Darth_Yuthura Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Totenkopf: That is the kind of advice which I've been seeking. I know that I've been writing in the wrong tense, but I don't know if it's significant enough that I should spend the time correcting it. The reason why I have some great phrases tied to very pathetic errors is that only 1/3 or the story is the original text. I end up deleting or replacing a significant amount of text and it leaves its scars. As for Trevelyan/Revan... This story is from Yuthura's perspective. Although I do have Revan as a weaker character than he would seem, it's mainly because he has only been a jedi for six months and interacting with a very unstable former sith. He's supposed to be soft as water and hard as a raging flood, but hasn't been seen in battle yet. When he has to act as a jedi, he will not be weak. Thanks for the criticism, Totenkopf. I'll take this into account for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 I kinda liked how compassionate Revan was being to Yuthura...but that just IMHO. I'm sure when the time comes he will do what he has to. The only criticisms that I can offer are these. Sometimes its unclear where the dialogue starts because its mushed in paragraphs with narrations. Also, Yuthura seems to be able to do a lot of combat stuff too easily. Example: (and yes I know you did not actually write this in your story) In istead of saying: "Yuthura saw two soldiers and snapped their necks using the force." you could say: "Yuthura saw two soldiers and used the force to snap one's neck. The other whirled around and leveled his blaster at her firing rapidly. She deflected the bolts away from herself barely reacting in time. She dodged his next round and with a swing, she cleaved his gun in two, before delivering an upward cut, killing him." I know its a lot wordier and not the best wording, but its more intense and descriptive. I'm not the master of combat writing. Your strength is making your writing emotional, and making the reader feel for the character. I on the otherhand cant write emotional content on a regular basis of a story to save my life. Overall your work is quite good. Combat stuff you can fix, with practice. I on the otherhand cant fix lack of emotion. :/ P.S. Welcome to the PETA darth god! ~HOP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Just subject yourself to a romance novel. 'course, that might cure you of ever WANTING to write emotional dialogue. Still, it's amazing how much $$ one can make writing that slop. No problem with Rev/Trev being solicitous toward YB, just that he almost comes off as overly eager to please, hence the teen observation. Also, not a bad point about action sequence approach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Thanks HOP . Can I use what you just wrote... and give you the credit as well? As for the Revan/Yuthura relationship.... there will come a time where they realize they have to distance themselves. As much as I would like the two of them to be together, the story would fall apart, or they stop acting like jedi. Their relationship will evolve and change as I think would be proper... I have thought this through. As for Revan's 'lovesick' characteristics... don't forget that his memories came from the Council. Would they likely have been able to give him memories of being in love? She's like the first true love he's ever had, but as he gets more 'real' experience, he'll get to be more like a jedi. My focus with the relationship is to show both characters choosing to distance themselves instead of it being forced upon them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted June 18, 2008 Share Posted June 18, 2008 Of course, but you don't really need to give me credit for writing that...although I wouldn't mind if I got credit. Good to hear it won't be a romance novel that so many of my female friends are in to :eyeroll: That is good how they expressed their love but then choose to cut it off - I like that. See its stuff like that, that I would never come up with. Oh well... But thats a good point. With his memories erased, Revan knows just as much about having a relationship than a teen who never had one. But I'm glad to hear that he will mature. P.S. If you ever want another idea for a battle sequence just give me the basic outline and I'll be happy to help. ~HOP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Has anyone else read the story (My yuthura Ban story) that Padawan linked to on the Force.net? There seem to be about 16 chapters and then no further entries. Guess he got tired of writing it. About 1/2 way thru myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Yeah. Although I found it entertaining, I found it lacking in character personality. It does show a more cheery side where I portray her as a very disgruntled individual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 It was longer on action than charachter development. Wonder if he's still writing it, b/c I noticed gaps in the story entries of 2 +/- months. Perhaps the paucity of feedback caused him on move on to other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I just chacked it and its very possible that its still being written. Only read the first bit of it though...many other sites don't give nearly as much feedback on fan fics as lucasforums does although the author wrote that much without much feedback. Its definatly more action oriented yes, amusing to read but I definatly like DYs fic better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I appreciate it. My story has been stagnant for a long time and I have been promising some action for a long while. I didn't intend to put so much story in that it ends up going nowhere, but I'm about to put her in a war zone and hopefully create a story arc that will get things going again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Finished chapter 24 earlier today. Like that YB doesn't just fold under VL's tutelage. Indicative of why it's often harder to train older people than younger ones. They tend to have more life experience and aren't quick to follow others blindly (though that's often a subject of personality traits, traits that tend to strengthen/be reinforced over time). