[Fic]Emma - By NateDogg

[NateDogg]

Emma

By: NateDogg

 

The Jedi lead us off the Sith ship. We had been there for three days, tortured, beaten, I even gave up vital information to protect Emma. My actions jeopardized the security of the republic. As we were led off to the awaiting Republic ship I found myself questioning my actions, I found myself doubting my ability to lead. I was in charge but, I had failed to live up to the expectations I had lied out for myself.

“Don’t worry Nate,” A soft voice said behind me, “You did what you had too. You did exactly what you needed to do.”

 

 

We were pulled into the Sith docking bay, trapped on their home court. Outnumbered and outgunned we knew we were screwed, but failure had never been an option as long as I was in charge. We were going to pull a last ditch banzai charge. We got off the ship the Sith had not yet arrived. I pulled my saber, the docking bay door opened and almost on cue, six Thermal’s where thrown in, I did a barrel roll to my left grabbing a young Jedi girl on the way shielding her as the grenades exploded. I stood up helping her as well, than turned and charged the door, almost simultaneously 2 Jedi and myself reached the door, we cut and slashed, forcing our way over the bodies and into the hall, the other two Jedi quickly turned and bolted left, so I naturally headed right. As five Sith rounded the corner I lept quickly into the air, as I soared over them I lowered my saber hitting one of them in the head, instantly killing him, I landed behind the Sith troopers, and without thinking I rolled left into a corridor, however, two more Sith soldiers where running down that corridor, I slashed, behind me hitting one, but I was outmatched, I felt a sudden burning sensation on the side, than two or three more bullet’s ripped into my stomach and back, I fell directly to the floor, out cold.

 

As I awoke, I felt the energy of a force cage around me. I looked around noticing that the girl I had saved during the battle was next to me, sobbing, muffled tears, into her Jedi robes. “Hey,” I said softly, “Remember me?” She looked up, into my eyes, and stopped crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked quietly.

“You battled so hard, so valiant to protect us. However, when the Sith enclosed on me I just gave up no fight. I failed you and the Jedi.” She cried

“Don’t worry you did all we could have asked for.” I replied softly, soothingly. Just than the door to the interrogation room opened.

“Here’s the deal,” the Sith guard in charge said “you lie we shock her.” He grinned evily and pointed at the girl. “You tell the truth, and we electrocute you.” He paused a moment than, the questioning began I told him everything from battle plans, to locations of vital secure locations to Jedi training grounds. “Pathetic,” he said as electricity pulsed throughout me, the last thing I saw before I blacked out was the girl, crying in the corner, terrified.

 

 

When I awoke the girl was not crying but she was kneeling in almost a fetal position, praying is what it looked like. “Hey,” I said, “What’s your name?”

“I’m Emma” she replied, and for the first time I saw her smile, the most gorgeous smile ever.

“Why are you so happy?” I questioned dying to know what happened.

“Listen,” she answered. “Here that, the Jedi are coming to save us.” She was right, as I listened I could here a battle raging outside, blaster rifle rounds pinging off the metal sides of the Sith ship. Lightsabers, swishing around, and people dropping, dead.

The door suddenly opened, and three Jedi walked in smiling faintly. The cages around us were quickly deactivated. The first thing I did was run over to Emma and give her a BIG hug. “I don’t know if you believe in love in first sight, but after I met you I believe.” I whispered “It may be against code, but I love you.” I smiled, and as the Jedi lead us off the Sith ship, I found myself worrying about the mistakes I had made giving vital information up to the Sith, however, a soft voice behind me quelled my fear with a simple “Don’t worry Nate, you did what you had to do. I love you too.”

[Jae Onasi]

Your battle scenes are improving a lot from when you first started. You're giving more details. Now I'd like you to take it up another notch and start working on what's happening to your main character in the middle of those battles. What's he seeing? Hearing? Feeling? Did that slash that he dodged almost hit him or was it pretty wide? Could he feel the heat of the lightsaber? Did it scare him? Was he forced to react some different way than he wanted?

 

I had a tough time imagining Emma as a Jedi--she was just too passive, even if she was scared. I might have gone for it more easily if she was an apprentice or simply a girl who needed to be rescued.

 

Punctuation/grammar--like anyone, there's always something to find that we can work on, including me. In your case (and this is a very common mistake), it's differentiating between plurals and possessives. I'm not complaining about you in particular, btw, it's just one of my personal pet peeves. I see incorrect usage of this a lot by professionals who should know better.

 

The only time the apostrophe is used is if you're talking about something that belongs to someone, or if you're making a contraction. The apostrophe is never used with an 's' in order to make something plural.

 

For instance:

I have a dog. (singular, and obviously no s at the end)

This is the dog's toy. (the toy belongs to that one dog, i.e. the dog possesses the toy)

There are three dogs. (plural of dog is dogs, not dog's)

These are the dogs' toys (the toys belong to all three dogs)

 

Your writing is improving and that's nice to see.

[NateDogg]

Thank You I really appreciate it.

[Empress Padme]

Besides minor misspelling it was a good story

[Jedi Eagle 27]

I really like this story! Please continue it.