[fic] Destined to Live

[Darth_Yuthura]

------(seven years ago)------

 

“You’re wrong. The Force is stronger with me now than it’s even been.” Alayna declared.

 

“You can feel the the Force, but you cannot feel yourself.” Vrook stated.

 

“He’s right; it’s the strength of your companions that you control. You must have noticed by now how your strength grew as the number of those you traveled with grew. Only when you opened yourself to others again did you find the Force after all those years in exile. We still do not sense anything from you, yet your control of the Force grows ever stronger. How can one who is dead to the Force harness its power?” Zez Kai Ell asked.

 

“You don’t know that! You never understood what happened to me; how could you make such conclusions?!” Alayna screamed.

 

“Because there can be no other explanation. You appear to us as a wound in the Force... a void... yet your surroundings fluoresce with its power. We can see no other explanation other than that you draw your power from those around you. Like the Sith we face, you are a parasite upon the Force, siphoning from the life energy of everyone around you.” Vrook stated.

 

“That’s called a Force Bond.”

 

“A Force bond is a symbiotic relationship; both sides benefiting in the exchange. You benefit from your companions... that is obvious. What do you give them in return?” Vrook asked.

 

Alayna opened her mouth as if to respond, but found that she could not answer that question. Her companions risked their lives many times. She only saved them after she put them into danger in the first place. There was nothing she gave them, Alayna thought.

 

“The more attachments you make, the more powerful you become. When Koonda was secured, I witnessed how you agonizing over the deaths of people you’ve only just met as if you had grown up with them.” Vrook resumed.

 

She scoffed. “So you’re going to use even that against me? That I cared?! They died under my leadership. They would not have followed me if I did not care for the well-being of those I commanded... and they would be right to do so.”

 

“You felt their loss so dearly because their deaths detract from your strength. But it goes beyond that with you... where these Sith we now face feed upon the death of others, you are like the opposite. You feed upon life and those you prey upon do not even realize your control over them.” Zez Kae Ell said.

 

“What’s worse is that even you do not realize it. We sought to conceal ourselves from the Sith, but you have gathered so many so strong in the Force that you cannot hide from the enemy anymore.” Kavar explained.

 

“Even as we speak, the Sith are on their way to Dantooine. You would have eventually lead them to us; but we had not anticipated that you would have revealed our presence so quickly. It is ironic that we had been ready to engage our enemy all these years, waiting for it to reveal itself. Now that it has... we are now ill-prepared to stand against it.”

 

“Then why have we gathered if not to fight them?” Alayna asked. As they looked at her, the Council silently said what she dreaded more than anything. In fear, she backed away. “No! You can’t be serious! I thought you wanted to rectify your past mistakes!”

 

Vrook sealed the door behind her. “Our final judgment remains, exile. You must leave, but you must leave without your tie to the Force. It is a punishment reserved for only a few, but as long as you can feel the Force, you are a threat both to yourself and everyone around you.”

 

Alayna nodded defiantly. “I will leave... but I will not submit to this.”

 

“This must be done. You are a danger to everyone around you.”

 

Kavar approached her. “I’m sorry, Alayna, but this is necessary.”

 

Alayna backed away from her longtime friend. “I don’t believe any of you... I can’t afford to! Either I prove you wrong and we go from here, or you prove yourselves right and we all die!” When Vrook raised his hand to put her into a stasis trance, Alayna took her lightsabers in each hand, but did not activate them. A part of her knew it was futile, but there seemed nothing else she could do other than resist and hope they would kill her before stealing the Force from her life. Alayna trembled and could barely stand, let alone fight. “I don’t want to fight, but I will not allow you to do this.”

 

Master Vrook, Kavar, and Zez Kai Ell all focused their effort to put Alayna in a stasis trance as quickly as they could. By the time she activated her lightsabers, Alayna had already been incapacitated, falling to the ground. As the three approached her to perform the severance, the doors behind were forced open and the hooded woman that Alayna knew then as Traya moved in to defend the helpless Jedi.

 

“She’s had enough of your dissembling!” She raised her hand and the three masters were thrown away like rag dolls. “She is under my protection and you will not harm her. You will not harm her ever again.” The old woman removed her hood to show her face.

 

“You?!” Vrook shouted when he reached his feet.

 

“What have you done to her?” Kavar demanded, anger in his voice.

 

“I? I have done nothing. It was this one who clung to life after the Force had abandoned her. It was Alayna Xanatos who learned to live in its absence. I merely taught her to hear it again.”

 

“Is this true... outcast? Do you not realize that she represents everything you claim to believe in?”

 

Barely conscious, Alayna raised her head to face the Council one last time. “I had no choice. You abandoned me. I knew who she was long ago, but...” Tears streamed down her cheeks as Alayna confessed to the crime Vrook accused her of. “I was desperate. I knew it was wrong, but... I couldn’t live without the Force.”

 

“I take it back. You are not simply misguided. You are every bit as dangerous as Revan ever was!”

 

Traya kneeled beside Alayna and stroked her hair. “You’re wrong, Vrook. Beat a Kath hound enough and it will eventually stop howling. It may even do tricks for you.” She stood up and confronted Vrook. “It took a decade before she turned against everything she valued... how long would you have lasted?” She raised her arm.

 

Vrook grabbed his lightsaber, but before he activated it, he dropped to the ground and screamed as if being eviscerated. The other masters moved to stop her, but Vrook had stopped screaming and she lowered her hand.

 

“That was but a taste of the horror she was forced to live with. I was hoping you would have lasted longer, but I did not come to administer pain... it is a far greater victory to make an enemy see through your eyes than to close theirs forever.”

 

“She is... difficult to see. She is like a shadow of the Exile.” Zez Kai Ell observed.

 

“Yes. Like her, the Force was stripped from me, but where it was forced upon me, she made a choice. What Alayna turned away from was the corruptive forces of Malachor V. It was because she feared what she would become that Alayna chose to sever herself from the Force rather than drown in the power of the darkside.”

