped when it cycled, which didn't make sense to me; the only time we actually see this kind of treatment is in TESB, and there Luke is pulled up out of the tank rather than being dumped like a freshly caught fish. Sadly, you didn't continue it. Jaw Breaker Big Potato Head KOTOR on Coruscant: Well it could be how it happened The piece start of amusing, but it lost it when he loses his jaw. Having him be a soprano (But not know what the term means when speaking about a voice) was a bit confusing. Having a street gang member almost cut off his Jaw, then think he's helping by finishing the amputation sort of fit with a lot of kids I have seen these days. But what's with the candy wrapper? Third Time's The Charm Lordtrayus Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Some people have other things to do The style needs some polishing, but on the whole, was well done. There is no explanation as to why Malak is wanting the one character to go; is she an Ex-Jedi who has gotten on with her life, or what? Technical note: Whether you call it an Axehead (As the Wookiepedia does) or a Hammerhead, the class is a frigate, not a cruiser. The piece was a bit confusing, as you have too many irons in the fire at the same time. You have the Mandalorian Wars, the Covenant (Which is never really explained) and the Crucible as well. Though having someone taking 'hormone leave' was a cute touch. Battlefront2, The odd couple Setrus Set at Mos Eisley in the BF2 era: Yep, they're definitely an odd couple I was a bit surprised at first. I had not expected the author to do a literal version of the dialogue you might expect from the game, and the Stormtrooper is definitely acting like a newbie. Describing the sidearm of the engineer as an 'obscene cigarette lighter', then the stormtrooper changing class to a larger weapon like a kid before just going with the engineer because there's nothing else to do. I had best stop before the review is longer. Pick of the Week The Birth of Nemesis Mattd144 Set in TFU: With Juno dead, he now lives for revenge The intro portion of the piece needs to be sight edited. You used the wrong words and left words out pretty much from the start. This isn't a major ding; one thing I have to do almost constantly is edit for grammar and words used. The piece starts like any generic western, the sole survivor swearing revenge for his betrayal. Apathy Is Death Rang Traycn Pre-TSL to Peragus: Sion feels a connection to the Exile, and hunts her because of it Remember that Jedi is the title of an order of monks, like Shaolin is. A title is always capitalized. Technical note: Improper nomenclature. Read my article Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To see what I mean. The work, at least the first two chapters which is all I read, is stilted, and confusing. This is no major problem, it merely needs editing and polishing. Having Sion be the main focus is an interesting departure. In my own work Return From Exile here I had him also obsessing on her for my own reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 14, 2013 Author Share Posted December 14, 2013 Knights of the Old Republic: Kindred Souls Book 1 Author of Scifi Post TSL: The Exile finds clues during her search Remember to sight edit and polish because the flow could be smoother. One thing, 'influence' is something connected to the game; not actually to real life. So instead of saying she had gained influence, which made him finally talk about his past, it is more that having come to know her attitudes, he hoped she would not reject his presence because of it. I liked your comment that astromech droids are designed to use the tonal keys intentionally to keep people from understanding them, but as I pointed out in my own Return From Exile, and the movies where you have long contact with a droid in the movies, you get enough of the message without the audience having to actual speak the droid's language. Technical note, Shipboard designations: While on the ship's diagram the cabins are east and west, the directions don't really mean anything on a space craft because they are determined on a planet by a compass. If you landed with the cockpit facing west, they would be north and south. Read the article I wrote )Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it!) because to act efficiently on a ship, you have to know where to go at any moment, and designations for locations are precise compared to those used on land. The piece was interesting, and I honestly wish I could read beyond chapter 2. Knights of the Old Republic: Kindred Souls Book 2 Author of Scifi Continuation of the previous work: Ajunta, son of Kreia struggles with his feeling, and the manifestation of his mother as well I understand why you told others to read the first work! Having not gotten past chapter two, I was immediately at sea. However the idea that Kreia is just hanging around because of her son is a bit confusing to me. Breadcrumbs Zerbinetta TSL aboard Ebon Hawk after Peragus: A simple chat in the cockpit sets them up nicely The piece was well written, the scenes clear and crisp. I thought it interesting that you used an idea no one has yet; that the reason Atton was on Peragus was because he was hunting her. The dialogue is snappy, and I can picture them literally battling it out in a verbal slugfest. Pick of the Week Lith Sords OpticalPeach Pre Mandalorian Wars: Why didn't they make the connection? The piece is funny with Revan, the Exile (Tyla) and another girl deciding to run off to have fun. The only confusing point was how did the Sith set up a bar on Coruscant without the entire Jedi Order even noticing? It was especially fun when instead of just killing the girls, they ended up as go-go dancers in force cages. Best of the Week Small Baby Girl MatoiMewtwo TFU AU: Watching his daughter grow up The piece had problems with improper word usage, exited (Leaving) instead of excited. No biggie, it just means you have to reread and edit. I do