JEDI_MASTA Posted October 7, 2001 Share Posted October 7, 2001 IF i were President George W. Bush's Speech Writer... Good evening my fellow americans first i want to pass on my condolences to the people of NEw York and all americans that are hurting in this tragic time. you can rest assured that anything and everything that can be done to assure the safety of our country will be done. THis is the greatest country in the world and we will get through this trying time . NOW is the time for all peoplw to set aside our petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can destroy fortitude of the american people. TO the people risponsible for todays tragedy i say this: are you f***ing kidding me? *Yoink*, *Yoink* Do u know who you are f***ing with ? Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other every day . we will relish that oppertunity for new targets for our agression have you forgotten history? what happened to the last people who started f***ing with us? remember those *Yoink* over in japan? we slapped them all over the pacific and *Yoink*. *Yoink*. ever seen texas on the map? ever wonder why it's so big? because we wanted it that way' mexico started jacking around with the alamo and now *Yoink*. england? we sent them packing. ask your buddy sadam about f***ing with the good ole usa . the only reason he got away the first time is because its too hardto shoot someone while your doubled over laughing. our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and to shoot at the same time. NOW he couldnt stop a pack of cub scouts form taking over his shi*ty little country. *It's not Afganistan, it's the Taleban*. go ahead and try to hide bin laden. there is no hole deep enough or a mountain high enough thats going to keep you *Yoink* safe. we will bomb every inch of the country the harbors him ,his camp, and any place that looks or even smells like he was there. hell we might even drop a few bombs on people who have pissed us off in the past. this is america. we kick @ss. this is what we do. go ahead and laugh now, but the tomohawks are coming and we will smoke your sorry @sses GOD BLESS AMERICA sorry if i offfended anybody but i got this in an email and i think it puts it all in perspective *Yoinks* provided by: Boba Rhett Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tie Guy Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 i don't really like cursing, but that was pretty funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Rommel Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 Good yoinkin', Rhett Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clefo Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 You hit it right on the dot.. Good speech.. Here's something a friend of mine wrote about The country presenting evidence on Bin Laden: (The following was written by Mario Lanza) Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am glad to see you all well after the terrible attacks on our country on September 11th. I just want the American people to know that those who were responsible for this attack will pay dearly. We will not give in to terra. We have all our forces mobilized, and it is only a matter of time before these turists will be smoked out of their holes and destroyed. [pause] This country is strong, and we will not be intimidated by cowardly attacks on our liberty. Freedom will win in the end, as will we. [Dramatic pause] As. Will. We. But my purpose tonight is not to promise threats of retaliation. My message tonight is one of information. Several nations have asked the United States to lay out the proof we have that Osama Bin Laden was responsible for these attacks. We will do this... in time. But not tonight. Tonight I would like to share with you new allegations that have been raised against Osama Bin Laden, and his al Queda turist network. Bin Laden has ties to many other heinous activities in American history. Among them: * Osama Bin Laden's al Queda network has been linked to the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln in 1863. * Osama Bin Laden personally triggered the Stock Market Crash and the Great Depression of the 1930's. * The iceberg that sank the Titanic in 1912 was financed by Osama Bin Laden. * Osama Bin Laden was the first National Guard Officer to fire on Kent State students in 1970, leading to thirteen student casualties. * Osama Bin Laden was the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan from 1959-1964. * Osama Bin Laden's relationship and subsequent marriage to John Lennon in 1969 broke up the Beatles. * Osama Bin Laden's bungled robbery at the Watergate hotel led to President Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. * Osama Bin Laden's evil "Cobra Kai" dojo