(FIC) Atonement

[OfficerDonNZ]

Atonement v1

 

Well I wrote this many, many moons ago after reading a thread about the cut DS ending with Carth and Revan on the Star Forge on the Bio boards. This is my interpretation of how it might have gone. And yes it’s riddled with grammer and spelling errors. Nothing new there.

 

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"So you Killed Darth Malak. Somehow I... I always knew you would."

 

"Carth!? How did you get here?!" I ask I'm not that surprised he's here.

 

"I was picked up by the Republic Fleet. I told them of your betrayal." he pursed a moment "And I also told them I couldn't abandon you. I had to come. I said I'd find a way to save you from yourself and I will!"

 

I shake my head in disbelief. Bastila was right Carth is in love with me.

"You're taking an awful risk coming like this you know that don't you? I could just kill you." I say "And how exactly do you plan on saving me Carth?"

 

"Just listen to me that's all I ask." Carth says. Why could it hurt? I'm beyond redemption anyway.

 

The door behind me opens and I know without looking Bastila is here.

"Carth I thought I sensed your presence here. I should have known you'd find a way to meddle in this one last time." Bastila says

 

"Stay out of this Bastila. This is between myself and Revan." I'll give Carth his due he's brave if nothing else.

 

"Don't listen to him master! Let me strike him down. Size your victory!" Bastila says. I smile slightly she is eager to please her master.

 

"Carth is right Bastila. This dose not concern you and as my apprentice you will know your place!" I put her in a stasis filed. Giving Carth a chance to speak unhindered. "Now that we can't be interrupted you better say whatever it you came to say Carth."

 

Carth blinked a few times "I don't know what I can say Revan not really anyway. But I love you. And the woman I fell in love with couldn't fall completely to the dark side. You still could redeem yourself. It’s not too late!"

 

"It is Carth. I'm beyond redemption. I was always in danger of falling to the dark side again once I knew who I really was." I purse a moment remembering our travels together "Jolee knew it as well as Juhani. They tried to stop me at the Rakata Temple but they failed."

 

"So now what?" Carth asks

 

I pace back and forth then I face Carth "I can't raise my sabre against you if that's what you're asking." And it's the truth too perhaps I still love him. A Sith Lord in love? Maybe there is some hope for me but I can never go back to the light. "I don't deserve your love Carth and I don't think I never did."

 

"You are weak master!" Bastila screams "If you can't kill the fool then I will!" Bastila runs past me and Carth manages to doge her first swing but I know he won’t last.

 

"You will not kill him my apprentice." I say softly. I slowly and painfully begin to force choke the life out of Bastila.

 

"No!.... (cough) master....... (cough) please......" Bastila drops her sabre and her lifeless body soon followed. Carth was safe.

 

I'd forgotten how much fun that could be "You can be replaced." I say to her copse.

 

Carth just stood there with his mouth open "I knew you couldn't have fallen completely to the dark side Revan."

 

"And I can't go back to the light either Carth not after what I've done! Without Bastila's battle mediation the Republic fleet will be able to brake through and bombard the Star Forge. You should get on the Ebon Hawk and leave while you can." I tell him.

 

"No not without you!"

 

"Haven't you been listing? I can't come with you. I'm beyond redemption but maybe there is a way I can atone for what I've done. I'm going to stay here on the Star Forge until it’s destroyed."

 

"But..."

 

"But nothing Carth! I know what it means!" I pause "Maybe the galaxy will be better off without me maybe it wont."

 

"Then I'm staying too. I don't want to live without you."

 

It takes a few minutes for the words to sink in "Are you out of your mind Carth Onasi?!" I yell as I feel the first of the Republic's death blows hitting the station. "What about Dustil?"

 

"What about him? He's a man now and I got to see him to know he's alive. But I couldn't live without you Revan. I love you too much wrong or right. I'm staying here with you to the end!"

 

I feel tears running down my face "Oh Carth you fool I love you too."

 

Carth crosses the distance between us and he puts his arms around me and kisses me. We can both feel the explosion that will send the Star Forge to its end and us with it. It seems fitting somehow. For it to end like this. The fallen hero and her lover together in the only way fate will allow. Together in death.

 

Fin

 

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Atonement

Version 2

 

This has a different ending to the above And I think Carth is probably somewhat out of character in this as well but I'll let you be the judge on that.

 

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"So you Killed Darth Malak. Somehow I... I always knew you would."

