Rabish Bini Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 You could just write it in MS Word where it will automatically show you any mistakes, or download Firefox 3 which shows you any mistakes also Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted August 2, 2008 Author Share Posted August 2, 2008 Thx! <3 you 2!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 Guyz, I'm sorry I couldn't bring a new chapter for such a time, and I can't post a new on yet, cause I'm working on a machinema thing for the Fic. As soon as I'm close to finished that, I'll post a new chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Don't worry about it, I take a while to post new chaps too. Just take your time with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted August 19, 2008 Author Share Posted August 19, 2008 Meh... That machinema thing may last a lill' longer then expected, so I'll post a new chapter now... Hope you will enjoy it! *Note: The name is Davrel- the boy that you must beat in the Battle Circle in TSL- not Devril, Lirissian's friend from the first chapters. Chapter 7: Davrel… “I think it’s the time to get rid of those pesky Mandalorians! Lt, what’s the status of our guns? “Sir, they are fully loaded. The attack can start in any moment.” “Then, let’s wait no longer. Commence the bombing!” A distant sound, resembling the hurl of a powerful wind was send through the space… “What was that? It sounded like gun blasting, but not ours!” 5 seconds later an explosion in the engine room. “Sir, *we* are under bombing!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Hmpf! Smug sith! They were stupid enough to believe clan Ordo will suffer the same fate as Isis! The cloaking device the Iridonian invented is really helpful, as helpful as your information, caporal Lirissian.” “It is my job, Mandalore, and it’s also an honor, to stand along with the man my father admired so much!” Mandalore remained silent for a moment, after hearing that. He reflects on the fact that he drove Bralor to death, by sending him on Onderon. “But sacrifices must be made! And, through the death of Bralor, a younger soldier, with great potential was born!” thinks Mandalore, realizing that *he* admires Lirissian. “Too bad he gave you his wife’s name, Flaut, not his, Ordo.” But Lirissian also remains silent after hearing this. Mandalore didn’t knew his father gave him the Mandalorian surname, but he chose to be called Lirissian Flaut, not Lirissian Ordo after his parents death. But the thoughts pass, and the silence remains, broken from time to time by the hurl of the guns. “Those four capital ships are almost scrap heaps” voices Mandalore, proud of his intelligent victory. But something snaps in Lirissian’s head… “Four?! Wait, shouldn’t there be five?” And the answer is given: an explosion at the cloaking device chamber. The ship becomes visible in the black vacuum, and the enemy that’s left is also unknown. “That last ship must also have a cloaking device. But how did they spot us?” The answer is only known to Lirissian, as he feels something dark moving around the battlefield. “There’s a dark force user on that ship. He probably sensed a Force Sensitive.” “That Force Sensitive may be you, or Trask!” accuses Mandalore. “No… We learned to hide our presence in the Force, when we trained for the ‘special’ Violet Company. There’s someone else here, someone untrained in the Force!” “Hm… Never mind that! But can’t you track that Sith, as he also did?” “I will try!” Lirissian sits on the floor, and closes his eyes. As he swims deeper in the Force, a calmness cloud covers everything, and becomes denser… then weaker. It almost disappears and fear takes its place, as Lirissian becomes visibly more nervous and agitated in his meditation. But suddenly he opens his eyes, stands up and directions the guns. “Fire!” That generic hurl again, three seconds of waiting, and a huge, gigantic ship unveils in distance, Despite the fact that everyone on Mandalore’s ship searches for his reactions, none is given. The huge Sith ship fires one more time in the fuel compartment and a big explosion scares everyone on the bridge. “We need to get to the escape pods!” “Not yet, Mandalore! If that ship remains intact though it has the engine room destroyed, it will destroy the Mandalorian fleet and armies that are still on Dxun. We need to make it un-operational.” “We have no time, the ship will explode!” “Yes, but I can delay the explosion enough so we can get this ship close to the Spith Capital Vessel.” “One explosion, two ships out of commission… An end of battle worthy of a Mandalorian! But are you sure you can do that?” “Very! Start manning the ship towards the enemy!” The Mandalorian ship comes closer to the Sith one. And because the Spiths are blocked in that position, the outcome of the battle becomes more visible. Tenths of pods leave the Ship and fall upon Onderon, as one big explosion generates another, bigger! