[nsw-fic] The Trouble Team: An EQ Riesenfest (Novel Try #3!)

[Tysyacha]

(Author's Note: Yes, this is my third try at an EQ novelization, and mach, you don't even have to review this series if you don't want to! I am totally going to try to finish this through to the end, and it's more about the characters in the story than the "leveling plot", anyway. This "Laughter Fest" is actually about 85% funny and 15% serious, but when the serious parts hit, I intend for them to hit hard...)

 

THE TROUBLE TEAM: AN EVERQUEST RIESENFEST

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

THE BARD: "Is life but a dream, or is a dream but life?" --Traumer, Human Bard who follows Quellious the Tranquil

 

THE CLERIC: "It is my duty to protect Nature, even though Nature, in her wisdom, does not always protect us." --Healariel, High Elf Cleric who follows Tunare, the Mother of All

 

THE WARRIOR: "My name Smasheadz. Me smash heads!" --Smasheadz, Ogre Warrior who follows Rallos Zek, the Warlord

 

THE MONK: "The aim of martial arts is not in winning a thousand battles, but in avoiding a single fight." --Shudokan, an Iksar Monk who has lost his faith in Cazic-Thule, the Faceless

 

THE WIZARD: "The process of causing objects to explode is a very satisfying one!" --Splozhina, a Gnomish Wizard who follows Solusek Ro, the Burning Prince and Lord of Flame

 

THE DARK KNIGHT: "I'm a Teir'Dal, a Dark Elf. That means I hate everyone and everything, including all of YOUUUUU!" --Lady Nenavizhu, Dark Elf Shadow Knight who follows Innoruuk, the Prince of Hate (and has just now flown into a homicidal rage against the other members of the Trouble Team!)

 

Prologue: Dark Knight Wanted

 

*Splozhina, an eccentric Gnomish Wizard, shakes her head sadly.* I can't believe that Lady Nenavizhu, the greatest and most powerful Dark Knight on the Trouble Team, just tried to kill us all! Of course, I should have seen it coming, she being a Dark Elf and following Innoruuk, the Prince of Hate. Why wouldn't she fly into a homicidal rage at the slightest non-provocation?

 

Oh, fiddles and flames! You know what we had to do in order to stop Nenavizhu (she really was no Lady, after all) from turning us into Sentient Shish-Kabobs upon her bloody, dark blade? That's right, we had to kill her, and we're not sorry we did. Smasheadz, our loyal Ogre Warrior, struck the final blow--see that flat dark blue spot over there with the white hair? That's Nenavizhu, and in Solusek Ro's name, I say good riddance! Of course, that means we need another Dark Knight on the Trouble Team, and to tell you a Gnome's honest truth, I'm not all that excited about recruiting one.

 

We could always go back to Neriak, where there are plenty more Dark Elves, but whom are we kidding? Why would we fall into the exact same trap we did now? Fool us once, shame on you, fool us twice--! There are the Human Dark Knights, of course, but they all either follow Innoruuk or Bertoxxulous, the Plaguebringer--yuck, yuck, yuck! The Ogre and Troll Shadow Knights would not only kill us, but send their skeleton pets to do so and make steaks out of our burning bodies. There are the Iksar, but Shudokan, our Iksar Monk, just can't stomach anyone who is a devoted follower of Cazic-Thule right now. He's lost his faith, poor thing, though in my opinion it's for the better. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and worshipping Fear totally reeks! I could turn to one of my own kind, the Gnomish Knights of the Dark Reflection, but they follow Bertoxxulous and I can't stomach him. Yeeks!

 

I guess that's why the six--er, five--of us are all stuck here in a mysterious and dragon-ridden land called Crescent Reach. Maybe there are Dark Knights to be found...

 

*Smasheadz turns his massive Ogre head and points.* "Unh! Unh! Over dere!"

 

Who is that, I wonder? Seems like a tall, red-headed lass to me, and unless I'm mistaken, that's either a tattoo or an intricate full-body scorch mark!

 

*The Red-Headed Lass approaches.* "Raboty? Raboty sevodnya?"