terrorized karate students in the 1980's. * Osama Bin Laden lip-synched all the songs on his 1990 Grammy Award Winning album. * Osama Bin Laden does not recycle. * Osama Bin Laden wrote the screenplay for the film "Freddy Got Fingered," starring his son, militant extremist/comedian Tom Green. * In a recent speech, Osama Bin Laden leaked the winner of Survivor 3, which has not yet aired on TV. * There is proof that Osama Bin Laden accepted bribes, bet on baseball, and threw the 1919 World Series. We have concrete evidence that Osama Bin Laden and his al Queda network have participated in all these nefarious activities. It is now the time that we must stop him. For his crimes against America, Bin Laden will be hunted down, destroyed, and banned from baseball for life. [He turns to face another camera] Now, this speech is not all about tracking down our enemies. I have been very heartened to see the spirit of America come together through all this terra. We are truly a nation united, a nation of the people. We are strong, America. And one thing a nation needs in a time of unity is a patriotic song to unite us. A song to rally behind. During the Civil War, we rallied behind "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". During World War I, it was George Cohan's "Over There". And now, I have taken it upon myself to select a new patriotic verse; a song that sums up the feeling of America in this time of war. Let me now read you the lyrics, so eloquently phrased by Mr. Dee Snider in 1984. [He pulls out a piece of paper to read off. He reads it very seriously, with great resonance to the words.] "We're not gonna take it. No. [pause] We aint gonna take it. [He pounds his fist on the desk] Oh we're not gonna take it. Anymore." "We've got the right to choose. And there aint no way we'll lose it. This is our life. This is our song. We'll FIGHT the powers that be. Just don't pick our destiny 'cause You don't know us. [pause to look at camera] You don't belong." [He starts to get angry. His face reddens as the actual song "We're not gonna take it" starts playing in the background. He stands up.] "Your life is trite and JADED! Boring and confiscated! If that's your BEST, your BEST won't do!" [He walks toward the camera, angrily clutching his fists. The music is very loud behind him as the crowd starts to get into it.] "We're RIGHT! We're FREE! We'll FIGHT! YOU'LL SEE!!" "WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO! WE AINT GONNA TAKE IT! WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT...ANYMORE!" Presidential Aide: [off camera] He's out of control! Stop him! [Two of his aides rush from off camera to restrain him as Bush starts yelling into the camera like a pro wrestler] Bush: You hear that, Bin Laden? You ready for pain? Whatcha gonna do... I say, WHATCHA GONNA DO, when Bushamania comes down on YOU?? [His aides grab his arms. With great ease, Bush flings them aside. One of them crashes into his desk. They are powerless to stop him. The audience is singing and clapping along with the music now.] Bush: [very angrily, pointing at the camera] Bin Laden, I'm fixin' to get pissed! You don't (bleep) with a man from Texas! And I got all my little Bushamaniacs behind me, ready to go medieval on your ass! Are you ready? Tell me, punk, you ready for a beating? Bin Laden, you better lube up... cause you're about to be fisted by justice! [Four more large aides rush Bush and try to restrain him. He starts flinging them aside like they were children. He barely realizes they are there. The music is very loud behind him, hitting the chorus: "Oh, we're not gonna take it.."] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Rommel Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 *wipes tears from his eyes* Thats is HILARIOUS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tie Guy Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 ROTFLOL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Thats awesome clefo!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JEDI_MASTA Posted October 8, 2001 Author Share Posted October 8, 2001 sorry about the swearing guys but it loses something without it:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clefo Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 Here's another comedy writing called "Taliban TV" written by the same guy.. [scene opens with a red logo, "TALIBAN TV", superimposed on the screen. A picture of Osama Bin Laden giving a thumbs up is under it.] Voiceover: [very thick middle eastern accent] You are watching Taliban TV. The only television channel approved by the Taliban government. Praise Allah. [The scene cuts to a wacky promo for the new fall season. On the corner of the screen, a bobbing Osama head has