 

Vrook was slow to get up, but he snarled at Traya as she spoke. “Don’t talk to us about the Darkside. All you have trained spread more evil across the Galaxy than Exar Kunn, himself.”

 

Traya gazed upon the three scornfully. “Even after witnessing everything you were entrusted with crumble into oblivion... if you want to blame me, then fine. Blame me!Blame Revan! Blame those who fought in the Mandalorian wars! Blame everyone except Vrook Lamar!” She turned her gaze across the room and away from them. “The blame was always ours, the masters. The difference between you and me was that I had the wisdom to see the flaws of our teachings... flaws that we would have passed on to our apprentices and theirs’ long after without knowing it.” She turned back to face the masters. “How could you ever hope to address the threat you faced? Zez Kai Ell, did you seriously believe that living on Nar Shadaa all those years would have compensated for your sin against Alayna? When she stood before you, begging your forgiveness, you should have defended her. To hell that she disobeyed the Council! To hell with what they decided! You knew she was suffering, yet you abandoned her and the Jedi. Even then, you were not beyond redemption. On Nar Shadaa, there was suffering all around, yet you blinded yourself to all that happened there. In ignoring their cries for help, you stopped being a Jedi and have no right to judge anyone here today.”

 

Zez Kai Ell ignited his lightsaber.

 

“As for you, Kavar... how could you ever hope to expect trust from your followers when one such as you would not stand for those dearest to you? Through such actions did your Order lose the cohesion that bound all Jedi to one another. You reaped the benefits of her sacrifices, but ignored Alayna when she needed you most. Before you judge her treachery, you must first pay for yours. When an enemy strikes at you, it hurts... but it at least is expected. When a friend turns their back on you, or worse... turns on you, it hurts more than to lose the Force.”

 

Kavar got in a battle stance after igniting his weapons.

 

Alayna weakly crawled to her hands and knees and weakly cried “Please... no more bloodshed.”

 

“With all the death you caused to get here, what does another matter anymore to you?” Vrook said as he ignited his saber as well.

 

“And you, Lamar, are the most hypocritical of them all. If you believed the Jedi shouldn’t have entered the Mandalorian Wars, you would have at least chosen a side. When Revan entered the war, it should have been your duty to go against him... you did nothing. Only after he dealt with the Mandalorian threat did you declare him a traitor and a rebel. You criticized one who gave you an answer to a threat, yet you provided no alternative of your own. Revan did what had to be done, yet even now, you believe that it was he who caused the destruction of your precious Order.” She moved closer to the three masters. “Only when your own interests were at stake did any of you act. You took refuge in your temples, commanding other Jedi to risk their lives for you like Fascists. Alayna Xanatos commanded authority because she put her followers before herself. ‘I’m always in front of you.’ Those are the words of a natural leader.” She put her right hand and the stump of her left wrist on her hips. “As instructors, we were to hold ourselves to a higher standard than that of our students. As you would pass judgment on her, I have come to pass judgment on you all.”

 

“This is your only warning: surrender now, or you will receive no mercy from us.” Kavar demanded.

 

“I am not here to fight. I had hoped you would have learned something since you cast us out, but I see that you would have sacrificed Alayna yet again. If you had learned the teachings born of the Mandalorian Wars... of all wars of all tragedies that screamed across the Galaxy... you might have saved yourselves from this fate! You, who have forever seen the Galaxy through the Force... see it through Alayna’s eyes.” She extended her hand one last time.

 

As their screams echoed throughout the chamber, the three finally understood the agony that they left Alayna to face alone, if only for a moment before they fell dead.

[Insignia_Enithma]

Not realizing there where a load of chapter before your latest, I'd just like to say how good your writing is.

 

I seriously enjoyed reading it, I could almost feel the emotion portrayed through the writing. You deserve, if not a cookie, a pat on the back and a round of applause.

[Darth_Yuthura]

Not realizing there where a load of chapter before your latest, I'd just like to say how good your writing is.

 

I seriously enjoyed reading it, I could almost feel the emotion portrayed through the writing. You deserve, if not a cookie, a pat on the back and a round of applause.

 

Thank-you. You have no idea how good it feels to get compliments such as this.

 

This is my first fiction told from a third person perspective and I had no idea how well I could portray emotion under those conditions. I generally favor first person for the emotional response that I could portray, because I could put the reader in that character's place more easily; but that means the story is limited to only that character.

[Insignia_Enithma]

Thank-you. You have no idea how good it feels to get compliments such as this.

 

This is my first fiction told from a third person perspective and I had no idea how well I could portray emotion under those conditions. I generally favor first person for the emotional response that I could portray, because I could put the reader in that character's place more easily; but that means the story is limited to only that character.

 

I know also as a author in the making the effects of compliment on the morality and determination to continue to write. I didn't think 3rd person emotions could be done so well... maybe I should stop writing stuff in 1st all the time...

[Darth_Yuthura]

Genda had taken on several Mandalorian recruits with varying degrees of success. Some matches were quick while others were rather difficult. Genda had never faced an opponent with a melee shield and was perplexed when he saw a deflector screen that keep a vibrosword from harming his opponent.

 

The same screen that prevented physical objects from hitting the wearer protected him by redistributing the force of an impact. To follow the user’s movement, a number of projectors had to be placed along the body armour, but didn’t protect the wrists or fingers. There was enough room open at the hands to permit a blaster pistol to be held, but the screen didn’t extend beyond that.

 

When he raised his stun blaster to fire at Genda, the Mandalorian just stood in one place to get a clear shot. Genda took a hit to the chest, but the intensity of the blast was just enough to inflict intense pain. When he swung the sword and hit the shield, Genda was surprised by what he was up against. Before the opponent could fire again, Genda hit his opponent’s arm away to keep the blaster sight off of him.

