Rain128 Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Ok, here goes.... i have had this idea kickin around in my head for a few days now, and i thought id give it a go. (please be nice, i havent writen anything like this since High School) >_< P.s. im gonna say im sorry here, i am going to dbl post so this crap dosnt interfer with the story, if it a problem let me know and ill fix it. And if anyone has a better name then Exiled please let me know heh, it was the only thing i could think of... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rain128 Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 It was a hard driving rain as one might expect on duxun the giant foliage of the trees hardly blocking the down pour. Other then the sound of the rain pounding on the hood of her Jedi robes it was quiet, she could feel her troops behind her waiting, all tense, there fear was radiating out from them, but she had to concentrate Ahead of her up a narrow slope was a mandalorain outpost, the slippery slope was covered with trip mines. Her comlink buzzed, “General, you have your orders.” “But sir…” “General…. We need that outpost taken, you have your orders, follow them or you will be replaced.” “Yes, sir” She turned and looked at her troops, sighing inwardly, ok men you know what to do……. The world began to fade as they yelled charging up the hill, setting mines off as they went…….. It was cold, a rag tag fleet of republic ships were on the view screen around her, and in front she could see the mandalorain fleet dropping out of hyperspace. This was a feint, a suicide mission and she knew it, as did the rest of her crew, there eyes were cold and sad, knowing that they will never see anything more then the dead world of Malachor. “The Mass Shadow Generator is ready and waiting for your command General…” Her eyes fluttered open, Cold steel plaiting stared back at her. “Where am I?” her eyes roamed, It was the med bay, but of a republic ship… Not the Harbringer, she was gone and her crew slain…. “Your on the Sojurn, you have been unconscious for about three days now.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JAvatar80 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 This is starting to be a very interesting story, and I'm going to like it. However, I have caught quite a few grammer, and a couple minor spelling, errors. Other then the sound of the rain pounding on the hood of her Jedi robes it was quiet, she could feel her troops behind her waiting, all tense, there fear was radiating out from them, but she had to concentrate Ahead of her up a narrow slope was a mandalorain outpost, the slippery slope was covered with trip mines. Other than the sound of the rain pounding on the hood of her Jedi robes, it was quiet, and she could feel her troops behind her waiting, all tense, their fear was radiating out from them, but she had to concentrate. Ahead of her..... Like I said, the mistakes were small, and did not detract from the story itself, but I notice the small things. Keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 Welcome to the CEC, Rain128! Well, this seems to be a fairly interesting story. The few grammar mistakes were mention by JAvatar80. It was a bit short, so post more soon. I'm not sure where the story is going, and I haven't quit figured out what is about due to the lack of length. When I see more, I may give a few name suggestions. Overall, I liked it. Keep up the good work! -Fish- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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