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Baby on the Way


Shem
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Congratulations, and as for beating the boys off, may I recommend giving them these rules to consider? (In spoiler tags to prevent uberlong post)

 

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Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, having ahem... relations without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to "relations", I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Edited by Liverandbacon
argh, hide, not spoiler
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The due date has been changed from July 24 to July 28. :D

 

Congratulations, Shem! Have you any more pictures for the prying audience? :xp:
Not yet. I'll have to see if there are any clear enough pictures to scan. I mean some of those shots are hard to tell what they are unless you have had some training in that area.

 

did you come up with a name for her yet? And is she your first child?
Yes, she's going to be named after my mother.

 

With a wife as lovely as Shem's, he'll have to beat the boys off his daughter and sit on his porch with a shotgun when someone comes calling. :lol:
That's assuming if she takes after her. :xp:
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Congratulations, and as for beating the boys off, may I recommend giving them these rules to consider? (In spoiler tags to prevent uberlong post)

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I think I'm going to laminate those and hand them out to any boy who wants to date my daughter.

 

Here's a radio ad (for Hummer, won a Radio-Mercury Award in 2005) to go along with those rules.

 

Regarding the baby's due date--they come when they want to come. Babies don't read obstetrics textbooks. :D

Edited by Jae Onasi
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I think I'm going to laminate those and hand them out to any boy who wants to date my daughter.

 

Hehehe...I can only imagine what their expressions would look like. ;)

 

Anyways, once again, congrats, Shem!

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Congrats to you and your wife Shem! Believe me, it is a lot of fun being a parent!

 

Regarding the baby's due date--they come when they want to come. Babies don't read obstetrics textbooks. :D

 

Very true. My wife just gave birth to our daughter 3 weeks ago, she was due on April 28. My wife was at 29 weeks and 6 days at time of birth. But here is hoping that your first one will be a full term baby and as healthy as can be!

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