it all the time, and sometimes I forget (Bad Critic!) myself. Actually a series of snapshots, starting at birth, and ending when she married. I agree it's an ironic twist to have her marry Anakin Solo. White Light Lord Darth Master Pre Mandalorian Wars: A clean up of the planet Deralia leads to the discovery of Revan as a child Remember to sight edit, as you used aid (assist) instead of Aide (assistant), and deter (Stop) rather than defer (Allow precedence). Technical note, assassination attempts: In the US senate, there have been safeguards against this right back to the 19th century. So guns, blades etc would not have been passed by unless the security force itself is corrupt. If they were, it would have been easier to have one of your own suborned cops shoot him. Technical note Local support: Assuming a standard police organization as we have in the US, why is a private in charge instead of a higher ranked officer? This would be like an FBI agent arriving to take a local crime boss in, and assigning him only a couple of uniforms instead of about a dozen under at least a sergeant. Also if you know the man is at home with a security force, whether droid or human, you are not going to send only four men. Watch the scene in Beverly Hills Cop when Foley and his pair of local cops hit the mansion to save his friend. When the police roll to assist, they sent a lot of men, including a police captain. Technical note programming: How were the police to know what programs are being used in the droids? If you accessed the local net, all you would get is the specifics the company had used when originally sold, not what would have been installed after the fact by the user. And if you know he is using illegal programs, why hasn't he been arrested for that? For that matter, why weren't the company officials arrested for supplying the 'illegal' software? The society you describe sounds like Columbia, where the drug lords used the old euphemism of 'Plomo or Plata'; lead or silver. If a local cop or politician won't accept bribes, they are killed, sometimes along with their entire families. So an honest politician has as much chance of getting this bill passed as a pint of Irish whiskey has of surviving a wake. Nightmare Lust Kali Yugah Pre-KOTOR: The Exile give in to the one thing she hates the most I used the same idea in both of my KOTOR works; that Malak had loved Revan, and that love had turned to hate at the end, and that Atris had loved my female exile, and hated her at the end because it wasn't returned. I did like the idea that she was clueless until she was kissed, and betrayed when Kavar stood mute. Meeting the Fool SWfangirl21 TSL on Peragus: Valley girl meets TSL I hated to correct anything, but there is one glaring problem. Consul is an adviser. So she should be looking for a console. I used the tag above because the main character sounds like the stereotypical valley girl. Back in the 80s, I was in a store checkout line, and these two girls as happy as a box of birds were chattering, and instead of the normal 'gag me with a spoon' one came up with 'gag me with a barbeque fork', then they glared at me as if I were eavesdropping when I laughed at the line. But they were talking loud enough I think everyone within a hundred yards was hearing them, so I just laughed at the glare too. Tora's is definitely like those girls, wondering if he's cute and cool in a serious situation. Tales of the Dark Side Revens Revenge Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A dark Jedi begins his quest for power The piece was a little to abrupt for me. His insistence on being called by his name then casually killing the boatman. I was actually surprised he didn't have a concussion bomb or depth charged dropped to kill the oyster being that gave him what he wanted. The Attuned Deathshard Mandalorian Wars on Nar Shaddaa: A thief is caught The piece was confusing, primarily because it needs polishing; you left out words a couple of times. I was even more confused with the idea that the Mandalorians captured a planet and it's mines, then ran off the miners. You have to remember, when a country is taken by an aggressor, they rarely move in their own people to work the mines and till the fields unless it has been depopulated; I.E. everyone killed or fled. They usually just put someone in charge of those who didn't run away and leave it at that. As an example of when it did happen, the Mongols on three subsequent invasions of Europe and the Middle East slaughtered everyone in western Russia just to have enough grazing land for their herds. Then they depopulated ancient Poland trying to get the rest of Europe to attack them, and finally in the old Persian Empire slaughtered every educated person, leaving only the peasants. Late at Night in the Mess Hall flooj9235 Pre-KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: A late night meeting The piece is fun because I know how the author feels. You set up to divide the scenes between them, and partway in, suddenly one has pretty much raised the Skull and Crossbones, and taken off for parts unknown dragging you along. I reviewed No Boundaries, the companion piece to this one back in October of this year, and I can see why the author wanted to show both sides. Alternate World Shellbullet34 Pre-KOTOR: During the mission to capture Revan, Bastila returns instead with Starkiller from The Force Unleashed The piece needs polishing. I did read the first chapter, but I kept getting thrown by word usage and sentence structure. The entire series of fight scenes felt contrived; like a Martial Arts movie where the hero just stands in the center of the room as every one of his enemies attacks in sequence. Also improper nomenclature. Look at the article; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. The idea of Starkiller being thrown through time is, I will admit, a unique one. It does have interesting possibilities. 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