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The Padawan's 2 Cents

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Greetings! machievelli has chosen me to succeed him in his column, and as his apprentice in writing, I've gladly agreed. That's why I call myself a Padawan. :) Here is my first column, so please be gentle. It's my debut, and I'm nervous!



By MsFicwriter, apprentice to machievelli

April 11, 2015




Kiss My Wookiee by JourneyRocks13


KOTOR I: What would have happened if Bastila, Carth, and Revan had all escaped the Leviathan?


For time’s sake, I only read three (my personal maximum) out of your fourteen chapters. The first one has a goofy, off-the-wall feel to it, mocking the seriousness with which the original KOTOR took itself. A prime example of this is in the sentence, “They were able to defeat every enemy that they came against without any problem and they got to the Ebon Hawk without any difficulty.” Only in a video game can this happen. Be sure to proofread and insert commas and periods at the end of sentences. Also, Revan and the others seem too blasé about the revelation of his identity as a Sith Lord. More emotion would help this story a lot.


Charting a Course, Harder than it Looks, Drunken Gunplay, Sugarbomb, Rationale by clicketykeys


SWTOR: Smuggler Vacy Fiorst and guest companion Corso Riggs embark on several adventures.


Your writing style is smooth and clear, and your grasp of dialogue is keen. I enjoyed the interplay between Corso and Vacy, even when it made other characters seem like movie extras. My one recommendation is that you do a bit more showing, not telling. Instead of saying “Corso was clearly angry,” you could say, “Corso clenched his teeth so hard that his jaw yearned to crack.” Otherwise, this is a good group of tales.


Picks of the Week


Life, Death, Passion and Flashes by Shadows of the Storm


KOTOR II: One of the Exile’s male companions comes to terms with her having turned to the Dark Side.


There’s a fine line between drama and melodrama, and it’s hard to know where to draw it. “She was vulnerable. She was evil. She was death incarnate. She was the love of his life. How could he strike her down?” Which one or two, out of these four descriptions of the Exile, are the most important? Which ones reveal the most about the hero’s character, and his relationship with her? Also, why wouldn’t the Exile send a skilled bounty hunter or two after him while she cements her reign on Malachor V? With all of that said, you do a good job of portraying your protagonist as hunted prey instead of the hunter. “Flashes” is unique in its format and perspective, although I couldn’t tell that it was a Star Wars piece right away.


Wild One by Epona's Chosen


Extended Universe: Jilka believes she's too normal and boring for a wild one such as Corr, but is that so?


When developing a story’s main character, I ask myself three questions: 1) Who is s/he? 2) What motivates him/her to do what s/he does?, and 3) How can I help readers sympathize with him/her? I got a good sense of whom Jilka was and why she was with Clan Skirata, but I didn’t quite understand what she was after - except romance. Is that Jilka’s only overall goal? Also, show, don’t tell: “He knew he didn’t stand a chance with her…” Why? Dive into Corr’s head and drag his thoughts out kicking and screaming. Keep up the good work, especially on your descriptions and background information.


Cold Desert and Speaks to me of Comfort by Acharya


SWTOR: Apprentice Sith seek to change the face of the galaxy forever.


Your first three chapters of “Cold Desert” are chock-full of details, but rather short on characterization. Remember to sight-edit: “Alaian snorted softly,” instead of “Alaian snorted lowly.” Also, some of your long single sentences should be separated into two or three. Your premise is compelling, especially since the two protagonists are slaves. I know how hard it is to turn video game action heroes into three-dimensional beings, but you’re on the right track. All you need to do is slow down and climb inside their heads. That goes for both of the pieces you’ve written.


Malachor and Revanchists by SavageBetty


The Mandalorian Wars: The final moments of the Battle of Malachor V.


Right away you plunge us into the thick of battle, pulling out all the stops. The meticulous details that you provide make readers every bit as aware as your Exile of the danger she’s in. The ending arrives so fast and hard that it’s like being sideswiped by a semi while you’re driving a “smart car.” Those who have never played the KOTOR games, especially KOTOR II, might not understand what the Exile is doing to stop the war. You might want to mention something about the Mass Shadow Generator, but otherwise, well done. In both pieces, you vividly capture the tension and anger that have started many a war in this galaxy.


