little stories that i've written :)

[RicardoLuigi...]

help! i'm a rich person trapped in a homeless shelter!

 

Once upon a time… I was sitting in my office at the head building of my enterprise that was successful throughout the world. My assistant was walking into my office, telling me it was time for me to report to my weekly meeting. As he proceeded into the room, he tripped over my model of Jellybean World, which was to be one of the most highly rated theme parks in the world. It had a roller coaster whose cars were shaped like jellybeans, a water course that had rafts shaped like jellybeans, and even a mini-golf course whose putters’ ends that you hit the ball with were shaped like jellybeans. So now I would have to hire a repairman to come and fix it…again. For the fifth time. This was the final straw. I thought about it and came up with the possibility of the money coming out of his paycheck, which I hadn’t thought of before.

But then I decided to tell Richard, "Why don’t you call security and have them escort you off the premises."

"Huh?"

"In other words, YOU’RE FIRED!"

"Oh."

I started walking down the corridor towards the elevator, when the loudspeaker came on.

"There is a homeless person inside the building, who has just attempted to steal

(dollar sign) three comma zero zero zero comma zero zero zero. You figure it out. If you see someone with the possibility of being homeless, please take him with you to the entrance floor. Security will deal with him from there."

"Great," I said. "Now nobody’s going to make an effort to find him, so I’ll have to. I have to call and cancel my meeting." I heard footsteps on the floor, but nobody was allowed up here but me. I turned around slowly, and the homeless man was standing right there. He took out a pan, and he swung it at my head. There was black.

I awoke from the dark inside a place the smelled musty and sweaty and all these other smells that surely didn’t appeal to my nose. Then somebody just popped into the middle of my screen of view. I recognized him as the homeless man.

"Where…am I?"

"You’re in our homeless shelter!"

"WHAT?!" I got up and there were a bunch of homeless people walking around. "Well, how did I get here?"

"Well, after I knocked you out with my trusty paella pan, here," he showed me the pan, "I brought you here."

"Why?"

"I thought you could use your money to help us out."

"No way! And even if I was going to, you shouldn’t have done what you did! It’s called kidnapping. I could have you arrested for this!"

"Well, if I did get thrown in jail, I’d get food and good clothing. It’d be much better than this place." I threw him a sarcastic look. He smiled back at me. I rolled my eyes and stormed towards the door to leave the shelter, my eyes never leaving Hank. I walked through the first set of doors, and felt a hand stopping me.

I looked into the eyes of a big guy and he threw me back. "You can’t leave."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nobody’s allowed to leave! You should know that. All the people who live here do."

"But I don’t live here! I’m the head of the Nunamaker Enterprises."

"Yeah, when fish fly."

"Actually, there are flying fish that can live above water for a subst-"

"Okay, whatever, when pigs fly."

"But I really am Frank Nunamaker!"

"Oh, come on! Seriously, man! EVERYBODY knows that Frank Nunamaker is about 5’11", blond hair, and brown eyes. And he never goes anywhere without his red bow tie on.

"And look at you, the exact opposite. You’re about 5’1", brown hair, and blue eyes. And you’re even wearing a green bow tie, and everyone knows that red is on the opposite side of the color wheel from green. Gimme a break, you’re not him."

"What proof do you really need?"

"Got a driver’s license?"

"I don’t need one! I have my own chauffeur that drives me in my limousine to work."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"I really do!"

"Listen, no driver’s license, no leaving."

"But why?"

