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A man comes home from a business trip a day earlier and he drives into his garage and parks the car. Entering the house he calls out "Honey, I'm home!" And when there's no response he walks upstairs, wondering if his wife was just sleeping in inordinately late.

 

He walks into the bedroom where he sees his wife, nude as a jaybird. "Why aren't you wearing anything?" He asks, incredulous.

 

"I don't have anything to wear." The wife declares.

 

The man throws open the closet, "you have a red dress, a blue dress, a green skirt, hi Frank, a black dress, a nice red cocktail dress..."

 

 

 

 

 

The man backs up a couple dresses. "Uhhh.... Frank? Why are you naked?"

 

 

 

 

:rofl:

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. All of a sudden the wife stops.

 

The Wife: "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

 

The husband: "WHAT???"

 

The Wife: "You're not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.

 

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

 

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big deptment store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

 

And then they go to the jewelry department and get a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

 

The Husband: "But you don't even play tennis, but if you like it then lets get it."

 

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

 

The Wife: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

 

The Husband: "I don't think so, honey. We're not going to buy all this stuff."

 

The wife face goes blank.

 

The Husband: "I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

 

Her face gets really red she is about to explode.

 

The Husband: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

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@Shem: :lol:

 

A man is walking through the market and hears one woman shouting...

 

Seller: Chernobyl apples! Get your Chernobyl apples!

 

Man: Woman, are you insane!? Why are you telling us the apples are from Chernobyl? That stuff's radioactive, there's no way people would buy it!

 

Seller: Sure they will. Some for their mother in law, some for their daughter in law, son in law, sister in law...

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An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical while his wife comes along. The doctor enters the examination room.

 

The Doctor: "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

 

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife.

 

Old Man: [yelling] "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he want?"

 

The Wife: [shouts] "He needs your underwear."

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. All of a sudden the wife stops.

The Wife: "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband: "WHAT???"

The Wife: "You're not in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big deptment store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then they go to the jewelry department and get a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The Husband: "But you don't even play tennis, but if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

The Wife: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The Husband: "I don't think so, honey. We're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife face goes blank.

The Husband: "I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode.

The Husband: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"


ROFLMAO!!!!!

Anyways:

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A man is driving along an old country road when his engine dies, conveniently enough there's an old mansion up the road a little bit, so the man gets out and as he starts walking it starts to storm.

He reaches the house more or less dry and raps on the door. Another man opens it and lets him in. "What are you doing here, stranger?" He asks.

"Hello, my names Joe and my car just broke down a little bit down the road, do you have a phone I could use?" Joe replies.

"Unfortunately not," the man says. "The storm took out a phone line so I can't get anything in or out by phone. I'll let you stay here the night and then drive you in to town to get a wrecker for your car."

Joe ponders the strange man's offer and eventually accepts it.

"Do you want to see something neat?" The man asks after dinner.

Joe nods and follows the man down several flights of stairs and 25 locked doors. At the bottom they reach a final steel door that the strange man unlocks and opens to reveal a typical 'mad-scientist'-type lab. In the center of the lab there's a purple monkey in a locked cage. "You must never let this monkey out." The man said.

Joe nodded, entranced.

Eventually the two men left and went to their respective rooms.

That night the thought of the monkey wouldn't leave Joe alone so he crept out of his room and down the flights of stairs, unlocking the doors behind him. He unlocked the final door and stole into the lab, and saw the purple monkey.

Joe walked towards the cage and stared, entranced. He then unlocked the cage.

The monkey's red eyes opened and its mouth opened in a vicious snarl.

Joe ran up the flights of stairs, locking each door behind him, but, still, the monkey was following him. He ran hard, harder than he'd ever ran before but it was to no avail, the monkey was behind him still!

He got to the top and tried opening the door.

LOCKED!?!?!?!?

The monkey was behind him and Joe whirled around to face it.

The monkey reached out a hand, the snarl having become feral. It reached out, the monkey leaned in mouth opening.

The monkey touched his chest.

"Tag!" It cried as it ran down the stairs.
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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Yeah I like Chuck Norris jokes ...
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Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ

 

1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING backflips, etc...

 

2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again

 

3. One word: Whined

 

4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster.

 

5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to practice his Force skills until they kicked him out.

 

6. Learned to shoot baskets again.

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Top Ten Reasons Not To Join The Empire

 

10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense.

 

9. All ships and installations are built around a "main reactor."

 

8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedoes and always lead to the "main reactor".

 

7. TIE Fighters have no shields.

 

6. The Emperor's best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.

 

5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.

 

4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.

 

3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.

 

2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator.

