StarWars: episode 7 (Doomgivers version.)

[Doomie]

Jan put the freighter down in the swamp. 'So, they gotta be around here somewhere?' Kyle asked. 'According to that console, yes.' They walked into the swamp. There were a lot of critters, but not a single gungan. 'Man, where are these things?' Kyle asked after a while. Then he heard a voice behind him. 'What are yousa looking for?' 'What? Who are you?' Kyle asked, while he quickly turned around. 'Mesa name is Ralpat. I'm a gungan.' 'A gungan? Well, what a coincidence. We're looking for a sub. One that can take us to the core.' 'Wesa have them in Otoh Gunga. Yousa follow mesa.' The gungan went into the bushes, and Jan and Kyle followed him. Untill they reached a small lake. 'Where'd he go?' Jan asked. 'I think into the water.' Kyle answered. 'How long can you hold your breath?' 'About a minute. Why?' 'This seems pretty deep. With help of the force, i could make it it, i think, but you....' 'I get it. I'll wait here.'

Kyle dissapeared into the water. It was deep and cold, but in the distance he could see lights. With enhanced speed, thanks to the force, he started to swim towards it. I'm gonna make it! He thought, when suddenly, a giant fish emerged from the depths. Kyle grabbed his lightsaber, only to realize it didn't work under water. He unleashed a force-lightning storm upon the fish and it quickly went away. Kyle continued, but he didn't have enough air anymore. He almost lost conscience, when he felt someone grab his arm. Moments later, he was back on dry ground. The gungan was standing over him. 'Hellodio! I brought yousa bongo. Let's pick up your friend now, okidey?' 'Yeah, er... Ok. Thanks, by the way.'

The bongo-sub emerged from the water. Kyle jumped onto the shore. Jan was gone. 'Jan? Where are you? Jan!' Tehn someone fired a blaster at him from the bushes. But Kyle was faster. He force-pulled his lightsaber in his hand and activated it fast enough to block the shots. Kyle jumped into the bushes and cut down the person that shot at him. A stormtrooper. 'Oh no.' Kyle said to himself. 'The new sith must know about the weapon.' He went deeper into the swamp, and found an encampment. Jan was in the middle, and she was surrounded by stormtroopers. They were interrogating her. 'Where is the weapon?' The stormtrooper's commander asked. 'I told you, i don't know!' The commander pubhed her in the stomach. Jan fell to the ground. 'Tell me where it is!' 'Never!' The commander nodded and the other stormtroopers aimed their guns at Jan. 'One last chance.' He said. 'Where is the weapon?' Jan quickly got up and jumped the commander. 'Shoot her!' He ordered his troops, but they already surrendered to Kyle, who had pulled their guns out of their hands. Jan knocked out the commander and he and the other troopers where turned in to the gungan authorities. 'Now, let's find that weapon.'

[Darth Rythe]

I just copied and pasted all of that so it'd better be good.

 

I might do the same with sabertooths.

 

 

Keep it up.

[Sabretooth]

Originally posted by Darth Rythe

I just copied and pasted all of that so it'd better be good.

 

I might do the same with sabertooths.

 

???

 

Umm... Can you tell me what you exactly did? I don't want something happening to my fanfics without me permission.

 

*gets fleet of lobsters ready*

 

Keep it up, Doom! You're definetly improving!

[Doomie]

Alright, here it goes again!

 

Some time later, Kyle and Jan arrived in Naboo's core with the bongo sub. 'You see anything?' Kyle asked Jan. 'Nope. But i don't think that holocron was wrong. Maybe that thing just isn't in the core, whatever it is.' Suddenly, a shock went trough the Bongo. 'What happened?' Kyle asked. 'Are we sinking?' 'It's even worse. We're being eaten.' Jan replied. Then Kyle saw it too. Teeth, as big as himself, were holding the ship in it's place. It would be a matter of time before the ship would be crushed and eaten whole. Kyle reacted quickly by shooting force-lightning trough the bubble-like windshield into the creatures mouth. It quickly let go. 'Hit it, Jan!' Kyle shouted. The bongo rushed forward, but the creature swung it's massive claws at the bongo, disabling it's power. 'We've got a leak!' Kyle said, and he immediatly held back the water with the force. 'Do something! Quickly! I don't know how much longer i can hold!' Kyle said. 'I'd love to, but the power's down! We're sinking into that hole in the bottom, where that thing came from!'

 

 

chapter 12: (nameless for now.)

