Story Review Needed Please

[Lost Welshman]

Hello Everyone! This isn't about an adventure game but It is an Adventure story so I think IM safe. Its not finished, ive only done chapter one and most of two. Its a fantasy story again, but the main aim was to create a new fantasy world, with a slightly comedic twist. Enjoy!

 

Here is a sort of intro with a cover and a map! . Most of the place names are other things written backwards. So i'm not good at making up names .

 

 

The Melon, an obvious name for a world that can only be described as melon shaped. Although the inhabitants don't have the technology to know this. The Melon is located so far away from the galaxy we live in, that it is said to be found in another dimension. I don't really want to explain as my mind will turn to goop, much like what happened during the ice-cream incident, but that’s a different story. The planet was huge, so much bigger than the earth that each island was completely isolated from the rest. It took years to travel from one island to the other, and due to the fact that most people are too lazy to most people just stayed where they were. There were of course the odd small island off the coast of the larger ones. The smallest main island was the island of Nomel, named by the sdrawkcab man, a founder of three more islands; Acirema and Adnagu. He was too bored and getting too old to travel after naming the fourth island, which some say he made rather than found. This was the island of Ycaripsnoc.

 

The people of Melon looked very much like the average human, in fact, they were humans. Except they focused on wisdom, rather than technology. But, as with technology comes destruction, with wisdom comes a great responsibility, oh and wizards of course. Now with modern day laws, people have to undergo a test before beginning to become a wizard. The fact that most people are either too lazy to become wizards, or can’t be bothered, not that many people became wizards. Most joined some sort of army, or stayed home and worked on fields. Another rare lot of people were those who didn’t really belong to a group, they become something, like a sort of adventurer. Basically, Only the people who get bored, and aren’t lazy become adventurers.

 

The story is set on the island of Nomel. Why? You ask, simply because it’s where the characters of this story are found. Xéla and Brian, the two most skilled ‘adventurers’ in the village of Tenapele. I say adventurers, although they never actually went on any adventures, that is until I started to write this story. Brian was the youngest of the two, he had balck hair that nearly came over his eyes, and a sort of confused look on his face. He didn’t look dopey, just confused. Xéla was Brians best friend. She had long black hair, and was an expert with a bow, and short swords and stuff like that.

 

The village of Tenapele was a very nice place to live. Full of trees and grassy knolls, and large fields. It was surrounded by large forests full of nasty creatures. The planet was coincidentally full of all those nasty creatures that people supposedly made up. You know, things like werewolves and giant spiders, outside the forest was the open lands, which lead to more forests, and more open land. Eventually ending up at either a mountain, another village or town, and sometimes cities. If you’re unlucky, or just stupid, you could end up in Orc territory, which isn’t really that nice.

 

The Orcs were large creatures, bigger than the average man, and stronger, a lot stronger. They have beast-like faces, often covered in blood, wither for decoration or because they never washed. As you’ve probably gathered the Orcs weren’t very nice.

 

 

 

The Island of Nomel is the smallest of all the islands on The Melon. With five surrounding, smaller Islands. Nomel is full of villages and cities, only a few have been pointed out. Tenapele, the home village of our hero’s Brian and Xéla. Surrounded by the spiraling forests that swoop arounf the mountains and head west across the island.

 

The largest section of forest is marked the wood of ‘thingums’, although most forests contained things that you wouldn't think possible. But this forest was different, it was more of a city. A woodland city.

 

Noslem is the largest City in Nomel, very close toTenapele, but still a few days walk. About a weeks walk if you want to survive, due to the forests being dangerous at night, and day time too.

 

The Port of Nomel is pretty much just the port of Nomel. Its where all of the people who can be bothered to travel come in. Due to the fact that it looks really tropical and stuff.

 

The Plains are where even nastier creatures than the forest dwellers live. Orcs, huge wild beasts, and also nasty wizard blokes.

 

The Mountain Paths, the not very good name for a not very nice place. Although some of it has very nice views, you don’t really want to be there. Outcasts and strangle people live there, among the vicious beasts of course.

