Tysyacha

This game is not for PC! From what I've heard, it offers a more in-depth roleplaying experience than such action games *cough* er, RPG's as Dragon Age 2. I don't own any gaming consoles, so I consider this an injustice against PC gamers everywhere. Ripoff!!!

I approve of Birthday 2 for 1!

It's so weird...the game has textures, like a floor for crying out loud, that look like they have jagged lines running through it. Like my princess could fall through these 'cracks'. Thanks, stingerhs! I wonder what the H-E-7-7 is going on...

My screen is tearing all over the place, I can't get my character to move with the arrow keys instead of WASD, and I don't know if I can customize my Princess any more besides her clothing. Please help!!!

To liven things up and try and finish the game, I uninstalled and reinstalled the game in French! I barely know any French ("bonjour" and "Voulez-vous jouer avec moi aux echecs? Tu vas perdre!" is about my limit). If I don't know what kind of crazy thing is going to fall out of Hawke's mouth, that makes this game so much more interesting!!!! I find myself smiling and going "Huh?" when I get an earful of Varric's long-winded but suave monologues. Plus, I've played the game in English enough times to guess what they're saying in Act 1.

TYSYACHA'S LONG DA2 REVIEW Penned in gleeful anger by Tysyacha "Perdre" Hawke SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! FAIR WARNING! SPOILER ALERT! VERY FEW PC GAMES nowadays want to make me plunk down fifty dollars of my limited monetary supply for RPG joygasms. However, as soon as BioWare and EA's "Dragon Age II" digital download arrived on amazon.com, I was ecstatic. I didn't care about the price--all I cared about was the chance to revisit the wondrous realm of Thedas. At last, I'd find out what happened to my old friends Leliana, Alistair, Zevran and the rest! Finally, the wait would be over when it came to resolving the conflict between the templars and the mages! Most of all, my new hero, the Champion of Kirkwall, would equal or surpass my Warden in sheer power. Move over, Aeducan--here comes Hawke! I honestly tried to love Dragon Age 2. I tried. And tried. And tried... I shall divide my critiques into three areas: quests, choices and Hawke. QUESTS Quests are the bread-and-butter of role-playing games (RPG's), whether they be the chief storyline or simple missions that allow you to become acquainted with the game's fantasy world and characters. A quest that is truly worthy of this name, even on the most basic level, has three essential ingredients: 1) a quest giver; 2) a goal or objective, and 3) an outcome. "Talk to Merrill" is NOT a quest; "rescue Merrill from the clutches of a pride demon" IS. The former is simply a conversation lumped under the category of "quest" for simplicity's sake. BioWare and Electronic Arts seem to have forgotten this entirely. Or, perhaps a more sinister and disquieting rationale is at work here: gamers do not want to take the time to talk to their companions anymore, because it interrupts the game's main focus: combat, even in an RPG. In days of yore (read: Dragon Age: Origins, Arcanum, Baldur's Gate, etc.), it was simply a given that you, as the player, would roleplay your character. You would make a conscious effort to get to know the fantasy realm and its inhabitants, not simply figure out the best way to hack them to pieces. More on this point later. Aside from pitifully-short conversations mislabeled as quests, another major flaw of the actual quests in Dragon Age 2 is their failure to involve the player on a deep emotional level. Missions are carried out as routinely and joyously as a trip to the grocery store or laundromat, with about as much consequence involved. More examples of quests that aren't true quests are the various "lost object" missions: Open a chest or barrel, find a noblewoman's stray shawl or guardsman's pommel, and return it to the highlighted NPC in question. In all cases, the NPC does not seek you out and plead for your help with the necessity of finding this object. It is simply THERE, and you know that the story of Dragon Age 2 would still keep grinding on if poor Apprentice X never found his missing magical grimoire. THIS is the kind of thing that keeps gamemakers raking in profits year after year, but game-players ultimately frustrated and bored--meaningless quests. CHOICES There's a not-so-familiar old saying that "having only two options is not a choice. It's a dilemma". Such is the