 

*Smasheadz scratches his enormous bald pate.* "Huhhhhh?" *Does it again.*

 

*Splozhina smiles and touches Smasheadz's gigantic hand.* "She's looking for work, dear, and I believe we have some for her. I believe that's what she's trying to say, for we Gnomes study all the languages of Norrath before venturing out into the world." *She turns to the Red-Headed Lass.* "Hello, stranger. May I ask if you're looking for work today?" *Smiles at her.*

 

*The Red-Headed Lass nods energetically.* "Da, da-- I mean, hello! I am, in fact, looking for such work, and my name is Astiy Atathina. I--don't exactly know how I got here, or when or why, but I do know that back in my Human town of Qeynos, I was thinking of studying the ways of the Dark Knight." *She blushes, knowing that particular path is not well-favored in Norrath.* "I mean, would you accept me as a part of your group if I--?"

 

*Healariel, the High Elf Cleric, raises a skeptical eyebrow at the Red-Headed--I mean, Astiy.* "Perhaps. We are looking for a one such as yourself, but in my own humble opinion, we need no Dark Knights on the Trouble Team. We are a guild, not a group, and I demand you treat us as such. We are no ragtag band of wanderers, subject to whatever whims we have that--"

 

*Smasheadz glares at Healariel.* "You, Elf Girl--shut mouf now! Me like her." *He turns toward Astiy.* "Hi, hi. In my oppy--uh--you in. You in our guild!" *Astiy beams, winking happily, and wonders who all the rest of us are.*

 

*I, Splozhina, introduce us.* "My name is Splozhina, highly eccentric Gnomish Wizard of the Eldritch Collective, and these are the members of our illustrious Trouble Team! Over to my right are Smasheadz, our stalwart Ogre Warrior, and Healariel, our High Elf Cleric. Behind them are Traumer, our Human Bard, and Shudokan, our Iksar Monk. We travel and adventure together as a guild, as Healariel said, and we welcome you aboard with open arms! The only provision I would ask of you now, Astiy, is that you sign a contract that solemnly swears you won't try to kill us--like our last Dark Knight did." *I cast a spell, Summon Contract, and with another spell, Clauses and Provisions, the contract is filled with legal language binding Astiy to her pact not to kill us.*

 

*Astiy takes the contract and the Bone-Tipped Pen that I hand her. She pricks the palm of her hand with the very sharp tip, drawing blood, and signs with an elegant flourish. I'm absolutely flabbergasted!* "Ehm--I had ink!"

 

*Astiy winks.* "I'm a Dark Knight--what other kind of ink would I use?" *We all laugh, and then I assign our new recruit her first task.* "Astiy, the first thing I'd like you to do is help us figure out why we're here, and what all that roaring and snorting is up above our heads." *She nods, and we set off.*

 

So far, I am rather pleased with Astiy. For a Dark Knight, she seems nice enough--not the sort of one that would fly into a rage and kill us, if you know what I mean! Healariel dislikes her, I can tell, but then I suspect that Healariel secretly dislikes everyone except the wolves and bears she's trying to protect. Smasheadz shares my goodwill, and I'm glad, for Ogres often think of nothing but how delicious a stranger they meet may be for dinner! As for the other two, Traumer and Shudokan, they seem to have "card game faces" so far. Never fear--I believe Astiy shall win them over, too!

 

Mayhap that's why we came to Crescent Reach, but there may be other reasons as well...

[Tysyacha]

Chapter I: Splozhina Meets Keikolin the Enlightened

 

*Splozhina, our eccentric Gnomish Wizard, sits and narrates as before.* Astiy Atathina, our new Dark Knight, suggests that the reason we all might be here in Crescent Reach is to learn about and meet the Children of Veeshan--six magnificently huge dragons who are descendants of the Wurmqueen herself! She also says that each of these dragons will deign to speak with lesser mortals such as ourselves if we prove our worth to their half-Human children, the Scions of the Six, who form a great head Council in Crescent Reach. I agree that we should speak with both the Council and the dragons, and Astiy proposes that we each pick out one dragon and one Council member with whom to speak. With nods all around from the rest of the Trouble Team, we all proceed to select "our dragon" and "our Scion":

 

*Astiy Atathina speaks.* "I will speak with Atathus, the Red Lord. I believe that he is my father, who came in Human form to my mother in Qeynos." *Everyone else blinks, including myself, but I dare not say anything rash!*

 

*Healariel, after recovering her composure, sniffs derisively.* "As for me, I shall speak with Venesh, the Greenblood. Out of all these beastly dragons who constitute--Veeshan's Children--he is the only one who seems to care about Nature and growing things. His is the only wisdom I wish to receive."

