weiderudare Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Third and last time I post this fanfic..at the moment its conisting of 10.602 words, and I got material for another 10-20 thousand. The two other tries both failed, since I had no feedback..so I will just post the intro, and if I get no feedback, I know Im talking to deaf ears The suns gazed down onto the planets sand-covered surface. In the distance, a flock of dewbacks slowly made their way through the planets seemingly endless desert. In front of the man, a temple stood, worn down by centuries of storms and sun. Inside the temple, darkness ruled, but it was cut off by the immense light from the suns at the gate, which had been destroyed many years before. The sandstorm would soon reach him, he had to finish this fast, he didn’t want to be stranded here longer than necessary. He walked into the temple and felt the darkness surround him. “I knew they would send you Iso” The voice was calm and quiet, far too quiet to make Iso sure about the outcome of this encounter “Its never too late, you can still….” A short cackling interrupted Iso. “If they thought I could return they would never have sent you Iso.” Laughter came out of the darkness, followed by a lightsaber's humming “Come, face me” Iso lit his lightsaber, looking at its well-known orange blade. The lightsaber, which had saved his life so many times in the past, and ended others. “You don’t have to do this” “Oh, but I want to” Iso barely had time to see the red blade erupt from the darkness, he managed to block it and then turned around to face his attacker, but nothing came. “Iso, Iso… I was always told you were the greatest swordsman living now… And what do I see? An old man, barely strong enough to wear the title Jedi” The last word was spat out with immense anger and another swift attack followed it. Iso dodged away and quickly located his target, who walked away, further into the temple “Come old man, come and dance with me” Iso ran after the voice, until he came into a large room, faintly lit by a small air hole in the ceiling. In the middle of the room, Iso was surprised to see a water-filled pool,around it lay shattered pieces of statues and other objects. From behind one of these statues, his opponent slowly rose. “Take a good look at this room old man, it’s the last one you will ever visit” Iso stared into the mans' eyes and instantly knew that he was right. “So be it” He put his saber into a defensive position and nodded at the dark jedi. His opponent walked out from behind the statue and relit his saber. For a few seconds they stood between each other, light and dark in a battle with an outcome that would determine the fate of so many. The attack came from his right side, and Iso put out his lightsaber too slow, and felt the saber cut through his right knee. “Far too easy” Iso looked up and saw the red blade rush towards his face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 If this is all you're posting on here, maybe I'll have to PM you one of my many email addresses:p If you don't mind, I'd like to read it. It's pretty good and for a place like this, that's a good length. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 That's enough feedback for me to put in next part... Just hate posting a story and get NO feedback at all..makes me sad:( Quiet, not a sound. This is why Shade loved the empty space. Nothing but him and the big dark galaxy. Before him, the planet of Dantooine filled up most of the window. Time to sell the cargo of weapons and then return back to Tatooine to sell some water. “The life of a trader…” Shade mumbled the words to himself before turning around the pilot chair and looked over the ships interior. “Shade, why oh why are you talking to yourself again?” Out of a room, the aging Ganliss walked out, followed by J-39L, the droid who Shade himself had built many years ago. “Always, it beats talking to Nat’me anyway, the day she smiles is the day I sell J-39L” “Oh, selling me master?” J-39L looked over Shade with his eyelike sensor. Made by different bits and pieces, the droid had a few circuits misplaced, which made it much more positive than intended. An annoyance when they were in a tight situation. Ganliss smirked at Shade, he knew his daughter loathed all men, especially the kind that she thought was worthless, like pilots or as Shade, just another man who had found his way through life the hard way. “You should watch your tongue Shade, Nat’me sleeps lightly, and her hearing is far better than you expect” Shade shrugged and turned around again, to see that Dantooine had come even closer. Now he saw the colony on which they would land at. Yes, the life of a trader, Shade thought to himself while he yawned at the pink planet. ************** “RK-379, why aren’t you at your post?” RK-379 sighed under his helmet, he couldn’t leave his post for two minutes without having his superior nag at him “Sorry TK-864, I was checking out that disturbance over there” RK-379 nodded at a small crowd who was shouting about some speeder belonging to one or the other. “Report RK-379” RK-379 looked at his sergeant and then back at the crowd “Well, nothing