 

The major benefit that a melee shield provided was that it didn’t restrict a soldier’s dexterity, but it couldn’t do any more than distribute the force of an impact. The emitters at the wrist and elbow took the impact of Genda’s sword and the Mandalorian couldn’t get a clear shot. He attempted to hit Genda with the other hand, but the shield protecting him also prevented him from delivering an effective punch. And in the struggling, Genda kept the sight of the enemy pistol from finding his body.

 

When Genda realized that the shield didn’t extend over the Mandalorian’s feet, he realized the best way to attack his opponent. Stepping on one foot and swinging his sword for the other startled the Mandalorian and he backed out of bounds from the Battle Circle.

 

When Bendeck called the battle in Genda’s favor, he sounded as though genuinely stating that Genda was truly the winner. “An excellent match. It is highly discouraged to leave the Battle Circle or to throw your opponent out, but getting him to step out of bounds on his own earned you much credit. I must say that you did well this day. You may continue to challenge others again, but you won’t earn any more honor unless you fight a champion of a previous day.”

 

“Why don’t recruits train against Champions, if I may ask?”

 

“That only applies to the Battle Circle. You may do so at any time, but no one who hasn’t tasted battle are qualified to earn further honor through the Battle Circle. When a Champion is willing to sponsor you, then you may do so. Until then, you’ve fought well this day.”

 

Genda felt better after it was over. He remembered the first times he trained on Sleheyron and how he his peers treated him. It took a long time before he was given respect. By then respect didn’t matter that much anymore, as he knew how capable a fighter he had become. As he found himself among full-blooded Mandalorians, he wondered if he survived because of his genes or his skills.

 

It was late in the day, but Tashi watched Genda in action for the first time she’s known him. It was strange that in all the time she’d known him, Tashi never really saw him fight in the arena. She felt better knowing that he wasn’t fighting to the death, but it was still unpleasant to watch him take punishment. When he finally stepped out of the battle circle, she was relieved and glad to see him smile. “You heard that? It sounded to me like respect.”

 

He chuckled. “Yeah, I must admit I feel a little better knowing that I wasn’t just a champion on Sleheyron. That may mean something to the rest of the Galaxy. I was almost expecting to be beaten a few times.”

 

“You were amazing. I’ve always wondered how good you really were.”

 

He shook his head. “There’s one thing that comes from having a perfect record; each victory gets harder because you know it’s only a matter of time before you’re beaten. At least I proved to them that a ‘half-blood’ can show them a thing or two.”

 

Tashi noticed something else was bothering him. “Is that what that was about? What does it matter what these troglodytes think of you?”

 

He sighed and tilted his head back, watching the clouds drift across the sky. “I don’t know what to do. I mean... we’re free now, but I don’t know where to go now. I don’t know how we’re supposed to make a living. All I’m good at anymore is fighting and killing.”

 

She reluctantly nodded. “And that’s something these people look highly upon. Is that something you’re interested in?”

 

He shook his head and looked back to her. “Faso... when he threw me into the arena... I just did what had to be done to survive. I didn’t give the other slaves a second thought. As I became better and better at killing, Faso loved me more and more... for making him credits.” He sighed. “Do you know how many have died because of me? Slaves... who impaled themselves upon my blade because of the whips of their masters from behind. And they cheered because of it.”

 

“That was wrong.”

 

“And yet it never stopped. Faso kept throwing me in and it didn’t matter what happened to me, so long as I gave him the greatest return on his investment... that’s all I ever was. Just property to do with as he desired.”

 

“That’s over now.”

 

“No, it’s not! Billions more are still under the brutal heal of their masters and no one is ever going to help them.”

 

She held his shoulders in an effort to comfort the troubled youth. “Genda, I wish you would stop. There’s the way things should be and the way things are. That’s how it is and you can’t do anything to change that.”

 

He continued staring elsewhere. “Yes, I can. I must. I hate the Hutts... they must not be allowed to deprive another of their right to live. If I’m able to fight, then I must fight them.”

 

“Would you get a hold of yourself? If you’re foolish enough to go back, you’d just be captured again. And after that, you’ll be right back where you were six years ago.” She scoffed. “In fact, it probably would have been better if you had just died the first time you were thrown into the arena!”

 

Tashi turned and walked off, leaving a stunned Genda behind. Alayna had been watching Genda’s last fight from another location and heard the conversation he and Tashi shared. When she was out of earshot, Alayna came up from behind. “You have some skill with a blade.”

 

Genda turned around, still bitter at Alayna for refusing to train him to use the Force. “Yeah, I didn’t want to die. I knew that to survive, I had to train as hard as possible. That’s the only reason why I’m still alive; because I committed myself more than everyone else.”

 

Alayna recognized by his tone what he really wanted to say. Although unspoken, she could tell that he blamed her for everything that’s happened on Sleheyron. Although she believed it just as much as Genda, she wouldn’t let herself be bullied in that way. She replied with a gentle tone. “It’s over now. You’re alive. Tashi is alive. You have your lives back... thanks to you.”

 

“Yeah, it’s because I can’t seem to count on anyone else.” He folded his arms across his chest in an aggressive manner.

 

“Do you still blame me for what happened to you on Sleheyron?”

 

“No...” he sighed, knowing that he didn’t sound very convincing. “It’s just... You said that you wanted to take responsibility as my mother. Did you mean that?”

 

She kept silent for a long moment until he looked into her eyes. “I do.”

 

“Then why do you deny me this?” he said, referring to becoming a Jedi.

 

She stared into his eyes, almost as if to study why he wanted that power so much. She had seen many children chosen to train as Jedi and most were simply so fascinated by the power that they could hardly think of anything else. A few who had been bullied saw the Force as a means to hurt them back. There were no rules written in stone that listed the restrictions for selecting a person to train them to use the Force, but children usually were the most suited to learn the ways of the Jedi. It was not so much a matter of age, but how malleable the mind was is to accepting new ideas.

