brief Posted February 19, 2001 Share Posted February 19, 2001 I'm strangely reminded of some jokes I've read on the Internet over the years... There's one poem that I can't find right now (have to wait til I get home to look for it on my computer), but here are some that should be interesting... BTW, FrenchyD, I think you look good in that picture... If I said more, people might accuse me of being a pedophile The Constitution of Love We, the lovers of the heart, in order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the Mighty Hug, and to promote to whom we please, but plese the one we kiss. Article I -- Statement of Love -- The Kiss [*]On the hand--I adore you. [*]On the cheek--Just friends. [*]On the neck--I want you. [*]On the lips--I love you. [*]On the ear--Just joking. [*]Anywhere else--Don't get carried away!!! [*]Looking into your eyes--Kiss me. [*]Hands on the waist--I love you too much to let you go. [/list=a] Article II -- The Three Steps [*]Girls--If a boy gets too fresh, slap him. [*]Boys--If a girl slaps you, kiss her. [*]Boys and girls--Close your eyes, it's rude to stare. [/list=a] Article III -- The Three Commandments [*]Thou shalt not squeeze too hard. [*]Thou shalt not ask for a kiss--thou shalt take one. [*]Thou shalt kiss on every opportunity [/list=a] Remember... <blockquote>A peach is just a peach, A plum is just a plum, A kiss ain't a kiss, Without some tongue. So open your mouth, And close your eyes, And give your tongue Some exercise!!!</blockquote> Chemical Analysis of Woman (Sexist) Element: Woman Symbol: WO Discoverer: Adam Quantitative Analysys: <blockquote>Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified.</blockquote> Occurence: <blockquote>Found wherever man is, but seldom in highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.</blockquote> Physical Properties: <blockquote>Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated. Very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but is attracted by coins and sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indescernable except to the experienced eye.</blockquote> Chemical Properties: <blockquote>Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C<sub>2</sub>-H<sub>5</sub>-OH and sexy aftershave lotions. As essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.</blockquote> Storage: <blockquote>Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.</blockquote> Uses: <blockquote>Highly ornamental, especially in the passenger seat of a sports car. Used as a tonic for low spirirts. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).</blockquote> Tests: <blockquote>Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.</blockquote> Caution: <blockquote>Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.</blockquote> ------------------ Vroom Vroom!! [This message has been edited by brief (edited February 19, 2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frenchyd Posted February 19, 2001 Share Posted February 19, 2001 lol.. thats pretty sexist!!! it's all good though.. pretty funny ------------------ http://www.geocities.com/liquid_water4/ Visit my site? and Sign the guestbook? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagnusB Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 Where exactly did you find this. It`s really funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 I read them in newsgroups somewhere... the ones I thought were good were stored into my computer. However, since I'm not at home right now, I did a web search for some keywords to find these, but there are some others that I just can't find. Another one I found fun, and relates to relationships is the "Saying Goodbye in the Information Age" messages, which I think works even better in the WWW forms format. So I made some non-working forms on my site. You can take a look at them if you want, available for both men and women. ------------------ Looking for an ornament on the passenger seat of my sports car. [This message has been edited by brief (edited February 19, 2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frenchyd Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 niiice, i sent it to a friend of mine and he wrote back saying: huh? what was that? your breaking up with me? since when are we going out? huh? lol! anyways... still single... what do you expect, im not that exciting. ------------------ http://www.geocities.com/liquid_water4/ Visit my site? and Sign the guestbook? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 Hey, here's a Chemical Analysis of man, as a rebuttal/companian for the one for woman.... Chemical Analysis of Man Element: Man Symbol: AH (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element) Discoverer: Eve Quantitative Analysis: <blockquote>Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6'0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ kg.</blockquote> Occurance: <blockquote>Found following duel element WO, often in high concentration near a perfect WO specimen (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast).</blockquote> Physical Properties: <blockquote>Obnoxious when mixed with C<sub>*</sub>-H<sub>*</sub>-OH (any alcohol). Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with WO (Snore... zzzzzz). Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14<sup>th</sup> year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the WO common ore.</blockquote> Chemical Properties: <blockquote>All forms desire reaction with WO, even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several WO isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with whatever is available. Reaction rates ranges from aborted/non-existant to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with SA, the sex analyst). Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet, to violent/bloody.</blockquote> Storage: <blockquote>Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.</blockquote> Uses: <blockquote>Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for WO...</blockquote> Tests: <blockquote>Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.</blockquote> Caution: <blockquote>Tends to react extremely violently when other AH interferes with reaction to a particular WO specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.</blockquote> [This message has been edited by brief (edited February 19, 2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 Okay, here's the "poem" I was looking for... Women <font face="Times New Roman, Script" size="3">If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing If you don't, you are not understanding If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man' If you don't, you are half a man If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls' If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk Oh God! You created those creatures called "women" So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable O Lord, tell me what to do. Amen.