unusual Sir, some payment not switching owners fast enough it seems.” He soon added: “Do you want me to check it out Sir?” TK-864 shook his head at RK-379. “Let them solve their own problems RK-379, go back to your post corporal.” He turned to the group of soldiers behind him. “Move out!” RK-379 watched the squad walk off before turning back to the people who shouted about the speeder. Why was he posted on Tatooine of all places? This planet was as dustball in all ways possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 One post is enough feedback? You're easy:p I'd say you've got the makings of a good story here... I'm just a little curious how the two chapters connect... they seem almost like two different stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Hey, all I want is someone to read it.. Lost interest in it, but if I have some ideas from fellow rpers... i might crank it up again.. I need another character for example.. And the connection? Well, it's still not in the story...But slowly, the reader will understand.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 ... if they're smart enough:p And why do you need another character? I was just thinking about this... the death of Iso might alert the Jedi to a real danger... I dunno, but it could push Shade into something he doesn't want... like the Sith are trading illegal goods and he somehow gets tangled up in it... you could give him a Jedi companion when he flees from the Sith after realizing what they're getting him into... oh, the possibilities;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 hehe...I already got the main plot sorted out... In the beginning of Chapter 2, the reader will start understanding the differences..(insert x-files theme) The desert was before him, its endless dunes stretching everywhere he could see. Zamar turned down his head looking at the nearly finished jacket. It had to be finished by tomorrow or he wouldn’t get paid for the huge order the client wanted. And without the payment, he wouldn’t afford to pay maintenance on his house, and without his house he would be back to square 1. The cool desert evening was the perfect time to work on, especially since no one would bother him since tonight was the night everyone went out to party. Like I did when I was young Zamar pushed away the voice, made it and his memories to leave him alone, for the time being. He cleared his head of thoughts, something he had learnt a long time ago and continued to work on the jacket. The wind made his thick, untidy brown hair fall down over his face from time to time. He was used to it, in his void he kept on working. After the jacket he would pack the order up and get some sleep before tomorrow. *********** “For the last time, where is he?” Polk felt the gun press even tighter to his head, something he would have thought impossible by now. He would need to be put in a bacta tank after this… If I ever get out of this alive that is… “Ih dhnu” Polk tried to talk as clearly as possible, but his cheekbones were so beaten up it was a miracle he even could make himself understandable. “That’s it, your dead pal” Polk tried to see through the sore eyes, he was sure he was nearly blind on the right one, and the left one had received far too many hits for his liking… How long have I even been here? “Look at the guy, you really think he would be lying up to this point?” “We know he got the information!” Something moved in his eyesight and he could recognize the uniform of The Empires interrogators. Everyone knew what the green and blue uniform meant, and people were as scared of them as of the Guardians. He heard someone sigh and then say with a resigned voice: “Take him down and then…move on to C7” Polk would have jumped in his seat if he still had possessed the strength. He had been on “programme” C2 until this point. He had heard of people surviving as much as J2, and some said that a few people actually had witnessed P8. He shuddered of the mere thought what Z9 had in store. He felt himself being pulled out from his seat and thrown over someone’s shoulder. After days, weeks, months, years he was as thin as any diet promised. Polk felt the needle sink into his leg, and after a few seconds, darkness came over him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 One cautioning note... you might not want to get too many characters involved... it gets confusing for both the writer and the reader... believe me, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Well, the "heroes" have a group of like 6-8 people...And I want them to spread out on their own storylines... got a notebook filled with timelines for all of them...Zamar for example...my favorite character has 3 timelines depending on what his choices are.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Whoa! a notebook! you sound rather organized, a thing I wasn't when I first set out to write a book... a year ago... I'm getting it a bit better organized now, but it sounds to me like you won't have that problem to deal with. Good luck on your story! