DISTURBED 1 Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Oooookay, so for anyone who has been following this project, you all should know by now: I don't follow deadlines! in case you hadn't noticed, i had said almost every time that i would post the next chapter over the weekend. obviously, i lied, as every time, it has been weeks, if not months after when i actually get around to posting it. okay, so here we go: 1) sorry for keeping you waiting (not to sound egotistical). i've been busy with lacrosse and band for school, and a lot of other stuff (i.e. girls)!! 2) please remember, i encourage anyone with ideas on what other possible additions should be to post them up here!! please, if you have ideas, post them!!! it would help me a lot!! (just remember to put a title on it saying: new idea, or rough draft, or something) 3) the next chapter SHOULD be up by next week, but i can't guarantee anything 4) from here on out, all new chapters will be put up here. on this thread. 5) FOR ANYONE PISSED AT ME ABOUT THE GEORGE BUSH THING, I'M SORRY FOR BEING POLITICAL. I WAS JUST REALLY MAD ABOUT EVERYTHING GOING ON, AND I FORGOT THAT I SHOULDN'T PUT IT UP......HOWEVER, I STILL DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHEN IT COMES TO POSTING RULES!!!! (YEAH THAT'S RIGHT ADMIN!.... okay im joking, please don't delete my account! i won't post anything like that again....hehehe (embarresed laugh)) okay, well that's all, and have fun! peace out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Infinite XÆr0 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I've read over your 3rd chapter, and i vaguely remember reading the first chapter. The idea that you wanna keep in mind when writing a story, is that you want everything planned out, every bit and piece of it is supposed to have a purpose, every pattern, absolutly everything. Instead of just revealing the story to us one chapter at a time, it would be better to show us step by step where you plan on going with the plot, what themes/archetypes you plan to include, what sort of unique flaws/strengths the main character possesses, etc. This way, if you mess up, or we (the community) dont like where you're going with the whole plot you wont have to go back and waste time rewriting chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 wow its awesome that there are a lot of llamas, (*cough*), I mean people reading this! you know what's funny, i always have considered myself a writer, mostly 'cause my dad was an english teacher, but i never really applied the whole 'writing concept' or whatever you wanna call it to anything i did. but yeah, i can see how that would be REALLY helpful for this project. thanx for the idea! i will try to get an outline done and up here by next week, but again,i'm not guaranteeing anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 I. OPENING PHASE A. Ice Cave and Opening Sequence 1. Here, we are just gonna see Jaden's lightsaber building scene, in the ice cave, bla bla bla.... II. CHAPTER ONE A. Orientation 1. This is just gonna show the orientation and master' assignments thingy.....then cut to training in-game B. Training C. Mess Hall Scene 1. This is gonna show Jaden, Rosh and other trainees, including Ali (if you read the other posts, you know who im talking about), getting food and eating supper in the mess hall. Rosh is, as usual, being a brag and generally a pompous idiot. Ali looks over at Jaden, who just shakes his head and laughs. THis gets Rosh riled up, who makes fun of Jaden for being slow in the training run. Jaden responds by standing up, glaring at Rosh and saying "if you're so fast how do you explain losing your TRAINING saber huh?" Of course, Rosh denies losing it, then feels around for it and not finding it, looks at Jaden, who is now holding Rosh's saber in his hand, making it twirl between his fingers (kinda like what Jack Sparrow did in the cave with the pirate coin, 1st Pirates of the Caribbean) but not smiling. He then tosses it to Rosh, dumps his food away, and leaves for his room. Ali looks at him as he walks away, frowning, then gets up and follows him. Just before she is gone she turns her head over her shoulder and says "you know rosh, you really shouldn't brag about cheating. he beat you fair and square, you just put a saber droid in his way. and try to hold on to that saber....before you lose it again." The other trainees chuckle, and Rosh swears. D. Saber Training Room 1. This scene shows Jaden practicing with his saber in the training room. Ali walks in, and watches him for a while. He just keeps to his normal deflects, and eventually she joins him. Both keep their eyes closed, and both prove to be exceptional saber users. After a while, Ali takes off her overshirt, having just her undertunic (basically two heavier girls tanktops) on and then ties her hair in a ponytail and spins around, deftly twirling her lightsaber and locking sabers with jaden. both of them finally open their eyes. Jaden:"You want to spar a little?" Ali: No response. She just smiles and strikes. Jaden blocks, smiling, and then they spar for a while. When they are done, they both laugh and both go to seperate showers. [No, there will not be any showing of them in their showers, you pervs.....jk]. After they are dressed, Jaden and Ali talk a little bit, then go to the bar (yes, the academy does have a bar!...its called the rec room) III. CHAPTER TWO A. Missions... 