 

*Smasheadz raises his giant hand to speak.* "Me take black one! Black one!" *He refers to Draton'Ra, Master of the Void, who is indeed black. I sincerely doubt, however, that Draton'Ra will give our Ogre friend a warm welcome.*

 

*Shudokan sighs, almost imperceptibly, and we can all see the sorrow and fear in his eyes.* "There has been a storm, a raging river inside of me ever since I abandoned Cabilis and Cazic-Thule to travel here. Perhaps Osh'vir the Blue, the Windspirit, can help me find the calm and peace I need to pursue the path of the Monk." *We nod, and--is Astiy touching Shudokan's hand?*

 

*Traumer clears his throat and announces his intentions next.* "Mysaphar the White, the Seeker of All Wisdom, is whom I wish to contact. I am a dreamer, after all, and I yearn to know the mysteries of life, both my waking life and my dreaming one." *Strange--how can Traumer recite such awful poetry and sing such terrible songs, and yet say profound things like that?*

 

*It is my turn, and there's only one Council Member and dragon, luckily!* "That leaves me with Keikolin the Gold, the Enlightened, and I am glad of it. As a Wizard, I always wish to broaden my intellect, and Keikolin will help me do so most optimally if I speak to her. Let us all begin our quests, friends."

 

So we do, and I discover that our first task is to speak with Council Aide Mystrana, who serves the Scions of the Six. She directs us to the individual members of the Council, the Scions themselves, who in turn direct us to make cloth banners to prove our allegiance to Crescent Reach. After we complete that task, which may seem unimportant but may prove vital in our goal of gaining the respect of the Council and the dragons they serve, we proceed to address the Scions of the Six. I speak to Council Member Myjinn, the illustrious first-born son of Keikolin the Enlightened! It is such an honor...

 

"I am of Keikolin, yes," says Myjinn. "My Mother's children are collectively called the Golden Chalice. We are the vessels into which Keikolin's knowledge is poured, and it is this knowledge which allows us to protect Crescent Reach to the best of our ability. It is this knowledge which I wish to impart to you, Splozhina--a bit, a tiny drop, but it will be enough to show me, my Lady, and Crescent Reach that you are true in your allegiance and your motives." Myjinn then proceeds to give me the grand quest to speak to Keikolin:

 

"I would like you to gather and read three materials that describe Crescent Reach and Veeshan's Children. One is a book that you should ask for from Library Assistant Geejulin. Another text, a tattered note, is on one of the dusty library shelves. It may seem like an empty piece of parchment, but if you cast the spell embedded into it, its words will suddenly appear. The third is another, I suspect wet, document hidden in the groves near the water of Osh'vir's Lake. After you peruse these materials, return to me and I will ask you three questions. If you answer correctly, you may speak with Keikolin. If not, our disappointment will be great, and you must get the materials again." I nod, find the three documents for which Myjinn asks, and learn quite a ream of information about this fine city and its dragons and Scions from only a few short pages! When I return, Myjinn asks me his questions, and I answer:

 

"What is the name of the Ogre architect who originally built Crescent Reach?"

 

"His name was Nokk," I say, and Myjinn nods.

 

"What was the name of the plane that the Ogres and the other creatures born of Rallos Zek invaded that caused them to be defeated and cursed?"

 

"The Plane of Earth." Myjinn nods again, his golden face unreadable.

 

"Final question: The half-dragon children of Veeshan were born when our draconic blood touched which mortal race here upon Norrath?"

