Jedi_Monk Posted August 2, 2002 Share Posted August 2, 2002 I wrote this just a little while ago for a "story in an hour" contest called Jedi Writers' Guild Presents. Any comments would be great! A Shadow in the Dark The moon was unimportant, a footnote in galactic charts, having no name of its own but called the fourth moon of Yavin, the orange supergiant that it orbitted... Night descended heavy beneath the thick jungle canopy. The only lights that now penetrated the darkness were the isolated shafts produced by glowrods mounted to the Rebel Scouts' rifles. Using only these and a rough computer map displayed on a datapad worn around their wrists for guidance, the Scouts carefully picked their way between laden trees, thick brush and creepers. Insects chirped and buzzed and flitted unseen by the Scouts unless they intercected the lightbeams, animals howled in the distance. Everything was damp; drops of dew fell through the leaves and rolled lazily down Commander Cantian's face--a cool kiss against his sweaty face. The heat was the first thing he noticed upon disembarking their shuttle. It had hit him like the breath of an oven, even in the night. But he made no complaint, nor did his men, elite troops, disciplined, the best the Rebellion had to offer. The troops trailed behind him, their boots the faintest of whispers upon dead leaves and twigs that were not even dry enough to crack underfoot. Cantian looked down at the rendered map glowing faintly on his wrist to check their position. For the heartbeat that it took for his mind to register what he saw, his face was lit by the dim green light. There was nothing unique about Cantian's face, in fact literally millions throughout the galaxy shared his features. He was a defected Imperial Stormtrooper of the original stock, just over thirty years old but appearing sixty. He turned his eyes back to the cluttered terrain. In broad daylight and without the foliage, he might have been able to see the Temple by now, but instead he saw only a half-dozen circles of textured green... Cantian parted a bundle of vines with the nozzle of his rifle and slinked through the opening. His beam of light swept from the lush grass to sparkling stone as he straightened. The circle of light marched up the cracked and pitted surface and still the peak of the great pyramid lay out of range. He whistled his appreciation of the primatively built work. "She's a beauty, isn't she?" his Executive Officer, Hime said from near at hand, the inadequate beam of his glowrod joining Cantian's on the carved stone. "Four thousand years old and doubtless still as marvelous as the day she was capped. It's amazing that such a privative race as the Massassi could build something like that without the aid of load lifters, hydraulic cranes... all the tech they take for granted on Coruscant. But there ain't nothing to compare with her in Imperial City." "Galactic City," Cantian corrected and the XO nodded his head concedingly. "It looks in good shape from the outside, but for all we can see her interior might be completely caved in. Won't do us much good as a base then, will it? Is everyone here?!" he shouted and one by one the six men under his command sounded off. They found the entrance, a massive portal five meters high and three times as long, the omnipresent creepers drooping like trimming on the lintel. The troops weren't far into the Temple when their footsteps began to echo. "Let's get a little more light," Cantian ordered, removing an industrial glowrod from his utility belt and activating it. The others did the same and the chamber came into a dusky sight. Even here, mist floated freely about the flagstones. "Looks to be in good shape, commander," Lieutenant Stos said, turning around in a circle to take everything in. They fanned out so that their orb of personal illumination just brushed that of the person beside them, spreading their light further so they could find the shadowy side passageways. They found several branching out from the chamber and Cantian thought it best to split up. "I've got a bad feeling about this, commander," Private Dreck said with an unsuppressable shiver. After the blazing heat of the jungle, this place felt frigid to him and his skin prickled beneath his combat uniform. But the coldness affected him in a deeper way than physical; he felt that he was in the presence of death. "Begging your pardon, commander, but I think we should stick together." Cantian gave the young soldier a skeptical side-long glance, but after a brief mental debate he decided to take Dreck's advice. The kid had notions sometimes that bordered on pre-cognition, and the commander had learned to trust Dreck's instincts. "Alright, agreed. We'll take the far-left passage. Lay tracers, people! I don't want to get lost in this decaying labyrinth!" The passage led down, beneath the surface of