Feedback on a fan fic anyone?

[Hikeeba]

Ok, this is a first draft of part of a Star Wars fan fic I started writing about an hour ago just for fun. Not supposed to be anything great or particularly accurate, just a fun read hopefully. So, what do you think?

 

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Now here was a situation that didn't happen every day. On one side was what was left of the Empire. On the other was a pack of bounty hunters. On a third side was the Rebellion turned New Republic. And on yet a fourth side, the new Jedi. This is probably what happens when you're not a good little Jedi. Or a big bad Jedi. The life of an outlaw has never been easy, but the life of an outlaw Jedi was just getting rediculous. The unable to keep to the straight and narrow but still not evil Jedi Therin Hwroen was fast learning what happens when you get yourself stuck in the middle.

 

“It wasn't supposed to be like this, damnit!” muttered the lone Jedi as he deflected yet another blaster bolt and leaped up to an open window. “Damn. Just damn.” He dove through as a hail of blaster fire impacted around him. He was a Jedi for crying out loud. These kinds of things aren't supposed to happen to Jedi. Thankfully all he had to worry about for now was blasters. And thermal detonators. Leave it to a bounty hunter to throw a bloody thermal detonator through a window and mess up someone's nice, clean living room. Feeling confident he was free for a while he slumped against a wall and shut down his lightsaber. He glanced at the window quizzically. “Nah. They'll be too busy with the blasters to get up here this soon.” Just then a thermal detonator clinked down on the floor. A quick burst of the ever handy force speed had Therin clear of the blast. Unfortunately the living room wasn't quite so lucky.

 

“Bastards have absolutely no respect. Sure I came in uninvited, but at least I didn't blow the place up.” The steady hum of a lightsaber snapped him out of his musing and he made for the door. He was getting ready to push it down when it opened and he crashed right into the owner. They rolled into the wall together as one of the many pursuing Jedi stepped into out of the living room and started to move toward the still sprawled Hwroen. Almost instinctively Therin sprang to his feet and tossed his saber at his pursuer, the blade still extending in flight. It was deflected of course, but as it came back to his hand the blade slashed and ignited a gas line. The ensuing explosion provided enough of a distraction for him to grab the hand of his safety net and tear of down the hall. Smuggler, liar, thief, con man though he was, he wasn't going to leave someone in this war zone if he could help it. Besides, he thought he felt a pair of breasts attached to the body he fell on.

 

Rounding a corner he force pushed a blaster toting bounty hunter through a window and ignited his saber in time to cleave off the arm of another. He cringed a little at the sound of his victim's scream. He didn't like hurting people. It gave him indigestion. Taking money was one thing, but breaking thumbs never agreed with him. Holding on to the hand of his companion for the time being he barreled down the stairs deflecting blaster bolts and slashing at whatever looked dangerous. Or felt dangerous. That was one nice thing about The Force. You didn't have to see danger to know it was there.

 

He came out on the opposite of the building he had jumped in to, looked around, and breathed a small sigh of relief. It was a woman. And an attractive one at that. Another nice thing was the apparent lack of action on this side. Judging from the sound of things on the other side of the building it was more confused over there than he had previously thought. Whoever said there's opportunity in chaos would be laughing in triumph right now. A few bounty hunters ran around the corner and Therin took off again as he deflected the shots back at their points of origin. He didn't mind doing that. After all, they shouldn't have been shooting at him in the first place.

 

The empty streets were both a blessing and a curse to him. No one who wasn't involved would get hurt, but he also couldn't disappear in the crowd. Still it didn't sound like it would be neccesary for him to do so. The war was starting to die down. Either because of distance or there were a lot of dead people back there. Both possibilities sounded equally good to him right now. Although the idea of his pursuers killing each other off was particularly nice.

 

Suddenly Therin realized he was nearing the central market and kept his saber and shoved it into his coat pocket. The market would be busy no matter what was going on. That was one reason he liked this city. If there was an earthquake people would be buying and selling. It was a nice place to make a quick buck and an even better place to disappear. He slowed down as he turned the corner to the market and tightened his grip on the lady's hand. He turned to look at her. She looked worried and like she wanted to get as far away from him as possible but was too scared to try. That was good. He wouldn't hurt her but if she thought he would, that made what came next easier.

 

They disappeared into the crowd just as Therin felt a group of those particularly strong in the force approaching. He had some time, but not much. Making his way to the space port that resided in the center of the market he began to figure out a way off of this planet. His ship was certainly being watched. If the original owner hadn't repoed it that is. Thankfully, an answer to his prayers smacked him right in the face. A rusty old Corellian transport was just settling down in it's parking space. The ramp dropped and a well dressed yet scruffy looking pilot walked down and over to a rather important looking individual. If he was actually important was anyone's guess, but he looked dressed for the part.

 

The outlaw Jedi watched and held on to his unwilling friend's hand. Soon a woman and a couple of kids came down the ramp. What looked like a security detail took their places around the ship. The scruffy looking pilot, the woman, and the two kids walked off and Therin moved in. A few waves of his hand and some implanted suggestions about forgetting later Mr. Hwroen and his companion were walking up the ramp on business.

[Lord_FinnSon]

Interesting. It's always the best way to start a story and go right into action just like you did, so that people get interested reading it right from the start. You could however remove some of that cursing, but keep witty, sarcastic attitude of Therin intact.

 

It seemed to me that this was the first chapter, right? If so, in second you could formally introduce Therin Hwroen and why he's dragging this woman along with him and then explain what they were doing in that house/city in the first place. Some of this information could be easily revealed through discussion between these two characters (or perhaps third party) and at the same time you can start to fleshen out what kind individuals they are; not all at the same time though, because you better leave some "secrets" to be revealed at the later time.

[Hikeeba]

Thanks!

 

I am planning on a bit of exposition in the 2nd chapter. And the cursing will be going away, but right now it's kind of important since it's leaving in-story.

 

And I think I should say this now: The main thing I'm shooting for is entertainment value, so don't expect everything to line up perfectly with the universe.

[Lord_FinnSon]

And I think I should say this now: The main thing I'm shooting for is entertainment value, so don't expect everything to line up perfectly with the universe.

Don't worry about that. Even professional writers who write SW books make continuity errors or describe something that is not from that Universe at all.

 

Besides, writing a story is a complex process. First you just have to let it all out and write it down without thinking too much how rediculous stuff you may come up. Only then, when you basically have finished the writing part and have outlines of whole story complete, you read it through carefully and start to take out all those grammar errors, for example, and tweak what your characters say, situations and possibly even rewrite some part of the story again.

 

It's much easier that way than trying to make magnificent text from the beginning(that way it will only take you for ages to get it completed).