Picks of the Week/Best of the Week


Unspoken by onhiatusdontwaitup


SWTOR: A poem about an original character and her beloved, Corso Riggs.

“When blade met blood/Beneath a starless sky” is the best couplet. One thing, though: If I hadn’t looked up and spotted Corso Riggs’ name in your summary, I wouldn’t have known this was a Star Wars poem.


Reputation by impsy


SWTOR: In which Corso Riggs jokingly accuses the Smuggler of going legit, and she proves him wrong.


You nicely balance romantic tension with wry humor, allowing us to get a glimpse of your two characters when they’re not busy fighting the Empire. Unfortunately, bounty hunters never take a break either. Bravo!


Pick of the Week


Star Wars A Tale of Darth Plageus by jman007


Rise of the Empire: A twenty-four-chapter novel of an infamous Sith Lord’s rise and fall.


According to Wookieepedia, the canonical spelling of your villain’s name is Darth “Plagueis.“ However, I daresay that your version makes more sense. Another technical note: There is a feature on FanFiction.net that will allow you to rename your chapters without putting a table of contents at the beginning. As for the actual story, or at least the first three chapters, they carry a great sense of urgency. It’s almost too much. So much action is going on that I’d like to see a few more details. A clear example is this part: “Plaegus watched in delight as his hired thugs slaughtered everyone in the house and blamed the act on Iridonian terrorists.” This scene might take one minute of a movie, but in a saga such as this, please slow down.


The Best Deceptions by Marianne Bennet


SWTOR: A character sketch of Kaliyo Djannis and an Imperial Agent.


Your sharp eye for detail shows quite clearly in this piece, although some of your sentences are a little too long. What I’d suggest doing is smoothing out your paragraphs, especially the ones that give a lot of info. This is one of my pitfalls, too, when I’m writing stories. Otherwise fine work, and I hope to see more of it.


Vision by Samuraibrarian


SWTOR: Zirsha, Jedi healer, contends with a plague afflicting Masters, and haywire precognitive ability.


Your richly-detailed story starts out on a contemplative note, where Zirsha meditates upon her homeland. This is a great beginning for a saga geared toward adults and older teens, but others might want some action right away. Open her mind and reveal her feelings more. Also, try to vary your sentence structure between longer and shorter ones. All in all, this is a comprehensive piece showing considerable promise.


More than Acquaintances by Marshall Polemos


KOTOR I: Oneshot series exploring Bastila's struggle with the Jedi Code due to her feelings for Revan.


In the Star Wars fanfic universe, Bastila and Revan have become more popular than Romeo and Juliet - hey, even Han Solo and Princess Leia. This territory has been charted so many times that it’s become as well-known as the Corellian Run, but never have I seen it begin with the perspective of a wary female kath hound. Your writing style is fresh and lively, and your dialogue crystal-clear. It’s a pity that you didn’t finish this story, because it has so much potential. I hope I get to read more of your work on this site.


Pick of the Week

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By MsFicwriter, apprentice to machievelli

May 02, 2015

(NOTE: I apologize for being late; now that I’m finally over my bronchitis and exhaustion, I’m ready to roll!)


Coruscant Entertainment Center


Star Wars: The Road Not Taken by Chevron 7 locke


SWTOR: The Jedi Knight and his companions find a mysterious and possibly dangerous artifact.


Right away, you grab us from the opening line, although “thing” might be too vague a descriptor. Please remember to check your word usage and homophones, because spell checkers won’t catch these kinds of errors. (I mean “they’re” versus “their”, “its” versus “it’s”, “travel’s”, and so on.) I would also capitalize “Sith,” because it’s the name of a group of people in the Star Wars universe. Other than that, you’re very good at creating suspense, humor and dramatic tension. Do update this story more often, because I’m hooked.


Star Wars: The Last Hero (I) by christos200


SWTOR: To stop a relentless Sith armada, even after Darth Revan’s defeat, a champion must rise.