the moon and the coldness increased. "Hime, Sir, if you don't mind me asking..." Dreck waited for the XO to give him leave to continue, "You seem to know a lot about these temples, Sir. Do you think there's any truth in what they say... about Sith Lords commanding the Massassi to build these monuments?" "I reckon not, Private," Hime replied with a dry chuckle. "According to every history book I've ever read, the Sith Brotherhood only came into existance, oh, about two thousand years ago. Half as long as they'd've had to have been around to be involved with the building of these temples. I know all the myths, about the Hyperspace War and the Sith War and Exar Kun and Freedon Nadd and all that as well as anyone whose mother used to tell them ghost stories... but I don't see how there could be any truth to them." Hime's words brought no comfort. Dreck's hands wouldn't stop shaking, now, his teeth were a constant, rapid clicking in his head. He thought that his skin was turning blue, but perhaps that was a trick of the sterile light of the glowrods. That was about when the whispering started in his head. Dreck's eye twitched, and he shook his head trying to clear the barely audible voice that droned on at the edge of his consciousness. The deeper they went into the bowels of the temple and with each descending step the volume of the voice increased, but still he couldn't understand a word of it. But the emotion driving the voice was clear and penetrating. The primal aggression that soaked into him through his fledgeling link to the Force was so intense that it seemed to become almost his own. The Private fought to keep hold of his sanity, falling away with each step. At last, he could bear it no more without going mad and he stopped in his tracks. "Sir... I think..." he swollowed, his mouth dry, his tongue heavy and unwieldy. "I think someone's here." "I don't see anything, kid," Cantian said, peering into the darkness. "It's not something you can see, sir... it's something that..." Dreck's words halted in mid-sentence, his mouth gaping. Where a moment ago, he couldn't make his limbs stop twitching, now he couldn't get them to move at all. He was frozen in fear because the shadows pressed like conscious things about the fringe of artificial light. The darkness moved like the mist that shrouded the moon, insubstantial yet there and oh, so cold. Cantian followed his gaze, squinting and saw nothing, felt nothing, was unafraid. "You alright, son?" he asked. Dreck, still paralyzed, made no reply. He stared, unable to blink, as the shadows gathered, took shape and became the form of a man in long, all-encompassing robes. It seemed to him that he could see phantom lips move in sync with the words speaking in his mind. "I don't think you're fit for duty right now, son," Cantian said gently, placing a gloved hand on Dreck's stiff shoulder. Drek barely heard his commander, so deafening was the shadow's voice. "They say there are things," Cantian continued, "viruses, insect bites, on these uninhabited jungle worlds that can take a man's sense in a snap and kill him in two. Go back topside, get to the shuttle. Lieutenant Stos? You escort him." Stos nodded and took hold of Dreck's arm. To Dreck alone--halucinating or experiencing a vision from the universe beneath and unseen by those without the Force--the shadow had advanced well into the circle of light, an arm outstretched to the Private. Stos tugged on Dreck's arm, got him moving backward and up the incline. The shadow fell behind, the voice grew quieter as the space between Dreck and the vision increased. It wouldn't be discovered until they had reached the shuttle that Dreck's nose and ears were bleeding, red screaks lining his cheeks and chin, and dripping onto the collar of his uniform creating deep red stains... -fin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Talliusc Posted August 2, 2002 Share Posted August 2, 2002 i like the story, its well written but im sort of offended by the sig. i was wondering as to why you hate the EU. and why you say qui-gon said that. im very confused in general about your sig. and BTW the EU books bring in alot of money that gets sent off to lucasfilm to make better movies so they have some benefits no matter how much you dislike them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Monk Posted August 2, 2002 Author Share Posted August 2, 2002 This thread is supposed to be for people to comment about my stories on, not for people to ridicule me because of my sig--which I've had after every single one of my posts for almost a month. No offense, but if you want to talk to me about my views on the EU, start another thread or reply to me on one of the EU vs. Canon threads I've posted on. BTW, the quote comes from this site: EU-pisode II: The Exploited Universe. It's a hilarious parody of the EU when held up to the light