SomethingAwful Guide to making an FPS game..

[Bridger]

The following are taken from the SomethingAwful.com Guide to making an FPS game. They seem to me to relate to JKII

 

Enjoy

 

2. All computer monitors and screens should flash gibberish that has absolutely no relevance to the game. Optional: monitors can flash bizarre, alien-like looking symbols, despite the fact that the enemies speak fluent English.

 

3. When placing "bonus" ammunition or items, make sure to put them on top of extremely high ledges and platforms that are virtually impossible to get to. This stresses realism, because if you had a box of high explosive rockets in your home, would you place them on the floor where babies and dogs and the neighbors could get into them? No, you'd put them up in the rafters above your living room! It's only common sense.

 

5. Somewhere in some level, you MUST include a bridge that has either been destroyed or is not functioning correctly, forcing the player to seek an alternate route. Bridges seldomly function as they are supposed to, and FPS games should reflect this.

 

9. Arms manufacturers only make large amounts of ammunition for weak weapons. As a result, you should place incredible amounts of ammo for the default pistol around every corner, hallway, and room. If there is an "ultimate weapon" in your game, make sure to never give out any ammo for it, because who the hell would use a gun that kills everything at once?

 

12. "Realism" in video game terms means "if somebody is shot in the head, they instantly die." No other terms or conditions must be met to be considered "realistic."

 

13. Enemy aliens often want to destroy the Earth because they've been driven insane from the flashing green and red colored lighting aboard their spacecrafts. All alien rooms and structures should have at least five light sources, each pulsating with a different bright color. This creates "atmosphere".

 

14. If there is an impassible object in a small hallway, there MUST be a ventilation duct for the player to crawl through and bypass it. There's ALWAYS a ventilation duct, and it's ALWAYS big enough for a grown man with 300 pounds of weapons to crawl through.

 

16. Bad guys can either fight or flee, but NEVER both. Once moderately wounded, an enemy will run in the opposite direction of their aggressor, regardless of the area they're running into. If they come to an impassible object, they'll run in place. If they're confined to such a small area that they are unable to run in place, they will try to clip through nearby walls and brushes.

 

17. Standard grenades should never be able to kill anything, unless the player is somehow able to throw it directly underneath the enemy, and the target is already critically injured.

 

19. It is not unreasonable to think that one man could kill 80 people in under an hour.

 

22. Bad guys should be incredibly brave. Upon the first moment they spot the main character, they should immediately head towards where the person is located, disregarding all possible forms of protection and cover. "Not wanting to be shot at" is for sissies and landlubbers.

 

25. There is only one functional button for every gigantic computer console. Shooting the computer terminal will not result in any noticeable difference, except perhaps the console looking "dirty". These computers are merely for show and have no actual function.

 

30. If an item is pushable (yet cannot be destroyed), you will more than likely have to use it to stack on another item and climb up onto something.

 

31. Enemies will have (at most) one evasive attack, which they will never use at the appropriate times, often shrewdly electing to roll into walls or take cover behind a small stone.

 

32. Unlike you, bad guys only carry a single weapon. You're the only person in the entire universe that can carry more than one gun. Bad guys, on the other hand, have an infinite supply of ammunition and the aim of a blind child with Down's syndrome.

 

33. Every object, item, and entity only has two states of existence: "destroyed" or "not destroyed". There are no intermediate states.

 

35. When jumping, the player's character should make a sound like he's critically constipated. This is used to alert the player to the fact that he hit the "jump" key and isn't simply defying gravity and floating into the air for no readily apparent reason.

 

37. If the main character has an NPC partner, the partner should be ineffective and constantly offer essentially useless information. Example: player is standing in front of a destroyed bridge. NPC partner should radio in, saying "Oh, the bridge has been destroyed! Looks like you'll have to find another way in!" He will offer no additional hints or suggestions. Bonus points will be awarded if the sidekick radios in after the main character dies, commenting, "Looks like you've been killed!"

 

39. Fires are localized to the immediate area. If there is a fire, it will either stay in place or shortly extinguish itself.

 

40. Destructible walls are the ones that have cracks in them. Even if you're facing a wooden door, and shoot it with a rocket launcher, it shouldn't blow up unless it has a crack in it.

 

41. Money is essentially worthless. Everything of value should be found laying on the floor or behind secret walls (except for items in really high rafters and platforms).

 

43. Halogen and fluorescent lights are indestructible. This is because the electric company wants to protect their investments, and bad guys' bases generate a few billion dollars per month in electricity bills

 

45. "Complex puzzles" means "stacking boxes in order to get to a higher elevation for some reason." As a general rule, the better items and shortcuts are higher up.