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 without my notebook I would be fried...I got a main timeline which I use constantly, and each character has a page filled with notes...I love it:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 hmmm... that's not a bad idea... your story appears to be much more planned than mine is. Maybe I'll have to imitate you;) A timeline! I can't say I'd ever thought of making one... thanks for the brilliant idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 21, 2004 Author Share Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by wildjedi hmmm... that's not a bad idea... your story appears to be much more planned than mine is. Maybe I'll have to imitate you;) A timeline! I can't say I'd ever thought of making one... thanks for the brilliant idea! Not even a timeline? God, no wonder yours got messed up Polk woke up in the coldness of his cell. C7 had been in function for too many days, he barely remembered anything from the pain. Would he be killed or released? He would never give the interrogators information since he had none to give them. The door to his cell suddenly opened and a Stormtrooper walked in, grabbed him and dragged him out and then down the corridor. Before he knew it, he was thrown into a corner. He felt how a wound over the right eye started bleeding again and soon he had to blink to get the blood out of his eyes. He laid in the uncomfortable position for what seemed to be an eternity, before he heard the door open and the sound of feet walking in. "Subject B-1-C7-KPLK... Reason for detaining...." Mumbling, and Polk tried to raise from the ground, but as he moved his left hand, the neck started burning like fire. He dropped the hand to the ground with a tiny shriek. "So, been here eight standard months...And hasnt given any false names?" "No Sir, thats why we still have him here..." Polk tried to think.. False names? Lying would have gotten him out of this place? "Any sign of braindamage?" "No Sir, he can probably understand everything we talk about and he is completly aware of his surroundings." Then there wasnt a sound made, if the slow breathing of at least two troopers wasn't counted. "Dump him...Grade C" Polk found himself being dragged out of the cell... He didn't care where. Im FREE!!! The soldier carrying him stared down at his burden as it made weezing sounds, almost sounding like laughter. *********** He looked up at the pale moon, shining dimly in the dark night, sorrounded by stars he, in his long life, never had seen before. Stepping over a rock that lay in his path, he silently moved across the barren, uneven landscape. In the distance, the stars were invisible, their light overwhelmed by the closest one. Soon, it would rise over the planets surface, bringing life and promise to the cold and hostile night. But by then, he would be long gone. A small eight-legged creature looked up from a hole in the ground some distance before him. In the dark, he could barely see the head move, but soon the creature jumped out of the hole and with a small squeak darted over the surface. This was the planet he had once called home. It seemed ages since he had walked this very pathway. Then it had been to start something, now it was to end it. He felt sorrow, strong enough to break most men. He was the last of his kind, the remnant of something he barely had scratched the surface of. The only thing that could bring order to the world, and he would finish it right there. Indeed, it was a depressing journey he made. Would it all be lost? Was this really the one and overwhelming End? He remembered the many years of searching for someone worthy to pass on his knowledge to. None had been found. His way of life, his very existence was slowly crumbling under the new order in the galaxy. Soon, tears hit the ground on which he was walking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted December 23, 2004 Author Share Posted December 23, 2004 It was a long time since she had been this excited... She, a simple Mon Calamarian, would meet the leader of the resistance! "Remember to greet him properly and don't talk too much." She nodded, and then made sure the little note with her name on sat on the right place. "Lophen". The name came from her mothers sister, who had died during the 4th Sweep. Lophen shuddered even when barely touching it with her toughts. On that day, she had lost so many of her friends and family. But soon it would all change. As soon as she got information from the leader, Lophen could start to a more active role. It was with a light heart and with her head high she stepped out of the elevator and walked into a small dark room. "Em...Where is everyone?" She turned around and saw her guide closing the elevator doors. When hearing a sound coming from behind her, she spun around to see what was happening. Her screams were blocked in by the soundproofed walls. Regonnen towered over the guide who told him to remember to not talk too much. Regonnen did not listen. Finally he would do some good! No longer would he be afraid. With the weapons provided by the resistance, he would revenge his loved ones. His blood almost boiled as he remembered the 4th Sweep. The elevator doors opened and he stepped into a small dark