Twenty Tweleve (2012)

[Sabretooth]

Let us first see the events that have been set to occur in the stipulated year:

 

* 1 January - Poland, Bulgaria, and Latvia are set to adopt the Euro.

No doubt a Neocommunist plot to sabotage the European economy, this adoption of the European currency by previously Soviet nations should not go without suspicion. What secret technique does Russia have in plan? What is Putin thinking?

 

* 15 January - Presidential elections in Finland.

After seizing the European economy, communist parties will then gain victory in the Finnish elections, ensuring their hold on Scandinavia and instituting a pro-Nordic Scandinavian government that will soon take all of Northern Europe.

 

13 January–22 - The first Winter Youth Olympics will be held in Innsbruck, Austria.

Demonstrating their Aryan prowess in Austria, the Unified Nations of Scandinavia will then go on to win over the host nation in their support, soon overrunning surrounding nations and territories by their lethal propaganda.

 

31 January - 433 Eros, the second-largest Near Earth Object on record (size 13x13x33 km) will pass Earth at 0.1790 astronomical units (26,778,019 km, 16,639,090 mi).

A gross miscalculation by NASA will be revealed by a young German scientist, and while refuted at first, a cosmic accident causes the Eros' path to divert and crash into Europe, causing a horrendously large crater at what was once Vatican City. Christians world over go into turmoil and NASA is officially dissolved for inefficiency and moral responsibility.

 

5 February - Super Bowl XLVI will be played at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Super Bowl is overrun as the superior Aryan athletes invade the teams, ousting American players by their intensely superior capabilities. XLVI marks the first Super Bowl to be international, catered to an international audience and featuring advertisements in 20 different languages.

 

6 February - Queen Elizabeth II will celebrate her Diamond Jubilee. A series of festivities across the United Kingdom and Commonwealth of Nations will likely run throughout the year.

The Queen makes a fantastic speech that is applauded by all the bored watchers of the BBC, at the end of which she says a curt "Goodbye!" and disappears into thin air, before live television. She is never seen again, neither is her special Royal Ring. Prince Harry is subsequently sent on a quest by Prime Minister Gandalf Brown Grey.

 

1 April - The United States Census of 1940 data is released to the public.

Outrage breaks out when Adolf Hitler is included in the Census. It is later revealed that it was a poor April Fool's joke.

 

17 April - The United States will cede wartime control of the military of the Republic of Korea after 50 years and dissolve the Combined Forces Command. Two distinct military commands (South Korea and the United States) will operate in Korea during wartime, rather than one unified command under the Combined Forces Command.

North Korea takes this opportunity to prepare for war and lines its borders with troops and puts nukes on high alert. The world is in high tension.

 

May - French Presidential election

Overrun by the Aryan Party for Communist Progress, France becomes part of the New European Union (NEU), causing further diplomatic tensions across the globe.

 

May - Irish general election is due to be held if the current government remains in office for a full term.

With Ireland won over, Irish terrorist groups secretly funded by NEU blow up the English Houses of Parliament to the tune of Tchaikovsky. The US and England immediately throw an ultimatum on Russia to hand over Tchaikovsky's descendants.

 

20 May - Annular solar eclipse, a Sunday.

In the darkness that ensues, Tchaikovsky's descendants escape Russia into Kazakhstan, where they become exporters of potassium undercover. Russia allows the US to probe it and look for Tchaikovskys, thereby retaining its innocent image. The NEU extends a helping hand to Russia and includes it.

 

6 June - The second and last solar transit of Venus of the century.

Bouncing off the Earth, 433 Eros crashes onto Venus.

 

9 June – 1 July - The 2012 European Football Championship will be played in Poland and Ukraine.

Now titled the NEUFC, a mass scandal breaks out when a number of Israeli athletes are attacked by unknown assailants. In an eye-for-an-eye policy, the Mossad attacks unknown athletes across the world.

 

1 July - Presidential Elections in Mexico.

The Mayans Were Right party gains public favour through the media and pro-conspiracy outlets, forcing Mayan rules upon the population, including public nudity, ritual sacrifices and worship of Mayan gods. Also, a death warrant is issued on Mel Gibson. The US refuses to extradite Gibson, causing tensions between the two nations.