 

I think of Astiy. "Human," I reply. Myjinn winks and smiles at last. He gives me formal permission to address Keikolin the Enlightened, his golden Mother, and I bow to the Councilmember and leave their sprawling chamber. When I find her, she is resting in her elevated cave, although awake. Keikolin says:

 

"Vasha, friend. That is our word of greeting, what we dragons use to bid each other a warm welcome. As you no doubt know, my name is Keikolin, formally called the Enlightened by my children, the Golden Chalice, and by those who wish to pay full respect to me. I myself respect an inquisitive spirit, good Gnome, and therefore I respect you. You have so willingly learned about the Six and what we wish to achieve to preserve Veeshan's bloodline. You've learned of our city without regard for your own race as the greater. You have answered my son's questions with humility and reverence for the rudimentary knowledge he wished to impart to you. Most of all, you have faced your fear of the unknown to come speak to me. I thank you, Wizard."

 

I smile warmly. "Enlightened One," I say, not daring to call her Keikolin, "I have a question. Why are my friends and I, collectively called the Trouble Team, really here in Crescent Reach? I originally assumed it was so that we could find a new Dark Knight to help us in our travails and who would not try to kill us, but something tells me that's not the answer--not the final one, at least." I struggle to look Keikolin in the eye--she so grand and I so tiny!

 

"Perhaps you have all come," replied the Enlightened, "to find a new home?"

 

Answering a question with a question! I laugh in sheer delight. This is the way of us Wizards, forever speaking in riddles and conundrums, and from that moment on I know that Keikolin and I are going to get along just fine...

[Tysyacha]

Smasheadz Meets Draton'ra, Master of the Void

 

*Smasheadz, the stalwart and powerful Ogre Warrior of the Trouble Team, narrates.* Okay, de first thing we do is tries to figure out why we all here. Dis city is so confuu--uh, it mix me up. It called Crescent Reach, but me not see any crescent rolls dat me CAN reach. Dat make me hungry! Drat!

 

Anyways, dis redhead Astiy girl--she Dark Knight, and purty one--she say we all here to meet dragons. Good, good! Me smash dere heads if dey's mean. Astiy says dere six of them, and they all have names dat me no can say. Me just call them Red Dragon, Gold Dragon, Green Dragon, White Dragon, Blue Dragon, and Black Dragon. Me wants to meet Black Dragon. He look like he wants to fight. Fight me will, and me will win! Me go right up to him and say:

 

"Hey, Black Dragon. Hey, you, up dere! You wants to fight? Me fight youse!"

 

*Draton'ra, Master of the Void, coughs derisively.* "You dare address me, Ogre?! You--have much to learn. Go and see Council Aide Mystrana to complete some menial work before you find the gall to come up here again."

 

*Smasheadz scratches his shining pate.* "Meee-nial work? Wut dat? Never mind, me comes back up here and fights you after me see--uh--Council Aide Missy. Me goes away now, but you best gets ready to fight, Black Dragon!"

 

So me go sees dis Council Aide Missy lady, and she mean and snotty just like da Black Dragon, even though she gots green hair and is not a dragon! Ha, ha, ha! Anyways, da "meee-nial work" she wants me to do is go grab some books and try to read dem. Stupid lady! She not know me can't read. Me Ogre, for crying out loud! Me smash heads! Okay, den she tells me to talk to da Si-yons of da Six Dragons, and me talk to da black-haired guy. His name Vakk'dra, and he tell me to go to dis other lady dat sews stuff and--make a banner? Dat STUPID! Me wants to talk to Black Dragon and fight him NOWWW!!! Anyways, me make dumb banner and take it to Vakk'dra.

 

Vakk'dra happy! Yays! He tell me to go get some stuff as some kind of big projekt so me can go talk to da Black Dragon and den fight him. More yays! First me go and get some smelly meat from da butcher, Katorr. Dis meat so foul and smelly dat even ME not want to eat it! Yuckies! Me try to ask Katorr what is da meat, but he not tell me. Maybe it from garbage bucket. It reeks! Me take meat back to Vakk'dra very fast. He happies! Den me go get a bone, no, not from wolf-doggie--from up on third floor with bunch of skeletons! Me not gets chance to fight dem, but me not care. Me wants to fight DRAGON!!!