room. "What's this?" He heard the elevator doors close. Dropping into a defensive position stance, he could hear something move towards him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted December 28, 2004 Share Posted December 28, 2004 Dude, I'm noticing that I'm your only reviewer... anyway, I'd like to know more of your story... and yes, all of my stories are somewhat screwed up... I'll have to create their timelines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 "No, I keep telling you, we always sell these crates for twenty-thousand each!" Shade looked at the conversation going on between Ganliss and the businessman who had ordered the batch. Weapons were hard to get by, and because of the upcoming law that would ban all civilians from buying arms, everyone tried to get one before it was too late. "Twenty-thousand?! That's robbery! I gotta feed my kids you know! Fifteen is my last offer!" Ganliss seemed to think about it before shaking his head slowly "Not less than eigtheen" Shade sighed and got to his feet. That discussion would go on for a long time, time Shade could spend examining the local cantina. "I'm off for a walk" Nat'me didn't even change her stance, where she sat on a pile of old blasters. "Who says I care?" Shade rolled his eyes and walked off towards the centre of the colony. It was small and quiet, only a few people walking down the empty streets. He closed his eyes for a moment and stopped in his steps. He stretched out with his hearing, one of his favourite hobbies when visiting a city. From a house next to him he could hear slow mumbling, and a ship took off and gave full power to the engines. It roared, covering all other sounds. He sighed and continued his stroll. Soon he went past the cantina, and just as he passed, the door slid open, letting the music from it reach his ears. It was yet another propaganda song from the Empire. The fact they have reached remote colonies worried Shade, but all that was nothing compared to what was happening at the core worlds. He let his feet decide where to go, and they led him further and further into the colony, while his mind was drifting between loose thoughts. What if he joined up? He had heard that most stormtroopers didn't have to do much, mostly guarding something important, or deporting illegal races. One of those illegal races nearly bumped into Shade as he turned around a corner. The Ithorian looked at him for brief moment, evaluating him it seemed, before it slowly walked off towards the cantina. Shade shivered as he saw the hammer-like head disappear around the corner, for a second fixing its right eye on him. Shade looked around him, realizing he did no longer know where he was. He slowly ruffled his hair as he looked around him, trying to find any signs to help him find his way back to the starport. Busy as he was, he didn't hear the thug sneaking up behind him until the last second. *********** The crate was gone! Zamar couldn't belive what had happened. He had packed up the order in a crate and placed it in the middle of his living room before eating his spartan dinner and going to bed. Without the crate, what was there he could do? He had already delayed the order more than necessary, wasting time zooming around the landscape on his swoop. What would he do now? He knew his client, a lowtime crimelord. But even lowtimers have their mininons, and Zamar knew minions hurt. Alot. He could of course... Move... If he hadn't been alone in that house, an onlooker could have seen a spark in his eye's, a spark that hadn't been there for years. The armor, the weapons, money, food and some private items. All he needed. The dewback and the droids could carry everything. A smile flashed for a moment, but disappeared instantly. If he was go get out of the town before the client came to take the order, he had to move fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I'm still not entirely sure how all of this is going to connect, but I have a feeling that your timeline is going to bring it all together somehow... keep posting so I can know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Don't worry, its gonna connect...A tad too fast actually..gonna see if I can add another like 5000 words before the group gets together... RK-379 hated liers. Clearly, the man before him was one. According to the man, he never had heard of law CX-376K-1. You were not allowed to sell food on open streets. This was because of hygenic reasons, something the man seemingly never heard of. RK-379's helmet thankfully filtrated most of the stench. Realising the man was waiting for his response, he started to speak, his voice emotionless thanks to the helmets radio. "You broke the law. Pay the fine and get out of here" The man almost sighed, but was smart enough to cover it up in the last second. RK-379 hated these kind of people. "But I...Had no idea!" "Look, you have ten seconds before I shoot you on the spot, your not enough important to be taken in!" "But, but, you can't do that!" The man was staring, struck with terror as RK-379 flung up his carbine and with a wellplaced shot ended the merchants life. He didn't even get enough time to