[Lost Welshman]

Chapter One:

The Creature

 

Lets get on with the story then. The day was Tuesday, a very bright Tuesday in the middle of July. July for us that is, for them it was Orange. It just so happened that The Melon was exactly the right distance from their sun so that their years were exactly the same. Xéla was walking down the road, past the very small market place. Brian jumped out of nowhere and into Xéla. ‘What are you doing Brian?’ She asked,

‘No time to explain just run.’ Brian said as he pushed Xéla in the other direction. Brian quickly ran, jumping over small boxes and avoiding the people in his path, Xéla followed. She was a lot faster than Brian but there was no point in trying to get further ahead because she didn’t know where they were heading.

 

Brian continued to dodge anything that got in his way, until they finally reached the boarders of a forest. The old fat man had stopped chasing them as they entered one of the small fields on the edge of the village. ‘OK, we’re here now so do you mind telling me what that was all about!’

‘Sorry Xéla, I thought that I could do with a few apples so I took some’

‘Why on melon would you want apples? You’ve got plenty in your house.’ Xéla asked although she knew that Brian wouldn’t know why he took them, he would just come up with some weird answer. ‘I figured that if I took an apple from the market then I wouldn't have to go home and get one.’ Brian said while fumbling through a bag that he was carrying. He began mumbling to himself then gave a quick call of relief, ‘here they are!’. Brian held the bottom of the bag and emptied some of the content of the bag onto the leaves that made a sort of carpet on the floor. First of all a book fell out, Brian’s diary. Then some stones fell out, don't ask, then with a quick shake of the bag out poured a load of apples. ‘Why did you get all those apples!’ Xéla asked, ‘never mind, pass me one.’ She said as she sat down leaning against the tree. She went to take a bite of the apple but blew her hair out of her face first. Brain sat there watching. She looked up at him, ‘What?’ she said,

‘Nothing’ Brian replied in an unusually casual tone. Brian looked around the forest, he saw a small rabbit hop from behind a tree. He threw a bit of apple and the rabbit hopped over and ate it. Brian looked up to the top of the trees. He sat there for a while, eating an apple and he noticed the leaves shake and a strange figure seemed to leap from one tree to another. He knew it wasn't a monkey, as they can’t survive on their island. Not due to climate and things like that, it was due to the fact that quite a few little creatures loved the taste of them. Brian froze, wide eyes looking up and the top of the trees. Xéla blew he hair out of the way again and noticed Brian staring up with a scared, confused look on his face. ‘What is it?’ She asked as she grabbed the handle of her sword. ‘There’s something in the trees’ Brian said,

‘It was probably a bird’ Xéla replied releasing the sword. Suddenly there was a huge snapping sound and something fell from above, snapping the branches as it fell, Xéla fired an arrow into the creature. It was hard to make out what it looked like because it was in darkness when it fell. All Brian saw was a large yellow eye glance at him followed by a snarl. They creature darted of further into the distance. ‘What the hell was that!’ Brian asked as he took a bite into another apple.

‘I have no idea. Come on, lets head back’. Xéla was very relaxed at the fact that a strange creature dropped out of the trees and snarled at them in a kind of demonic way. The two headed back to the market to return the apples, going over the story of how they fell into Brian’s bag, and how some of them must have been taken by the person they were chasing when they left the stall.

 

That night the sky was clear, and there were lots of stars visible. Brian had the strangest feeling that one of them was mooning him as he lay there trying to get to sleep. Next door Xéla was also awake, staring out of the window wondering about the creature they saw earlier that day. The only thing that she could see was the piercing eyes. It obviously wasn’t a werewolf, one reason was that it wasn't a full moon, or night time for that matter, the other was the fact that dogs cant climb trees. Not even on The Melon. Xéla lay there in bed looking out at the stars, until she heard a noise from the kitchen. It was the back door.

