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[Fic] Web of Deceit


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Hi, Forumites:

 

This is my first attempt of Non-CSI related fiction. It might not be as good as it is, so it's totally up to you if you want to read it.

 

Note: The plot is pretty similiar to Bleach. So anime lovers you can leave your comments.

 

Dedicated to:

 

Topsite: Surprised? As my friend, you always show support when I need it very much.

 

Starfire Sisters: Aurora and Leia has offered some valuable advices and made some proofreading for me. Also, they offered permission to use their character. Thanks to them for the title and opening crawl.

 

JediMaster12: Ahhh, Dr. Jedi Master. Thanks for proofreading and valuable advices.

 

Darth Randus: For permission to use his character.

 

Joe Doe 2.0: Well, you've been nagging me to post this. So here it is. Enjoy it. :xp: Oh, and thank you for character names.

 

Empress Padme: The blood-thirsty Empress offered her name. And I appreciate her majesty's honor.

 

You: For reading, not skimming, and leave a comment.

 

Disclaimer: Includes, but not limited to, Star Wars, and its logo belongs to Lucas Arts Ltd. BLEACH, FULL METAL PANIC, GUNDAM SEED DESTINY, STAR WARS, FINAL FANTASY, DEVIL MAY CRY, NARUTO, AH MY GODDESS, DRAGON BALL ARE TRADEMARKS, AND THEY BELONGS TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNER. This fic is for entertaining purpose ONLY. NOT for COMMERCIAL USE.

 

PS: FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FLAME: FEEL FREE, JUST WATCH YOUR HEAD THERE. You're fore-warned.

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STAR WARS – Web of Deceit

 

Darkness clouds the future. As a lone Jedi Knight, AURORA STARFIRE,d leaves to do the bidding of the JEDI COUNCIL, the Council itself grows uneasy. The GALACTIC REPUBLIC is at peace, but the future remains in shadow. Meanwhile, AURORA STARFIRE heads to the planet Muunilinst to confront and subdue a dark Jedi. But at the same time, not everything is as it appears…

 

Prologue

 

----

 

It was a warm day. The sun extended its rays over the land giving unto it life. The light stretched forth and squeezed through the window of a room. In the corner a female figure with blonde hair was sitting in front of a desk, writing something. Her thoughts were in her own world, undisturbed by others. She did not notice when someone came into her room.

 

“Aurora Starfire, the Jedi Council requests your presence,” a voice broke the quiet of the room.

Turning towards the messenger, Aurora smiled and replied, “Thank you. I’ll be there,” and she turned back to her writings to put them away.

 

The messenger nodded, “You’re welcome,” and left.

 

Putting her writings away, Aurora stood up, and stroked her chin thoughtfully. The Council requested my presence? I wonder what for. Deciding that she wasn’t going to get answers by standing there, she put on her outer robe and walked out of the door.

 

On her unclosed book, there was a mysterious writing: “Goodbye, Halcyon days.”

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Chapter 1

 

A black shadow of a boy appeared under the cover of black curtain peering as if to look in. He walked fast as if he were walking through an unsavory part of the city. Occasionally he glanced around but he kept his mind focused on getting to his destination. Ben Flameshadow knew that he would be in trouble but he had his reasons and could only hope that they would make sense when he told them. Arriving at his door, he took out his key to open it. Stepping inside he called out, “I’m home!”

 

“You’re LATE!” a man shouted at him. The voice was angry but the face was smiling, a strange combination.

 

“I know. I know,” Ben sighed. He knew what was coming and he didn’t look forward to it. He slumped his shoulders in resignation.

 

“Then you deserve a punishment!” Then quick as a flash, the man struck out with a kick aimed at Ben’s abdomen.

 

Ben blocked the attack with ease and then backed off. He replied, “Is that the warm welcome I get after being in school all day?”

 

“You blocked my kick. Very Impressive.” The man stood in a ready stance, smiling at Ben. He waited until the boy struck with a punch to continue fighting.

 

Both continued fighting, each throwing punches and kicks and ignoring everything else. They were interrupted when a girl’s voice called out, “Dad, Ben, you two stop fighting! Dinner’s on the table.”