scream. Heads turned to see why the shot had been fired. RK-379 raised the volume on the helmet and said: "Spy. Move along" People hurried to get away from the scene. A small patrol was making its way towards RK-379. He sighed behind his helmet. The wind was hitting him, and some people started walking home. A sandstorm was coming, which meant a small break. He gave a short report to the leader of the column, then joined in at the end before it started to make it's way towards the barracks. *********** Allis was proud to be an assassin. She was still young, and already did people consider her one of the best. Her day at the top would come soon, as she would move up to kill the best one. Mealn. She wasn't even human, and still she hadn't been taken in by the Empire. Cowards they were, and slow in action. The reason why she prospered. As people wanted something done, an assassin always helped. The Target Will Be In The Third Vehicle In The Procession Allis remembered the briefing, and had destroyed the datapad as soon as she had memorized every detail on it. Checking the sight of the sniper rifle, Allis sighed. She hated these kinds of job. There was no real challenge in them. But she wanted the money this particular job paid. One shot and she was half a million credits richer. Beneath her, the procession was slowly making it was through the streets of Coronet. A diplomat was it, sent out to negoiate with the Empire. With the diplomat's death, the planet would withdraw from the Order, and probably, as her contact had planned, join the Resistance. Staring through the sight, Allis located the fat diplomat, talking to his secretary in the open speeder. Allis sighed again, she would not even have the challenge of blasting the vehicle into bits with one shot at the engine. She zoomed in, and exhaled slowly, aiming for the right eye, and with a jerk, felt the shot rush away as she pressed the trigger.Allis had already thrown the rifle in the back and warmed up the engine as the first screams were heard, faint because of the distance. The green speeder sputtered and slowly moved into the ongoing traffic, towards the starport. Time to collect the reward for the "hard work". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 Do you need me to reassure you I want to know how this goes? It seems I have to before you post any more... come on, dude! Keep it up! (or you'll have one very impatient reader:D as if you don't already! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 Sorry, i've been away for a while, and haven't had time to continue it.. a bit afraid I will catch up... Oh well, just posted 1/5 of it this far though Mattbacca pondered over the puzzle in front of him. The solution was there, just out of his reach. He looked at the time, and saw he had sat with the same problem for over one hour. With a sigh he got to his feet and walked over to the foodstorage. Peering inside, he found an old lunchpackage which he with a happy grunt pulled out. Turning around towards the small computer screen, he let his green eyes search the small room for any changes. It was as filthy as before, with torn rugs in a corner where he slept, and the computerscreen lodged into a wall. The previous owner's had probably been sent away during the early Sweeps, but at least the the door was left, broken of course, but a door never the less. Mattbacca had lived here for soon two full weeks, after his previous hideout had been assaulted. Luck was the only reason he was still out in freedom, even if sitting in an apartment all the time wasn't the ideal way he saw freedom. Returning to the computerscreen, he peered at the problem again. Why couldn't it be like before the Sweeps? Mattbacca sighed heavily before trying one solution. The computer sounded a low squeak and then died. Staring in wonder, Mattbacca tried hitting it to make it work, but then remembered that it probably had an old powercell, which finally had given up. And some people actually called the young Wookiee stupid. He had been fleeing and hiding most of his life, from the Empire and its reforms. And nowadays, his kind was wanted as slave and fighters to amuse the people in the systems far away. Mattbacca would have preferred to have hidden somewhere else but Corouscant, but he had been unlucky enough to have visited the planet when the Fourth Sweep had occured. Trapped and confused, he had lived the last years in constant hiding. The once so perfect fur was messy and smelly, and he had lost the strength he used to possess. But he was free, unlike many other Wookiees. That was, he thought with bitter sarcasm, the few that was still alive. Suddenly, Mattbacca realised how quiet the apartment had become. The buzzing from the electrical pipelines had died out, and the sounds of traffic had disappeared. Sniffing in the air, he got worried and backed into a corner. As his back hit the wall, the door slid open and a stormtrooper rushed in, quickly locating him. "Don't move!" The voice felt unnatural, but Mattbacca quickly cut the stormtrooper off as he sent him flying into a wall with a wellplaced kick. Spinning around, he saw another pair coming inside the