case, over and over again, in Dragon Age 2. Even in the original titles--Dragon Age: Origins and Awakening--there were several factors to consider EVEN IF you could only select one option over another. You had to weigh your "pros and cons" very carefully if you chose to aid the werewolves in their quest for vengeance and self-identification, or to favor a kind but ineffectual monarch over an effective but dictatorial one. This is almost never the case in this game. Granted, I never played it all the way through, but does "the Exotic Wonder of the East" come back to help or haunt you if you spare her life? What of the charlatan Miracle Makers? Do the Carta's newest recruits come up with an even crazier scheme to bilk the citizens of Lowtown out of their hard-earned coin? One never knows. "To kill or not to kill": that is the perennial question in Dragon Age 2. Even if some decisions do come back to reward you or bite you in the rear end, one gets the sense that all is not--and never would be--lost. In Origins, at least, entire regions of Ferelden would fall to ruin, and disaster would strike, depending on the paths you took. Not so much in this essentially-volitionless world. The only true choice you can REALLY make is the one I mentioned earlier. Never have I been so tempted to spare "evil" characters' existences... There are plenty of (even major!) quests with only one outcome, whether you "roleplay" with kind, funny, or aggressive dialogue options. The final result is the same. Merrill is recruited into your party no matter what, and your character must venture into the Deep Roads to get rich, regardless if he or she is disinclined. Certainly, some quests have more than one outcome, but by "more than one", I mean "two". You can side with EITHER the templars OR the mages. There is no "middle ground" or tantalizing "third option", where you can tell both sides to screw themselves and blaze your own trail. At least you could do that in Fallout: New Vegas, ostensibly not a BioWare game, but generally reviewed as worse than DA2 on such sites as GameSpot. "The power of choice", reported to be "unprecedented" in this game, is actually very limited. Either go left or right at the fork in the road. Here is a choice I wish I could have made in the course of Dragon Age 2. Instead of either A) handing the pirate captain Isabela over to the Qunari or B) dueling the Arishok to the death for her freedom, I would have C) taken Isabela's place as a prisoner, becoming the Arishok's loyal and humble new Karasten. Either that, or I would have D) fled Kirkwall with Isabela, leaving the rest of my companions behind if they did not wish to join me on the run. You can pick neither of MY two choices in the game. Care to guess why? HAWKE Perhaps the greatest flaw of the greatest sequel to one of BioWare and EA's greatest games is its hero. Hawke (whether s/he be "Marian" or "Garrett") is not a character. I wouldn't even call him/her an archetype (warrior, rogue, mage, hero, comic relief, villain). Hawke is a BUILD. It doesn't really matter what Hawke SAYS; it only matters what Hawke can DO. Meaning, how well Hawke can fight. Combat is the main purpose of this game, if not the sole purpose. If Hawke is not a bad@$$, s/he is no one, not even when s/he is crowned the Champion of Kirkwall (and possible viscount/ess). Even then, what is Hawke the champion OF? Justice? Nobility? Good-natured chaos? Perfidy? No one can really tell. That's because, in the case of Dragon Age 2 "champion" only means "winner" or "best fighter". You've won the game, and you earn a title to prove that you've won the game. That's it. No more. You only lose if you die, and no one wants to do that. Thus, you're slated to win. There are far more threads about how to "build" Hawke than Hawke himself or herself. "The Ultimate Vanguard", boasts one fan thread. "Anders Vengeance 2.0," boasts another, exhorting readers to beef up one of their companions. These are not characters; these are "bots", and only the strongest survive. At least my Warden, to her credit, had huge qualms over some of the choices she made. The only thing that my Hawke can regret is picking the side that s/he considers the "wrong" one in the end. All other things are considered equal. Ceteris paribus is the real name of this game, in the form of Hawke. No wonder I've always given her the first name of Perdre. There's no winning here for a roleplayer who wants to roleplay--and, even to lose. TYSYACHA'S FINAL SCORE: 6/10