 

Alayna remembered how she felt when she thought of training Genda. Almost as though she found a way to make up for everything that’s happened, training him may have presented her with an opportunity to become his mother again. It had been nearly two decades since they shared each other’s breaths, felt each other’s heartbeat, and yet she cared for him deeply.

 

She remembered a time when she used to think she understood love, but Alayna faced that she never really understood how powerful a mother’s love could be. Having him back again made her feel emotions that gave her great joy... and seeing how he’d grown up and developed without her was painful. She knew that it was wrong of her as a Jedi to have those feelings, but it was her feelings as a mother that she made her choice.

 

“Genda, please believe me when I tell you... nothing would have given me greater joy than to train you; to see you become a Jedi and use the Force. But I’m afraid for what might happen to you if I did.”

 

“What are you talking about? Is it dangerous?”

 

She sighed and realized that they weren’t in the best place for that kind of conversation. At least one Mandalorian had been watching the two speak while passing by. “This isn’t the right place to speak of that. Why don’t we go back to the Ebon Hawk and I'll explain to you my reasons for it.”

[Darth_Yuthura]

When she and Genda gathered in the Ebon Hawk’s cargo hold with T3, Alayna asked the droid to replay the recording of her trial by the Jedi Council.

 

Genda looked at the holo projections light up before facing Alayna. “Your trial?”

 

“Yes. The Force can lead to wondrous possibilities, but it also has an ugly side that few ever consider. I know that you are disappointed with me, but... I hope that you can... understand my reasons a little better by knowing more of how you came to be.”

 

“I was born because of this?”

 

“Please... just watch.”

 

The little droid generated a projection of the members of the High Council and a much younger version of Alayna as she entered the field of view. Genda noticed that Alayna had a look about her unlike anything of the woman he knew. “You...? You look different somehow.”

 

“This happened just after my tie to the Force had been severed. I was devastated, broken, and suffering terribly. When one becomes dependent on the Force, losing it can be worse than death. In the recording, Master Vrook began by calling the woman in the recording ‘Alexandra.’ When Genda looked to her, she spoke over the recording. “That was my name once. After this, I wanted nothing of that life or of myself. I had also made many enemies and didn’t want anyone to find me.”

 

They watched as she went back and forth with each Council member, Alayna explaining everything that Genda wouldn’t have known. She felt it was important for him to understand what she’d been through. As the recording began to draw to its close, Alexandra showed desperation and panic as the Council gave her their verdict. “Please! I was just trying to save as many lives as possible.”

 

“You only returned because you lost your connection to the Force. There was no other reason.” The projection of Vrook declared.

 

“No... yes. But I would have returned anyway to face your judgment.” Alexandra answered.

 

Alayna spoke to Genda. “I was lying when I said I was wrong to go to war. I would have confessed to anything just to get them to help me. They couldn’t tell, but I would have returned, if only to justify why I defied them.”

 

“Are they... did they help you?”

 

Alayna just stared at the projection of her in tears, feeling that way every time she watched the recording, but having shed all the tears she had long ago. Genda could almost see the pain within her as it was 18 years ago as she stared at herself and whispered, “No.”

 

The way she spoke that one word seemed to indicate to Genda the hidden strength that Alayna possessed. He didn’t really understand what was going on, but he saw something more about Alayna than he ever had before. He turned to watch the rest of the recording as Alexandra broke down in tears. “Please! Exile me, imprison me if you must, but don’t leave me like this!”

 

“You’ve shut us out and now shut yourself out to the Galaxy. For your crimes, you are fortunate to be leaving here at all.”

 

Alayna spoke again. “I would gladly have accepted any kind of punishment, so long as they healed my connection to the Force. I hated them for what they did... why they did it. Two of the people here were my friends. None of them stood up for me.”

 

“There is one last thing: Surrender your lightsabers.” Vrook said.

 

“I already gave you everything I had! How dare you ask yet for more?!” Alexandra screamed.

 

“That was the final insult to me. The lightsaber is the most important possession of a Jedi. I was a stain to their reputation and they just... didn’t care anymore.” Alayna said.

 

The recording continued. “You will not carry the symbols of the Jedi away from this place. Give them up, or we will take them from you.”

 

Alexandra walked out of the holocamera’s range after answering that they had to stop her. When Kavar stood up, Alayna asked T3 to fast forward to the last minute. “Master Kavar was my friend and he didn’t want me to leave, but wouldn’t explain why he didn’t defend me. He said that all our long years... would I have trusted him if he said it was for a good reason.” she turned to Genda. “I know that we are not that close. I assure you that the last thing I would want is to hurt you further... which is why I don’t want to see something like this happen to you... or worse.”

 

Genda stared at the hologram of Alexandra ignite her lightsabers and drive them into the center stone. “When you have healed the stone and your hearts, maybe one day, I will return.”

 

Alayna said one last bit about her words. “I destroyed the words ‘Truth’ and ‘Justice’ for they were deprived of me that day.”

 

As the holo recording died out at Alayna’s request, Genda had started crying. Partly it was for his mother, but also for something that had been deprived of him. She let him cry on her shoulder and held onto him. “The Force is not always the gift it is thought to be. The sadness you feel... and maybe the resent you must feel for me will pass. I’ve never gotten over what happened to me that day.”

 

“Please... I want to learn to use the Force. I want to know what you feel. I want to have your strength.”

 

Alayna had heard such words before, but never did anyone say they wanted to know what she ‘feels.’ That had caught her attention. “What would you do with it? What makes you desire so much for this power?”

 

“I want to go back and save our children. Faso took them from Tashi... he forced them from her. I want to go back and save them. He would only have them fight like me to entertain. To people who don’t care what happens to their slaves... who treats them like property.”

 

“I can do that instead.” She pulled him away. “And I will... if that’s what it takes.”