apartment, blasters raised. With a warcry, Mattbacca punched one while he flung his leg towards the other one, missing him. He saw the stun rays from a blaster outside the door, knocking him out before he could react. The air was filthy and dry, with a strong smell of sweat and ozon. Slowly, Mattbacca woke up, moving carefully. He knew the effects of the stun rays, and he didn't want to make the pain worse by making quick movements. Not surprised by the metal bars he soon felt against his arms and legs, he let out a soft moaning. What would become of him? Since he was still alive, he was either deported or sent to a workcamp. Or sold as a gladiator to some slavetrader in the outer rim. He was far too young to live a life in captivity. From some distant part of his brain, he remembered stories that the elderly told, stories that seemed unreal. The elderly had all been lost during the Second Sweep. Mattbacca did not understand why. Wasn't it better to take the young and strong? The only thing old Wookiees had were memories, memories from before the Empire. But what did that matter now? The elderly had been deported many years ago. And with them, their stories which he loved. From the cage next to him, Mattbacca could hear the small squeaks of a reptile of some kind. Probably a Trandoshan, upset about the fact it could not reach the Wookiee. Even now, in these times, some nonhuman races cared about this, simple arguments if compared to the Sweeps. Mattbacca was surprised to find himself longing back to those times. He even remembered when the diplomats had arrived, trying to solve the conflict... Why did he feel this sorrow? Then, suddenly, a big door opened far away, and the room, previously dark as the night, bathed in light. The young Wookiee was blinded, but as he regained his eyesight, he saw the cages around him. They were all put together in a small room, and three stormtroopers walked in, led by an imperial. Behind them two men walked, one of them short and fat, with grey short hair. A slavetrader and his bodyguard, at least looking at the big gun carried by the man. Then, Mattbacca turned his attention to the cages and their inhabitants. All of them nonhuman. The slavetrader stopped at some cages, all containing the bigger lifeforms. So it was off to be a gladiator...He grunted. The best thing that could happen to him. Fight until he died. A tear was quickly wiped away as the fat man looked into Mattbaccas cage. "This one...and...that one" Mattbacca turned to see the cage next to him, and saw that he had been right in his guess that it was a Trandoshan. Meant he would probably fight it first, the people always loved "savages" attack their natural enemies. The fat man went through the small cargohold, which held about fifty cages. The ones that the trader didn't want were marked, while the rest of the trapped lifeforms were put to sleep, Mattbacca included. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 (on a sidenote. These are the characters for a long time in the story. So just remember those and you're fine) "Wake up hairball" Mattbacca opened his eyes, and stared into the ones of another Wookiee, her right arm ending at the elbow. Mattbacca quickly got to his feet, ignoring the headache. This was the first time he had seen another Wookiee for seven years. "My name is Mattbacca, and I'm honoured to meet one of my fellow kind" "Skip the fancy talk, you are here to die, not to be polite." Taken aback by the strong response, Mattbacca silently slipped down on the floor again. Around him was other slaves, most of them with scars or lost limbs. There was only one door, at the far left end. "Where am I?" "Tatooine, the planet of deserts and misery. No trees." Mattbacca let out another soft moaning. He was destined to die on a desert-planet. He tried to straighten the fuzzy fur, but only made it worse. "How long have you been here?" "Five years." Mattbacca nodded slowly, meant that the short Wookiee was one of the champions, if not The Champion of this bunch. Most new fighters survived a week. "All the new ones will fight each other tomorrow, the five that remains, are lucky." Five out of at least twenty. Now Mattbacca started to feel worried, now he understood he could actually die. "If you survive, I might just teach you how to stay alive." With those words, she left him on his spot, and walked away to another end. If he survived this first fight, he was in the clear. He heard hissing, and turned to see the Trandoshan glare at him. He knew which his first opponent would be. After a souplike meal, Mattbacca managed to sleep some, even if it was an uneasy one. He had nothing to fear in the room, if someone died by violence, the trader would get very mad, usually torturing the killer to death, in front of an audience, of course. "The people of Mos Espa! Today, we bring you fearful creatures from the inner rim, creatures that have killed innocent humans, and tried to weaken our superior specie! Today, we bring you them! In their primitive minds, they only think of killing! Watch these creatures, in their pathetic fight for survival!" Mattbacca saw the doors open into an arena, and with the