 

Xéla crept closer to the kitchen door, with her sword held up to the side. She opened the door slowly, and it made a huge creek. Xéla looked around as if to say, ‘I didn't do it’. Then after a pause she jumped into the room and swung the sword round, checking the corners. Nothing. Xéla was worried, she usually has very good hearing and its not like her to hear things that aren't there, that’s more of a Brian thing. Just before leaving the room she checked the ceiling, but that was clear as well. As Xéla closed the door behind her she heard another thud, she burst back into the room but it was empty. She closed the door again, this time placing a heavy chest in front of it.

 

 

The next morning Xéla was awoken by the sound of Brian’s voice from the Kitchen. ‘Mornin’,’ he said as he pulled the key from the door, ‘You have to see the village its totally wre…’ Brian hit his head as he tried to open the door into the hallway. Xéla moved the chest and walked back to her room. Brian opened the door and she walked out again rubbing he eye and yawning, ‘What time is it?’ She asked, there was a pause as Brian leant against the wall recovering from the crash . ‘Its eight o’clock’. Xéla gave out a tired moan, and then jumped onto her bed and buried her head in her pillow. ‘Close the door, so I can change out of these clothes’ a muffled voice said to Brian. He closed the door and waited in the kitchen.

 

When Xéla was ready the two headed outside. It was still slightly dark, but the sun was rising. Xéla was shocked, everything was wrecked. There were huge dents in her kitchen door, and scratch marks as well. It was the same all over the village, some doors were completely knocked down. ‘My guess is revenge, remember that beast thing?’ Xéla pointed out. Brian Gasped,

‘So that thing’s after us? Eek! Lets go and find it. It’s probably sleeping after last night.’ Brian said courageously as he checked that he had his weapons. The two headed further into the village, so they could reach the forest on the other side. There was a smell of ash, some of the houses had been burned. There were families mourning, most were still sleeping. ‘Why is it so dark?’ Xéla asked, ‘Its only eight O’clock, and in Orange!’

‘I lied,’ Brian said, ‘It’s five O’clock, I knew you wouldn't get up at five, no matter what the reason was.’ Brian wasn’t as stupid as he looked, he was more, deceitful, but he never misused his ’power’. Xéla moaned and yawned, then Brian yawned. There was a sort of shockwave of yawns among the people that were crowded round the two as they marched to the forest. By the time they got to the forest boarder there was a huge crowd, all wishing them good luck as they went.

 

The forest was very eerie in the dark, with the faint sound of a cricket, chirping from the bushes. The birds were quietly talking to each other and there was a few shuffling sounds from nearby rabbit and giant rat holes. Xéla was checking for any signs on the carpet of leaves that suggested that an animal was nearby. There was nothing. As they got deeper and deeper into the forest chances of finding the creature seemed to get less and less. They decided to check a small open patch that they had often gone to as children.

 

The morning light shone through a large gap in the trees, as if it had punched its way through. The leaves waved in the breeze and all was silent. Xéla was busy checking for any signs of movement again while Brian was looking as if he knew what he was doing. He picked up a leaf and placed it in his mouth and chewed. He spat it out straight away but tried not to make a big fuss about it, after he realized how stupid the whole idea was. Brian stood there, sighing, hoping Xéla would notice so they could leave. ‘Lets go then’ she said eventually. Brian turned around and in front of him stood a massive Lizard creature. Brian gave of a sigh, that he had given off all too many times before. He then took a deep breath an shouted as loud as he could manage. The creature enjoyed every second of it, it snarled in a sort of laughing way, its eyes growing a brighter yellow as he did so. But it heard the sound of a bow string being pulled. It turned to look and with one slash of his sword Brian took off the creatures head. ‘Thanks Xéla’ Brian said gratefully. ‘No problem’ She said as she fitted the bow back onto her back.

 

Minutes later Brian and Xéla reached the forest boarder. They were looking down at the floor as they walked so they didn't see what was waiting for them. Thud! Brian walked straight into a tall, thick wooden door. Xéla knocked the door and a hatch opened. ’Ah, there you are’ The grim old face said, ‘I’ve been told that you’re not to come in. I cant tell you why but listen. Word is that something is happening. Something strange, its about “The Melon Conspiracy”, I shouldn't have told you but its important, for all of us.