I’ve read your work before, although without critiquing it, and you’re definitely improving. Please remember to sight edit and check your word usage (“it’s” versus “its”, “costumers” versus “customers”, “tens” versus “tons”, and so on). As I told Chevron 7 locke, spell checkers on computers won’t catch these mistakes. You certainly know how to put a lot of intense action in your stories, though some readers might raise their eyebrows a bit. I’m curious to see who this Sith is, and how John the humble waiter will rise to the challenge of being a hero. One more thing: If I were John, I would have tried to steal money from Han before now.




KOTOR by Ash Veran


KOTOR I and II: A compilation of oneshots about Revan, Malak, and the Exile.


For the sake of time, I have only read the first four chapters of your ten-chapter series. Each piece has crisp dialogue and description, but statements such as “And the tattooed cheeks were as hers as the hair” are awkward. “Confrontation” is the best one of the four, mostly because of Revan trading wisecracks with Darth Malak. My main recommendations, other than to keep writing, are to combine some sentence fragments and lengthen your chapters. These may be oneshots, but they don’t have to be so short.


Best Intentions by Samuraibrarian


SWTOR: Knight/Doc. Doc returns to the ship after an errand to Alderaan to bail out a friend in trouble.


Your descriptions and language flow very smoothly here. However, some of your sentences are a little too long without commas and other punctuation to break them up. I do think Prudy should have put up more of a fight against Doc, with or without the Knight Cymae nearby. “Heck hath no fury”, et cetera, et cetera…


Tarisian Entertainment, Little Something in Reserve, I Have my Reasons, Gentling, and What He Really Means by clicketykeys


SWTOR: The ongoing adventures of Smuggler Vacy Fiorst and her companions.


You are one of the most prolific writers I’ve seen on this site so far, if not THE most prolific. I congratulate you on crafting so many tales about your female Smuggler and her exploits throughout the galaxy. However, for the sake of fairness, I regret that I can only review five of your entries – and count them all as one - per installment of “The Padawan’s 2 Cents”. With all of that said, you continue to do good work. Vacy is feisty and clever, Corso Riggs is more than a match for her, and your fake Star Wars obscenities are amusing. My favorite piece out of these five was “What He Really Means”, due to its wry and sarcastic humor.


Song base kotor by Lady Chey


KOTOR I: Modern tunes make their way into the KOTOR I universe and impact the canon characters.


Even though I enjoyed the use of contemporary music in this piece, please remember to sight edit, using proper capitalization and punctuation. I also liked how you described the characters’ reactions to the songs.


Small Victories by Blatant0


KOTOR I: LSM Revan fights three Dark Jedi on Tatooine.


Even though your descriptions are clear, they could be a bit more vivid. Instead of saying, “another tiring day of work,” you could say, “another exhausting day of drudgery.” That will give readers a better idea of how difficult the Anchorhead residents’ lives are. Also, lightsabers spring into action, not existence, unless the Dark Jedi had Kreia/Traya’s power of making them materialize out of thin air. Do keep writing, because as I have discovered, the only way to improve is through practice.


Naga Sadow by believe in titans


Long before KOTOR: Naga Sadow and Ludo Kressh battle for the title of Dark Lord of the Sith.


When it comes to capitalization, there are some words you properly capitalized (such as “Sith”), and others that you really didn’t need to (such as “Burial Ground”). I know that grammar issues like this one are almost a moot point in this age of text-speak, but it helps readers know which nouns are proper and which aren’t. Other than that, this oneshot is concise. More emotion and characterization would beef it up immensely.


Leviathan by pyrotorch246


KOTOR I: The crew of the Ebon Hawk is taken captive aboard the Leviathan.


I’ve often seen this scene played out with Revan, Bastila, and Carth as the main characters, but never Canderous. Bravo just for that, and I’ll upgrade it to a “brava” for Canderous’ plan to infiltrate the ship. You do a great job of taking KOTOR seriously and making fun of it at the same time: only in a video game could the hero carve so many bloody swaths through so many people without getting himself killed. Remember to sight edit, especially with characters’ names, because spell-check dictionaries won’t catch errors here.