</font> ------------------ "I ran into my ex-girlfriend the other day.... Then I backed up and ran into her again. I miss her sometimes." [This message has been edited by brief (edited February 20, 2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 Originally posted by Frenchyd: niiice, i sent it to a friend of mine and he wrote back saying: huh? what was that? your breaking up with me? since when are we going out? huh? lol! anyways... still single... what do you expect, im not that exciting. I wouldn't say that... If I were about six years younger, and lived.. oh, a few thousand miles closer.... Boys just need time to grow up to be able to recognize what's good. Unfortunately for many boys, that specific amount of time could be an eternity... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Smirk Posted February 20, 2001 Share Posted February 20, 2001 They don't treat your kind that nice in the joint, brief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 21, 2001 Share Posted February 21, 2001 Originally posted by Captain Smirk: They don't treat your kind that nice in the joint, brief. For what? Missing my ex-girlfriend? ------------------ If God had meant for man to smoke, He'd have set him on fire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Smirk Posted February 21, 2001 Share Posted February 21, 2001 Yeah...for...missing your...girlfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rufio Posted February 21, 2001 Share Posted February 21, 2001 smirk, UR BACK! nice! oh yeah i still say girls suck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frenchyd Posted February 21, 2001 Share Posted February 21, 2001 Originally posted by newfoundgloryboy: smirk, UR BACK! nice! oh yeah i still say girls suck! no boys just have cooties ------------------ http://www.geocities.com/liquid_water4/ Visit my site? and Sign the guestbook? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Smirk Posted February 21, 2001 Share Posted February 21, 2001 Hey, nfgb. What've you been up to? And Frenchy... ...I must've gotten them from you. Wait...who said that? Wha, what? Is that a paddy wagon I hear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagnusB Posted February 21, 2001 Share Posted February 21, 2001 Originally posted by Frenchyd: niiice, i sent it to a friend of mine and he wrote back saying: huh? what was that? your breaking up with me? since when are we going out? huh? lol! anyways... still single... what do you expect, im not that exciting. I don`t agree, you are really cute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rufio Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 nothing much here captain ::salutes:: i just finished swabbing the starboard deck, and am going to prove that girls are CLUELESS!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natty Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 Australian guys are gay, literally, I mean all my guy friends are either gay or bi, I swear, Australia must have the biggest gay/bi population in the World, and I'm still yet to find my dream guy But, deep down, guys aren't that important, as long as I got my friends, and my family, and my pooter and moozik and my doggy I'm happy Has anyone ever been in a relationship where they've basically had to choose between their bf/gf or their friends? or had to choose between friends in general? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frenchyd Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 why, thank you ! ------------------ http://www.geocities.com/liquid_water4/ Visit my site? and Sign the guestbook? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 Originally posted by newfoundgloryboy: oh yeah i still say girls suck! Well, I'm sure that not all girls suck, and some guys suck, too.. Some people like others who suck. ------------------ <a href="http://www.CapCorpHQ.com/WASHU/" onMouseOver="window.status='Washuu´s Academy of Science and Higher Understanding';return true;" onMouseOut="window.status=' ';return true;"><img src="http://www.CapCorpHQ.com/images/Join-WASHU.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0" alt="[Join #WASHU#]"></a> "They're the suckiest teams that ever did suck." -Homer Simpson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rufio Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 i guess im just bitter because all the women i come in contact with are DUMB, i mean how many guys out there still write chicks poetry.. not too many... and u'd expect it to make a slight impression on someone when u read this poem to them. however i dont think girls understand the BLATANTLY OBVIOUS. its always "stop joking around" or "ur so cute" but they never get it do i have to spell it out for you?? cause i did and tht didnt work either Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 Ah, women. Can't live with them. Can't kill them. [This message has been edited by brief (edited February 21, 2001).] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Smirk Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 Ouch...the bitterness of it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brief Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 Bitter.. who, me? I'm not bitter. No, not at all. Hand me that knife sharpener, won't you? Heh heh heh.... ------------------ "Woman. Woe-man! Whoa---man!" -Mike Myers, So I Married an Axe Murderer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagnusB Posted February 22, 2001 Share Posted February 22, 2001 You should see the girls in my class, they are so immensly stupid, that you won`t believe it! They will soon have to make a new grade system for them, below the worst of the worst! On tests, they just write their name, and send it in! Man!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegaMonkey Posted February 22, 2001 Author Share Posted February 22, 2001 Lol you guys and girls are funny FrenchyD: I'm about 168-170 tall right now, and as I'm a boxer, I've achieved some muscles and now I really can walk on the beaches Ah, if I just could send thy' a picture of the present me. I've learned to love myself; heck with a girlfriend. I know I can get one if I want hehe. ------------------ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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