 

So me ask Vakk'dra what to do next. He tell me to go outside, and me do. Vakk'dra wants dis blue squishy thing dat is magic. He says the fishing skeletons outside have dem, so me goes outside and smashes one's head! One thousand yays! Me gets da blue squishy thing and take it to Vakk'dra, and me also give him da skelly bone. He very, VERY happies, and he say dat me can go speak with Black Dragon now dat me has done his big projekt!!!

 

So, me goes back up to speak with Black Dragon and fight him, but he say:

 

*Draton'ra, Master of the Void, speaks after fixing Smasheadz with his most condescending stare.* "So, Ogre...I see that you have learned the ways of shadows and death! This pleases me. In--simpler language--that is good. Lowly and without scales you are, but you seem to be worth more to us alive." *He clears his ebony-scaled throat.* "If you agree to help us, I will give you great rewards. Do not betray me, or you shall pay the price! Power, wealth, fame, glory in battle--it shall all be yours if you swear to aid the Six! I shall be your master, and you my servant. What say you, Ogre? Remember that if you sincerely wish to find the Void, you will never return from it..."

 

*Smasheadz scratches his head.* "Whut--NO! ME FIGHTS YOU NOWWW!"

 

*Draton'ra shakes his head.* "Don't be a fool, Ogre. It would take an army to defeat me, not just you, and I have given you such a chance as you may never see again." *He has a sudden idea.* "I--will--make you--strong."

 

*Smasheadz's face brightens.* "Whut? Youse make me strong?! Me strong, but me wants to be much, much more strong! Okay, me help youse a lot!" *Draton'ra smiles, his teeth curving into a sort of fond and fatherly sneer.*

 

So dat how me meets da Black Dragon. He make me strong. DEN we fight!!!

[Tysyacha]

Healariel Speaks to Venesh, the Greenblood

 

*Healariel, the Trouble Team's High Elf Cleric, brushes back her white-gold hair and narrates.* Let me make one thing clear before I begin my slow and tragic tale: I do not wish to be here in Crescent Reach. I've tried to convince my colleagues in our good-natured but misguided guild, the Trouble Team, to venture with me to Felwithe, my magnificent home nestled in the verdant forest of the Greater Faydark. Alas! Instead, what did that foolish Gnome, Splozhina, say? "We need a new Dark Knight." I swear upon Tunare's name--as intelligent as Splozhina is, she can be an utter simpleton at times! For starters, the so-called "Lady" Nenavizhu tried to slaughter us all in a fit of unprovoked hatred, and then her replacement, the lowly wretch Astiy, is not at all powerful enough for the Trouble Team and its dangerous adventures! She says we are here to meet and to learn about dragons, and I have no desire to do so, save to learn their weaknesses so I may slay them later!

 

*Healariel raises a delicate eyebrow that's almost not there.* What, you say? Dragons are nothing but murderous, monstrous beasts, fit only to face the wrath of Tunare and her pure-hearted servants! They stink of sweat and the essence of their foul natures, devouring all sorts of precious creatures to feed their selfish and ravenous appetites! If you think otherwise, wanderers, then you are just as foolish as the rest of the Trouble Team! What do you think dragons want from us lesser mortals? Either servitude, or hearty meals!

 

Astiy suggests that we are here in Crescent Reach to meet the children of the falsely-venerated Veeshan, the Wurmqueen and Mother of Dragons. Even though I know the only true deity in Norrath is Tunare, the Mother of All, I will play along with this little game. If I can gain the trust of the Wurms, become their seemingly devoted pawn and handmaiden, then it will be that much easier for me to sneak into their caves when I grow as powerful as Tunare wishes for me to become as her High Priestess. I will slay them one by one, starting with Draton'ra, the black Master of the Void, who is the most corrupt and evil. Then, in turn, I will put an end to Atathus, the Red Lord, Osh'vir the Windspirit, Keikolin the Enlightened, and Mysaphar, the Seeker of All Wisdom. I shall fulfill the purpose of my very life as a child of Tunare by killing Venesh, the Greenblood and False Prophet of Nature itself!