"It’s obvious, buddy. No homeless person has a driver’s license. Duh! So if you really didn’t live here, you’d have a driver’s license. And especially with an unrealistic alibi like that, you’re aren’t leaving this place anytime soon. Now go away. You’re just wasting my time." So I walked away, and I just knew that there was some way to get out. All I had to do was find out what that way was. I planned day and night for two weeks, until one night I came up with a master plan…

 

At 5:00 PM, my plan went into execution. I went into the bathroom, and took out my cell phone. My hands were shaking violently, I was so nervous. I reached my finger for the button when…the cell phone slipped out of my hands and fell into the toilet. There were bodily wastes and "stool" inside the toilet. I knew something smelled nasty. I had to get it out. It was my only chance at escaping. I couldn’t flush the toilet, or else the cell phone would be washed away with the water. I took some toothpaste that was sitting on the counter of the sink, obviously someone forgot to take it with them. I picked up some toilet paper rolls and the plunger. Toothpaste squirted out of the tube onto the suction cup of the plunger as I applied force to the tube. I pushed a roll of toilet paper into the suction cup, hoping that it would stick. I pushed the plunger into the toilet, and it soaked up about one fourth of the water.

I kept going with this procedure until almost all of the water was soaked up. I pulled my cell phone out, and tried turning it on, but it didn’t work. I took the cell phone and pulled the two halves apart. There was crud inside of there.

I moped over to my cot, and just sobbed myself to sleep.

 

At 2:00 in the morning, I heard noises whispering, "Hey, Frank!"

"Huh? What?"

"It’s Richard!" There were whispers form a high window.

"What? I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.

"I’m bustin’ you outta this joint."

"Freedom!" I yelled, and threw my arms up in the air.

"Sssssh!"

"Oops! How will you…"

"Piece o’ cake! I’ve got a credit card!"

"Huh?"

"Go over to the door."

I walked over there, and through the first set of doors. There was the big guy, sleeping while propped up against the wall. I saw Richard on the other side of the door to freedom. Neither of us could simply open the door by opening a lock, where you twist the lever-type thing, because it was opened by the head of the shelter, who had a special button to open it. Of course, I learned all of this from Hank, who was an encyclopedia of information about this place, living here the longest and all. Richard slipped his credit card in between the two glass doors, there was a small click, and the door glided open.

"Heh-heh."Richard gave an evil cackle. He kept opening the door further.

"No, watch out!"

"Huh?"

"Ow!" Richard had whacked the door into the guard’s head. When he saw Richard, I kew there was trouble. I had an idea.

I tiptoed over to Hank’s cot, and took his paella pan out of his bag.

"I’m sure he won’t mind." I sprinted over to the guard and whacked him in the head.

"Thanks," said Richard.

"No problem."

"Here, let’s go."

"How’d you know I was here?"

"I just picked up a vibe that someone needed help here. So I walked over here to the window and I saw you laying there. Well, I couldn’t open the window to get your attention, so I had to use a ladder to get to that high window."

"Oh. Well, why’d you save me? How can I repay you?"

"Well…"

 

Once again, I was sitting back in my lovely office, with a new model of Jellybean World sitting up on a pedestal.

Richard walked into the room and I asked him, "So, how do you like your new job, Rich?"

"It’s great being the new co-boss." As he proceeded into the room, his elbow knocked Jellybean World off of the pedestal.

"RICHARD!!!"

"Uh-oh…"

 

 

 

 

The End

 

sorry about the indentation stuff...it got messed up because i copied and pasted it...

 

bathroom battles: episode 2: the attack of the toothbrush and the floss

A not-so-long time ahead, in a bathroom close away…

 

The Bathroomalactic Umpire will be faced with a problem. The floss shall join up with the toothbrush to trap Governor Enitaplap and trap him forever.

 

Hopefully the Bathroomalactic Umpire can rescue Enitaplap in time, or it shall be up to Princess Aladima to rescue him by her lonesome…

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Interbathroomalactic Glider landed on the sink and Aladima stepped out with Count Ukood. "What is it that you wish to trade, my Lord?" she began.

"Oh, nothing much. Just your life." There was a giant explosion, and Aladima went flying back. The real Aladima ran toward her decoy, who was laying there, slowly dying.

"It’s okay, everything will be fine," Aladima assured her.

"I’m sorry I failed you, Your Majesty."

