HK-42 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 thanks pottsie darth shadow hummm its okay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Interesting. I wasn't expecting Connor to turn to the dark side. Good chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 thanks ninner, Darth Shadow and Darth Grivis is the best so far...any more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 after this trilogy im going to write a story about darth maul after ep 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 after this trilogy im going to write a story about darth maul after ep 1 I was thinking of doing a Fanfic like that once. Then I realised Maul went through Naboo's core and would have died anyway. Also, not trying to be rude or anything, but you must learn to improve your grammar and punctuation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Share Posted June 18, 2006 im working on chap 5 I've made Connor Darth Grivis btw any news on AOLS and ATR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Share Posted June 18, 2006 Chapter 5 The days of Grivis Darth Grivis was in a battle, fighting for the sith against the jedi and the republic. He flipped up removing a rebel’s head, then he charged at a jedi using the force to rip the jedi into. “Sir a sith wants to see you he is not in our army said an officer. He’s in the Command post”. Grivis opened the Command Post to find a Zabrack in front of him. Years earlier, Maul was falling strait through Naboo’s core. When he noticed a stump like the jedi had grabbed. He grabbed it, with one hand grabbing his legs with the other, he grabbed a cable gun from his utility belt and dropped the legs. He activated the gun shooting it but made himself go down to grab his legs. Then pulled up, when he reached the top of the cable he stopped and attached the gun to him and the legs, so they would not fall. He got his second cable gun and shot it up taking the first with him when he reached the top he shot the first. He continued till he was out. He used some crap in his robe to re-attach him to his legs. He flew to Korriban to find a sith medical droid. It attached his legs to him properly. He went to a freezing plant and programmed a droid to free him after the sith return… After hearing the story Grivis called his master. Nilin was astonished to hear the story and told Maul to help when the battle and he would join the sith in 3rd command. Grivis with Maul continued killing rebels, the jedi had left to help other soldiers retreat. Grivis jumped up using the force to open the ground making thousands of troops fall into hell. Maul was promoted to 3rd command of the war to fight for the Empire. Name: Darth Maul Age: Over 80 but still is young Weapon: Double red-saber Master: Darth Sidious Aligned: Sith Home world: What ever the Zabrack planet is Species: Zabrack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Share Posted June 18, 2006 Feedback please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 18, 2006 Share Posted June 18, 2006 Zabrack is spelt Zabrak, the homeworld is Iridonia and one question. How can Maul still be young as an eighty year old? He isn't like Yoda, he can't live for 900 years. Anyway, alright Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 18, 2006 Author Share Posted June 18, 2006 1 thanks for planet 2 He was frosen so he didn't age or grow Btw im posting chap 6 tomarrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 19, 2006 Author Share Posted June 19, 2006 Name: Darth Vox Age: 21 Weapon: Duel red sabers Master: Darth Kagrun Aligned: Sith Home world: Skylerc Species: Human Chapter 6 Return of Vader A sith student named Darth Shadow, had snuck into a tomb on Korriban…Shadow winced in pain a boulder had hit his arm cutting him, he moved through the hall looking for a tomb to open for fun. He saw one and opened it seeing nothing but a staff. He recognized it innately it was a scepter. The sith flew to Endor to look for the body of Vader. Seeing the grave he moved toward it. When his dead master appeared saying “go back to Korriban and destroy the tomb that you got the scepter from there is something else”. Taking the scepter from Shadow he reformed Vader…back on Korriban Shadow had destroyed the tomb and found a shinning tiny star. His master reappeared. “Touch it apprentice”. Shadow touched it and his hand disintegrated. “Ahaaaa” Shadow screamed in pain. “You have resurrected all the sith and jedi said his master. The jedi are being hunted down by the new sith. They all appeared on Dantooine. We appeared here…” he could say no more Shadow had died… Vader flew to Skylerc searching for this Darth Nilin. “Hello Vader” said a voice. “Hello, Nilin” Vader replied. Go to Korriban your army is waiting for you. Grivis ran trough the streets looking for Zan and Vox. Then he saw them “where have you guys been Grivis asked. Nilin is here, he wants to see us… Yes master Nilin…” Grivis started. “Vader is now first command of a new army of dead then alive sith. I want your squad to find out how they returned, leave immediately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Okay... Two things to say about this Chapter. First, thanks for using my Shadow name. Second, resurrecting Vader was a bad idea, because, he died good at the end of ROTJ, so he wouldn't be evil. It was an okay Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 He did not resurrec the good part of Vader only the bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 Good last two chapters. I'm not sure if I like resurrecting Vader because he did die good, but Vader was such a baddie in his time that it seems kind of cool. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 Well he would be resurrected anyway every sith and jedi where. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 Chapter 7 The Mystery Grivis moved trough the hall on Korriban. He had found a boulder with blood on it. He felt a disturbance, soothing he had felt on Skylerc. He ducked just as a saber went over his head. “Hello jedi, I’m going to kill you this time” said the sith. Grivis flipped up cutting the sith’s hand. “One thing, I’m not a jedi anymore I’m a sith” said Darth Grivis. He stabbed him. He continued down the hall till he reached a tomb. “Welcome Grivis” said a voice. “Stander” Grivis replied. Pushing him out a crack then sealed it. “What the hell” Grivis saw the scroll. Maul moved down the hall of the jedi temple on Dantooine. “SITH” yelled a voice. A jedi ran to Maul then stopped. “Maul” said Obi-wan said in surprise. Maul sung his saber at Kenobi. Missing barley. There sabers clashed so hard Obi-wan staggered. Maul pushed him and jumped through a hole that led to his ship. He looked back at Kenobi feeling revenge. He flew off to Skylerc. Nilin felt that Maul had failed but Grivis had seceded. Grivis yelled to Vox and Zan telling them that they must leave. “Why” Vox asked? “Because, Grivis replied Mission complete” he said reading the scroll: To all you wonder how we returned a sith named Darth Shadow had found a midichlorian star. When he touched it he was disengaged, but he rescued us. The rest was burned but it was enough thought Grivis. They flew off to Skylerc. (i was going to end the chap here but I wanted action.) They flew over Mygeeto when a ion cannon shot there wing forcing them to the ground. They jumped up and landed on the ground as the ship blew up. A jedi slashed at Grivis as he flipped up and stabbed the jedi. Vox removed one’s head and Zan cut one in half. Vox and Zan were pushed into a fly-pod (escape-pod but instead of going to planet it leaves a planet and goes to another.). It left set to Skylerc. A jedi pushed Grivis as he stabbed another jedi, the jedi put cuffs on Grivis and through him into a brig. Stay tuned for Chapter 8 The escape Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 20, 2006 Share Posted June 20, 2006 One thing I must say is, well done! You've improved in your grammar and punctuation (Though there is still some room for improvement). Keep it up! Also good Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Share Posted June 20, 2006 thanks pottsie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 next chap is going to have action Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 Chapter 8 The Escape When Grivis awoke the first thing he felt was the pain. He had been hit on the head by a stone from the roof. Then the roof collapsed, sending stones everywhere. Above the roof were a shield and an elevator. He started moving down. Through the shield door he noticed tons of jedi. Then the lift stopped at the very bottom. The door deactivated. He walked out noticing a dead jedi with keys. He used the force to pull the keys to him. “Hello Grivis said a jedi. As you think, we are not jedi some of us our ex-jedi and some ex-sith. We our known as the Cruins. I am the leader of the Cruins, Tyler Frye”. “Nice to meet you” replied Grivis as he finally unlocked the cuffs. He jumped up using the force to pull his saber from Tyler’s cloak. Tyler jumped back activating a saber Grivis had never seen. “You are trained in the ways of the x-saber as I am trained the ways of the Y-saber. (Like an x-saber but they hold it up like a normal saber and it only has 2 sabers on the top,>== held up.) Grivis shrugged, no mater I’ll kill him anyway he thought. He jumped up, flipping to Tyler. Tyler attacked from the side, but Grivis ducked. Grivis moved back, and then charged. He slashed, making a saber lock. Grivis grinned as he tripped Tyler with his foot. He flicked his saber then stabbed Tyler. Suddenly the blast doors opened and thousands of Cruins surrounded Grivis. He was pushed to the ground. Thinking hard Grivis made up a force move. He got up, using the force to open the ground so far it led to hell. Everyone fell except him. Then he sealed the ground back up. He went to hangar bay 526 to steal Tyler’s ship. Then he killed the passengers and flew to Skylerc. He pulled out Tyler’s Y-saber. “Lord Nilin, I have a gift for you as he made another one. He put a bomb in the new one. When it was activated it would blow up killing Nilin. Tyler groaned in pain, he had been stabbed. He changed his name to his old sith name, Darth Nordis. Found his spare ship and flew after Grivis. Name: Darth Nordis Age:43 Weopon: Y-saber Spices:Human Home world:Corasant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Good, however I still think the action is a bit fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 i know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 I just got caught up. It's good. Keep writing and you'll keep getting better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 okay guys need help, should Grivis aprintice be Darth Arca or Darth Forus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 okay guys need help, should Grivis aprintice be Darth Arca or Darth Forus. Up to you, but I'd say both. Both because Kreia did it with Sion and Nihilus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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