 

First, I will see what I have to do to gain the favor of the Scions of the Six, the foul half-Human children of these foul dragons. *Healariel goes to Council Aide Mystrana and sneers at her.* Reading books? Making banners? Is this servant's work, this fetch-and-carry, the only way to earn the trust of a dragon? Very well. We shall soon see who is the superior one in this case! *She performs the tasks with well-disguised contempt for what she's doing.*

 

Who is that scrawny maiden with the sickly green hair and that gaudy robe? Lizzrel seems to be her name, and she is the first-born of Venesh, the False Prophet of Nature. Good! I shall earn favor with her, and then when the time is right, I shall execute her in the name of Tunare before I move on to her Void-born father. She wishes me to do more fetch-and-carry, thinking that I myself know nothing about Nature and the ways of it. Little does she know! *Healariel goes out into the wilds of Crescent Reach and searches for three tiny objects that Lizzrel has asked her to bring back.* Let's see--a broadleaf from a tree in the Dragon's Grove, a shed scale from one of the half-Human children of the Dragons, and last but not least, a poisonous stinging nettle.

 

Ha! That fool Lizzrel does not even suspect how much like that nettle I am. By far, I am the loveliest creature in all of Crescent Reach and on the Trouble Team. My beauty drives men into fits of lust and desire, and women into fits of jealousy! The other members of my guild are all hideous compared to me, especially Splozhina, that wiry old Gnome, and that smelly Ogre, Smasheadz. The only one who might compare is Astiy--that is, if she were fully Human! Instead, she is corrupted by dragon blood and follows the wicked path of the Dark Knight instead of the holy one of the Priestess. Can Astiy be redeemed?

 

I'll find a way to have her serve me as the lowest of handmaids, but how? She is the one I fear, the one out of all the rest of the Trouble Team that might catch on to my plan to rid Norrath of the Six Dragons. She claims that one, the Red Lord, is her father, but I believe her as much as I believe that Shudokan, our guild's evil Iksar Monk, has lost his faith in the Lord of Fear.

 

In short, I believe neither one. As for the rest of the Team, they're all fools!

 

*Healariel hands the Broadleaf, Stinging Nettle and Shed Scale to Lizzrel.* Ah! Lizzrel seems satisfied that I have brought the worthless things to her, and from the look on her face, she does not even suspect what I want to do. She has now given me permission to speak with Venesh, the False Prophet and her supposed "father". Bless Tunare! The first step of my plan is in place.

 

*Venesh the Greenblood gazes warmly upon Healariel, who protects Nature.*

 

"I bid you vasha, or warm greetings, from Venesh the Greenblood! Here in Crescent Reach, I am Nature's ward, though I pay my humblest respects to Tunare, your Mother and the Mother of All. Do you know why Lizzrel asked you to gather the seemingly insignificant pieces of the trees and earth? That task was meant to show you that every living creature has significance, no matter if others consider them foul or disgusting. We all have our place within Nature, and it is our duty to protect and preserve it as we would our own lives. Of course, you know this, and thus I give you a final warning: Keep your eyes and ears open here in Crescent Reach, for the land may be quite unfamiliar to one such as you, used to the Elven forests of the Faydark. Udra, my friend. That means farewell for now. May Nature guide you!"

 

*Healariel gazes coldly into the waters of Osh'vir's Lake.* A liar, Venesh is. His teeth curl into an arrogant sneer, and his eyes hold the promise of hate and betrayal! Such is the way of all false prophets, Dragon or no! Here I shall pray to Tunare, the true Mother of All, for guidance and strength to do what I must do. Poison lies within his veins, not blood, but I shall have vengeance in the name of Nature! I must not let the rest of the Trouble Team know what my real goal is here in Crescent Reach, and with luck, Tunare will help me hide my intentions. Farewell, wanderers, and watch me grow strong!

 

*Healariel tosses her luminous hair, which shimmers glossily in the sunlight, and storms off. She will let absolutely nothing and no one stand in her way...*