1. Jaden is on his first mission...this switches between Rosh's perspective, Jaden's and Ali's (on her own mission) perspectives[for the sake of normalacy, im gonna say it's the worm mission for Jaden, and i'll think of something later for Ali. Rosh is back at the Academy with Kyle training]. B. Break 1. Sort of a break between missions, this shows Kyle, Jaden, Ali, and a few other trainees and masters in the rec room (Kyle, Jaden, Ali, and Luke{who enters soon after this scene starts...} are of course at the bar). Rosh comes in from his training session, and sits down. Jaden and Ali talk to him for a while, then leave. Kyle and Luke both look at Ali and Jaden leaving, exchange glances, laugh and then start talking about the other students. Rosh tries to talk to Kyle and Luke, but they pretty much ignore him. Luke gives him something to do, and he leaves. C. Jaden and Ali working on Jaden's X-Wing. D. Next Mission E. Intermission Cutscene IV. CHAPTER THREE A. Rest of Missions(in first tier) B. Jaden's Dreams 1. This is the part about Jaden having bad dreams, and then going up to the top of the pyramid. Ali joins him, they talk, bla bla bla... a. this is obviously not the first day, so disregard that part of the script... C. Ali's Dreams 2. okay, i really can't elaborate on this, except she has nightmares, and goes to the pool room (think the pool area from the Dark Apprentice book, if you have read it...its underground). Jaden wakes up, senses her emotions, and heads down. she is only marginally surprised, and he jumps in the hotspring with her. they talk for a while about her dreams, then just talk about their missions and other students. pretty soon, they leave. both go back to their rooms, but don't fall asleep, and instead just meditate. D. Jaden dismissed to Hoth 1. Jaden is about to leave, after the whole scene with Rosh in the main hall, then Ali runs up and calls his name. He gets down, they talk for a while, and she gives him some kind of trinket. they argue about it (basically like aragorn's and arwen's argument over the evenstar thingy in Fellowship of the Ring), and eventually he keeps it. But he gives her his special necklace, and she slips it in her shirt. They both laugh and then they kiss. Then he leaves, and so does she. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- alrighty, that's it for now. tell me what you think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rozo100 Posted November 21, 2006 Share Posted November 21, 2006 two words. FREAKIN AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 Thank you very much....BooRah anyways, i just realized i missed a couple parts in between each mission that i had written...heh heh *embarresed cough*....i'm gonna post the revisions soon. also i can guarantee this time that the next chapters/outline will be up this week, since it's thanksgiving and i have a lot of free time. WHEW!!!! spread the word.....and llamas rock! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rozo100 Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 LLAMAS!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 Okay here are the revisions: Chapter II. A. Okay so besides showing Jaden and Ali on their respective missions, and Rosh training, this will also show Kyle and Luke and their respective roles in the missions. How? I mean that the game will switch between the player performing the mission and some long cutscenes. Not TOO long, mind you (no 10 minute cutscenes.....i hope:D). -----Jaden: He will be on the sand worm mission, since it is the easiest. Nothing really special here, but most likely there will be an extra cutscene showing before the typical beginning to this mission (where it shows jaden flying the shuttle): in this extra cutscene Jaden will be just leaving from the academy in the shuttle, and we will get a vision of his thoughts, as they drift toward Ali. Then, the screen will flash with red and black on the outside edges, we'll see him having his nightmares about his past (will elaborate on this later1), then everything will flash white, and it'll go back to the shot of the shuttle flying in. -----Ali: Okay I still have no clue what kind of mission she will be on, probably something just the same as Jaden, answering a distress beacon on a deserted planet. There will also be a shot of her thinking about Jaden. -----Rosh: training with kyle -----Kyle: training Rosh, getting frustrated, using mind communication with luke to vent. -----Luke: in communication with kyle, just reminding him that he can't get mad at Rosh. he is also talking with R2 about the breakin and the missing data. he also consults the jedi holocron about ragnos. B. and C. okay so here we are basically copying the part from the X-Wing:Rogue Squadron book series with Corran Horn, where he is fixing his X-wing. In case you haven't read the series, sorry i don't know which book it is, but try to get a hold of it. He and Ali and are fixing his xwing after being in the bar for a while (the break part). Ali asks him about his nightmares, and he shys away from telling her about them, saying she wouldn't understand. she gets pissed and walks away, he calls after her, but stays where he is. at this point tries to fix something else, but has a terrible seizure. At this point, there will be just another short cutscene with Jaden in the hospital, lying on the bed. Kyle, Luke, Rosh, Ali, and a group of strangers will be standing outside the window talking about him. (i will also tell later who the strangers are. i think one will be mara jade, and another probably admiral ackbar, but i'm not sure on that one.