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Our luck we all crashed near this abandoned and unknown fortified camp…” “It may not be that unknown as you believe, Mandalore.” says Trask. “From this camp we gathered that intelligence.” “Huh… We should start building some defenses, the Spiths may attack us in soon…” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two days later… “Lirissian, look at that rain cloud! It’s coming really quick.” “Trask… I don’t think that’s a cloud.” As the so called cloud approaches, it’s becoming more clear for Lirissian. “That’s a huge group of… flying drexls… WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Go for bunkers, they will bomb first, and then take high positions! We need to take them out!” There isn’t too much time for preparations, as the bombing of Drexls starts. As soon as it’s over, the mandalorians start crawling all over the places and take in high positions. The battle is a massacre, as the drexls pick soldiers and crush them in the air. The mandalorians fight with everything they got at hand, throwing grenades in the drexl cloud above them, firing rockets, shooting with blasters and everything they got at hand, but another wave of bombing kills all the morale and spirit the soldiers have left in them… A huge drexl approaches a wall and grabs a young mandalorian, by reflex he tries to hang on something and his hand reaches a backpack, useless on the moment. As the drexl flies further from the base the young soldier is crushed in its claws. But the boy has enough power to pick a vibroblade. He tries to harm the drexl, and eventually it stabs it in the heart. But now he's in a free-fall, an imminent death awaits the mandalorian, or so he thinks until he observers the backpack he picked is a parachute… He equips it and opens it. While trying to find a suitable landing place, he spots a crashed ship, and soon he lands near it. While checking it he observes that the heavy guns the ship has are still working. He mans them, and fires them in the cloud of drexls. And as every rain cloud, this drexl one also rains, but it doesn’t rains water… Instead, it rains drexl corpses. Soon the battle is over, and Mandalore, Trask and Lirissian decide to travel in the direction the gun was firing from. They soon discover the hero standing tired on a portion of short-grass-covered land. “Davrel!” “Oh… Mandalore!” “Mandalorian, you have just gained the title of hero!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Another nice chapter, and I liked Davrel's part, but there were some errors I noticed, like: “Lirissian, look at that rain cloud! It’s coming really quick.” “Trask… I don’t think that’s a cloud.” As the so called cloud approaches, it’s becoming more clear for Lirissian. “That’s a huge group of… flying drexls… WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Go for bunkers, they will bomb first, and then take high positions! We need to take them out!” You should put in who says what after the line, so people don't get confused as to who's speaking, I noticed you did it a couple times. Overrall, a nice chapter, good work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted August 21, 2008 Author Share Posted August 21, 2008 Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted October 2, 2008 Author Share Posted October 2, 2008 Chapter 8 Scarface …”and tonight, the Immortal that goes by the name of Sterookie hooks his wrath on a fresh face in the arena…The Scarface!” Those faint words… followed by a shake. Lirissian abruptly opens his eyes, oddly woke up by the darkness around him that seems to ascent slowly. In the panic of disorientation he tries to figure out where he is, what happened… and… “why my head hurts so bad?” But this quick wind of thoughts faints away, as a light opens over his head. He realizes he’s on an elevator, and hears the crowd that is above him. The elevator climbs the boy to what seems to be an arena. He shakes his head, he looks around him, amazed by the big construction. A quick check at his pockets and the backpack, and surprisingly, all his gear is with him. But something rises from a hole in the floor… “This must be the biggest Stereb I ever saw!” is the reaction of Lirissian on the sight of his enemy, as the boy realizes. And before he realizes anything else, he is attacked by the big creature. A quick dodge is enough. Lirissian draws his pistol, and shots the Stereb in the head. The result: the blast ricochets, and an energy shield becomes visible on the Stereb’s body. A quick thought… “maybe I can beat him using his lack of speed against him.” But “Sterookie” grabs a stimulant out of his bag near the shoulder, and sticks it in his leg. Not surprisingly, that stimulant boosted his speed. Sterookie attacks again, Lirissian dodges again, but this time the Stereb is quick enough to grab Lirissian with his left arm. He brings his second hand upon Lirissian, and tries to crush him. And as the power inflected in the crush is greater, the blood pressure increases and the scars of Lirissian go from green to purple. Eventually… they start to bleed. But a self conscious power kicks in… The hold of the Stereb becomes