zelda 41 Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Heres my new fanfic. Enjoy. Note: Look for more of the story later on this month.This is a (very) short chapter book. Chapter 1:Enter Razputin Darkness surrounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, startled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around acking as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water.The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned... "Razputin!" The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed, "THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!" "Razputin! Please calm down,son." Raz's father stood there,along with his mother and sister, staring at him. "OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--" "Care to repeat that, young man?" Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed. "Heck?"Raz said scared even more. Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out,like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying. "SHUT UP, CLARA!!, Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Just get dressed.The show starts in a hour." The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed.He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show. End of chapter 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smon Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 It's very... short... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zelda 41 Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 Oh... crap... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 It's not that good. The plot is rushed and I feel disorineted as I read it. The action is not at all set up and the scene is just jumped into. Also, never put how a character is feeling in () as they serve another purpose. Raz, while I can't say he's OOC seems very one-dimensional as do the other characters. This is a great idea, however the execution needs work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaecla Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Definitely has some grammatical errors. Remember that when a new person talks, a new paragraph is started. I just ran it through word and bolded all of the mistakes. Darkness surounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, starteled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around acking as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water.The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned... "Razputin!"The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed,"THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!""Razputin! Please calm down,son." Raz's father stood ther,along with his mother and sister, staring at him."OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--""Care to repeat that, young man?"Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed."Heck?"Raz said scared even more. Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out,like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying."SHUT UP, CLARA!!", Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes."Never mind. Just get dressed.The show starts in a hour."The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed.He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show. Here's the edited version. Darkness surrounded the area. The smell of fungi filled the air along with the odd smell of rotten meat. The young boy, startled, looked around, choking on air. He looked around **acking** as if he would die. Then, out of nowhere, he gave out a yelp. The boy was standing in water. The water rose quickly, and soon, he drowned... "Razputin!" The boy woke up and (still in the state of shock) screamed, "THE HAND IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!" "Razputin! Please calm down, son." Raz's father stood there, along with his mother and sister, staring at him. "OH MY GOD!!! AM I IN HE--" "Care to repeat that, young man?" Raz's mother stood there looking at him really P.O.ed. "Heck?"Raz said scared even more. Clara snickered. Clara was Raz's little, annoying, and fat sister. Her dark pink hair made her stand out, like her mother, but she was still ugly and annoying. "SHUT UP, CLARA!!", Raz yelled at her. She rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Just get dressed. The show starts in a hour." The family left, leaving Raz to get dressed. He got dressed, brushed his hair and teeth, and hurried down to the circus tent to start the show. **don’t know what acking means… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zelda 41 Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 Okay.Man I Suck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zelda 41 Posted February 19, 2006 Author Share Posted February 19, 2006 I fixed it!! YAY!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klia Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Zelda41, I'm not trying to make you feel bad and you certainly don't suck..,..no one sucks. However even with the fix the story still is not that great. Please read my post over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingCheez Posted February 19, 2006 Share Posted February 19, 2006 Take a writing class in summercamps for the gifted like I did, or just normal public summerschools. They won't actually make you better, but you'll be inspired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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