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Maj. Grahame "Trousers" Simpson, DSO, dies


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I would just like to announce that I am deeply, and truly upset by this. I cried for four hours today, just thinking on the loss of this man, and the terrible pain his family must be in.

 

I want him - and you - and his family to know that my heart will be with him and with them at this time, and that they have my condolences, and that I will be praying the rosary five times an hour for the next week, strapped into a mourning-iron maiden, for his soul, in my deep and profound sense of loss at the passing of this man I scarcely knew about until five minutes ago.

 

Farewell, noble one. :(

 

From his obituary, in the Daily Telegraph today:

Maj. Grahame "Trousers" Simpson, DSO, who has died today aged ninety-five-and-three-quarters, was one of the last of the Bengal Lancers' Pan-Pipe Division, and the only man to fight the entire battle of el-Alamein singing "The Ash Grove".

 

A peerless raconteur, Maj. Simpson was known as much for his vivaciousness as for not suffering fools gladly. His description of the Battle of Gazala was renowned for its great vividness and historical interest: the overwrought Major's spying of giant snakes on the horizon an otherwise unnoticed element of the battle, curiously unmentioned in the official accounts.

 

Grahame Marie-Antoinette Simpson was born in the village of Wilking-Under-Lizard, Hants., on June 11th 1911, the third son of Marcus Simpson, a tanner, and his wife Suzette, (née Crépeshien). A sickly child, he attended the Greater Wincanter Boys' Grammar, before going on to read Classics at the new University Swansea, in 1932. Matriculating with a standard degree in 1938, he joined the Lancers thereafter.

 

An enthusiastic musician, Simpson was made 1st Lieutenant, despite joining at non-commissioned level. “A battle can turn on giving the enemy a good piping”, he is recorded as having said before Alam el-Halfa, and he was commended at Sonnenblume for his bravery when he stormed the enemy position armed only with a second-hand trombone.

 

It was at Bir el-Harmat, however, where the then-Captain Simpson earned his nickname, when his use of the bagpipes was described by the surrendering German commander as sounding like 'a pair of trousers exploding'.

 

Awarded a DSO at the 2nd Battle of el-Alamein, he was wounded in the leg at the battle. “It was pretty tough, I can tell you”, he later recalled. “The Jerries had us pinned down in one or two spots, and it was starting to look pretty tricky for a while. At one point the valves on my trumpet jammed, and I really thought I'd had it.”

 

Invalided to Britain, Capt. Simpson spent the rest of the war filing debriefings at Carsway House. Retiring in 1948, he devoted the rest of his life to his family and primrose-breeding. He is survived by his wife and eight children.

:(

Edited by Darth InSidious
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from his obituary, printed today in the daily mail:

 

Maj. Grahame "Trousers" Simpson, DSO, an awful child molester and well-known ruffian and bandit leader, died today at the age of 95 to the delight of many. His funeral was conducted immediately as many just wanted to get his sin-ridden corpse into the ground as soon as possible. Sources say that he was merely tossed into a pine box lined with a tarp and filled with formaldehyde. The local bishop was quoted as saying "good riddance", and many attended his funeral in order to urinate on his grave, which was merely a stick with a rag encrusted with fecal matter strewn upon it.
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*Jae weeps*

 

I, I just don't know where to begin--I am so distraught that words cannot convey it to a degree appropriate for this man. My deepest condolences to the Major's family.

 

I know we all will greatly miss a man so gifted in speaking that he could make himself heard above the loud rumblings of snores. Where would we be without the passion with which he treated his fellows, such that an invitation to one of his famous parties was met with enthusiastic regrets if the invitees were on holiday, in hospital for hemorrhoid surgery, or otherwise indisposed? We all can be grateful that a man of his stunning ability in the bagpipes could spur his fellow soldiers on to the fastest victory possible. Indeed, at the grand battle of Marnier, he inspired such great courage among the men in his unit that they would rush as far forward into battle ahead of him as they could, sometimes even far outstripping the reach of the very pipes that emboldened their heroic bravery.

 

The world has lost a man of effervescence as great as his exploits, and we cannot begin to convey how profound this loss is to so many of us.

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Alas, the world has lost one of its best!

 

Major Grahame "Trousers" Simpson was a true friend. My granddaddy recalls to me on those quaint summer days of how they fought together during the Gallipoli Campaign, and how, eventually, despite their shed blood and tears (granddaddy was shot in the leg, whereas the tears belonged to Private (for he was not a Major at the time), for he had recently torn his favorite pair of trouser), the Entente lost that particular battle.

 

The blood that poor Major Simpson would shed throughout his life! During the Second Great War, Major Simpson would conduct an unsuccessful- albeit incredibly successful- raid on Berlin. Landing in Berlin via a captured Nazi jet, Simpson and his elite team of commandos would nearly kill the Fuhrer himself! Alas, just as he prepared to slay the man who had brought Europe to his knees, his rifle clacked!- empty. Once more, Simpson would use his trousers to escape the Nazis, using it to rat-tail the approaching divisions of crack troops. Then, catching the wind, Simpson would fly back to England using naught but his trousers.

 

And there, children, is the tale of Major Grahame "Trousers" Simpson. Whether you doubt the validity of the story or not, know that he will be sorely missed.

 

That is all.

 

*Taps plays*

Edited by Litofsky
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