 

53. Evil bad guys like to place doors ten feet above the floor of a room and then litter crates around the area to slow oncoming attackers. (Submitted by Greenmarine)

 

54. Evil bases and city areas often have walls that look like doors but don't open. (Submitted by Greenmarine)

 

61. Most evil bases / prisons use a single mainframe computer to control one door; find this computer and you've got it made! (Submitted by DCurrie)

 

67. In the event that the player is not wearing a distinct uniform, the bad guys will automatically know he is the enemy because he isn't standing around doing absolutely nothing like they are. (Submitted by Nexus Scorpion)

 

68. Under no circumstances can the player turn his head independent of his body. (Submitted by Xidus)

 

70. All enemies of the hero must have the same 3 voices and 7 things to shout, barring the high-ranking villains. Aliens and the undead may utter random muffled grunts or piercing screeches. (Submitted by Dan Dargon)

 

73. If you run out of level design ideas, just make some stupid platforms that move around in midair. This way the player actually wastes a lot of time getting over these platforms, giving him the impression that the map was big. (Submitted by [sAK]LEED)

 

74. Characters that fall off into space must scream loudly as they fall, just in case the game scientists figure out how to make sound travel through a vacuum. (Submitted by Eric Lee)

 

81. It is perfectly acceptable, when designing a base, to put the button to open the door to the main control room 3 stories down, behind armed guards, in a sewer filled with deadly tentacles. The door will only, of course, stay open for 60 seconds. The journey from the button to the door should take no more than 45 seconds. (Submitted by Adam Sawkins)

 

84. The lack of visible guards in the same room as an important object is directly proportional to the number of hidden or enclosed guards nearby. Example: if there are two Gigantium Ripper Sentinels stationed in front of the yellow keycard, the keycard can be retrieved safely. If Ed from accounting is stationed in front of the yellow keycard, you will be crushed like an anemic mosquito the instant you step into the room. (Submitted by Crisis)

 

85. Obsidian is not the strongest material known to man - brushes are. (Submitted by Crisis)

 

97. Laser pistols are weak and slow. A laser beam looks like a small meteor, but travels at a very slow speed so the aliens can dodge it and appear to be smart. "Advanced" weapons that use alien technology shoot projectiles that travel at much faster speeds, because they're not dumb enough to use lasers. (Submitted by Hansmuff)

 

99. If the player spends five minutes underwater and his oxygen supply is almost empty, spending approximately one nanosecond above water should allow him to fully recatch his breath and spend another few hours underwater. (Submitted by Jordan)

[GRIMLOCK]

i read the head one and skipped the rest.

theres a simple explanation for it

if your shot in the head your either dead or incapacitated

there is no chance of you to be still standing on your feet unless it grazed you.

so that is realistic to a point, since games don't exactly have hospitals where the NPC's can go, live in koma for 3 years then getup to shoot you agian.

[Zagadka]

14. If there is an impassible object in a small hallway, there MUST be a ventilation duct for the player to crawl through and bypass it. There's ALWAYS a ventilation duct, and it's ALWAYS big enough for a grown man with 300 pounds of weapons to crawl through.

 

I can't count howm any ventilation shafts and pipes I crawled through... almost as many as that "amazing" game Half-Life.

[Coran]

#35 relates to JK2 very much. Critically constipated. hehe

[MechDeus]

Has anyone here ever the net video "A Real Life Guide to Quake"? Pretty friggin' hysterical, especially the parts concerning "What if Real Life had Lag?"

[TheAlbaniac]

Man.. I read that list before, but it's amazing how many of those points are so true for Jedi Knight II!!

Not that it really matters though. most of the points mentioned are that way because of gameplay purpose or because that's the way people expect an FPS to work..

Anyways..It's funny to see so many points are true for JKII...

[Valdarious]

OMG MechDeus I was just thinking that, lol. I love it when they say Of course everyone just Strafe walks everywhere.

[MechDeus]

"Yes, and going up stairs..." *leap* Grunt *leap* Grunt *leap* Grunt...

 

The circle-strafe axe fight was pretty good.

[Fruitloop]

97. Laser pistols are weak and slow. A laser beam looks like a small meteor, but travels at a very slow speed so the aliens can dodge it and appear to be smart. "Advanced" weapons that use alien technology shoot projectiles that travel at much faster speeds, because they're not dumb enough to use lasers. (Submitted by Hansmuff)

 

Bu....but....those stormtroopers really were smart! They managed to sidestep my 13mph blaster bolt! According to my drivers guide, that's FAST!

[dalavita]

Where can i find the real life guide to quake?