comical bulging cartoon eyes to represent excitement.] Announcer: Coming this fall, to Taliban TV! It is new "must see" Tuesday evening! Beginning at eight o'clock with everyone's favorite game show, the Taliban Dating Game! [Cut to a clone of the Dating Game. Three women sit behind a partition, all of them covered with robes. You can only see their eyes. A cheesy host in a bad 70's suit and a long beard reads off questions to them.] Host: Worthless female number one. If you were permitted to have an education, what classes would you study and why? Worthless Female #1: [thinking it over] I believe I would study chemistry, because... [Two large men come from offscreen and start throwing stones at her] Host: [pointing angrily at her] Whore! Whore! Stone the whore! End her infidel ****tish ways! [pause] Worthless Female number two... If you were permitted to leave the house, what would be your dream date? Worthless Female #2: [nervously] I would love to visit Mecca and see the birthplace of... [Two large men come out and throw rocks at her] Host: [pointing angrily] Whore! Another whore! The proper answer is "I submit to the will of Allah and serve my master and husband." Whore! Announcer: And following the Dating Game, stay tuned at nine for the top rated sitcom in Afghanistan! Catch the season premiere of "Osama!" [Cut to a large cave. There is a kitchen counter and a couch and a door inside the cave. It looks exactly like the Seinfeld set. Osama Bin Laden is standing at his counter, eating a bowl of cereal. He is talking to his buddy, Mullah Mohammed. They both carry machine guns.] Osama: [very very thick accent] So what's the deal with President Bush? [Audience laughs] Osama: I mean, the man is an evil imperialist devil! What's the deal with that? [Audience laughs again] Mullah Mohammed: [He wears an eyepatch] So I was out on a date last night with this ****tish whore. But I forget her name. I think it rhymes with the body part of a camel. [Audience laughs] Osama: Couldn't you just ask her name? Mullah Mohammed: I can't! I had her beheaded for exposing her eyebrow in public. You can't ask a girl what her name is after you've had her beheaded! [Audience laughs loudly] Osama: Hey, did you eat the last of my cereal? Mullah Mohammed: Oops, I'm sorry! I ate it last night. Osama: I can't believe you did that! You... you.. American! I'm calling for a jihad against you! [Audience laughs] Mullah Mohammed: Well you'll have to wait your turn. I called a jihad against you last week for stealing my move! [Audience laughs uproariously] [suddenly a tall wild haired Arab man comes bursting through the door, like Kramer. He carries a machine gun. The audience applauds loudly. He takes a handful of money and slams it down on the counter.] Tall Arab: I'm out! Osama: Out of what? Tall Arab: You know our contest? To see who can go the longest without... you know... Mullah Mohammed: Having relations with a donkey? Tall Arab: [pointing at him] Giddyup! That's the one. I'm out! [Audience laughs and cheers] Announcer: And at ten, stay tuned for the show that's sweeping the nation: The Taliban's Funniest Home Videos! [Cut to a clone of "America's Funniest Home Videos." The host is reading off the three finalists for funniest video of the week.] Marwan Saget: Finalist number one. Woman is raped and beaten for reading a book. [Audience applauds] Marwan Saget: Finalist number two. Young boy urinates on American flag. [Loud audience cheers] Marwan Saget: Finalist number three. Shrapnel from car bomb hits man in the testicles. [More cheering from audience] Marwan Saget: And now... [drum roll] The winner of a new machine gun and the title of the Taliban's funniest home video. Shrapnel hits man in testicles! [Very loud cheering from audience as the video is replayed. A car blows up, and a nearby man clutches his groin and falls to the ground. A comical "BOINK!" is added to the video.] Marwan Saget: [interviewing the winner] Tell me good sir. How were you fortunate enough to obtain this video? Winner: Well I was standing outside the home of a top diplomat when... [Two large men come from off camera and start throwing rocks at the winner.] Host: [angrily] Sinner! The proper answer is "Praise Allah and the Taliban. My life for him!" Stone the sinner and shed his infidel blood! [Audience laughs] Announcer: All this and more, coming this week on Taliban TV! Catch our new "must see" Tuesday night, because Allah will punish you if you don't! [end] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Luke Skywalker Posted October 8, 2001 Share Posted October 8, 2001 I SAW THAT!!! It was on TV! That was soooo funny!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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