Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Ergh. What's the situation they're in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I don't know Milla's been kidnapped and Sasha didn't do it. No one knows she's gone yet. Just give me anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Well, alright. Is she gone in the very beginning? Or is the beginning explaining how she left/was kidnapped? How are you going to explain her being kidnapped if she's psychic? I'm helping, really. I'm TRYING. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Okay um she was kidnapped by a person who was psycic that was not Sasha but was like him. Then somehow the people find out she was kidnapped and they go to rescue her then stuff happens. But right now in ch1 She's already been kidnapped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Is it started with a 'Milla walked through the door, to find a man waiting for her?' Or a 'Milla was nowhere to be found...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 It starts with Sasha waking up and then going to headquarters doing stuff and then realizing Milla ios gone. He asks oleander about it. And Oleander says she's probalby shoping with her cousin. So Sasha's fine for a while until her cousin calls looking for Milla. He finds out Milla never came home last night.... Then he's looking for Milla... that's it so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I have no idea what to start that with. I'd start with a few paragraphs of thinking and scene transitioning and stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 .... I just need a quote any random thing that pops into your head. Anything..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I am here to bring swift doom upon those who write Psychonauts fanfiction. First off. Like the idea, pretty original. Originality is lacking in people today, and we need it! Milla walked out of her car. She looked around at the campground. She wondered why Sasha had asked to meet her here. He said it was really important. He walked to the empty campsite and sat down. She looked and saw no sight of Sasha. He had been acting strange lately. It was weird. They had just started dating. But surely that wasn’t the cause of the call. Sasha walked up and sat down next to her. It sounds a little choppy when such short sentences are used. Try to combine sentences or use different ways of constructing a sentence. Such as using adjectives in the beggining: Silently, she she made her way to the courtyard. Bad sentence, shut up. Or try using DCI's. Dependent clause, comma, independent clause. Most DCI's start with such words as: After, although, as, because, if, since, that, though, unless, until, when, whenever, while. An example of that would be. "Unless you do your chores, then I will not let you go to the party." You don't just have to do DCI's you can have Independent and Dependent NO COMMA. Independent or Dependent COMMA Independent. Most of the stuff I'm writing down is just for general use when writing, I don't want you to think I'm forcing this squarely on you. Though it really does seem like I am. They had just started dating It would be better if you explained how they started dating in the story. Besides that, great start! Post up the other sections of the story when you feel like it. But be carefull...I'm always lurking around the next corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Anything? Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink! Right, sorry. Not helping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Anything? Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink! Right, sorry. Not helping. Dude..why? Why post when I used up all of my English language thinking skills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Dude..why? Why post when I used up all of my English language thinking skills. WTF you talking bout? Shinzuku wanted a quote/anything that popped into my head. OMG i hate u. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tahnee Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Is this before or after the game takes place? If it's after, I would be really, really tempted to have at least one "I didn't do it!" from Morry once people find out she's been kidnapped. Just to inject some random hilarity into it. Otherwise, I don't know. And yeah, Sasha can be really tricky to write--it's hard to find the right balance between reserved and not, what he'd be willing to say and what he wouldn't...particularly in really emotional situations when everyone else around him is reacting to varying extremes (like, everyone finds out Milla is kidnapped), it's almost insanely hard to decide how he'll react. I mean, you don't want him reaching for the kleenex or going into fits of rage, but at the same time, if he doesn't show any reaction, he just comes off as cold-hearted to the point of being sociopathic. Yeah, he's not easy to work with, sometimes. Although for some reason I always thought Milla was the harder to write of the two...go figure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I find Milla harder to write. She's an extrovert yet she doesn't like to show things that are hard for her to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I edit because I change my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Okay It happened afterwards. They're just together. okay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I get the feeling we're stressing you. If you need help, you can ask. Or not, in which case everyone will read your fic anyway because it's going to be cute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Okay It happened afterwards. They're just together. okay I'm sorry. I know how hard it can be for people to edit others writing. I really do know. It makes me sad because here I am spending my time, energy, and love on a project only to have it ripped apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 OMG! I have 1,007 posts and I didn't even notice. Holy ****...I am now a big time on the boards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Yay good for you... I'm fine.Okay I'm almost done with ch1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Wow. Klia is one of the big dawgs, now. You were just an exception before, but now you are truly cool. Project? You're working on a big project--that will be what? I want to hear about this. Is it something we've seen? Something related to Psychonauts? Or school? Argh. Shinzuku, I can't wait to read it and steal some ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 http://www.livejournal.com/users/shinzuku/2529.html Ch2. Milla's lost. No one's seen her. Sasha's left. And nothings making sense anymore. Quarentee: If this fic is any better then it sounds, you get your money back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Wow, you used my quote. I feel... fuzzy inside. Hang on, I'm going to C&C. If you want it, I mean. And would it be okay if I asked why Milla is living with Amari? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinzuku Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 C&c? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Squid Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 Alright. I'm putting it in spolier tags in case someone who hasn't read it is here. The little parenthesis comments made me snort, but they may not be entirely appropriate. Instead of explaining why he doesn't have a car, because we aren't quite sure if he has one or not, you could find a reason to have him walk. And as much as I love you having my quote in there, someone is going to mistake that for a 'dramatic build up/hint' kind of thing. There are some missing commas in places, but they aren't that noticeable unless you look for them. Longer sentences would be nice, as would paragraphs, but you don't need to change the length. That's really all I have to say about it, though someone else might have a word or two. I loved it, and it entertained me. I'm actually wondering about Milla. XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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