 

18 July–21 - The 2012 World Rowing Championships will be held at Plovdiv, Bulgaria.

Once again, scandal takes place when 4chan members spam the championships with the call of "ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH" and cause several athletes to die by becoming an heros. Moot is declared an enemy of the state by NEU and all members of "anonymous" are declared terrorists, which causes millions of deaths across Europe. Tensions rise between America/Britain and the NEU.

 

27 July - Opening ceremony of the 2012 Summer Olympics begins in London at 7:30 pm UTC, 8:30pm BST.

The opening ceremony is shunned as utterly boring and British as compared to '08 Beijing. The NEU offers to improve England's Olympic ceremonies if they join. England declines.

 

12 August - Closing ceremony of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, a Sunday.

Mass protests in Britain when ceremony workers decide to not work on account of Sunday. The poor fare is ridiculed by Chinese and NEU media, causing the event organiser to commit suicide and Britain to issue a public apology.

 

29 August - Start of the 2012 Summer Paralympics.

The Paralympics are also won over the superior Aryans of the NEU.

 

9 September - End of the 2012 Summer Paralympics.

British citizens are caught in an assassination plot in the ending ceremony, and instantly beheaded. England teeters on war, calling on America for assistance. North Korea looks on expectantly.

 

19 October - at 01:36 UTC, the Earth will be home to 7 billion people, according to the US Census Bureau.

After their poor joke on April Fool's, the US Census Bureau loses all credibility and is forced to dissolve, and nobody learns the true population of the world.

 

6 November - The United States Presidential, Senate, and House of Representatives elections.

Despite a fairly successful career as President, Obama loses out against Sarah Palin in the presidential elections, who assumes power immediately because that's they way they do things in Alaska. Probes reveal that this was done by 4chan, confirming that Internet-based national elections were a bad idea. The election committee is also dissolved. Sarah Palin declares the Internet and Yahoo! illegal for fraud and defamation.

 

6 November - Puerto Rico general election.

Mayan extremists sabotage the elections, taking control of Puerto Rico my military force.

 

13 November - Total solar eclipse (visible in northern Australia and the South Pacific).

Some people in Australia look at it.

 

28 November - Penumbral lunar eclipse.

Nobody bothers.

 

December - Presidential elections in South Korea to elect the 18th President.

Fearing their losing power over the US, the elections are won by a US-backed party, that swiftly makes South Korea one of the Unites States. North Korea unleashes attack. Seoul is destroyed, as is Pyongyang. With the Glorious Leader killed, the people of North Korea commit mass suicide, which is viewed by the world as a mass-slaughter by the United States. The NEU prepares for war.

 

1 December - The next President of Mexico will be inaugurated.

President Smoke Jaguar declares the US a hostile state and agrees to partner with the NEU. Cuba agrees to join up with them, and nukes are sent over. When the US intercepts the nuke delivery, the NEU declares war on the US. Nukes fly.

 

3 December - Jupiter oppositions.

Thunder and Lighting fills the skies as allfather Jupiter rides across the skies, throwing death and despair across assorted countries of the world. He is met by fierce opposition from Earth and declared a drunk senile God.

 

21 December - 11:11 UTC. Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere, Summer Solstice in the Southern Hemisphere.

Oden rises from his sleep and Fimbulwinter begins at this specific time. Ice covers the ruins of America and NEU, and the Viking pantheon is unleashed against the Greco-Roman. Ragnarok has begun.

 

21 December - The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the Maya civilization among others of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, completes its thirteenth b'ak'tun cycle since the calendar's mythical starting point (equivalent to 11 August 3114 BC in the proleptic Gregorian calendar, according to the "GMT-correlation" JDN= 584283).

The Mayans use their hidden weapon, programmed to be unleashed at the specific time the calendar ends. A calculator manages to DIVIDE BY ZERO, causing a mass black hole to start spreading outwards from Tenochtitlan. Mayan gods laugh at the battling Vikings and Greco-Romans.

 

31 December - The Kyoto Protocol will expire.

Greenhouse emissions go up the roof, causing China and India to die of suffocation and environmental pollution. The world comes to an end, with Europe destroyed by Ragnarok, America by the Mayan Black Hole and Asia by global warming. Africa remains untouched, but as chaotic and monstrous as ever.