[FIN]The Hardest Thing

[JediMaster12]

A songfic about Atton making a choice over who has more hold over him. A first time songfic attempt by the author with lyrics from the song The Hardest Thing by 98 Degrees. Huge thanks to mach, Emperor Devon and Mama Jae for their aid.

 

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[JediMaster12]

The Hardest Thing

 

He charged up the ramp as if there was no tomorrow knowing that he only had a short time. Atton knew what he had to do as he was heading towards the quarters that he used to share with Bao-Dur and Mical. When he got there, he stopped and looked in and around the dormitory, making sure she wasn’t around.

 

We both know that I shouldn’t be here

This is wrong

And baby it’s killing me, it’s killing you

Both of us trying to be strong

 

Atton knew it was killing him. He didn’t want to but he had made a promise. Ever since Malachor and everything before, he decided to changes the rules of the game. This was to be the last match for a very long time. He went to a footlocker at the end of the room and began to rummage through it.

 

I’ve got somewhere else to be

Promises to keep

Of someone else who loves me

And trusts me fast asleep

 

He had made a promise when he realized things had to change. The cards had been dealt and he was going to follow through or bust. He was playing Republic Senate rules but he realized that it was going to be a high stakes match. He wanted to get rid of one player but a new one had come into the den. The match wasn’t over yet as he continued to rummage through the footlocker looking for what he wanted.

 

I’ve made up my mind

There is no turning back

She’s been good to me

And she deserves better than me

 

The good times were over. The match would be the last of its kind. It was frustrating as various items flew out. The last straw was when the spare deck of pazaak cards went flying. Before it got out of hand, he found it nestled next to yet another deck. He pulled it out and placed it in a sack that he managed to grab. Now that the hard part was over, he went to find the others.

 

It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do

To look you in the eye

And tell you I don’t love you

 

The galley was tolerable, if you could stand whatever it was that came out of the synthesizer. The table with its accompanying booth seats made up for it. It insured that the match would go smoothly. Reaching into the sack, Atton pulled out what once was the most beautiful thing he knew of. The sack he put next to what passed for a sink. He started taking the others out and dumping them in the sink. So far the match was going well. He turned towards the last one on the table. It stared back at him, almost laughing. He said, “I’m glad this is over. You’re going down.”

 

“Who are you talking to, Atton?”

 

Damn! Atton turned to see a new player enter in the match. It was as he feared: it became a high stakes match. Serena Korrin was a tough player, and a pretty one to boot. She entered the galley with a smile on her face telling him that she was pleased to see him. Using his best pazaak face, he replied with a smirk, “Talking to myself because I feel like it.”

 

It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to lie

To show no emotion when you start to cry

I can’t let you see what you mean to me

When my hands are tied and my heart’s not free

We’re not meant to be

 

“Alright if you want to talk to yourself,” Serena smiled in a teasing manner.

 

Great. This just keeps gettin better and better. Atton smirked at her as he whisked the sack behind his back. “Hey everyone needs to talk to themselves once in a while.” He maneuvered towards the trash compactor and tossed it in.

 

“Fine but what are you doing with that?” she pointed at the table.

 

Don’t let them know that you’ve been had. Play the bluff.

 

It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do

To turn around and walk away

Pretending I don’t love you

 

“Just something that I decided to do a while back,” Atton replied absently looking at where Serena was pointing. He looked at it and thought of what else to say. This was the hardest thing about his whole plan and it wasn’t even in an ideal setting for him. With Serena there, it was hard to turn away. He was afraid that she would laugh at him for what he was about to tell her. He glanced at her and saw that she was waiting for him to continue. At least she was a willing listener.

 

Then we’ll meet again

Fate has a place and time

So you can get on with your life

I’ve got to be cruel to be kind

 

“You remember that time after Onderon when we played pazaak?” Atton asked. He was relieved when Serena said yes but was surprised when she blushed at her answer. It wasn’t going to be easy to keep the pazaak face any more. It would probably be better if he just came out and said it. Meeting her gaze, he continued, “That and a few other instances made me decide something.”

 

“Decide what?”

 

“Well I wasn’t happy the way things were going and I decided to change it. Something had to go,” Atton shrugged. It was the wrong thing to say but he was never an eloquent speaker and Serena didn’t expect him to be. Yet it cut him to the heart to see the look on her face.

 

“Why?”

 

Like Dr. Zhivago

All my love I'll be sending

And you will never know cause

There can be no happy ending

 

“Well, I found someone worth all my time and attention and I decided to set priorities,” Atton explained not liking the reaction that Serena was giving him.

 

“I see,” the reply came quietly.

 

He replied, “Look. This is hard for me to admit but you gave me a chance to be something bigger and better than what I admitted to being before I met you. I want to make sure that we have an equal understanding.”

 

“And you really want to do this?” she asked him.

 

“I had a love but now I have a new one and she’s one that I wish to keep,” Atton replied and gently kissed Serena’s cheek. “It’s for myself that I am doing this because…well I don’t want to be that person I was any more.”

 

“So what are you going to do?”

 

“I’m gonna end it.” Atton moved towards the table. Now was the time to make the move with the tiebreaker card. “Time to dry out my liver and pour this down the drain.”

 

Atton didn’t see the surprised and confused look on her face. He was about to pour the last bottle of juma down the drain when she asked, “Why not one more? For old time’s sake?”

 

Atton turned to look at her and found her smiling deviously. The stakes had changed and now he had the bad hand of the pazaak deck. She was waiting for an answer and he gave it to her, “Why not? There’s always tomorrow.”

 

The warm smile on her face was all that he needed to be reassured. He handed her the bottle and grabbed a couple of glasses. He asked, “You know you’re going to regret this right?”

 

“Like you said, tomorrow is another day. Besides we can celebrate together.” She smiled at him.

 

As much as he loved the fun with juma, he knew he loved Serena more and would gladly give anything for her. This time the deck was stacked in his favor this time. The old love of his life was gone and the new one was standing right in front of him. He knew that he would never need the old one ever again…after tomorrow. He poured them a drink and they raised their glasses and said, “Off with the old.”

 

It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do

To look you in the eye

And tell you I don’t love you

 

 

The End