Pick of the Week


Come Around Sundown by Acharya


SWTOR: When a Jedi who wants to purge himself of emotion deals with Doc, inner conflicts arise. Slashfic.


In my humble opinion, “canon” is whatever the player of a video game makes of it, and not only what the developers established in that game. If the latter were the case, all fanfiction would be dry, word-for-word novelizations instead of creative extrapolations. With that said, right from the opening scene, this story is harrowing. It’s full of emotion and vivid description, and I can clearly picture the characters in my mind. The part where Maze reflects upon all the killing he’s had to do, even as a Knight, clarifies the chief flaw of an otherwise-great MMO. Game-wise, nearly nonstop slaughter makes perfect sense, but Jedi-wise, it really doesn’t. A final note: It’s a shame that you didn’t finish this story, because it has a ton of potential.


Pick of the Week


Starkiller by Marie Writer


KOTOR II: Atton Rand and the Exile go on an errand run and get a little distracted at the bar.


Nearly every story featuring KOTOR II’s favorite pilot (well, only pilot) contains three things: 1) romance, 2) witty banter, and 3) several snarky wisecracks from Atton. You include all these hallmarks fearlessly, if not flawlessly. A thorough sight editing and revision would make this tale crystal-clear to your readers. I’m glad you didn’t portray Atton’s revelation exactly as it was in the game, and your Exile’s frustration and anger are palpable. This scene is a bit rushed. My recommendations: Slow down, proofread, and give more detail.


Did I Save You Yet? by The Raider


KOTOR II Cut Content: Atton’s death in the Trayus Core, told from his own and the Exile’s perspectives.


This piece is barely over 600 words, yet it speaks volumes. You do a fantastic job of portraying so much drama and emotion in so little literary space. One suggestion that I would make is to make sure and put periods after every complete sentence, especially the italicized ones. Otherwise, your work is worthy of:


Pick of the Week/Best of the Week


Until next week, this is the Padawan saying, "Keep writing, and may the Force be with you!"

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By MsFicwriter, apprentice to machievelli

May 08, 2015


(NOTE: I’m posting this a day early because I’ll be super-busy tomorrow. On with the tales!)


Coruscant Entertainment Center


Star Wars: The Last Hero (II) and Star Wars: The Last Hero (III) by christos200


SWTOR: The continuing saga of John, a meek waiter who is surprisingly strong in the Force.


As I mentioned in my review of your previous chapter, cantinas have “customers”, and outfits are covered in “tons” of beautiful gems. Also, if a cantina doesn’t have a formal name, such as the Jekk’Jekk Tarr or Javyar’s Cantina, then the word “cantina” doesn’t need to be capitalized. In the second chapter itself, it seems odd to me that Paul doesn’t notice the interaction between John and Mary more closely. John may be controlling his emotions with great skill, but I think Mary should have at least frowned or looked uncomfortable. Maybe you’re coming up to that later in the story, but why not put it in this chapter? Your descriptions of Darth Venius’ ship and bedroom are intriguing. You could describe the various properties of a couple of plants that decorate Venius’ chamber, especially if they’re poisonous.


The third chapter is full of so much action that it seems a bit rushed. Sith would naturally be trying to track down a Jedi to fight and kill. However, when it comes to Silver Needles Chang Anyi, Fang Ying and Robert Fox, what is their motive for a duel to the death? Maybe it’s common in wuxia movies to have random and aggressive people come and challenge the main character, but in Star Wars, if they’re not Sith, it doesn’t “fly”. I would have Chang, Ying and Fox pursue the duel for some other reason, like revenge. John is a waiter and a debt slave. Perhaps he also owes debts to these three bad guys who want to take him out.




Ajunta Pall by Heroes Die


Long before KOTOR: The thoughts of a once-powerful Sith Lord while his soul exists in torturous stasis.