 

“Ah, don’t worry about them, Tanya. It’s the only way they express their relations towards each other.” Another girl sighed.

 

“Hey, an opening!” Ben’s father gave Ben an uppercut and Ben crashed into the kitchen.

 

“That’s not fair!” Ben got up and continued the fighting.

 

----

 

At last, the fight ended. Both men had some bandages on their heads, hands, and arms.

 

“Thank you, Tanya.” Ben nodded when he took the bowl with food.

 

“No problem, Ben.” Tanya smiled.

 

Suddenly the whole rocked when Ben’s father put his face on a huge photo of a pretty woman. “Hey, my L-O-V-E-L-Y, lovely wife! Didn’t you see? Ben’s home now, and don’t worry, we’re all fine!” Then he flashed a “thumb up” gesture and a wide, sincere smile towards Ben.

 

Ben shook his head in disbelief.

 

After Dinner, Ben announced: “I’m full. Thank you for this delicious meal. I’m going for a walk.” Then he stood up and headed for the door.

 

“Wait, brother! I’m going with you!” Tanya said cheerfully. After she finished dinner, she jumped down the chair and took Ben’s hand, “Let’s go!”

 

Ben smiled and opened the door.

 

But the image in front of him was shocking. A Jedi was standing in his front yard, facing a Dark Jedi. The Jedi slowly said, “Face it. You are nowhere to go.” Then she noticed Ben and Tanya, “Stay there! Don’t move!” She cast a Force Stasis Field and they’re instantly immobilized.

 

The Dark Jedi smiled coldly, “Oh, is that so? I doubt that, madam!” He reached out his clasp, and a shapeless hand grabbed Tanya’s neck: “If you come any closer, I’ll break her neck!” He tightened his grip, and Tanya’s face twisted in pain, “Brother, save me! Save me!”

 

The Jedi said nothing but took a big step forward. “You don’t dare.”

 

The Dark Jedi laughed maniacally: “No?” Then he took out a detonator and pressed the red button. Suddenly a bomb exploded under that Jedi’s feet, but unfortunately, that Jedi wasn’t able to dodge the attack, and was instantly incapacitated.

 

“Put her down! I’m ordering you!” Ben shouted.

 

“Make me.” The Dark Jedi replied coldly, “And be fast. That cute young lady seems out of breath!”

 

“No!” Ben shouted, but he can’t fight because he was immobilized. “Ahhhhhhh!” With a fierce cry, Ben broke out of Stasis Field.

 

No…Impossible…A mere normal human can get out of Force Stasis by himself? Who is he? The Jedi looked at Ben, astonished.

 

Ben prepared to charge towards the Dark Jedi, but stopped when he heard the Jedi’s voice: “Do you want to save your sister?”

 

Ben shouted at her: “Of course! What, are you blind or what? And please wait here. My father would cure you in no time.”

 

The Jedi shook her head: “No need. But to defeat that guy, you need to learn how to use the Force.”

 

Ben looked at the Jedi, like looking at an alien he never seen before.

 

“What are you doing? Do you want to save your sister or not?” The Jedi shouted, and Ben can hear Tanya’s crying for help.

 

“Yes. I want to save her and you. Give me your lightsaber, Jedi.” Ben said calmly.

 

“My name is not ‘Jedi’, my name is Aurora Starfire.” the Jedi ignited her silver lightsaber and held it towards Ben, “Use it to defeat him! Don’t think, use your instincts.”

 

“Thank you, Aurora.” Ben put his hand on the lightsaber hilt, the blade color suddenly changed to bluish silver.

 

“No…Not possible…How come? Why does the lightsaber change its color?” Aurora’s eyes widened, and she was feeling her Jedi Power was being rapidly absorbed by Ben. In pain, she released the hilt and said weakly, “Ben, go.”

 

With an amazing speed, Ben slashed his newly obtained lightsaber and cut the Dark Jedi’s arm down.

 

“Ahhhh!” The Dark Jedi shouted in agony, and took away the Force Choke.

 

“I don’t know who you are, and I don’t want to kill you. But since you attempted to kill my sister, I think I have to kill you for good.” Ben said coldly.

 

“No, have mercy!” The Dark Jedi begged. “I’m sorry. Too late” was his last sentence he heard.

