Guest Kint Posted September 14, 2000 Share Posted September 14, 2000 This will probably be censored by the board, and half the planet already heard it. Subject: CHILI > > > INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER > > These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was > visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it: > > "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State > Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. > Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I > happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by > the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a > true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili > wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free > beer during the tasting, so I accepted. > > Here are the scorecards from the event: > > > Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. > > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried > paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames > out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili > > JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. > > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > > FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra > beers when they saw the look on my face. > > > Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. > > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. > > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I > have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid > pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my > chest. I'm getting ****-faced. > > > Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to > taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh > refills; she's 300 lbs. but is starting to look HOT, just like this > nuclear-waste I'm eating. > > > Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very impressive. > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted > & 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended > when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved > my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. > It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop > screaming. Screw those > rednecks! > > > Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of > spice & peppers. > > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic. > Superb. > > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that > babe Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! > > > Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about > Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing > uncontrollably. > > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't > feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to > match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what > killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, > I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in > through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. > > > Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, > not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed > out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's > going to make it. Poor Yank. > > FRANK: -------------- > (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report) > ------------------ Moff Kint Kint@videotron.ca I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Master Posted September 15, 2000 Share Posted September 15, 2000 Ya! I love it! To tell you the truth I hadn't heard that one before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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