 

“No. I have to do it. I would not ask anyone else to risk their life for them.”

 

Alayna saw great resolve in him as he spoke those words. “Minoru... we will get them back. I think that if we simply made a good enough offer, we could save them without risking anyone.”

 

He didn’t give her a confident stare. “Do you have any idea how much he would ask for them?”

 

“A fortune, I know. But if that’s what it takes to get them back safely, it’s worth it to me.”

 

Genda simply stared at Alayna, partly amazed at how much Alayna was willing to give for the safe return of their children; but a part of him was not satisfied to hear that Alayna would give Faso everything that he wanted for his children. “Alayna... you cannot possibly be able to buy them from Faso. He once said that he regretted not selling me when I was in my prime. He said that I lost value, as I didn’t entertain crowds anymore, but that Tashi...”

 

As he spoke, they were interrupted by a Mandalorian who had was at the foot of the boarding ramp. “Jedi, Mandalore demands your presence immediately.”

[Darth_Yuthura]

Alayna did as she was told and reported to Canderous. He had been on the comm system speaking with Visas on the other end. Alayna had not known Visas was outside the settlement, so she was surprised to see her on the screen. “Visas... what’s wrong? Where are you?”

 

Mandalore gestured her to take his seat and took his leave. “I’ll let you two catch up on the gossip, but try to make it brief. I’ve got some real work to do.”

 

When the door was sealed behind him, Visas answered the question she was asked. “Forgive me for leaving the settlement without your permission, but I felt it was important to find out what happened to the others on Dantooine.”

 

“You’re there now?”

 

“Yes. A freighter was en route to Raxus Prime and the crew said they could make a slight detour to deposit me here.” Visas answered. “I’ve been through the enclave and there was no indication of an attack. It looks as though it’s been abandoned for some time.”

 

Alayna sighed and closed her eyes as she heard the confirmation that all their efforts from five years ago was indeed lost. “I figured as much. There never was much hope.” She lowered her head and let the news sink in. A part of her was relieved to hear that the enclave wasn’t attacked, or that her companions were dead. And yet it gave her little comfort to not know exactly what happened to them. If Visas found dead bodies, then it could have given Alayna some measure of conclusion. It was a terrible thing not knowing whether someone was dead or not.

 

Alayna didn’t like losing friends, but not knowing what happened to them left open the possibility that they might still be alive. As much as she would have wanted to see them again, Alayna assumed that they were dead. All that Visas had done was give Alayna hope, but hope was all that she was left with.

 

“Alayna... they could still be alive. I haven’t done a thorough search yet.”

 

She sighed a breath of great sadness. “Visas, I appreciate your concern, but we’re no better off than before. If they had died, I would have sensed it. Did you think that I wouldn’t have returned if I wasn’t sure?”

 

Visas’ brow had been obscured by a tiara, but even that didn’t hide her reaction. The way Alayna spoke to her was much like the way that her old master would have. Nonetheless, she did answer. “There is a reason for why I’m contacting you now. I found a personal message for you.”

 

“A message? What did it say? Who from?” she anxiously asked.

 

“I did not view it myself. The message was specifically for you and I chose to respect your privacy. I thought you would want to see it as soon as possible, which is why I have it ready to transmit at your request. Would you like me to upload it to you now, or would you rather wait until I return to see it?”

 

Alayna hesitated for a moment before realizing how important it was to know what became of her friends. She found that ever since the Council told her that she was a wound in the Force, it had become much too painful to be with them. She also felt that it might have been easier just to leave the past behind and not look back, but Alayna knew that doubt would forever gnaw at her. “Please send me the message.”

 

Visas’ fingers swept across the controls to input the proper command to send it. Unlike a being with eyes, Visas kept her head fixed where it was instead of looking down to her fingers, where eyes normally would be drawn to. Alayna still marveled at how Visas could read the controls with only the Force. Alayna could barely distinguish shapes, let alone digital signals. “I will continue to investigate the ruins. It may not matter to you, but I think it’s important to know what happened to the others.”

 

“Of course... thank-you for contacting me. If you don’t mind, I would like to see that message in private. Otherwise, you may view it yourself.”

 

“Thank-you. You may contact me on this same channel if you need to get back to me.” Visas answered. “They had restored the communications systems here before they left.”

 

“Left?” Alayna asked. “There’s more going on than you’re telling me.”

 

“I haven’t finished investigating yet. When I have more to report, I’ll get back to you. I just wanted to transmit that recording. I hope that it gives you some peace.”

 

Before Alayna could could respond, the transmission was cut and a new screen came up with the template for a holographic recording. It was addressed to Alayna and created almost three years ago. She stared at the screen for a long moment as she tried to build up the courage to play it. A gut-wrenching feeling came to her and she literally couldn’t stand, the feeling in her legs completely numb. She managed to pile herself into a chair, dreading what was impending. She didn’t know what she was going to learn, but she knew it had to be bad.

 

When she extended her arm to the controls and tapped the panel, the holographic projector behind her came to life and she pivoted her chair to watch. It was Mical who made the recording and his figure was projected above the imager. He looked like hell, not just physically, but down to the saddest look he had ever given her. Of course he had been staring into a holo camera while doing the recording, but she knew that he was looking into her eyes three years later.

 

Sighing deeply, shaking his head, Mical looked up again. “This message is for Alayna Xanatos. I hope that it is you who finds this.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I still remember when we first met, almost twenty years ago. I was only a child then, but I felt as though I could see my future as a Jedi and you as my master. When you left for war, and I confronted the reality that I was just a foolish child with too much imagination.”

 

He turned his attention away from the holo imager and folded his arms over his chest. “But no matter how much I tried to get on with my life, I just felt that I was meant to have been with you. It just seemed that our destinies were intertwined, but that fate just wasn’t on our side.” He turned his attention back towards Alayna and slowly smiled brilliantly. “But on that day you found me...” he gestured around. “...in this very chamber in fact, I realized that was exactly how I was meant to be with you. Not as your student, but as your friend.”