 

After taken care with his sister, Ben rushed to Aurora: “You looked badly injured. Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah.” Aurora’s eyes were still widened.

 

“I can’t leave you here! You got to be in a hospital!” Ben shouted.

 

“No need. I’ll take her from here.” Another man’s sound echoed through their heads. They turned and saw a man with a green robe, and a green-stripped hat, and his walking cane, “Ah, how abrupt! I haven’t introduced myself. I’m CSI. And you are?” CSI looked at Ben.

 

“Ben Flameshadow.”

 

“Mmm…Ben Flameshadow. Nice name, boy.” CSI smiled and nodded, “Don’t worry about her, she’ll be fine. And we’ll deal with your unusual behavior later.”

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Clear, lucid and pertinent. The first chapter is a little more spartan - it could used some fleshing out here and there. Nothing a good proofreading couldn't fix. One example can be this sentence that confused me.

 

The Jedi slowly said, “Face it. You are nowhere to go.” Then she noticed Ben and Tanya, “Stay there! Don’t move!” She cast a Force Stasis Field and they’re instantly immobilized.

 

Story looks promising and the writing style is good overall. It's something I can actually read... or maybe its my new, flashy Liberation Fonts. :xp:

 

I'll follow this, CSI.

 

EDIT

I forgot to mention this:

 

There is a very distinct Anime style in your writing. There are many Anime mannerisms I noticed, and I could only imagine the entire story overall as an anime. :xp:

 

Maybe it's just that you've revealed the Bleach connection.

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[Note: This is still an rough draft. If the final draft comes out, I'll change this. Thanks.

 

@Anime lovers: Some of you may noticed that similiar names appeared in this story. That's right, due to shortage of name, I'm forced to check all Anime and copy their names...]

 

Chapter 2

 

Next morning, when the sun cast her beam through the window of Ben’s room, Ben turned his body and suddenly heard a male voice: “Good morning, Ben.”

 

The next thing he knew, a pair of huge feet were going to land on his abdomen. With a reflexive flip, he got out of bed and smashed the opponent’s head on the floor. The man shouted in pain.

 

Ben held his right fist and shouted angrily: “You bastard, how dare you attack your son in the morning? You’ve certainly got some guts!”

 

“Not bad, my son, not bad! I have nothing else to teach you.” His father announced excitedly. Suddenly, he grabbed his dad’s clothes and pulled his dad towards him, “Oh by the way, are Tanya’s injuries cured?”

 

“Injuries?” Ben’s dad looked at Ben innocently, “What are you talking about?”

 

“What?” Ben looked at his dad in total disbelief. Sometimes his dad was an excellent actor who deserved to get an Coruscant Actor’s Guild Award.

 

“Why don’t you go see for yourself?” Ben’s dad answered back.

 

Ben put his dad down and rushed downstairs: “Tanya, Tanya! Where are you?”

 

“I’m in the kitchen.” Tanya responded, making breakfast.

 

“Are you okay?” Ben ran to Tanya and grabbed her shoulders. “Are you injured?”

 

“Injured? No, I’m fine. Whoa, whoa, put me down, Ben! The bread is overheated!” Tanya rushed to the bread maker and took two slices of bread out. “Well, looks like it’s your breakfast. And if you don’t finish it now, you’ll be late!”

 

Ben walked out of the front door, and he paused to wonder for a minute: “Tanya’s injuries vanished mysteriously, and their memories were altered…They thought nothing happened! This is how the Jedi cover stuff up?” Suddenly, Aurora’s images flashed through Ben’s head, “About her? She should be back to where she comes from, right?”

 

----

 

In Muunilinst Public Academy, Tessa Testarossa and Kaname Chidori were going to class, and they were talking in the hallway. “Good morning!” The girl with a long, orange hair smiled and greeted another boyish girl, “How are you doing, Kaname?”

 

“Good morning, Tessa.” Kaname nodded and smiled back, “Everything is fine. Oh, what’s your lunch today?” Oh, I have a bad feeling about this, she thought.

 

Tessa blinked her big, bright eyes and said happily, “I’ll have a Salmon noodle bowl, with honey and Balloc mustard.”