other new fighters, he was pushed out into the middle. The audience were sitting in a circle around them, high up. A small arena, only hosting some three hundred people. Spread out, and when the commentator says Kill, kill. In the end, there will be five survivors, if not, we kill of some until we got the right number. Got that? Mattbacca and the reast moved away from each other when the voice of the trader were repeating themselves in his head. Shooting glances sideways, he found the Trandoshan, staring and hissing. "Kill!" The crowd started cheering as the slaves started to bash at each other. Mattbacca gracefully dodged a slow punch from a Zabrak, and flung it away with his right arm. Then turning to find the Trandoshan, Mattbacca saw it busy with a Mon Calamarian. Hearing the attacker approach, Mattbacca jumped sideways, making the Neimoidian miss him. He let out a warcry, and flung himself at the creature, making them both fall to the ground. With a strong punch, the Neimoidian left this world. The Wookiee got to his feet, looking for another attacker. Seeing only eight fighters were still alive, all fighting someone, Mattbacca backed into a corner. There he quietly waited while another four slaves died. The crowd was cheering wildly, and the commentator started praising the fighters effort. The doors opened, and wearily, they all walked in. Mattbacca saw the Trandoshan, clutching a cut wound on its right arm. "Another day, vermin" It hissed at Mattbacca before a sluggish medic brought it away into another room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted January 15, 2005 Author Share Posted January 15, 2005 Wonder how often I should update this story... And is really Wildjedi the only one reading this? I thought of launching a RPG based on it.. But with just one reader.. Maybe a stormtrooper one... "This is shuttle Q-3 going from Mos Entha to Mos Eisley. Welcome aboard" Zamar wearily sat down on the hard floor. He had left in a hurry, leaving one of his droids to do the necessary things such as selling the house. He had notified the authorites about it, even though he knew it never helped. They only cared about Bestine, meaning that was the only place where they had stormtroopers. A tailor leaving a town wasn't such a big thing, and watching over an empty house, even though that was why Zamar paid his taxes, wasn't even on the priority list. Travelling on his bantha, he had reached Mos Entha just after a week. The first shuttle to Eisley had been due to leave five minutes after his arrival, and a ticket had quickly been purchased. From Eisley he would take the first starship that was due to leave. Probably Lok or Naboo... Those planets weren't too bad... Well, at least Lok wasn't. Zamar let his eyes sweep the shuttle, which was simply built with a cockpit and a single big cargohold, which was filled with people. He was sad he had been forced to sell the bantha, but the new owner didn't look that evil. Zamar could feel the engines gaining power, and for a while his mind drifted off to planets and rides with starships. The shuttle slowly lifted, a bit too shaky than usual. "We have a slight problem with the engines, but it will soo..." The speakers exploded, and the lights went out. Zamar heard the screams and felt the panic rising in the cargohold. He quickly pulled out his spare clothes, few but hopefully enough. An explosion was heard, and the shuttle suddenly tilted to its right. Zamar felt himself press against the wall, and felt a big bag of dirty laundry bounce into him. He grabbed hold of it and then started packing it into his clothes. Another explosion, and then Zamar felt how the engines gave up. Peoples screamt in terror, and Zamar leaned back. The shuttle flew towards the ground, and the last thing Zamar felt was himself flying off the floor. "Of course, the shuttle had to hit the medical centre! And just as we had installed the new bacta tanks! Now what do we do with him?" Zamar was pain. Pain was everything. And still, these voices, penetrating the pain. "We will just have to patch him up like the refugees do." "You mean bandage him? Look at him! He is lucky to be alive! What bone hasn't he broken? How long will it even take before the bandages are taken off him?" "You got a better idea?" The pain regained its control of Zamar, and he drifted off into a dreamworld. "Doc, he's awake." Pain. Was there nothing else? "Splendid! Em..Hello there. I know you can't speak, and please don't try to speak, or move...or open your eyes...Em..just lie there would you?" Zamar felt boxed in. Moving? The Pain was in control, and it did not want Zamar to move. What was so strange about the doctor's voice? "Oh, he's drifting off..." "Ok, he's been here for what? One month now?" "One and a half" "Identity? Family?" The Pain was there, but still not. It was waiting. Zamar was tired, even more tired than usual. What had happened? "Ok...so, I guess another month, and then he will get out of this state, and then, what? Three months before the bacta tank arrive?" "Yes, if we are lucky even faster." Chuckling, and then he heard footsteps. So tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weiderudare