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- well that's it for the revisions for now. i would finish them, but i cant really think straight, so forgive me. the rest should be up this week....i hope:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rozo100 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted December 3, 2006 Author Share Posted December 3, 2006 by the way, the strangers will be probably be Admiral Ackbar and Mara Jade (still don't know why), Han Solo, Chewbacca and Leia Organa (again, don't know why, but there will be a good reason, trust me), Ali (DUH!!!), and Ali's sister father and brother, as well as Jaden's mysterious brothers, older and younger (their relationship to jaden won't be revealed for a while though), his sister and his mother and father. basically, they will be discussing the seizure and everyone will be revealing different snips of history about what they know....oh, probably the jedi scholar Tionne will be there, talking with Ali, Luke, and Kyle off in the corner....Jaden will get up and sneak out....going on his next mission --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ummmm.....so i wont be putting anything up here for a while....i mean a LONG while.....there's a whole bunch of **** going on in my life right now, and i am gonna have problems dealing with everything going on, plus the difficulty of being a senior.....so i don't know when it will be, but keep posted. thanks for being supportive of this story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted December 25, 2006 Author Share Posted December 25, 2006 soo, as to jaden's brothers, here's how its gonna go: ----if you have read the Eragon and Eldest books (by Christopher Paolini), basically the relationship will be revealed that way, when one brother (the older) turns evil (though not entirely by choice), and they have to confront each other, and the older one reveals a truth: they are brothers. ---------if you haven't read them, you should! they are great books, if you're into that stuff. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: DO NOT GO SEE THE ERAGON MOVIE!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SUCH CRAP! MY TIME WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER SPENT WITH MY HEAD IN THE TOILET!!!! ----the little brother wont know that jaden is his brother until after ^that^, when jaden reveals the truth to him. he wont be as messed up, though, as jaden will be, mostly because, like in the books, the older brother and jaden will be together a lot, be best friends, save each other's lives a couple times, and go through battle together, yadda yadda. ----oh, and the older brother wont klnow at first either, but will find out before jaden does. ******************************************************** jaden sneaks out of the hospital, ignoring the fact that he definetly shouldn't, and goes on his next mission. Ali finally notices and asks where he is, everyone is shocked and they start to leave, when the older brother smiles and chuckels. they all turn to him, and he just says: "he left about an hour ago. Jaden snuck out when you were all still arguing over whether he could leave or not. he's probably already flying his xwing." Kyle will start laughing, and everyone looks at him, then back at the older brother. Luke: "how did you know?" O.B.: "well it wasn't that hard to notice. i noticed the vitals were different, looked over and saw him sneaking out." Luke: "why didn't you tell us?" O.B.: "simple. he told me not too." Kyle: "its what i would have done. i cant think of anybody who enjoys spendng time in a hospital. besides, jadens a lot tougher than most of you know. give him credit." O.B.: "i think he was prob. ready to get up and leave two days ago, but stayed just to make sure he didn't miss anything stupid." Luke: "how would you know that?" Ali: "oh.....he's really good at, um...communicating with his mind. we talk to each other all the time that way.....especially when we're on missions." Kyle: "yeah, and now i'm starting to wonder. he told me about a dream he had a while ago.....it sounded like some kind of premonition...," (turning to O.B.)"do you know if he has had any of those before?" O.B.: "i think he has, when he was a kid. he might have been having more lately, b/c of whats happening. but to stop you right now: dont ask how i know or what is going on. i cant tell you. not yet." ....they all continue talking, then walk away, leaving just kyle, ali, and O.B. ********************************************************* thats it. there will be more up soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rozo100 Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 sweet. ERAGON RULES!!! ok dont go and see eragon movie...gotcha. (by the way.. whos O.B? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 oh that's just an abbreviation for "older brother", i haven't thought of a name yet. well have a happy New Year's Eve and enjoy! i will definitely put up more revisions soon. cause im getting freakin bored. btw has anyone read the republic commando book series? i just read number two and its really good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rozo100 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Ok cool, happy 2007! boo yah! