Lord of the Illegal Wine

[Dagobahn Eagle]

It all began when Sauron, a low-class alcoholic, wanted to make some extra money on selling homemade wine.

 

Three orders were haded to the Right-Wing party; although poor politicians, they were good builders who had in their time helped craft the Parliament building.

 

Nine were sold to the mortal soldiers doomed to die in the war on Terror.

 

And five, five bottles were sold to the Russ (Norwegian uniformed high school graduates), who above all else desire alcohol.

 

But they were all of them deceived. For the alcohol they bought was far from the strongest: Another bottle had been filled.

 

Deep in his basement, Sauron made another beverage, the Master Wine, to rule all others. One by one, the people of Fana felt the power of the wine. But there were some who resisted.

 

After a tip-off, two policemen, one of them the Icelandic Isildur, conducted a search of Sauron's home and the bottle was confiscated after a small fight. Victory was near.. but Isildur kept the wine.

 

It then betrayed him to his death: The next day the drunkness from it had caused him to drive his police car off of a wharft and into the fjord. And there it lay in the wreck on the bottom of the fjord, undetected, for ten years, until Gollum, a local member of the Kayaking Club, found it during practice and hid it in his kayak, for then to smuggle it home.

 

The bottle made him an alcoholic, and was eventually stolen by Bilbo Baggins during a party at Gollum's house.

 

Our story begins at New Year's eve, 1999...

 

Bilbo, who is going to move to the city of Trondheim the next day, is hosting a good-bye party on the field outside of his house. He climbs onto a table to make a speech, but is so drunk that he falls off of it, trough some bushes, and is left lying near his back yard. He decides that just disappearing now would be a good exit, and runs to his house.

 

Some hours after that, Gandalf, who smokes so much that people call him "the Grey" due to his by now yellow-grey skin, is tasked with taking the Master Wine from Bilbo and give it to Frodo. Their meeting goes unhindered, except from when Gandalf hears someone outside the window while Bilbo is out in the kitchen getting him something to drink. Thinking it's the apple-stealing cat next door, Gandalf grasps a rifle from the wall and fires three quick bolts out of the open window. "Uncle" Sam, American immigrant, has barely time to get away before the gravel explodes around him.

 

Bilbo now says the bottle is in the fridge, but then realises it's in his backpack. Gandalf asks him to turn it over, but Bilbo says he's changed his mind and would rather keep it. Seconds later Gandalf runs out the door of Bilbo's house, sobbing because Bilbo, his life-long friend, has hurt his feeling by calling him a thief.

 

Gandalf runs to his grandfather, Sauruman, seeking comfort, but Saruman just tells him to go to his room until he learns to be a bit less of a whimpering baby. Forgetting Saruman is an old kung-fu master, Gandalf refuses. A fight ensues, in which Gandalf gets his butt kicked and goes defeated to his room.....

 

To be continued. This story is basically intended to be a short-film script, so it's only got parts of the scenes from LOTR in it.

 

Appendix:

Russ: 18-year old Norse high school graduate. Wear red/black/blue uniforms and hats depending on city districts and drive painted vans with sponsoring stickers on them. Counterpart of the Nazgul wraiths in LOTR.

[Breton]

That's great!

 

And five, five bottles were sold to the Russ

 

[Crazy_dog no.3]

LOL

[Dagobahn Eagle]

There's bound to be some internal humour in it, so I'm surprised even two people answered at all at an international site

 

To Americanize: Five, five bottles were sold to a group of people who had just graduated from High School.... *hopes no one will point out that there are no russi during winter, only summer between graduation and college *

[Breton]

Originally posted by Dagobahn Eagle

There's bound to be some internal humour in it, so I'm surprised even two people answered at all at an international site

 

Well, I guess mine doesn't really count since both of my brothers has already been Russ...yes, I am *drumroll* Norwegian. From Bergen, actually.