Posted January 17, 2005 Author Share Posted January 17, 2005 Got a lot of feedback...em..not...well, people actually read my story on this forum: http://forum.mosentha.com/viewtopic.php?t=2852 Realized I update there more than here... So I need to spam this one a bit more I guess "Wake up sleepy" Zamar woke up, and felt less tired, and no longer in so much pain. "Don't move yourself, your kinda much one big box. The refugees have their methods, but they are extremly primitive I must say." He tried answering, but couldn't move the jaw. "Well, we have no idea who you are, and we can't really treat you efficently. The shuttle you where on crashed into the medical center, we managed to salvage some equipment, and that's what we been using on you. I don't know if I can say I'm happy you're the only survivor, but at least for you it is. The resources we have are barely enough to treat you." Zamar filed the information. At least he was relatively safe from the thug, since no one knew who he was. "But on the good side, we think...I mean hope that a new bacta tank will arrive within the next three months. The medical centre is of course, ruined, thats why I put you in the hotel." Hotel. Zamar nodded mentally. This was as good as anything. He now had time to think. He would have smirked if he was capable of it. When didn't he have time to think? "Try to get some rest. In another week or so, I will check how your jaw is going, it wasn't badly damaged in the crash. If you're lucky, you might be able to speak within a week." Speak... Zamar hadn't spoken more than necessary in years. What had he to talk about? Footsteeps, then complete silence. Another week passed, and then the doctor came again.This time he carefully examined Zamar's cheek before taking the bandage of his jaws. "Try talking, but please don't shout... heh...don't want you to break it again first thing." Zamar carefully seperated his lips, and then softly spoke: "I am." Chuckling. And was that giggling from behind the doctor? "It's great to know that. Now, I know you're still tired, but could you give Anon here some information? Name and such?" Zamar searched his tired brain for a fitting reply and spoke once again. "I'd be delighted." Silence, and then someone pulled up a chair and placed it on the left side of the bed. "Ok, my name is Anon, and I'm the doctor's assistant. I would like you to fill out this form right here. Since you were in a pretty bad shape when we got to you, we didn't even have time to take any data like this. So...le'ts start with name?" "Indeed. My name is..." For a moment, Zamar thought about making something up. But what did it matter? He was already half-dead. "Your name is...?" "Zamar Alin Retylinga" He heard the information being taken down in the datapad. "So, Mr...Retylinga, how old are you?" "I don't know. I would guess thirty-something." "You don't know how old you are?" This always happened. It seemed to most people that age was important. What was age anyway? If it was counting by experience, he was well over a hundred years. If counting by weariness, he was older than time itself. "No. I forgot my birthday." "Right..." A short pause. "So, you know the name of your mother? Father, friends?" "I don't know." She sighed. "What do you know?" Zamar hesitated with his answer, what did he know? "That life, is one, big, catastrophy. That somehow, life evolved, and by some nick of fate or whatever, humans were a fact. The disease on the galaxy." "Ok... I meant more about yourself, but thanks for the....interesting perspective." "I'm a tailor by profession, I have no house, my belongings are all gone I guess. And that's it." She sighed again, and then quietly left the room. What do I know? Nothing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Hmm... Zamar sounds sort of depressed... and yes, it would seem I'm the only one reading this here... at least I'm the only one interested enough to post. As for how often you should update, update as often as you like... I'll post when I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShadowTemplar Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 It's good. I like it. But... Paragraphs are your friends, invite them over. I also have a little trouble remembering all the different people and their subplots... If it was me, I think I'd have introduced them more gradually. And it would probably be a good idea to give the reader a somewhat more thorout introduction to each character: Species, height, build, etc. The scene with the Imps torturing that bloke Polk: I didn't reckon that Imperial torture would leave physical marks. Solo wasn't scarred by the treatment he recieved at Bespin. "But I...Had no idea!" "Look, you have ten seconds before I shoot you on the spot, your not enough important to be taken in!" "But, but, you can't do that!" LOL. Reminds me of a game of SW RPG where my character started yelling police brutality at a Stormtrooper when he was arrested for possession of an illegal gun... Ah, that was a great game. BTW: What's with your AV? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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