THIS GAME A rant on BioWare/EA's most current Dragon Age release Sung to the tune of "Singin' in the Rain" by Gene Kelly This game--it is so lame. This game--it is so lame! An inglorious feeling: frustrated again. I'm laughing at crowds that spawn from above. No fun's in my heart. Oh, this game I don't love! Fifty gold I must chase, for a quest low and base. Its goal? Make you rich. There's a frown on my face! Roleplaying's in vain when you're writhing in pain. Dragon Age 2: this game--it is so lame! This game--it is so lame. This game--it is so lame! An inglorious feeling: frustrated again. The tall tale of Hawke is so dull, it makes me squawk. What's my favorite part? None! It's Varric's cheap talk. Let the Qunari chase everyone from this place. Gonna delete my savegames--a fifty-buck waste. Roleplaying's in vain. It's not meant for this game. Dragon Age 2: this game--it is so lame!

RESEARCH FACILITY INTERIOR--CATWALK "Velian, what the hell is going on? Do you copy?" "Of course, you moron!" replied the sniper acidly. "I'm under fire! Hang on!" Hearing the pointed and menacing sound of projectiles arching her way, Diana squatted down and made her way further along the metal maze. She tried to aim her trusty Vdova at the figures below who were engaged in heavy combat, but she knew if she shot down one of her own, it would be entirely counterproductive. The shots had made her turn in the opposite direction from the room with the gas vents, though, and when she realized it, it was almost too late. "Crap!", she hissed under her breath. This was not going well at all. Should she turn around and try to reach the gas consoles again? No. There was another top-secret room at the end of these catwalks, a sort of "failsafe" release chamber. Many experiments were being conducted at this facility, and some of them were lethal. In case any "specimens" or "subjects" got out accidentally, if one could make it to the catwalk and then that room, all would be well. A proton-emission cloud would kill all living creatures inside, contaminants or not. A desperate measure, but she was desperate now... "I'm going to activate the failsafe." "Are you insane?!" "Shhh! Keep your voice down! It has a 120-second countdown. I'll make sure that both you and I have time to escape. The others are expendable, I hope." "Surely you're joking..." Diana shut off her communications device and made her way toward the failsafe chamber. There was too much chaos, pounding in her head and the research facility itself, for her to pull off any clear shots with Vdova.

I am a Janey-come-lately to CRPG's, having only now downloaded BG1. I've never played it. Heck, I even played KOTOR 2 before KOTOR 1, and never finished DA:O because I kept screwing up and dying in this one part. By then it was too late to respec my char. I think I'll like BG nonetheless.

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"If I was a user, and I bought a roleplaying game but got an action game, I'd go on a rampage". Um...that's when I did when I bought Dragon Age 2, I think. Anyone agree? EDIT: I want to see what GameSpot says about this one before I ask for it for my birthday.

"Right." Andorra saluted Lenatha crisply and went to find the gauze. When she did, she returned to the Twi'lek, wincing slightly at the sight of Tavaryn's bloody wound. She stood poised to offer more assistance if needed, trying to reassure him with her eyes.

RESEARCH FACILITY INTERIOR--CATWALK "Engaging stealth cloak." Diana pressed a small button on her discreet metal wrist console, rendering her invisible to the naked eye. It was top-secret Cerberus research, and only the best and most loyal of employees were allowed to use it. "Following." She continued on down the catwalk silently. "Velian?" A crackling pause. "Listen to me. In the room up ahead, where everyone seems to be moving toward, there are several waste ventilation ducts. That room is for dangerous surgeries and experiments, especially on test subjects. Once they're all inside, I want you to flip a switch on the catwalk console to reverse the anesthesia fume hoods." She was confused. "Huh? Won't that just put them to sleep?" "And make them easier to pick off from above, one by one." "Got it. Approaching anesthesia console controls now." She turned off the comlink. Once she had reached her target, she waited. Get inside...