of the Lucas' canon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Slayne Posted August 2, 2002 Share Posted August 2, 2002 How'd you go in the comp? Crikey! But thats a pretty good story. You write in a style that I love reading more than anything else; Attention to detail! It's always the little and seemingly insignificant things around the characters that makes a story come to life in my oppinion. Bravo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Talliusc Posted August 2, 2002 Share Posted August 2, 2002 sorry, i didnt mean to ridicule you. i just was looking for an explanation because i was curious. thank you for explaining it. as for your complaint that this is in the wrong thread. i DID comment on your story i said i liked it and that it was well written. dont act offended because somebody wants to know something. back to the topic at hand, i think that some of the most endearing traits of your story are the facts that you know how to spell (i cry when people post stories that butcher our language) and that you know where punctuation is needed. thank you for taking the time (and probably the spellchecker) to polish this story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtroop Posted August 5, 2002 Share Posted August 5, 2002 thts a good story if your wrote it in one hour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtroop Posted August 5, 2002 Share Posted August 5, 2002 heres a short one that i wrot ewhich has been going around for a couple of weeks The empires grip As the empire steped from his starship into the death stars hanger.The general was there to greet him with open arms like a brother or something.The empire ignored the genral rushing pass him he ran to the back of the hanger to the lift he could sense the light side here.He reached for his belt suddenly swinging his arm upwards with a red saber in his hand as he was approching the top floor.The light side was becoming even more unbarable the empire maid mara jade was shaking all though see was tring to hide it from her master.I cna sense your felling mara whats wrong with you.you know you cant hide your nerves frome me said the empire.I know master she replied.DINGGGG.Went the lifts bell.Darth vader and mara steeped fromn the lift quick go back int o th lift mara.Vader swung his light saber suddenly in a horzantall block.Smashing a young rebels saber away the empire jumped up in the air it seemed like miles he then came smashing down just missing the rebels side with his saber.So you think you can beat me young rebel.There was no reply well shouted the lord.Suddenly and swiftly vader swang his sword at the rebel while still shouting.The empire went into a frenzy suddenly probally the silence that did it.The empire was swinging and smashing anything in his way the young rebel pushed his hood off and grabbed his saber.The rebel was blocking everyswing as the twos lightsabers collinded toghether buzzing and spiiting everything of there sabers was blowing,everything inside the saber blew To be contined Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Monk Posted August 5, 2002 Author Share Posted August 5, 2002 Thanks Slayne! Like I always say: Star Wars is a visual experience, and if you want to capture the SW feeling for your readers, you have to paint a picture for them in their mind. If you like my style then I've got about thirty other stories (mostly short, like this one, but a few that're novella-length) up on this website: Jedi Writers' Guild. But the story I think is my best isn't up on the JWG, yet except for the first two chapters (which I've edited a lot since I submitted them). If you want me to post more of my stories, lemme know! Oh, yeah, and I won the competition! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Slayne Posted August 6, 2002 Share Posted August 6, 2002 Nice one Jedi_Monk! (About winning the comp) I'll check out your stories after posting here. I myself at the moment am attempting to write a full lenght novel, though its not Star Wars related, but rather medievil fantasy. The stories I've posted here are deliberately kept short so that readers don't feel intimidated as to its shear length (that and the fact that I don't know just how long a post is alowed to be). Anyhow, keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dissectional Posted August 6, 2002 Share Posted August 6, 2002 *Stares awkwardly in awe* Damn, that was good. The details, the descriptions, and the settings painted a perfect picture in my head. You are quite the outstanding author Monk, keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormtroop Posted August 9, 2002 Share Posted August 9, 2002 yeah i agree thts a pretty magnifisant story im putting storys on my site whant to have yours put up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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