 

Kaname sweated a little when an image of a noodle, some slices of Salmon Fish, and an invisible hand poured a bottleful of honey and Balloc mustard into the bowl. She really couldn’t imagine what it tasted like.

 

“Do you want some?” Tessa offered enthusiastically.

 

“Eh, no, thanks.” Kaname smiled bitterly.

 

Tessa continued, seemingly ignoring Kaname’s embarrassment. “It’s very delicious, I guarantee it.”

 

Just then, Ben walked around the corner, but he didn’t see them coming, and bumped into Tessa. “Ouch! That hurts!” Tessa fell on the floor and covered her left arm. Her datapads, Holocrons, and other stuff scattered on the floor.

 

“Ah, isn’t that Tessa?” Ben looked at them coldly.

 

“I’m sorry.” Tessa apologized while sitting on the ground.

 

“Hey, Ben, how dare you say 'ah' after you ran into her?” Kaname stood between them and yelled at Ben angrily, “How dare you?!”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Ben said apologetically and looked at Kaname, then he looked at Tessa over Kaname’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

 

Tessa smiled embarrassedly and nodded.

 

“Here.” Ben held out his right hand to Tessa, attempting to help her stand up.

Tessa looked at Ben’s face. It was a serious face, with a pair of scary eyebrows. “That’s okay! Really, I…” She waved her hands and ran away nervously.

 

“Tessa!” Kaname shouted after her, but Tessa seemed to ignore her.

 

“What’s wrong with her?” Ben looked at Tessa’s back and asked curiously.

 

“Your eyes are too scary.” Kaname then asked Ben seriously, “Oh, back to the topic, why do you come here so late? It’s already noon!”

 

“I had some unsettled business, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Ben looked away from Kaname and replied. Then he entered the classroom.

 

In the classroom, Ben’s friends asked him, “Ben, I heard something happened at your home.”

 

“Yeah, kind of.” Ben answered reluctantly.

 

“Is it settled yet?” another classmate asked him.

 

“Well, not yet. It’s too early to be completely settled down.” Ben shook his head.

 

“Do you want a hand?” The third classmate, who was standing on the left side of Ben, asked kindly.

 

Ben turned to him. “Tall” was his impression to that classmate. Then he smiled embarrassedly, “No, thanks for the offer.”

 

“Sousuke Sagara, I think you will demolish everything, instead of restoring it, if you go there!” The first classmate joked to the tall boy.

 

They all laughed. Ben laughed so happily that he temporarily forgot all unhappiness.

 

“What’s the next class?” Ben asked Sousuke.

 

Sousuke replied, “Modern Galactic Basic.”

 

“Oh, that class. Thanks.” Ben nodded and managed a smile.

 

“Hello, so you are the Ben Flameshadow everyone is talking about, right?” A familiar voice sounded behind Ben.

 

Ben turned around and his eyes widened. Impossible…

 

It was Aurora Starfire, the Jedi who saved him last night.

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Chapter 3

 

After seeing Aurora, Ben shot up from the chair, “You!”

 

“What happened, Ben? Do you guys know each other?” Ben’s first classmate asked.

 

“No, gentlemen. It’s our first time to meet each other. Right, Ben?” Aurora smiled happily. But Ben knew that smile was fake.

 

“She’s the new transferred student, named Aurora Starfire.” The second classmate smiled and explained to Ben.

 

“Nice to meet you, Ben Flameshadow.” Aurora held out her hand and announced warmly. Ben looked at Aurora’s hand when she turned her palm towards him. It showed several words:

 

“I’ll kill you if you tell them.”

 

Ben opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

 

Aurora’s expression suddenly shifted to a sinister smile.

 

----

 

During the break, Ben dragged Aurora into a corner and shouted at her, “What the heck are you doing here? What exactly do you want from me?”

 

Aurora replied lightly, “Ah, that’s so scary! What do you mean by that?”

 

Ben ground his teeth: “First, you need to change your tone, darn it! But anyway, why are you still here? Didn’t you go back to that place, the so-called ‘Jedi Temple’?” Ben put his hands on his hips and turned his head away from Aurora.