Count Ukood jumped back into the Glider, and as it lifted off he began to tear up. "Aww, boohoo, how sad… mwahahahaha! Farvel, Onkel Kris!" And with that, he took off.

Aladima whipped out her laser blaster and attempted to take down the ship, but to no avail, for the lasers were deflected like bouncy balls.

Governor Enitaplap ran out of the palace crying, "What just happened?" He caught a glance of the dead decoy and shouted, "Oh my heck!" while slapping his forehead. "What is going on over here?" he asked in grief.

Aladima responded, "The evil Count Ukood was making negotiations with her and (sniff, sob) he took her young life (boohoo!). She was only 1,078,923 years old!"

Enitaplap snickered, "Only? Hahaha!"

Aladima came back at him. "Well, look at you! You’re around 1,951,230,764 years old! You’re way older than Jöådâ (pronounced Yoh-dah)!" Enitaplap immediately stopped laughing.

Aladima got herself together and said, "But I must not let this awful occurrence get in the way of my duties." She stepped into the palace and kept doing her duties. She made a few calls and then came back out. She told everyone, "Now, listen. Everybody is to come with me to help out with my debate about a very important issue. We all have to go to Central together. The only one I need no help from is Enitaplap. Governor, I ask a favor of you. Please watch the palace for me so nobody breaks in. I am leaving my maid, Anish, with you to keep you company. I must warn you, though. She is a huge Def Leppard fan. She constantly listens to their music and wears Def Leppard t-shirts all the time." Enitaplap turned to see, and sure enough she was wearing one with a smile. Aladima continued, "If the music gets to you, here are these earplugs. They work really well." All but the two left behind stepped into the private glider and it promptly lifted off for central.

 

The glider landed on the under-sink docking bay. Everyone abandoned ship and took the elevators up through the pipes to the top of the sink. From there, they boarded another that took them over the stall door. Yet another led them down to the unoccupied toilet seat. They instinctively jumped in, and Aladima shot a grappling hook up to the lever. With a firm tug of the gun, everybody was suddenly on a whirlagig ride of rushing water. The loud noise added even more to the chaos already caused by the screams coming from everyone. They slid through the pipes and landed in a hover. Theirs pulled away and a new hover took it’s place. The hovercraft automatically flew to an open dock, where it backed in with a click. They were secured in, and ready for a good debate.

 

Meanwhile…

 

The evil Lord Sith Redav skipped into the palace, ready to get rid of Anish. He said in a deep, deep voice, "Anish… I am your father."

Anish said in shock, "You are? Daddy!!!" She ran over to him and gave him a big, warm hug.

"That’s nice. Stop."

Anish backed up and questioned, "Why did you leave me?"

"I didn’t want you. Nobody wants you!!! Nobody wanted you and nobody ever will!!!"

Anish began crying and started running away. "Actually, I hate you! I don’t want you!"

"Awww, are you off to get wome more of those wah-mburgers and french cries? Hey, how about a Whinekin? Def Leppard sucks!"

Anish wailed in the distance, "Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

"Good. That took me forever to come up with."

 

obviously unfinished, but i'm working

 

crocodile dundee script #1

Crocodile Dundee: Hello! And welcome to our next episode of Crocodile Dundee!

 

Assistant George: I’m his assistant!

CD: (Turns and looks at Assistant George) Quiet, you! Everybody knows that I’m the one who matters. You’re just a lowly peasant!

AG: (Sniffing) Okay, I’m sorry…(Boohoo!)

CD: (Clears throat) Well, now we are going to watch and then speculate on what happens when we release this somewhat oversized wild joey(raises cage in front of camera) from this cage(points to the cage) onto this wild crocodile’s(points over back toward crocodile) head. (Hands cage to AG) Okay, set him free.