Andorra, shaking free again, walked over to her new bride. "Is everything all right?" she asked. "More importantly, is there anything I can do to help?" Her pulse then quickened.

"You're tracking them well," came the voice via Diana's intercom. "Good. Keep on them. Hawking's a...person of interest, although not yet a liability. Still don't know which side he's on. Can be bribed, if he survives." A brief yet sinister pause. Diana's heart skipped. "Remember the rhyme." She shivered. "The data gets wiped, and the sniper gets sniped..." ..."thus, if all goes wrong, walls with blood will be striped. Keep that in mind." Shaking her head, Diana crept forward along the catwalk. All of a sudden, she saw what looked like the body of an asari in one of the targets' arms. A very familiar asari. Quirinius V'tala? The assassin took a deep breath. You've got to be kidding me! The last time I saw her was years ago, and now she's...dead? How did she even get over here and into this highly-classified facility? I mean--it's just impossible. It cannot be! Yet, there it is, and I have to make my next move. If this really is my former lover, I want the body. It'll be useful for research purposes, especially since her eezo nodules may still be intact. After that, I'll bury her. I'm not completely without a heart, you know. "Velian?" The voice-com crackled. "Velian? Do you copy?" "I copy." Her body tensed up. "Where are they headed?" "I don't know. Hot labs, maybe. I'll keep an eye out, sir." "You'd better, or you're dead meat." As if I didn't already know...

RESEARCH FACILITY INTERIOR--CATWALK When chaos reigned, one staff member at the facility always held fast. When all hell was breaking loose, one staff member controlled the inferno. When shots were being fired point-blank, one staff member always sniped... It was this one's specifically-appointed task--not only that, but her destiny when apocalyptic screw-ups came down the pipe. Thus, she crouched on the catwalk, waiting for orders. She looked just like any ordinary member of the research staff, except for one thing: the Vdova, her pride and joy. "Velian?" Her comm signal came to life. "Why aren't you firing?" Idiot, thought Diana Cassindra of the research facility. "No worthwile targets," she whispered as softly as she dared. "Direct me. Who to shoot?" "'Whom', dear. You're getting sloppy, Velian, at least when it comes to proper grammar! See all those people down there? Take your pick!" "I can't just 'take my pick', especially without arousing too much suspicion." "Are you kidding me? You really are losing your edge! Take out the turian!" Indeed: he looked "worthwhile", but what was he doing here anyway? Diana was much more interested in what a certain group was discussing down below. Apparently, the research facility's bioenergy wall--which Diana herself had helped to engineer--had been blown to smithereens. Some moron had apparently tried to replace its current power source with a more powerful one, and had destroyed her precious creation when the power source had blown every other damn power source in the entire facility! He'd pay... Watching the scene from one of the research facility's many catwalks, Diana suddenly saw a man in laboratory gear rushing around and swearing loudly. Keith. Her eyes narrowed. I never did trust you. Good night... She aimed Vdova right for his head and fired a silencing shot. Success! The comm signal: "What the hell? Who did you just assassinate, Velian?" "Whom, dear. His name is Keith, and he destroyed my bioenergy wall." "Our bioenergy wall! Don't get distracted! Follow Hawking and the rest from your vantage point on the catwalk. There's some nasty, nasty s*** going down here, and I don't want our 'visitors' getting out alive. Got me?" A pause. "If they do, this facility is going to lose a perfectly good sniper." "Got it." Diana started moving farther along down the catwalk, watching...

RESEARCH FACILITY--BIOENERGY WALL CONTROL ROOM ((SNIP! I got a little carried away here. Make that a LOT carried away! See below...))