 

"Carth!? How did you get here?!" I ask I'm not that surprised he's here.

 

"I was picked up by the Republic Fleet. I told them of your betrayal." he pursed a moment "And I also told them I couldn't abandon you. I had to come. I said I'd find a way to save you from yourself and I will!"

 

I shake my head in disbelief. Bastila was right Carth is in love with me.

"You're taking an awful risk coming like this you know that don't you? I could just kill you." I say "And how exactly do you plan on saving me Carth?"

 

"Just listen to me that's all I ask." Carth says. Why could it hurt? I'm beyond redemption anyway.

 

The door behind me opens and I know without looking Bastila is here.

"Carth I thought I sensed your presence here. I should have known you'd find a way to meddle in this one last time." Bastila says

 

"Stay out of this Bastila. This is between myself and Revan." I'll give Carth his due he's brave if nothing else.

 

"Don't listen to him master! Let me strike him down. Size your victory!" Bastila says. I smile slightly she is eager to please her master.

 

"Carth is right Bastila. This dose not concern you and as my apprentice you will know your place!" I put her in a stasis filed. Giving Carth a chance to speak unhindered. "Now that we can't be interrupted you better say whatever it you came to say Carth."

 

Carth blinked a few times "I don't know what I can say Revan not really anyway. But I love you. and the woman I fell in love with couldn't fall completely to the dark side. You still could redeem yourself. It’s not to late!"

 

"It is Carth. I'm beyond redemption. I was always in danger of falling to the dark side again once I knew who I really was." I purse a moment remembering our travels together "Jolee knew it as well as Juhani. They tried to stop me at the Rakata Temple but they failed."

 

"So now what?" Carth asks

 

I pace back and forth then I face Carth "You could always join me? There is a place at my side Carth if you want it." And it's the truth too perhaps I still love him. A Sith Lord in love? Maybe there is some hope for me but I can never go back to the light. "I don't deserve your love Carth and I don't think I ever did."

 

What he dose next surprises us both. Carth crosses the distance between us and he puts his arms around me and kisses me like it was the last thing we'd ever do. What his kiss and closeness is doing to me I dare not describe because I don't think I could.

We separate and Carth looks into my eyes "I think I just proved that you do deserve my love Revan. But you just asked me to betray the Republic." he says softly

 

"Would it be so bad?" I ask "Once Dodanna's taskforce is gone there wont be much to stand against me. The Sith empire will one day fall. Jolee said that no matter what happens the darkness and the light will never truly vanquish the other. There must be balance in the Force. For now the pendulum has swung in favour of the darkness but in time it will swing in the other. Probably long after I'm dead. You get to be on the side that gains the most this time." I say.

 

Carth's reply surprises him as much as it dose me. "If it means I can be with the woman I love then yes I'll join you."

 

I smile "I'm glad Carth I didn't what to have to kill you. And maybe you'll be able to keep my darker impulses in check and those of my apprentice. Come my love we have much to do." I walk hand in hand with Carth back to the Star Forge's command centre with Bastila following in our wake.

 

Fin

[Lord Spitfire]

It was quite good but i do agree that the second story was a little spontaneous.

[Bee Hoon]

The best way to fix grammar is, well, patience. Say the sentence aloud to yourself, and add commas and periods where you pause naturally (or at least that's the way I do it, albeit mentally). In all honesty, I preferred the first version for the reason that you have already stated; Carth is definitely LS all the way. Also, there's a lot that you could do to improve the fic. Add more descriptions, such as a wild gleam in Bastila's eyes when she eagerly offers to kill Carth. Describe her voice as she is being choked; halting and interrupted by rasping wheezes. Small flourishes like that add a lot to the overall feel of a story. My initial drafts of a story pretty much resemble what you have here...but the next stages of polishing take quite a lot of time and effort. Few people (in fact, no one whom I have met) get the story up to optimum level without working on it and rewriting large chunks, but if inspiration fails you, don't get discouraged! Just take a break. It'll come:)

 

Oh my, I've rambled on terribly.

 

Anyway, I hope this helped! Remember, practice makes perfect!

[OfficerDonNZ]

Oh this is just about as old as the other bit of SW fic that I have up here. I came across it the other day and thought aw heck I'll stick it up for the masses to see. This was never ment to be anything flash and when I first wrote it years ago it was more for myself than anything. So it's here for people to see for what's it's worth.