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Agreed, Vrook is obviously used to having it his way all the time. Its like my teacher said: "You must think you're at Burger King, because you want it your way." When nobody questions your judgement or ideas, you start to believe that they are always right. I think thats what happened to Vrook. I guess Yuthura not just taking, like a padawan would, it came as a slap in the face to him but he seems to have learned his lesson...at least for now. @DY: I glad to hear about the new action story arc. But don't worry too much about not putting action in. It seems like a long time because you are posting chapters separately. When you read it through like a book (yes I did this) it does not seem to go nearlyy as long without action. I liked it even better when I read it as a whole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I think that's part of the reason I didn't read it piece meal either, but rather in batches of chapters. Keeps the events and story a bit fresher in the mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I thank you for your comments, but I would like to know that there will be a goal set for an eventual climax and conclusion. I know it may be a ways off, but I would like to keep the story from stagnating. If Yuthura has an enemy sitting out somewhere... or even a padawan, then the possible stories allowed opens new doors for later chapters. I am trying to elevate Yuthura as the story progresses from an emotional cripple to becoming a leader. I intend to make the Council an enemy that she has to face by changing them or getting other jedi to follow her. The story is going to end when the Council breaks up and Revan goes to the outer regions. As for Yuthura's fate... that's still not decided. (Don't worry. I don't have the heart to kill her off.) One other thing... I have artwork that I would like to display on this site. Should I post it on the SiD thread, or start a new one with [Art]? More drawings would follow as well. If anyone would like me to draw a requested scene from Sid, I might indulge you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I took a look at the art work and I love it. I would love to see a Yuthura fighting Atris or maybe the knighting ceremony. Its good that you have the rest of the story at least simply planned out that is one problem many (myself included) have trouble with. We have a great idea then all of a sudden after writting 10 chapter we run out of gas and then have nothing. Good to see that you will not fall into that trap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 @ Darth Yuthura - - I think that you should probably start a new thread for your art to tell you the truth. That is my opinion though, you should probably ask a moderator. I see that Yuthura is going to take a padawan under her wing. I liked the story that Sengal told Yuthura. I think that it really showed Yuthura something. I cannot tell you enough, you are doing a fantastic job, and that you really have something going here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Thanks to both of you. The second drawing has some defects that came from the photoscanner. I'm trying to figure out how to correct them, so if I post new drawings, you can expect me to replace them with cleaner images. I'll try to get some of the original characters as well... how many times can you draw the same character? Anyway, I'm sure you'd prefer I keep to the writing and skip the drawings. I will put up a new thread and will keep posting on both or the story alone. to Rev7: I was under the impression that Senegal's story was 'too perfect' for Yuthura. I'm glad that it got a reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Pictures and story are good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 Still have to read Ch 25, but my browser isn't showing the pics in the SiD thread. Will let you know what I think when (if) I'm able to see them (all I get is ). Will check your profile to see if they are in your album. You could always upload them to this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 To Totenkopf: What software do you have available? Jpeg, acrobat, ext.? I will start a new thread for the art when I finish the epic dual between Atris and Yuthura. It is in my album, but may still be problematic, so I will try to get a version that you can view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 Was able to see the pics in your album earlier, but this is the first time I've been online since. I think I've got a buggy browser. Sometimes I'm able to see pics in various threads and sometimes not even people's avatars. Comes and goes, it seems. Not bad. Did you crank them out quickly or did it take a little time (don't know your level of artistic ability)? I took some lessons back in school, but what you did would probably take me a bit of time. As to suggestions, perhaps one of her with Vrook or perhaps her mentor looking a bit embarrassed in the bathroom (his body strategically blocking the YB's "naughty bits"--this is supposed to be a PG forum, afterall ) or even her mission on NS as a slave. Been a busy week, so will probably read latest installment after I go offline (have put all 25 chapters--so far--into a notepad doc ~440k in size). Anyway, keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted June 30, 2008 Share Posted June 30, 2008 The second took about three hours. The first and the one I'm on now required more time because I had two figures interacting with each other. I used real models to get the proper pose and shadowing, but often have to adjust the arms and understand the dynamics of the lightsaber light and leku. Those were the hardest things to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PoiuyWired Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 Totenkopf you really need to download a new Bowser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 True enough, I s'ppose. Just lazy, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 Glad to see a new member join. It's comforting to know that there are others out there who appreciate a great character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.