 

“It’s not whether I want to go back. It’s whether I can go back there.” Aurora explained in a formal tone, “Only Jedi can go back there. Now I can’t go back there, because…” She closed her eyes and frowned.

 

“What do you mean, you can’t?” Ben grabbed Aurora’s collar and shook her violently, “Because of what?”

 

“Last night, you absorbed almost all my Jedi power when you grabbed my lightsaber.” Aurora sighed sadly.

 

Ben felt shocked, but he looked away and pretended nothing had happened: “How am I supposed to know this?”

 

“Thanks to you,” Aurora continued sarcastically, “I have to take medicine three times per day in order to restore my power. Now, before I get my power back,” She held out her right hand towards Ben, “You need to help me finish my ‘Jedi’ job.”

 

Ben looked confused and a red question mark hovered above his spiky hair, “What?”

 

“That’s right, because for now, you’re the one who has Jedi power, Ben. Basically, you don’t have the right to deny…”

 

“I’m sorry, I have to turn your offer down.” Ben crossed his arms in front of him and announced determinedly.

 

Aurora’s expression shifted from hopeful to disappointed, “What? What did you say?”

Ben frowned, “I don’t want to fight with Dark Jedi anymore.”

 

“What makes you say so?” Aurora persuaded Ben. If I still can use my power, I’ll cast Force Persuasion on him! “Didn’t you do your job very well last night?”

 

“That’s because they attacked my family,” Ben made up a quick and bad excuse. Before Aurora could respond, he added, “I won’t fight them for a total stranger. I’m sorry I let you down.”

 

“Really?” Suddenly Aurora felt an unusual Force signature. “Ben! Halt! Did you feel that?”

 

Ben stopped and turned to Aurora sarcastically, “Oh, yeah, I did feel it. So what?”

 

Aurora replied, “Follow me. You’ll find out soon enough.”

 

Ben hesitated.

 

Aurora shouted at him: “I said, Follow me.

 

Ben frowned again and started to follow Aurora.

 

----

 

After a while, they stood at the entrance of a small, local park with various entertainment equipments. A small child was playing on the swing. “Hello? Where are we going?” Ben complained.

 

“It’s getting closer and closer.” Aurora said, “And I’m afraid that child will be attacked.” Suddenly a large noise erupted. Aurora and Ben turned towards the noise and saw the kid on the swing begin to run away crying, “Help! Help!” Behind him, a Dark Jedi was laughing maniacally, “Run, kid, run! Run like hell!” Then he swung his red lightsaber, attempting to slice the kid up.

 

Ben’s eyes widened and he jumped over a fence and ran towards the kid, attempting to save him.

 

“Halt!” Aurora shouted behind Ben.

 

Ben stopped and looked at Aurora, “What?”

 

“Why do you save him? Isn’t that kid a total stranger to you?” Aurora yelled at Ben.

 

Ben shouted back: “Even I can’t watch him being killed by that guy!” He pointed at the dark Jedi. “That innocent kid got attacked right in front of you…”

 

Aurora raised her voice: “Don’t be so childish! A Jedi must treat all living beings equally. You want to save him just because he’s just within your reach! You can’t do what you want to do! There are two roads in front of you: Either watch him get killed by the Dark Jedi,”

 

Ben’s wide eyes reflected the horror on the kid’s face and the maniac laugh of that Dark Jedi.

 

“Or, if you save him now, you have to be prepared to save ALL living beings regardless of distance!” Aurora’s shouting struck into Ben’s head like a bolt of lightning, “Even if it costs your life.”

 

Ben held his fist and closed his eyes: Calm yourself, Ben. Calm down and think.

 

Suddenly, the kid fell down, and the Dark Jedi was going to strike down with his crimson bladed lightsaber...

 

Ben opened his eyes and drew his lightsaber like lightning, and he cut the Dark Jedi’s left arm off. The Dark Jedi shouted in agony and fell down on the ground.

 

Are you prepared to save all living beings? Aurora thought. But she couldn’t see Ben’s expression clearly.

 

“No.” Ben straightened himself up, and replied sternly, “I don’t care if I’m prepared or not, just because I want to save him.” Ben continued calmly, “Aren’t you the same, Aurora?”