The last five lines earn the gold medal in your thought-provoking tale. Winning the silver medal are Ajunta Pall’s philosophical musings, and Revan’s entrance takes the bronze. Interrupting the smooth and almost effortless flow of this story are several missing words, such as in the line, “…disjointed memories of things I no longer know why mattered.” Otherwise, this is a welcome addition to Sith-related fan fiction lore.


Legacies by jazzpha


Post-KOTOR: Revan wants to put his Sith past behind him, but finds the darkness is not easily dispelled.


For the sake of time, I only read the first four out of your twelve chapters. I can clearly see why this saga has earned over eighty reviews, across the nearly sixty thousand words you put into it. Your language flows smoothly, although several of your sentences are a little too long. Try mixing them with sentences that are only three or four words, especially in dialogue. One of the things that’s always bothered me about Revan is that s/he comes to the Light too easily – through amnesia, one of the oldest clichés in the video game industry. Your Revan is not only conflicted, but literally haunted by the memories of his past. I laughed out loud at the line, “Why the Force didn’t seem to want to follow through on its end of the bargain, though, Revan had no idea.” When I have more free time to spare, I am definitely going to return to this story. A technical note: I would capitalize the rank of Padawan, just as you capitalize the ranks of Knight and Master.


Tie for Best of the Week


Nothing But Trouble by thatghost


SWTOR: Things quickly go wrong for Darth Astara after she resigns from the Dark Council.


If readers aren’t already familiar with the characters in the TOR Sith Inquisitor story arc, they might have trouble relating to this tale. True, I could say the same thing about any of the fanfics on this site, but it applies here with greater visibility. Who are Ashara, Xalek and Andronikos? Since this chapter is so short, more exposition would clarify the whole situation. I love your wry sense of humor and cheeky wisecracks.


Monster and Sparring Practice by clicketykeys


SWTOR: Female smuggler Vacy Fiorst and her henchman/partner Corso Riggs continue adventuring.


It’s nice to see Vacy relax, if only for a little bit. She is best, as always, when her temper’s flaring and Corso is on the defensive. He sounds like a hillbilly when he says, “But I ain’t done anything!” This mental image me chuckle, although you might not have intended for readers to imagine him that way. The same thing goes for Vacy. Of these two installments in your saga of Ms. Fiorst, I enjoyed the angsty “Monster” most.


PersonalProfessional by uninitiated


SWTOR: The Imperial Agent questions one of her allies about his relationship with a crew member.


The first thing I noticed about this story is its title. It consists of two words jammed together, with no space between them, in a distinct parallel to the relationship between Vector and Cipher Nine. Bravo. The second thing I noticed is that it’s chock-full of information, but double-entendres and innuendos aside, it’s rather cold. I feel like I’m reading a spy novel, which is great, but there’s a detached tone to your tale as well.


The Waters of Manaan by Chevalie


KOTOR I: Revan actually remembers his identity, and upon Manaan, he takes Bastila aside to reveal it.


This is the scene that should have been in the original game, when it comes time for the revelation that’s only space-shattering the first time around. Your piece is laugh-out-loud funny, and other than a few capitalization errors (“Known Space” comes to mind), it’s a top-notch oneshot. It definitely deserves a:


Pick of the Week


Mei Aijin Mistress of the Sith by R. Sellati


SWTOR: A young, pure-blooded Sith female walks the path of the Warrior and the Dark Side.


I believe that the first section of this story and “First Lesson Learned” should have been two chapters instead of one. As it is, it’s quite disjointed, and I had a little bit of trouble following the action. I also have a question about the opening battle: Drezzdon was supposed to kill Zeph’tor; that was the setup. However, did the other Sith plan for Mei to kill Drezzdon as well? I think Mei did that of her own accord, but I could be wrong. While looking at your profile, I saw that you’ve only written one story. Keep it up, because you’ll improve.


Holiday on Hoth by chapellefan


SWTOR: Even a stiff such as Malavai Quinn can learn to…relax.