 

After a pause, he looked down and his expression turned grim. “Those two months, I’ll never forget. I record this in the event that you should return here. In the months after you left, I tried my best to hold the Order together, but...” he sighed and looked up “...my best wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. What’s worse is that I knew it when you asked me to take your place all those years ago. I had not understood your reasons for leaving, yet you had never lead us astray...”

 

As she listened to Mical speak, Alayna felt a pain within her intensifying as he complimented her ever so highly. She couldn’t believe that after all she had done, that he could still give praise for the responsibility she handed him. By that point, she knew that the others simply went their separate ways. And if Alayna’s companions broke apart without her

 

Mical’s words disrupted her thoughts. “...I had hoped in time that I would, but I’m afraid I acted too late. I should have known better than to assume that I could effectively instruct the others, even though I wasn’t a master, myself. I should not have taken it on faith that we could rebuild the Order without you. Alayna... I am sorry that I now leave you a shattered Order. I should not have accepted a responsibility that I could not handle two years ago. But I have and now I believe the best course of action is for the remaining three of us to pursue our own paths. Brianna is going to take responsibility for securing all the Jedi artifacts on Telos and to keep a watchful eye on Atris. Alastria is going to be working with Admiral Onasi to locate other surviving Jedi. As for me... I am going to come looking for you. Revan is important, but so are you. I only hope that I find you before you find this message. Otherwise I urge you to resume the role you left behind and gather the others again.”

 

As he drew to his close, Alayna began to cry. A part of her wanted nothing more than to run away from the responsibility that was upon her, but in the back of her mind echoed the words of the Council from five years ago. It was the primary reason why she parted with her friends after that, but Alayna still had not known that she was in denial. Mical’s words seemed to drive the cold, hard truth into her like a Pontite crystal.

 

“It was not for restoring the Order that we gathered; it was you. It was for you that I wanted to learn the ways of the Force. It was because... it because I love you that I follow you now... even if I am not likely to return...”

 

Alayna couldn’t bear to hear anymore and slapped her hand down upon the control panel, deactivating the hologram. She was mortified; more so than she had ever been in her life. The horrible sensation in her gut left the tormented Jedi hunched over the control panel, barely able to hold herself up as she prostrated to her knees.

 

Alayna’s thoughts became flooded with so much emotion, so much chaos, and so much disorientation that she felt trapped in a maelstrom of torment. Alayna didn’t know exactly whom she felt sorry for, whether it was herself, Mical, or anyone else she ever called ‘friend;’ but his words of affection cut deep into her soul. It was as though she lived in denial for so long that that accepting the truth was as difficult as accepting that 2+2=5.

 

Alayna had not contacted her friends since she departed, five years ago, but she had known that the new Jedi Order was gone. Since returning to Republic space, she had actively sought to avoid learning the truth, knowing both outcomes were going to be bad. Confirming that her friends had been killed would have been painful, but what Alayna discovered instead tormented her more greatly.

 

It was rather ironic that she wouldn’t have wanted any of her companions to die, Bao-Dur, Mira, Atton... and yet it was learning that they lived that caused her such anguish... confirming that she dominated them and that they stopped following her after they parted ways. Alayna had been breathing heavily, almost to the point of hyperventilation. Alayna couldn’t deny it anymore and openly admitted the truth to herself. “They were right.” she whispered, ever so gently.

 

Somewhat unconvinced, she gasped another breath much more sharply and repeated herself, this time with utter defeatism in her tone. “They were right all along, but I can’t... I just can’t!”

 

As Alayna broke into tears, she realized that it was simply impossible to live a normal life without bringing devastation upon other people’s lives. It was her connection to the Force that caused such destruction, and yet Alayna knew that she could never bring herself to live without it again. She had come to depend upon it much more than before, but even if she could, Alayna would never sever her own tie to the Force.

 

---------

 

Safely navigating the jungle trails of Dxun at night was nearly impossible, even for the most seasoned Mandalorian warrior. There was already an abundance of predators and hazardous rooted organisms in daylight, but the shroud of darkness only intensified the danger. The wildlife on Dxun were mostly predators, but few beasts that seemed to have a comparative advantage over any of the others. Most predators and their prey could tell when the other was close, even in the dark; so stealth wasn’t something either could rely on. The vegetation had grown so wild that some species could eat cannoks whole, spread pollen that infected victims in order to evolve, everything about the planet was hostile.

 

Regardless, Alayna hadn’t the least bit of concern as she treaded through the jungle without any fear of the dangers around her. She was in so much emotional turmoil that she hardly noticed that an intense storm had developed. She had already been drenched by the downpour of rain, but it only became more intense. In the distance she could see a source of light. It didn’t seem to lead in the direction of the Mandalorian settlement, but it was clearly artificial. She just assumed that it was and followed that one bright light amongst nearly perfect shadow. She didn’t activate her lightsaber because certain beasts were attracted to bright light; she could see well enough through the Force to make her way to the source of the light.

 

It was a Mandalorian bunker that served as a weapon cache during the war. Apparently it had been renovated for a new use within Canderous’ settlement, which explained why it was alive with power. Alayna sighed in frustration, as she didn’t find the settlement, but was relieved to find shelter from the rain. Just having a roof over her head seemed so much nicer than not, so she took refuge within.

 

She saw some machinery inside that would have suggested sensor and/or communications equipment, a portable power generator, and crates of rusted junk that weren’t worth salvaging. The lighting inside was very dim, but they activated when Alayna entered the bunker and flickered as they struggled to stay alive with power.

 

Alayna let loose her hair and wrought it out as much as she could, her cloak before wrapping herself back in it, peeled her boots off, and then collapsed near the machine that generated the most excess heat. It felt so good to be out of the rain, despite being chilled to the bone; but it wasn’t long before doubt began to gnaw at her again.