 

“What?” Aurora asked Ben in confusion.

 

“Last night, you attempted to save my siblings, and during that time, did you think that you’re just doing a Jedi’s obligation?” Ben turned to Aurora, and his eyes emitted rays of justice, “How can you think that much when you are attempting to save someone?”

 

Behind them, the Dark Jedi slowly got to his feet, gave a battle cry, and charged towards Ben, who continued, “At least I don’t.”

 

“I WILL KILL YOU, YOU BRAT!” The Dark Jedi screamed. And that sound was silenced by Ben’s fatal stab at the Dark Jedi’s head. “You’re too noisy. Be quiet!”

 

The Dark Jedi fell to the ground, and his body vanished.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Ben bent down and asked the child. The child looked at Ben, and suddenly shook in fear. “Hey, little kid, if you don’t want to see this anymore, don’t come out alone. Now, go.”

 

The kid thanked Ben and ran off.

 

“Let’s go back.” Ben walked towards the school, Aurora looked at him, surprised.

 

Ben stopped and turned to Aurora: “I still don’t have the understanding, Aurora.” He paused a little, “I’m not a great man who is willing to sacrifice his life to save others, but if I see someone is hurt, I’m not a coward to abandon them.” Then he held out his right hand, “I will help you, in Jedi’s job.”

 

Aurora smiled, and replied, “Then, thank you very much.”

 

----

 

Meanwhile… “Ben Flameshadow? Ben Flameshadow?” The teacher was reading the roll.

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Note: The plot is pretty similiar to Bleach. So anime lovers you can leave your comments

Similar? Try a complete rip-off of Bleach, right down to the specific events. And you also rip off Full Metal Panic, meshing it together with Bleach and Star Wars to make something completely non-sensical. As an adaptation of Bleach into the Star Wars universe, it reads very poorly; as a story by itself, it makes even less sense.

 

In addition, this and your other fics demonstrate a distressing lack of originality. You simply take a preexisting work of fiction and attempt to mold it into the Star Wars universe. This would not be such a bad concept, save for the fact that you tend to copy the events and characters from the original work directly into Star Wars, without even trying to add to the plot. Can't you be creative and come up with something unique?

 

Oh, and Bleach and Full Metal Panic are licensed, so that means if you want to use characters/terms/references (of which there are many in your story and quite poorly utilized) from either of them, you must cite it in the disclaimer, otherwise it is copyright infringement.

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Actually Reclaimer, Rogue Nine is not jealous at all. He's right. CSI, you're creative enough to come up with your own original work now. Don't use Bleach or CSI or other anime stories and simply recopy them and give them Star Wars names. That's not creative. That's just copying. I know you are capable of so much more than that.

 

I'd like to see you come up with your own story--your own characters, your own plot, your own setting, your own dialog. I _know_ you can do it. While you can use other characters and stories as inspiration, you should create your own Star Wars stories--put down the DVDs and scripts from CSI, Bleach, and the others, and create something from you--your head and your heart.

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Actually Reclaimer, Rogue Nine is not jealous at all. He's right. CSI, you're creative enough to come up with your own original work now. Don't use Bleach or CSI or other anime stories and simply recopy them and give them Star Wars names. That's not creative. That's just copying. I know you are capable of so much more than that.

 

Agreed all the way, Jae. Rogue Nine states the grim fact that it's a bad idea to copy something and throw it into a new universe, especially without any additional creative inputs. I haven't seen Bleach myself, so I won't know what is what. But CSI, you need to get original.

 

And I do agree with everything that Rogue said.

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The CEC is meant to foster creativity and originality, not copy-paste jobs with minimal creative input. He can do as he likes, I merely offered my opinion on the matter as well as suggestions for improvement instead of just being a yes-man to something that obviously needs a lot of work.

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So you're telling him he can't do what he wants? That's pretty low.

 

Well, just copying something and renaming the characters is plagiarism. Plagiarism isn't allowed on LF and particularly in CEC. The staff is now holding him and everyone else to that rule and disallowing plagiarism from other stories. That's not low, that's upholding the rules we already had in place before CSI ever started posting here.

 

Besides, CSI is more than capable enough to create his own plot and characters and come up with an enjoyable story.

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