The opening advertisement was absolutely hilarious, and made me laugh out loud. Remember to sight edit, because there are some errors that spell checkers won’t catch. Vette is “dozing off” (sleeping) instead of “dosing off” (taking drugs). By the same token, Broonmark is the newest “addition” to the crew and not its newest “edition” (that makes him sound like he’s a newspaper or an encyclopedia – yep, I’m old). Despite these mistakes, this tale was delightful, and I’m kind of sad it was a oneshot. I’d like to have read more.


Tie for Best of the Week


No Rest for the Galaxy by bamfbugboy


SWTOR: The Imperial Agent and her ally Vector Hyllis engage in raiding pirate bases, along with romance.


When I think of a spy, I think of someone cold, calculating and logical. Your story depicts an operative with a temper hotter than the planets of the Mustafar System. It’s surprising and melodramatic at the same time. The installments I read are so full of snarky complaints that I want to give your Agent a good thrashing. She “refuses to be a plaything of the Sith,” and yet the Empire’s stocked with them like a lake with trout. The good things about this tale are that your protagonist has a wicked sense of humor and a gift for insults. For the sake of time, I only read the first three chapters. Make Chapter One longer, including more detail.


The Force Inside by I Give Headaches to Aspirin


KOTOR I: A near-death experience for Carth Onasi awakens abilities he never knew he had.


I’m tempted to give you a “Pick of the Week” due to your username alone, but know that this honor must rest on the merits of your piece. These merits include getting us in on the action right away, making your chapters crisp and concise, and your revealing Author’s Note in Chapter One. Things happen so fast that everything seems a little rushed, but not much. I wish you would have updated and finished this saga.


Days of the Old Republic II: Bindo by Psychopithicus


TOR: An original Jedi with a familiar KOTOR-canon nickname finds friends and a foe on Dantooine.


Even though your premise is intriguing, I (and most likely many other readers) keep seeing Jolee Bindo’s face pop up in this story, instead of that of your OC Miraluka. Your strengths include crisp dialogue and short chapters, although more detail and emotional range would help turn a good tale into a great one.


Until next time, this is the Padawan saying: “Keep writing, and may the Force be with you!”

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By MsFicwriter, apprentice to machievelli

May 22, 2015




Descent and Sith Are Not Given to Whimsy by Samuraibrarian


SWTOR: A female Jedi Knight connects with Doc, and a Sith manservant engages in shameless flirting.


Descent has the perfect balance of snarky humor and dead seriousness – literally, in Cymae’s case. Your descriptions are keen and clear, letting us feel the scene instead of just observing it. I especially like the professional-sounding medical references and terminology you use. It makes me wonder if you’re employed in the health care field. I look forward to reading more of your work on this site, even though this entry was posted in 2012. Sorry it took so long, but my mentor/critic has done the best he can. Thus, so am I. In Sith Are Not Given to Whimsy, some of your sentences are overly long. Check the second one. The story’s funny, but far too short to get a real sense of the characters.


KOTOR II: Accidental Hero by BluEyedMalak


KOTOR II: Jedi Exile Liran Ericho wants some peace and quiet, but the Sith have other plans. Slightly AU.


For the sake of time as a reviewer, I only read the first four chapters of your saga. Your use of short, choppy sentences is meant to convey a sense of urgency to the reader. However, on paper, it looks like dialogue written for droids. Another thing I notice right away is the sense of detachment I feel from the characters. The Exile cracks wise and tries to make sense of her surroundings, but I’m not immediately grabbed by a reason to care about her. What I do like about this story is that it’s easy to follow if you’ve played the game.


It hurts me more then it hurts you by Darkblaze40


SWTOR: Vette’s feelings for the Sith Warrior run far deeper than that of a slave for her master.


If this is an intentionally funny piece, bravo. Otherwise, countless errors need correction. Please proofread.


The Jedi Kind Of Had It Coming by Sarah1281


KOTOR II: All Revan wants to do is avoid any and all galactic responsibility, but the Force intervenes again.


The first four chapters of your fan-fiction novel are highly detailed, but some readers could get lost in the complex paragraphs. For example, in the second paragraph where you discuss why the Exile doesn’t have a name, it’s not completely clear what Revan, the Council, and the Exile herself have to do with it. My favorite part is how Revan shows up from the very first chapter, instead of being obliquely referenced by Kreia. My two biggest suggestions are to shorten some of your sentences and add more suspense.