PITCH-DARK RESEARCH FACILITY--INTERIOR ((Yeah, that was what I meant. Sorry if I sounded presumptuous there.)) The salarian swallowed hard. "Subject Ten," he said. "Experimental specimen. Bioenergy wall overload--far too much output. Asari--asari dead. Cerebral cortex hemorrhage." He shook his head. "She came to find me. Rescue me. Perhaps bioenergy wall was causing her intense intercranial agony. Not sure." He gazed into Captain Tuhrop's eyes. "Bioenergy wall means sentient beings are turned into living batteries. I was the last, before the asari. Wanted to release me, but proved impossible. I regret that she is gone. Was my hero." All of a sudden, with an ominous whirrrrr, the power came back on... ...and twenty to thirty astonished personnel gaped at Subject Ten. He almost wet his pants. "RRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!" he screamed before fleeing. Drawing their own weapons, the research staff opened fire.

PITCH-DARK RESEARCH FACILITY--INTERIOR Subject Ten was an excellent sprinter. He could run like the wind despite his twenty years--middle age for one of his species. In his childhood and youth, he'd often played a game with his friends called "Run, Salarian, Run." It was a scenario of revenge. His compatriots had all gleefully pretended to be krogan--the "hitters", who were trying to assassinate the one salarian primarily responsible for the genophage--the "runner". Subject Ten had always volunteered to be the runner, but he was refused more often than not. That was because, when he was the runner, his "hitter" friends lost every time. None of them could even hope to catch him because of all the diving and zigzagging that he did through their enemy lines. Subject Ten loved it! He didn't like this at all. There was far too much danger afoot, and besides, in the darkness he couldn't even see the exits because there were no signs illuminating them! Nevertheless, he continued on through the black corridors of the facility, filled with panicking people and hidden machinery. Amidst all the swearing and bickering going on, he discerned this outburst: "What the hell happened? Answer me! Don't just clam up like an idiot!" A timid voice responded, "I--I think it was Keith's fault. You know, the BWO?" "Bioenergy Wall Orderly?" Surprise, and then dismay. "That dumb@$$. I should have known he'd screw things up sooner or later, with the probability leaning more toward 'sooner'! What'd he do, push all the buttons on the remote?" A heavy sigh. "No. Not even Keith is stupid enough to do that." "Right." A pause. "I know the boss told him to terminate Subject Ten, because let's face it--he's all used up. His brain's so fried he can't even remember his own name." In the darkness, Subject Ten smiled briefly. "If I know Keith, he did as instructed and then found a Subject Eleven too fast." "What? Where?!" The other person was furious. "That can't be right!" "That's the only thing that could have possibly caused this to happen. The power didn't just 'go out', as it would during one of the ubiquitous storms on this island. Every single light fixture, data console, heavy machine, heater--everything that depends on a source of bioenergy, which is the only source of power in here besides the backup generators--EXPLODED. That doesn't happen unless someone with WAY too much bioenergy got put into the wall at the last minute." Another heavy sigh. "Keith would do something like that." "!@$*." The other person punched the timid bearer of bad tidings, who gave a grunt of pain. "As soon as the power comes back on, we're going to check that wall. Together. If there's ANYONE in there besides Subject Ten, then you're the one who's going to get it. Not me. I'm going to tell the boss you told Keith--if he's still here, the worthless moron--to find a Subject Eleven." "No! You can't do this to me! We're best friends, not only co-workers, Juxon!" "If it's your @$$ or mine that gets shot, I'd rather it be yours. No offense." Somewhere nearby in the darkness, did a certain turian's mandibles twitch? Subject Ten couldn't tell. All he could sense was a tall and crested shadow...

XANDER'S VESSEL Quaver was bored. He was also worried. For one thing, he couldn't believe that Tino and Saluna automatically trusted Xander so quickly. Then again, they hadn't been at the mental health facility where he himself had been imprisoned. Still, he moved a bit closer to his closest friend and whispered: "This is so wrong. We have to do something to blow that guy's cover, or Tino and Saluna are toast! What do you think would get their attention the best?"