 

Alayna had thought much about those few months she spent with Darth Trayus, or Kreia she had called the old woman. She remembered that in their last few moments together, Trayus spoke of the future and utterly believed in her prophecies. She just couldn’t imagine the Trayus might have been wrong. She remembered how foolish the Council were to trust so much on Master Vandar’s ‘vision’ when the Republic was crumbling to the Mandalorian war machine. After her experience in the last few years, she knew she was right... because she did exactly that by ignoring her better judgment and suffered for it.

 

As she recalled everything the Council said on that fateful day they died, Alayna had remembered what Visas spoke of which made her dismiss their judgment. She had explained in great detail why she and her friends traveled with Alayna... they all did so by choice. Each one of them seemed to have a valid reason for following her which hadn’t been influenced by the Force. She wanted nothing more than to believe that the Council were wrong yet again, but it just seemed as though it would have been easier to have just surrendered a long time ago. She didn’t have to go to the Mandalorian Wars, lose the Force, and get it back only to become a parasite upon others.

 

Alayna had often put her life in danger in order to protect the innocent, but there was something different about the situation she found herself in. She had lived 10 years without the Force, but it flowed through her again like never before. When the last of the Jedi Council told her what she was and that she was a danger to all life, Alayna had shut them out without having considered that they were right. She feared living without the Force again, yet the guilt she felt became excruciating. Alayna didn’t want to control others as she has. She just wanted the right to feel the Force again, but she realized that her gift came at too high a price.

 

Having survived without it for ten years, Alayna knew that she could not bring herself down to such mediocrity again. Even if she could sever her own tie to the Force, Alayna didn’t think that she could. For the sake of all life, she unclipped her lightsaber and stared at it for a painfully long moment. Some of the droplets of water which collected on the metal agglomerated around her fingers and streamed down to her wrist.

 

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she slowly brought the weapon to her chest. Just having it to her heart brought her fear to another level that she didn’t expect. Panting with irregular and intense breaths, Alayna didn’t want to die, but living without the Force again just seemed so much worse.

 

----

 

What felt like an eternity to Alayna had actually been only minutes and her panting returned almost to normal breathing. She slowly moved her thumb over the trigger and touched the plate, just enough to feel the texture. Before she applied pressure, Alayna heard activity outside and it drew enough of her attention that she moved her thumb away. A few seconds later, she heard panting and footsteps splashing mud that were drawing closer.

 

When the footsteps hit the duracrete, they produced the sound that came only from booted feet, but she barely took notice. It wasn’t until she heard her name spoken in a familiar voice that she opened her eyes and twisted her head just enough to glance upon him and turned away again. “Get out of here, Minoru.” she spoke ever so softly.

 

He drew in a little closer, just enough to see the lightsaber. “Alayna, what are you doing?”

 

“Please.” she whispered.

 

Finding Alayna as she was bewildered Genda. She was so wise and poised that it didn’t seem she would ever resort to something like that. He didn’t do as she commanded, but cautiously treaded closer. “Alayna... Mother... you don’t want to do this.”

 

She closed her eyes and gently shook her head. Her face had already been damp, but Genda saw the tear that streamed down her cheek among the droplets of condensation. She forced in another breath and whispered back “Believe me, I don’t want this.”

 

He stepped up to Alayna and kneeled before her. “Would you please put that away?”

 

She held the lightsaber tighter in her grip. She didn’t wish to kill herself right in front of her son, but as she tried to grasp her situation, she was left wondering why Genda ventured that far into the jungle. “Hold on... why are you here? How did you find me??”

 

“I... don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just felt that I had to leave the settlement. I guess that I was lucky to find you.”

 

Hearing those words, Alayna wailed. “I drew you to me!” Having her own son under her control seemed like another dagger through her heart. She became so distraught that all the muscles in her body yielded. The lightsaber slipped from her grip and rolled onto the floor.

 

Genda took the weapon and moved it beyond her reach. It gave him little relief, as Alayna sprawled upon the floor, sobbing in agony. He didn’t know why she was so upset, but knew when someone was willing to take their own life... it had to be bad. He kneeled beside the woman he had known only for about a week, but held her as though they had been together for a lifetime. “Mother... what’s wrong?”

 

His touch seemed to comfort her more than anything in that moment. It was truly the first time he opened up to her as a son to his mother and it made her heart ache to realize just how much she had lost. Alayna lifted her face from the floor to look into her son’s eyes. “I’m so sorry I brought all this upon you. If I had known where you were, I swear I would have gone back for you.”

 

Although he didn’t doubt her sincerity, he knew that wasn’t why she sought death. “It’s alright. Everything ultimately worked out in the end.”

 

She shook her head. “You remember the reason I said I wouldn’t train you? I said that once you learn to feel the Force, you come to depend on it.”

 

He gently nodded.

 

She closed her eyes and forced herself to admit it to herself and to him. “I leave a trail of broken lives wherever I go. When I act, others follow. Through the Force, I manipulate people into doing my bidding without them being aware of it.”

 

“What? You mean that Visas... she’s your slave?” He said, repulsed.

 

Alayna shook her head erratically. “It’s not like that. I can’t control it. If I could, I would do anything to stop it... I can’t.” She looked into his eyes. “I just can’t!”

 

He brushed his hair back, which was drenched by rain and thought for a moment. “Is that why you’re doing this?”

 

She took a few deep breaths before giving him an answer, but not to the question he posed. “The only other solution is to sever my tie to the Force.” She shook her head as more tears came. “I can’t go through that again.”

 

Genda didn’t know that much about the Force, but Alayna had warned him about becoming dependent on it earlier that day. What she had been going through might have been exactly the reason why she didn’t want to train him. “Look, I don’t know what you’re going through, but whatever it is, you don’t deserve to die.”