 

1. Bounty Hunters, We don't need their scum!

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Yeah how about this one:

 

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe

 

1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable

 

2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'

 

3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son

 

4. Could really walk on moons

 

5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith

 

6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'

 

7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had

 

8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic

 

9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet

 

10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly

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Now believe it or not, us Moderators, don't actually like having to moderate, however I'm just seeing, Spam, Spam and more Spam...

 

Re-read this;

 

 

5. Spamming

 

Spamming is strictly prohibited. Your post needs to contribute to the discussion or the topic. Spam Details:

 

1. Do not post messages that are irrelevant to the topic or attempt to derail the conversation. Your posts should contribute to the thread in some manner.

 

2. Chatting is speaking in a light, familiar way and includes informal talk or one sentence posts like “I agree.” Chatting is considered spamming and will be dealt with accordingly in the KotOR boards. However, it will be tolerated to a limited extent in the Ahto Spaceport Cantina. Please remember that Off-Topic forums (such as Ahto) are for off-topic discussion, not no-topic discussion. The staff will lock blatantly spammy threads at their discretion.

 

3. You may not post threads about the amount of posts, post status, or rank that you or a fellow member has.

 

4. You should not be able to look up at your screen and see that the majority of topics or messages on a page were just created or posted by you.

 

5. Do not start topics meant for posting spam. Find some other forum to work out your inanity.

 

Don't be suprised if several of you recieve infractions or have your post count nerfed shortly...

 

"hahahaha", "Nice one" etc do not count as posts, while one off posts like that are ok some of you seem to be treating Ahto as your personal chatroom... Don't! -- j7

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how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

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2186 for me :D

(not so much a joke as a riddle)

 

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the president (not Obama) is on a plane. there is a little girl sitting next to him.

 

President: "i hear that plane rides go faster when you talk to the person next to you. so what do you want to talk about?"

 

Girl: "i don't know what do you want to talk about?"

 

President: "well why don't you tell me how i can make America a better place?"

 

Girl: "ok, but first i have a question. cat poo is in a little log shape. rabbit poo is in little pebbles. deer poo is in big lumps. but they all eat grass. why do you suppose that is?"

 

President: "well i really wouldn't know"

 

Girl: "well how are you supposed to make America better if you don't know crap?"

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Seeing as nobody appreciated my Franco-Prussian joke... :p

 

Jar Jar Binks walks into Mos Eisley Cantina and asks "Esqueez me, got any crackers?". Bartender Wuher gruffly says no, so Jar Jar leaves.

 

The next day, Jar Jar walks into the cantina and says "Esqueez me, got any crackers?". Wuher again grunts no, so Jar Jar leaves.

 

Jar Jar returns to the cantina the next day and asks "Esqueez me, got any crackers?". Wuher shouts "I told you yesterday and the day before that we don't have crackers! Ask that one more time... I'll nail your mouth shut!". Jar Jar says "How wude!" and leaves.

 

Sure enough, Jar Jar returns to the cantina the next day and asks "Gots any nails?" Wuher grunts no, so Jar Jar says "Good. Got any crackers?".

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Top Ten Hobbies Of Darth Vader

10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls

9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"

8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits

7) Genealogy

6) Using the force to learn to juggle

5) Mortal Kombat 5436

4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship

3) Late nights with a pain droid

2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma

1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet

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Things you will never hear Yoda say:

 

What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect???

 

Size matters not...hey, what are you laughing at?

 

Lift THAT ship?! You must be out of your mind

 

I cannot teach him. IQ of 30 has he. Hangs upside down in ice caves.

 

Duct Tape...the Force it is like. Both a light side and a dark side it has. Binds the universe together it does!

 

Remember all that stuff Obi-Wan taught you? Forget it.

 

Yeah, well oneness with the universe doesn't put food on the plate, junior.

 

No...there is another. Let's hope as stupid, she is not.

 

Never underestimate the powers of the dark side. Or is that Regis Philbin?

 

I cannot teach him. Land an X-wing, he cannot even.

 

Never underestimate the power of the dark side... or duct tape.

 

Yeah yeah. Force this!

 

Anger, fear, merchandising...the Dark Side are they!

 

I didn't want this job! I wanted Marlon Brando's role in 'Apocalypse Now!'

 

No Force? Take this, impudent nonbeliever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

So how did you like the funhouse in the cave, Luke?

 

Quite frankly, Mr. Skywalker, if Obi-Wan wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

 

Oh, yes, well if you're going could you take this robe to the cleaners for me? I've been wearing it for over 800 years on this stinkhole and it doesn't... Oh, judge me on my smell, will you?

 

Well it may be spooky, but it saves cost on burial plots and it beats cremation.

 

Luke, don't ask what the Force can do for you.. But what you can do for the Force

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