Wear Jedi Robes...

[FatboyTim]

Wear Jedi Robes

 

(To the tune of Baz Luhrmann's Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen))

 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jedi class of '99... Wear Jedi Robes.

 

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Jedi robes would be it. The long term benefits of wearing Jedi robes have been proved by the Jedi Council, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

 

Enjoy the power and beauty of the Force; oh, never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of the force until you have gone to Dagobah. But trust me, in twenty years you'll look back at pictures of yourself trying to get your X-wing out of the swamp and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as Jabba the Hutt.

 

Don't worry about the future, adventure or excitement; a Jedi craves not these things. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 pm while you are cleaning up two droids that your uncle just purchased.

 

Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them.

 

Asteroids!

 

Don't be reckless with other people's speeder bikes; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

 

Floss.

 

Don't waste your time on jealousy, anger, or hate; the dark side of the force are they. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end you can always take the shortcut through Beggars Canyon.

 

Remember the compliments you receive, but don't get cocky; there's still two more TIE fighters out there.

 

Keep your old lightsabers, throw away your old blasters. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life...the most interesting Jedis I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 900-year-olds I know still don't.

 

Double check the Hyperdrive system.

 

Be kind to your hands, you'll miss them when they're gone.

 

Maybe you'll destroy the Death Star, maybe you won't, maybe you'll get stepped on by an Imperial Walker, maybe you won't, maybe the Emperor will destroy you with Force lightning, or maybe you'll dance the funky Ewok on Endor when the Emperor is dead... What ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either -- the target area WAS only two meters wide.

 

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument besides your lightsaber that you'll ever own.

 

Practice with your lightsaber. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in the cargo hold of the Millennium Falcon.

 

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. You never know when you'll get cut off and it's your only escape route out of the cell bay.

 

Do NOT close the blast doors, they will only cut you off from the rebels.

 

Get to know your aunt and uncle, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your daughter; she is your only link to finding the secret Rebel base.

 

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were a young farmboy.

 

Live on Coruscant once, but leave before it makes you hard; live on Alderaan once, but leave before it gets destroyed by the Death Star.

 

Travel.

 

Accept certain inalienable truths, the Jedi are all but extinct, the force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded, you too will get too old for this sort of thing, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young, Jedi were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic, you used to bullseye womprats in your T-16 back home, and Jedi students respected their Jedi Masters.

 

Respect your Jedi Master.

 

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a friend from Tatooine flying on your wing, maybe you know a smuggler from Corellia; but you never know when either one might get destroyed by an Imperial TIE fighter.

 

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time it's 40 it will look 900.

 

Be careful of which smuggler you hire, but be patient with those who drop their shipment of spice at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser. Advice is like nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, putting its head on backwards and strapping it to the back of a Wookiee. Just like C3PO.

 

But trust me on the Jedi robes.