 

She shook her head. “I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was doing it to protect you, and everyone around me.”

 

“Did you just come to this conclusion? How do you know that to be true?”

 

“About five years ago, I was told by the last survivors of the High Council that I was a wound in the Force... that’s a bad thing. They said that I was a threat to everyone around me and they tried to sever my tie by force.” She sighed, stood up to move towards the doorway, and folded her arms as she watched the rain, despite almost being pitch dark outside.

 

Genda went to stand beside her. “What happened after that?”

 

“Someone intervened in order to save me. I thought they were wrong and I never doubted myself, but I just learned that my friends weren’t dead.” She looked to Genda and remained silent for a long moment. “I traveled with a group of friends who formed a strong team when they worked together, but when I left, they fell apart.”

 

Genda looked at her with a degree of confusion. “Why did you leave them? I know that you were looking for someone, but why did you leave and never return? Visas told me that you didn’t even keep in contact with them.”

 

Alayna gently shook her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

 

Genda believed what she said, but still wanted her to share it. “You don’t sound too sure of it yourself.”

 

Alayna stared at him for a long moment before letting herself sag against the edge of the doorway. “No, I suppose I really don’t. Sometimes, Jedi can see glimpses of the future. When confronted with such precognitive visions, we tend to let them dictate our future instead of using our own good judgment.”

 

He gently put his arm around his mother and helped lower her to the floor, him sitting beside. “What was supposed to happen?”

 

She exhaled deeply. “I really have no idea where to go at this point. When the High Council told me about what I did to others, I dismissed it out of hand. Visas had told me why my friends followed me and I believed her, but now...”

 

Genda stared at Alayna for a long moment as it was the first time he ever saw her in utter bedlam. She always seemed to display modesty and humility, but otherwise always seemed to know what to do and never seemed to doubt herself. To see her in ruin like she was in the holo recording was difficult for him to witness. “Why don’t we go back? I don’t know anything about the Force, but I know there must be another way. You’re in despair. Whatever you’re going through, you must think that death would allow you to escape all that... it won’t.”

 

Alayna looked at Genda, tears streaming down her cheeks.

 

“There was a time on Sleheyron that I felt I couldn’t live knowing that it was only a matter of time before I was killed in the arena. When Tashi told me that she was pregnant... it was one of the worst moments of my life. I could not escape because I knew my death wouldn’t help Tashi or the child. It was like I was trapped and had no escape but to stay alive.”

 

She looked back to him with tears over his experience. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“No, there’s a point to this. For five years, I’ve lived each day thinking I was going to die the next time. That in itself was bad enough when I had to worry about my own survival, but when Tashi told me; I started worrying more for her than for myself.”

 

Alayna smiled. “That’s sweet of you.”

 

He shrugged his shoulders. “She’s a special woman.”

 

“You know... I really don’t know all that much about you two. If it’s a private matter, I won’t ask again...”

 

“What would you like to know?” He asked.

 

“How did you come to be her master?”

 

“My own master, Faso, allowed me to have a personal servant. I liked Tashi, but she was one of the more expensive slaves, but since I made Faso so much money for him, he just did it to keep me happy.”

 

“How long ago was that?”

 

He sighed and leaned his head back to think. “About a year... two maybe.”

 

Nervously, she asked “When were you two... intimate?”

 

He had an odd smile on his face. “That first night.”

 

Alayna looked away, a bit uncomfortably. “Oh... I didn’t know it was like that.”

 

He hesitated. “Well Faso gave her to do with as I pleased and she didn’t seem to have a problem with it. I didn’t believe I was cruel or anything, nor that it wasn’t of her consent... That went on for about a month; eventually she got pregnant.” He sighed. “She terminated it early.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

He shook his head. “She went behind my back to do it and I realized that it was because... she didn’t want a child, not with me. I originally had some false sense that we had something, but realized that she was only doing her duty and nothing more. After that, I had a word with Tashi to make it clear that I didn’t want her to do anything against her will. Of course, she said she understood that I was the master and that her feelings were irrelevant.”

 

Alayna looked down, saddened of the reminder that slaves were trained to believe they weren’t people. “What did you tell her?”

 

“I just stopped giving her orders. She assumed it was only a jest, but eventually she told me which of her ‘duties’ she disliked intensly. Tashi made it clear that I could ask anything from her, but at least she let me know her true feelings about certain things before carrying them out.”

 

“Are you just talking about intimacy, or were there other issues?”

 

He chuckled. ”There was one big thing. Faso paid a premium for Tashi, but he didn’t even bother to provide any decent clothes for her. She had a gold bikini when she was bought, but it was solely for asthetics and not comfort. After that, I saw to it that she was provided with other garmets and I gave her free will to dress as she wanted. I also told her that she had the right to complain if I gave her an order she didn’t approve of.”

 

“But did you continue treating her as a servant? You can treat someone very, but they would still be...”

 

“She had nothing else to do, but it changed our relationship as she became more of a confidante after that. In a way, Tashi’s advanced age allowed her to have an edge over me, as I often trusted her wisdom more than my own.” He folded his arms over his chest and closed his eyes to think back to that horrible time in his life. "She kept me going when all I wanted to do was end it all. She had become more to me than just a servant. I am alive only because of her and that's why I can't leave her. If that's what it takes to become a Jedi, then I would choose to remain with her."

 

Alayna smiled and held him close to her. “You have done very well for yourself in my absence. Once you’re established yourselves, it may be best that I still not be a part of your life.”

 

“Why? Are you just going to kill yourself then?”

 

Alayna blinked back her tears as it reminded her of the reason she intnded to take her life. “No. I think I’ll be alright. I guess that I was hit hard by recent events, but I think I'm over the worst of it." She looked outside and sighed deeply. "We should wait until morning before we head back."

 

Genda shrugged his shoulders. "Well... that at least gives us some more time to talk things over."