idle Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 I have no idea whether you support things such as this or indeed where I should put it if you do. Feel free to move it or ignore it, whatever. I've basically just started writing my own stories and I am a beginner but I would like any hints or advice from anyone with experience. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. (Corrections like "there are no blasters made of steel!", etc will be welcome too) I would love to be able to write a few of these and make them entertaining and enjoyable for other people. This story is about a young Twi'Lek boy who finds himself witnessing a horrific scene involving his mother and sisters with a Hutt named Ricksen. His head is obviously messed up and he's not all what he seems at first. I have a whole background story set up for this character but it will all depend on if this first installment is well received. Thanks for reading to anyone who does! - - - The Requiem - - - Through the cracks in the walls he watched. He watched as his mother and sisters danced to haunting music which would often play in his dreams after this night. When the singers voice would hit those same notes over and over again the notes somehow trapped him. It trapped him in a place where he had no feeling or emotion. It trapped him in the dark. It was not the first time he had seen them dance, sometimes when he was small his mother would sit him down on the floor and sing for him whilst his older sisters danced to her endearing, beautiful voice. He closes his eyes and smiles. It was his hunger that drove his remaining family to do this. Before this the horrible truth of the Twi-Lek history and culture was hidden from him, or perhaps it was there in full view all along and it was the blessed (dreadful) innocence which blanketed all this from his eyes. Female slavery was an enormous problem in the Republic governed world of Ryloth, especially when a Hutt had a lot of power. Robbu never could imagine how lucky his family was to escape it for so long, but now. Now it sat. Ricksen the Hutt. Apparently an ambassador for some big corporation but all Idel could see was a greedy slob who insulted and abused the female Twi’Lek, especially his family. For some reason the Hutt had taken a special liking to his mother which stirred up feelings that he had never felt before. The music stopped and now she knelt there by his side. She was being chained. Like a mindless animal! His own mother was pressed against this most disgusting monster who dared to touch her. Then the numbness set in on his legs and he uncrossed them and went on his knees. That’s when he remembered the cold steel in his hands. Ricksen started that roaring laugh. The distinctive Hutt sound. His whole body shaking and swaying in enormous ripples. Robbu’s grip grew tighter on the blaster. The Hutts black soul-less eyes rolled around in his fat head until suddenly, finally, they fixed on the child Twi’Lek. Robbu had came out of his hiding spot and was now holding the blaster towards Ricksen. In all the laughter he had been able to get within 5ft of the Hutt and his mother. Staring him down Robbu took an even firmer grip of his blaster and then something happened. Laughter. Laughter from…mother? “You stupid little child.” “You were not invited to this celebration child, you are not welcome. Go away.” His mother said, shaking Robbu to his very core and making him freeze to the spot, he almost turned around and ran out of the den but his feet were frozen there and there was no way he would be able to move them. “But, I came to free us. To take us back to our old home so we can be a family again.” said Robbu softly, hopefully. “There is no family, child and if you plan to shoot down my husband then you will have to shoot me first.”, “Husband?? Where are my sisters?” cried the boy. “Lost in your dreams again child? They are gone, remember? Not runaways though. Leave now and live like an animal or stay and suffer the consequences.” Robbu turned around. Indeed, those 3 female Twi’Lek dancers were not his sisters but strangers. He faces mother again. “But?” “Now!” The music starts. Louder than ever. So loud it felt like his head was going to explode. After a few seconds of agony he realises this will be the song he hears at his death (now). No. This is the song of his hate and his revenge. This noise which is nothing but deafening static in his ears will be the soundtrack to his retribution for his family. Even if it means it will be the song of his own mothers death. … … He pulls the trigger. Mother falls to the floor, supposedly screaming but he cannot hear. Again. She lifts her head up and her face is one of agony as he sees the second shot shoot through her enlarged belly and out through her back. Again. His mother is lying face down on the floor as the third shot tears through her head, splattering blood and taking off one of lekku. Then the music stops. Ricksen makes a gurgling noise as two laser shots go through his neck and after the rest of the guests are dead he has stopped breathing all together. Guests? This is a wedding. (No. This is a massacre.) There was no weapons (there were gifts). The confetti on the floor has now been soaked into the blood. So many must have been here. Soon there will be more to take him. To lock him away for honouring his families memory. It’s happened before? Somehow, memories come flooding back. He remembers his sisters and how they were smothered. It was true, they were all dead. Why did he not remember? He will in time but now he must escape… TBC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.piercy Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Revan Solo- Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Very good for a "beginner"! I also began to write my own stories. It makes fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doomie Posted December 18, 2004 Share Posted December 18, 2004 Nice. Not very 'star warsy', but it's a nice story. Oh, and just for future reference... Here 's a fanfiction forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idle Posted December 18, 2004 Author Share Posted December 18, 2004 Originally posted by Doomie Nice. Not very 'star warsy', but it's a nice story. Oh, and just for future reference... Here 's a fanfiction forum. Ahh, I didn't see that forum. No chance this could be moved there? This was just some background to the character, I plan on making it very 'Star Warsy' in my next installment if the reception keeps going this way. Thanks a lot for commenting guys! Appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Not bad, not bad at all! Now we just need some mod to look here move it all way to the JK forums... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Dark Jedi Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Nice man! Nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrotoy7 Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 cool stuff idel now, how bout this : There once was a Hutt they called Jabba Whose fat a$$ was all made of blubber He laughed and he jiggled The Twilek girl wiggled and Padme was skywalker's mother um, yeah, the last bit was a bit hard mtfbwya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JinniX Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Very good in my opinion, I am a writer, so if I say its good, its good. But it does need a little work. Like make it more bareable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idle Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Jinni Tsurugi Very good in my opinion, I am a writer, so if I say its good, its good. But it does need a little work. Like make it more bareable. Thanks! Maybe with my next installment my story will be easier to judge because I have a certain way of writing that isn't normal I guess. I think I was going with the idea that this was the chapter that sends the reader off-balance and now the goal is to write a stable, astute -knock-out blow with the second. But I probably will go back and work on some things. The interest has been more than enough for me to continue the story, thanks a lot for supporting me and the words of encouragement guys. Look out for my next installment soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JinniX Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Sure, just make it quick, I'm icthing for something good to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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