Deep voice: (Screen goes black) For the purposes (YAAAAAAAAAAH!)of small children this scene (rip, tear, tear)has been cut from the original tape.(Loud burp)

CD: (Screen comes back in focus)(All staring at crocodile blankly, then turn around) Well…um, Assistant George, why don’t you speculate on it this time.

AG: Well…that was different. Um, obviously the crocodile was hungry…uuhhhh…

CD: Yes, I do believe that sums it all up.

Deep voice: Now, we interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin.

Robin Robinson: This is Robin Robinson. Federal officials have recently discovered that Osama bin Laden has been hiding out in the United States all this time. He has been trying to disguise himself as a somewhat oversized wild joey. Out, this is Robin Robinson. You can watch your program now.

CD: Uh-oh. We’re drawing a crowd…

People: (Murmuring) What’s going on? What happened?

NYPD: (Putting up "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape) Okay, people, go home, nothing to see here, it’s all over.

CD: I’m gonna be sick…

AG: Aauuggghh…

CD: (To cameraman) We’re still on? Oh, ummmm…(To AG) what should we do now?

(Crocodile retching)

CD, AG, NYPD, People: (Whispering) What’s going on? Huh? Wha?

(Something flies out of crocodile’s mouth)

AG: (Picking up item) What’s this? (Zoom in on item) It’s Osama bin Laden’s head!

CD: Eeeeuuwwww! (Turns to camera) (Hand on chest) Well, next time, we’ll see and (cough) observe what an Afghan funeral is like. Maybe we’ll (ahem, cough, cough) meet some rare (cough) animals.

(Covers mouth, goes down off of screen, vomiting sounds)

 

i made script #2, i just lost it, though

 

my mother came back from the dead!

Once, when I was approximately six years old, my mom and I were walking to my brother’s school to pick him up. On the way, I accidentally stepped on a crack in the sidewalk. There was a loud "CRACK" and my mother collapsed on the grass.

I said, "Mom! Mommy, wake up," but nothing happened. So I ran past the two houses which we had already walked by, and got my wagon and our balance board. I put the wagon on the side of my mom, and I stuck one end of the balance board under her. I jumped on the end of the balance board that was sticking out, and she flopped onto the wagon. So I started pulling the wagon back to the house, or at least I thought I had been. My mom was much to heavy for me to pull.

All of a sudden, I had a brilliant idea! I went into the garage, got some doggie treats, and got our husky from the backyard. I taunted it with the treats, and I got it into the front yard. I tied it to the wagon, and I taunted it further with the treats. When he got into the garage, I fed him two treats. I went inside, and I dialed 9-1-1.

I simply said, "My address is 222 Twenty-two Street, and my mommy just died," and I hung up the phone. I waited for about twenty minutes, but nobody came.

Then mom started moving, and opened her eyes, and said, "Well, that was a nice little nap! I guess I stayed up too late last night watching television!"

The ambulance finally pulled up into the driveway, and mom said, "What are they doing here?"

The man said, " ‘Scuse me ma’am, but I’ve gotta hurry inside and rescue you," as he rushed past mom and into the house.

"Patrick!"

I looked down at the ground, as the man walked by, and shouted, "She’s not in there men, let’s move out," and the ambulance zoomed out of the driveway.

"I’m very ashamed of you," Mom began. "How many times do I have to tell you?! You don’t call 911 just because I dozed off for a second or two. That’s the fifth time that it’s happened this week. I really am ashamed of you. Come on, let’s go get your brother; he’s probably worried sick by now."

"Cut! That’s a wrap for today. Good job everyone. Here’s your pay, Bob."

"Thanks, mister director, sir."

As I left to start walking home, I heard him off in the distance, "All right, I need cleanup ove…"

Once I got home, my real mom said, "Hi, there Bobby Boy. How was your day?"