Jaden was sitting in a chair. He was facing the window, looking out onto the Taris streets. Then, the door opened. A Woman in black clothes entered. Her face was covered in tattoos. 'you requested to see me, my lord?' Jaden turned his chair around, so that it faced the table. 'Yes. How did the mission go?' 'We completely surprised those Jedi weaklings. It was a good idea to have our fleet stand ready around Yavin, waiting untill Skywalker left.' 'Ha! I had foreseen it.' He was silent for a while. Then he continued: 'Have you got the droids head?' 'No, my master. Skywalker must've hidden it well. Maybe destroyed it. But we have a prisoner that could tell us a lot about it.' 'Oh? Bring him in.' The doors opened again, when two stormtroopers brought in the prisoner: Kyle Katarn. 'Katarn... You did well, Agia.' He said to the woman. 'You may go now. I will interrogate him myself.'

 

then he was standing in a cell, along with Kyle. 'What pleasant surprise have you got in mind for me this time, Domen?' Kyle asked. 'More force-lightning? More mindprobes? More torturing? Give up. I'll never give up the information.' 'Not willingly atleast.' Jaden answered. Then, Kyle felt a strange feeling, as if something entered his head. He tried to resist it, but it continued. Jaden smiled. It was working. Soon, he'd truly be the most powerful being that ever existed. 'Dagobah? The map is hidden on Dagobah? Good. Now, Katarn, you will die.' Jaden engaged his lightsaber and moved it towards Kyle, but then it stopped. Kyle was using the force to hold it back. 'You're forgetting,' Kyle said, 'That i already have the power of the Valley of the Jedi.' Then he pushed back Jaden's lightsaber, wich hit his face, and ran out of the hallway. Then Jaden woke up.

 

'Ugh... Where am i?' He asked himself. His voice echoed trough the cave. He tried to get up, but his body hurt all over. He quickly used the force to heal himself. Lying next to him was a woman. She was dead. Jaden recognised her as Agia. He needed to find a way out. He looked up, to the shattered bridge above him. At least fivehundred meters. It was a miracle he survived. He couldn't get up that way. Jaden walked around the cave some more, untill he came by a large door. 'That's strange.' Jaden thought. He opened the heavy door and entered a large hallway. At the end of the hallway, there was an altar. And on the altar, there was... 'Another Holocron?' Jaden activated the Holocron, and just as with the Sith holocron, some sort of holographic book appeared. Jaden recognised many things. They were taught to hima t the Jedi academy. This was the Jedi holocron. There was one note that particularaly interested Jaden: 'When two individuals share each others memories in their dreams, it is a sign of both a strong mastery of the force as well as a special bond between the two individuals... That's what i had. I wonder what my 'special bond' with Domen is.' Jaden said, and then he continued looking for a way out. Afterall, if the jedi could build this temple here, surely they could get here, and probably out of here too...

[Darth Rythe]

Originally posted by sabretooth

???

 

Umm... Can you tell me what you exactly did? I don't want something happening to my fanfics without me permission.

 

*gets fleet of lobsters ready*

 

Keep it up, Doom! You're definetly improving!

 

umm...

 

I just copied and pasted all of that.......

 

So i can read it later...

 

This is an interesting story.

[Doomie]

Thanks! Now where was I... Ah yes.

 

Jan woke up. 'Ah, so you're finally awake!' Kyle asked. She was standing ni a large, ancient looking building. 'Where are we?' She asked. 'I don't know yet. ' Kyle answered. 'But it probably is the holding place of the weapon. I haven't really taken the time to look around yet. We were quite lucky by the way. That monster was probably some sort of guardian. When the water came in, you lost conscience, but i was able to steer the thing inside a large bubble and opened the wind shield.' 'And this bubble is... here?' 'Right. Now, let's have a look inside, shall we?' Kyle opened the heavy door across the room. They proceeded trough a long hallway ('What is it with sith and long hallways? we always have to crawl trough meters of dark corridor before we get where we want' Kyle complained) until they finally reached a small room with no light. Kyle turned on his field light and saw a control panel. 'Jan, his is more your territory. See if you can get the lights on.' Kyle said. Jan started pushing some buttons. 'Any progress?' Kyle asked. 'Not yet. It's all writen in a strange language. This thing must be really old.' Just when Kyle mumbled 'great, we came all this way for nothing.', Jan managed to open the hatches that concealed the windows, that were appearantly there. Trough it, the could see thousands of cloning cilinders, each holding a strange creature. 'What are those things?' Kyle asked. 'I don't know' Jan replied. 'I haven't seen them anywhere before. Maybe they're long extinct.' 'We should inform Luke about this.' Kyle said. 'Uh oh.' Jan said. 'What?' Kyle asked. 'We don't have a sub anymore.'...

