brief Posted April 11, 2002 Share Posted April 11, 2002 Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect, got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this: TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ His shoelaces are hardly ever untied Doesn't pick his nose in public Has never put a red shirt in with the whites Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left? Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures of African gorillas His cat seems to like him Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup Knows the capital of Eritrea Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear on the first date Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle he began in 1981 He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez Very rarely has homicidal tendencies Makes excellent use of his spare time DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY He subscribes to the theory that the world is round He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day He found Waldo Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men' Has never found rude shapes in clouds Tries not to giggle when he cuts one Has never blatantly misused a blender Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when no one is looking Wears male undergarments Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit by a falling meteorite Is an accomplished tv-watcher Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition Has Patrick Roy's autograph Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros." Rarely stares directly at the sun Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60 So far, has never resorted to cannibalism Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up Has no communicable diseases No tyrannical system of government is named after him Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away for Gary Leeman Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault competition Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal' Has never suffered from lockjaw Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas Excellent at compiling purposeless lists Would give up his appendix for the right woman Great with kids; even better with roast beef Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got his cheese to stick to in grade six. Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many other places in the world Has managed so far not to decapitate himself Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches' Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver' Has never locked himself in a car Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear Does not use cruel mouse traps Has never let Frank Sinatra down Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon Very rarely has delusions of God Never placed a bet with Pete Rose It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a telephone cord Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard Rarely eats paste between meals Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!' just before a fatality Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963 Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in his hair And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where you can't see it Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in a bath-tub At Speedy, he's a somebody At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally in under 30 minutes Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven Hawking in a fair fight Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a small rodent inside The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly unfounded No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80 It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea Arthur Come on, he's not *that* much of an eyesore! Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth' Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal were unreliable As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous breathing There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight Nevers pees in someone else's sink His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't CONTRARY TO WHAT ONE MIGHT THINK, NO, THIS IS NOT THE STUPIDEST THING THAT ROB HAS EVER DONE. BUT IT'S IN THE TOP 118. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoE GurL Posted April 11, 2002 Share Posted April 11, 2002 LMAO!:D:D That was hell funny! Did he ever get the girl? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted April 11, 2002 Author Share Posted April 11, 2002 I would think he at least got a date out of that, but I honestly don't know.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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