Looking to the Future by clicketykeys


SWTOR: Female smuggler Vacy Fiorst finally says the three words that Corso Riggs has been waiting for.


Have you ever read the Jack Reacher series of novels by Lee Child? The romance scene between Vacy and Corso in the first chapter reminds me of one of Reacher’s. It’s witty, with plenty of jokes and just enough detail to keep readers intrigued without being explicit. Out of all your Vacy Fiorst tales, this one is my favorite. It’s the clearest and most concise, and if it’s a finale, it’s a great one. It deserves a nomination for:


Pick of the Week


Settling by impsy


SWTOR: The female Smuggler and Corso Riggs discuss settling down.


If this weren’t a Star Wars story, I would suggest you publish it. It’s almost the perfect material for a best-seller, combining a clear and casual tone with palpable emotion. There are a few awkward phrases, such as, “She kept her face a careful neutral”, instead of “She kept her face carefully neutral”. However, these are minor and easily fixable. Readers will be hungry to read more about Edris and Corso Riggs, as was I.


Pick of the Week/Best of the Week


Remarkable by DangerGirl7283


SWTOR: An encounter between the female Trooper and a wounded Aric Jorgan.


Your prose, especially at the beginning, is crisp and workmanlike but somewhat dry. Rather than telling us, “Elara’s doting irked him,” how about saying something like, “Elara’s clucking tongue and constant nursing made Aric Jorgan restless.” Also, if Elara is female, Aric calling her “sir” sounds weird. Otherwise, this is an enjoyable oneshot. Try more characterization and action next time.


The Best Pep Talk Ever by Chiss Bounty Hunter


SWTOR: Vector Hyllis wants to propose to a female Cipher, but he wants Kaliyo Djannis to help him.


You have a sardonic sense of humor, which you use well in this tale. The profanity in it could, and probably should, have been modified into Star Wars equivalents (“karking” and “kriff” come to mind). Other than that, this is hilarious, especially the end. This is what a oneshot should be: memorable and self-contained.


The Order of Darth Traya Volume I by jman007


KOTOR II: There must always be a Darth Traya – one who has been betrayed, and will betray in turn.


As I’ve mentioned before, there is a way to rename your chapters and not have to post a table of contents at the beginning. The first four chapters of this saga are long and detailed, with tons of characters. Another reviewer has pointed out that there are almost too many to keep straight, and this detracts from in-depth characterization. What I do compliment you on is your hard work and effort to create an interesting novel. Suggestions: more paragraph and sentence breaks, fewer characters, and more introspection/reflection.


Now and Forever by The-Intensity


KOTOR I and II: Revan and the Exile find and fulfill their greatest desire: each other. Femslash.


I’d like to get a formatting issue out of the way first: centering all your paragraphs is distracting. Aside from a few grammar errors (“its” value instead of “it’s” value and “without equal” instead of “unequal”,) this story is riveting. I love the creation and inclusion of the Ophidian race, and your vivid and detailed description.


Pick of the Week


The Esseles by Cybrind


SWTOR: A quick overnight trip aboard the Republic transporter ‘Esseles’ becomes complicated. Rated T.


A little proofreading will fix the few spelling and grammar errors in this nine-chapter odyssey. The first four chapters are cleverly written, filled with Corso Riggs’ unique point of view. Random observation: Isn’t “Keelah Se’lai” something that Tali Zorah nar Rayya says in the Mass Effect video game series?


Lose My Mind by Epona’s Chosen


SWTOR: Sev was losing his mind. Fi got brain damage and Sev thought he'd lost him, and then he did. To Parja.


Your brief oneshot is cute and poignant, although the first sentence could end as “…more so than usual.” A suggestion I have is to give a bit more background information on the characters, for those who haven’t played this particular TOR storyline.


Until next time, this is the Padawan saying, “Keep writing, and may the Force be with you!”

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