"It was actually pretty good," so I walked upstairs to my room. I turned on the TV, and there was a water purifier commercial on. It made me have to go, so I walked across the hall to the bathroom. Once I finished, I got up and started to leave the bathroom. Then there was a high-pitched scream, and I knew that it had to be my mother. I raced downstairs, and my mother was laying on the floor. It’s a good thing I had been in many action and drama movies, for I knew just the solution. I went outside to the backyard. There was a rabbit statue in our backyard that had one foot in the air. So I ran over to a mud puddle, and I got a handful of mud. I pressed it against the underside of the paw to make a rabbit’s footprint. I quickly ran in, got some root beer and vinegar, mixed them together, and made some sweet and sour sauce. I got an onion, went upstairs, and fed the onion to my pet crocodile. Then I let the tears flow into a flask. I then proceeded to get my Harry Potter Cauldron and I filled it up with hot water. I put the sweet and sour sauce, the crocodile tears, and the rabbit’s footprint in the cauldron. I got my lucky horseshoe off of my dresser, and I tossed that right in, also. I mixed it up very vigorously using my special mixing stick that had come with the cauldron inside the kit. It turned a bright purple color. I took the now empty flask, and filled it up with some of that potion.

Now I had to place it at an Altar of Doubt to activate it, or else it would have no effect on anything whatsoever. I guess it was a good thing they built one at the park last week! When I got there, I finally realized how huge it actually was. It was about twenty feet tall, and it had a giant stone question mark sticking out of it at the very top. I walked up to the altar, and I slowly set the florence flask down onto the altar. I then stood as far back as I possibly could, and I waited. After a brief moment, there was an ear-splitting roar. I momentarily went deaf. After I got my hearing back, there was a bright wave of sky blue and purple electricity that engulfed the whole altar in an electric rainbow. The ground absorbed the electricity as the color flurried away. Silence. I waited for any more surprises to pop up in my face. But none did. As soon as I figured that it was all right to go pick it up now, I hurried over and picked up the potion, which had now turned into the Skeptic Serum, for it was now glowing a darker violet that had magenta swirling madly around the inside of the flask.

I hurried back home, and ran into the kitchen. My mother was still laying there on the floor. I pried her mouth open, and carefully poured all of the serum into her mouth, making sure to not lose a single drop. She began to glow a very bright red-orange. She literally began to float above the ground. She was levitating a few inches above the ground now. Then a foot, two feet, one yard, five feet, and finally six feet, each time, laying there limply. She started shaking violently. She fell down quickly, and stopped abruptly an inch above the ground, as though an imaginary hammock had caught her before it was too late. She slowly landed on the floor.

She slowly opened up her eyes and said, "What happened?"

I started, "Well, I walked out of the bathroom, you screamed, and then I…"

"Wait, you’re going too fast for me. Just tell me later."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I woke up. I took a few deep breaths and said to myself, "It’s okay, Joe. It was only a dream." And with that, everything turned into red-orange, purple, magenta, or an electric blue, and I dozed off knowing that I didn’t have to worry about any of that stuff, because my mother was far away on a trip.

 

 

alrighty, that's all i have for you for now... i hope you enjoyed reading, if you did read them at all.

[Reaper Girl]

you on crack, Das?

 

Actually, i enjoyeded these.

[Alia]

I read all of them, but my mind is stuck in the bathroom scene in the first story. That was graphic.

[Ernil]

I took some toothpaste that was sitting on the counter of the sink, obviously someone forgot to take it with them. I picked up some toilet paper rolls and the plunger. Toothpaste squirted out of the tube onto the suction cup of the plunger as I applied force to the tube. I pushed a roll of toilet paper into the suction cup, hoping that it would stick. I pushed the plunger into the toilet, and it soaked up about one fourth of the water.

 

 

Sounds like it's something straight out of Monkey Island. But it's not.

 

 

Well written.

[Shivermetimbers]

Little stories? hehehe they're awesome though

[Ernil]

Sorry bud, but this word...

 

Interbathroomalactic

 

 

sucked all motivation out of me. I've gotten to that point 2 or 3 times now, and have never been able to go on.