weaker, like it tries to crush something very solid and in expansion… Then, an explosion of energy throws the Stereb away. Lirissian falls… but he quickly gets up. He points his hand at the Stereb, and he slowly closes his hand. “So you know the pain you inflict!” screams the boy at the big creature, who seems to be crushed by something. Several seconds past, and the Stereb starts to scream… But an electricity bold strikes down Lirissian, making him pass out. __________________________________________________________________________ “Eh… Where am I?” says the boy waking up… “In your cell… Our cell…” is the answer given by a man with slightly darker skin and long black hair… Lirissian’s first reaction is putting his hand at his pistol… Or at least that is his intention, cause he finds himself unable to do so… “Don’t try to move… You suffered pretty badly from that crush. But it’s still a mystery how you survived it.” says the man. But Lirissian remains silent… thinking… And eventually he asks: “Where are we? What is this place?” “Well, we are on Rattatak.” „Um... What is Rattatak?” „Its a planet. One that revolves itself around wars, conflicts and gladiator games. We are in one... The game of the Ventress WarLord.” „Gladiator games... How do they work?” „Well, it’s simply a tournament. But it has some special rules...” „Rules? I was thinking of everyone’s for himself and fights ‚till the death.” „Well, you’re pretty wrong... It’s not everyone for himself. Every gladiator has a pair. If one gladiator dies, his pair also dies.” „What’s the purpose on that?” „Well, probably to show the crowd as much as blood as possible... Though the crowd isn’t always that thirsty. They have the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If they let someone’s life, then that person becomes an Immortal, and he is not allowed to die... never. Instead, his pair dies. That’s why you got shocked yesterday. You were facing an Immortal.” Satisfied with the answers, Lirissian starts to think of what he should do. Then he remembers about his companions. „Wait! You know where my friends are?” „You mean the decorated Mandalorian and the Republican Officer? They are in the cell in your front... They are still incapacitated. They also faced Immortals and managed to win... To be honest, you won their match.” „What do you mean?” „When you crushed Sterookie with... the Force... they did the exact same thing in the exact same time. They fought in the other arenas in the same time with you.” Lirissian remains stunned. He knew that Trask is a Force User, after all, he is a member of the Violet Company, where there are only Force Users. But Davrel... He is also a Force User. And he also realizes there has been made a Froce Bond between them. He remains silent, thinking of what he should do. He eventually asks: „What is the prize for the tournament winner?” „He has the opportunity to choose a freighter from the Big Hangar, and leave Rattatak” „Um... My name is Lirissian by the way... Lirissian Flaut.” „Mine is Mattne Dohvak.” __________________________________________________________________________ *Several weeks after* „And here is the match you’ve been waiting for! The traitors, the four gladiators who plotted against our Lord, Ventress, are fighting each other with only the fists in a deathmatch here, in the Main Arena! Only one man will stand after this battle!” From the four holes on the ground, four sad people rise... They prepare… And the start is given. But they remain in the same spot, doing nothing… Moments pass, and the crowd is becoming more agitated. Ventress appears on a throne, at the highest point in the arena. “You better start fighting, or I’ll have my guards slaughter you!” says the Lord trough a microphone. Lirissian strains his eyes, and sees the expression of Ventress. He remembers that face… “That person… that person is the one that assaulted our Basilisk. That’s how we ended up being here!” Some guards approach the boy, preparing to execute him. Lirissian puts his hand at the pocket, and draws a disruptor pistol. “From where he has that weapon? THEY SHOULD’VE BEEN CHECKED, AND ALL THEIR WEAPONS SHOULD’VE BEEN TAKEN!” shouts Ventress, without realizing Lirissian was already incapacitated the guards, and is pointing the gun at him. “Ha, ha! If you think you can aim me from such a distance, you are wrong!” But *he* is wrong. And he doesn’t have time to realize it, because a second later he is on the ground, with a hole in his forehead. The crowd points it’s attention to the empty throne, a thing that Lirissian and his friends use. They activate the Stealth Generators, and run through the main gate at the Hangar. “Let’s grab a freighter and leave!” says Mattne. “Let’s take the battered one… The one that looks like a hawk. Seems to be most capable.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 Hooray, another chap, I did notice a few mistakes though, in the first line the "and" should have a capital A, and such, but a nice chapter overall, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.