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 yaaaaaaa.....so.....wow....... uuuummmmm, if you were waiting for me to put up more stuff, yeah, i kinda forgot i was writing this thing.....geewiz its been a while.... anyways, if you have my email (its dirtybigfoot@msn.com) and you want to include something or if you have an idea for the next chapter (since im running out of them, and im having trouble thinking about how to expand on the story anymore) email them to me and i will look at them and probably put them up as official posts. but yeah, so i will be writing more soon, i promise. ok i mean it this time. no really. STOP STARING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too-da-loo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted April 15, 2007 Author Share Posted April 15, 2007 so i just realized i'm a total jackass because i haven't put up any new storyline stuff! sorry again....i can't help it. i guess sometimes this isn't my biggest priority and i got bored with it once i stopped playing the game. but anyways, i just wanted to offer you a hint of what the ending will be =) so..........without further ado..........SEMI SPOILER WARNING!!! ...... Ali, Kyle, Chandler, Nevin, and Rosh , accompanied by the last few remaining jedi, continue their grim march to the ancient battlefield. Grumbling amongst themselves, Rosh and a few other jedi start to protest this march. Rosh : "Why are we doing this anyway? There's no way we'll get in, and with Ali here he'll probably just order his ships to blast us from space as soon as he sees us!" Nevin : "In the name of the gods, don't you ever shut up?! Now I understand why tried to kill you! I would have too if I were him!" Kyle : "Stop arguing you two! Rosh , you should be ashamed of yourself! You have been given a chance for vengance, and you weren't killed. So suck it up and keep going! And Nevin , I'm dissapointed. I thought you and the rest of your people were famous for their restraint. Just ignore it and hope your brother hasn't already heard us. His hearing is amazing. So from now on, we're officially in stealth mode!" Nevin and Rosh exchanged a glance and continued walking on. Soon enough the jedi warriors reached their lookout point. Sneaking up on the hilltop, Kyle, Nevin, Ali and Chandler gazed down upon this bleak and broken landscape. Twisted tree trunks and spires of black stone adorned the ash red battlefield. Broken and torn bodies littered the ground. But it was none of these horrible aspects that caught the jedis' eyes. It was the horrible mountain in the center of the valley. Black stone and mortar mixed in this twisted fortress of evil. A mountainous spire of darkened rock, schored by countless lightning strikes and power storms rose above the ground and into the clouds. Hundreds of fortified towers clung to the mountain side. And the ominous chill of evil seemed to leak from every orifice in the stone, permeating the ground, the trees, even the very air around it. A foul wind blows, and they all shiver. Ali and Chandler, though, pick up their heads to look at the fortress for a different reason. Nevin : "Of course, he has to pick this spot for his hideout. Pathetic. (he spits in to the air) I thought he was better than this." Kyle : "What's that supposed to mean?" Nevin : "This is a forbidden place to my people. Our great forefather built this ancient place as a lookout. It was meant to be a bastion of good; a symbol of hope to my people. And it was for thousands of eons. But Jaden has corrupted it with his dark powers. This was the most holy place to us in all of our culture. And to ruin it like this....he no longer deserves any sympathy from my people." Kyle : "I don't understand. Why is it you don't resent him for killing all that knew for a home? He ruined the jedi temple, the beautiful forests, and your own ship, and all you care about is some big mountain fortress?! How is that possible?" Nevin : "Easy. I don't get attached to much that isn't something of my people's. I've had too many parts of me hurt by the many evils our race has fought against. But never in a thousand years did I think he would defile our most holy shrine. That's fine if you don't understand. You were attached to the jedi temple. I get it. But I wasn't. That's all." Ali and Chandler, meanwhile have snuck over to an outcropping of rock. Hiding, and listening, Ali turns to Chandler. Ali : "Did you feel that a while back?" Chandler : "Yes, I did. And I know what it means. But I am afraid to tell them." Ali : " He's here, isn't he? I know he is." Chandler just looks over, nods, and goes back to watching. Kyle and Nevin sneak over, still arguing, and crouch behind the rock. They all exchange quick looks, Nevin confirming what Ali and Chandler have felt, Kyle starting to catch on. Suddenly a calming peace settles around the outcropping, and the whisper of the wind floats on the leaves like a harp being lightly struck. This peace only lasts a short while though. Soon a gale wind blasts through the area, the momentary peace banished. But the wind dies soon enough. Hunkering down in their makeshift bunker, the four jedi try to come up with an idea. But again, a cloudy sort of peace settles down on them again. Kyle : "Why do I feel so alone all of a sudden?" Nevin, Chandler, and Ali : " IT means he's here...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DISTURBED 1 Posted December 31, 2007 Author Share Posted December 31, 2007 ALRIGHTY, I"M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I never completed the story. Just kinda forgot about it, ya know? But I think I'll start again on it. Not like I really have a whole lot to do in college or anything. So if you start seeing more posts and parts of the story cropping up here and there, read 'em. If you're interested. I have to revise it a bit, cause I looked back over it and some of the story didn't go the way I really wanted it to go. Plus, I recently found out there is a mod that continues the dark side ending, so after I play that, I'll work on the story with some new ideas. Thanks for reading it back then, and hopefully you'll like the new and continued version when I post it. Expected date of post for first few chapters: Feb. 15th. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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