[ShadowTemplar]

I'm commenting from the top down and I've only read the fist post and a little, so some of this may have been taken care of in later parts of the story, but here goes:

 

Paragraphs are your friends, invite them over.

 

Physical descriptions wouldn't hurt.

 

Scenography wouldn't hurt either.

 

One of the tricks to making situations - e.g. combat - exiting is to create suspence: Give cues as to the outcome, but withhold some of the information for a while, gradually divoulging it as the reader progresses down the text. If employed correctly it is possible, although not always desireable, to maintain suspense throughout chapters, or even whole novels.

 

As an example, consider this paragraph:

 

Domen found himself surrounded by garbage and, unfortunate enough, walls. Next to him was another body. he recognized it immediatly. It was Fundo Corak. And by the looks of it he was dead for a few days already. 'if Corak's dead, who's sitting up there in the throne room?' He also quickly realized that he was in a garbage masher with no way out. Not even a closed door, only walls. And two of the walls started moving.

 

By adding a little embellishment and a description of the environment, you'll get a far more exiting text. I'd off-hand imagine something like this:

 

A throbbing pain in his forehead greaded Domen as he regained conciousness. He vinced slightly as he touched the place where the big alien had hit him, but was relieved to find that his skull was not fractured.

Looking around, he realised that he was lying atop a pile of garbage, next to another body. He saw no immediate signs of violence, but judging by the smell, this fellow had been somewhat less fortunate than Domen.

Suddenly he recognized the other man. But if he is here, then who... His chain of thought was cut short by a low rumbling and the sqeak of poorly-oiled gears. Looking up, Domen realised that he was trapped in an enclosed courtyard of some sort, bordered by tall walls. And that some of the walls were moving.

 

Note the difference? The technique is amazingly simple, if you look carefully: Rather than beginning with a description of the whole scene, and then zooming in on the character, I start with a description of the character and zoom out to cover the scene. Then I ad some descriptions, and violá!

 

Another trick is to avoid directly repeating the information that the reader was given in the paragraph directly above (where the alien said what they'd done to the crimelord). This way, you play with the reader's already aquired knowledge, allowing the reader to think a little for himself. When not overdone, this is a useful tool to keep people's attention.

[Sabretooth]

Keep it up, Doom! Keep 'em comin'!

 

Follow ShadowTemplar's advice, he rockz. (I'm using his advice for my fanfic and story:D )

[Doomie]

Man, you're good, shadowtemplar. I'm surprised you don't have a fanfiction yourself.

the sad fact is, that i know pretty much how to do it, only i don't know many of the words in english. I will try to follow your advise more, because i didn't really do that anyway. So i'll try.

'Do. Or do not. There is no try.' Dang! alright i'll do it.

 

Jaden neared a large, wooden door. It looked old, as though it could fall apart any minute, but it was still standing, trying to protect whatever was behind it. It was very heavy, but with help of the force, Jaden managed to open it.

Still no exit. What Jaden did see, was a number of skeletons lying on the floor. Some where missing parts of their body, their arms, legs or even their heads. At the end of the room, their was a large altar, with a big chest on it. It looked a bit like a sarcophagus. Jaden walked the steps on to the altar and up to the chest. Light was shining upon it from above. Jaden cleaned away the dust with his hand, and in the small lightbundle he could just read something written on the chest.

It said: 'This is the burial place of our leader, Ando Furon. He has fallen in the battle against the sith, but his spirit will live on.' Jaden removed the upper half of the chest with a little trouble, and looked into the chest. There was only a small, red crystal. Jaden picked it up and had another vision...

He was standing in a swamp, and he saw Gander, the traitor. He was talking to him. Then, a large tree came rolling at him. He quickly force-jumped to dodge it. Gander wasn't so lucky. The tree hit him hard. Jaden fought Luke, but then Kyle appeared and destroyed the small hut in the background...

At that moment, Jaden woke up again. He was still in the room, with the crystal in his hand. For a moment he just stood there, thinking about his vision, but then he continued to look for an exit...

 

There, was that better?

[Sabretooth]

Much better, Doom.

[ShadowTemplar]

Originally posted by Doomgiver

Man, you're good, shadowtemplar. I'm surprised you don't have a fanfiction yourself.

 

High praise. But you're wrong about one thing.