Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 Here the script for scene one:D [opening music] [wind] [clop clop clop] KING ARTHUR: Whoa there! [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there? ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England! SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one! ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse? ARTHUR: Yes! SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts! ARTHUR: What? SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through-- SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts? ARTHUR: We found them. SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! ARTHUR: What do you mean? SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land? SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried. SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here? SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? ARTHUR: Please! SOLDIER #1: Am I right? ARTHUR: I'm not interested! SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! SOLDIER #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory. SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah. SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway. [clop clop clop] SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? SOLDIER #2: Well, why not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dr_death Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 i can not be bothered reading that but it is a funny film!!! i like it when arthur fights that invinsible guy!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Author Share Posted October 26, 2001 the witch scene CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her? CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her! BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch? VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah! BEDEVERE: Bring her forward. WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. BEDEVERE: Uh, but you are dressed as one. WITCH: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't... WITCH: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one. BEDEVERE: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE: The nose? VILLAGER #1: And the hat, but she is a witch! VILLAGER #2: Yeah! CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah! BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this? VILLAGER #1: No! VILLAGER #2 and 3: No. No. VILLAGER #2: No. VILLAGER #1: No. VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No. VILLAGER #1: Yes. VILLAGER #2: Yes. VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit. VILLAGER #3: A bit. VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit. VILLAGER #3: A bit. VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. RANDOM: [cough] BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch? VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE: A newt? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! VILLAGER #1: Burn! CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!... BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. VILLAGER #1: Are there? VILLAGER #2: Ah? VILLAGER #1: What are they? CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!... BEDEVERE: Tell me. What do you do with witches? VILLAGER #2: Burn! VILLAGER #1: Burn! CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!... BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches? VILLAGER #1: More witches! VILLAGER #3: Shh! VILLAGER #2: Wood! BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn? [pause] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood? BEDEVERE: Good! Heh heh. CROWD: Oh, yeah. Oh. BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. BEDEVERE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah. RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1: No. No. VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond! BEDEVERE: What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small rocks! VILLAGER #1: Cider! VILLAGER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy! VILLAGER #1: Cherries! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Uh, churches! Churches! VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead! ARTHUR: A duck! CROWD: Oooh. BEDEVERE: Exactly. So, logically... VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood. BEDEVERE: And therefore? VILLAGER #2: A witch! VILLAGER #1: A witch! CROWD: A witch! A witch!... VILLAGER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck. [quack quack quack] BEDEVERE: Very good. We shall use my largest scales. CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh... BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports! [whop] [clunk] [creak] CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! WITCH: It's a fair cop. VILLAGER #3: Burn her! CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!... BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEVERE: My liege! ARTHUR: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table? BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored. ARTHUR: What is your name? BEDEVERE: 'Bedevere', my liege. ARTHUR: Then I dub you 'Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Author Share Posted October 26, 2001 HEAD KNIGHT OF NI: Ni! KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ARTHUR: Who are you? HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'! RANDOM: Ni! ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'! HEAD KNIGHT: The same! BEDEVERE: Who are they? HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'! RANDOM: Neee-wom! ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale. HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice. ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. HEAD KNIGHT: Ni! KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!... ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh! HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us. ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: A what? KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! ARTHUR and PARTY: Ow! Oh! ARTHUR: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive. ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice. ARTHUR: Of course. HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive. ARTHUR: Yes. HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Author Share Posted October 26, 2001 Old crone! [rewr!] [music stops] Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery? [dramatic chord] OLD CRONE: Who sent you? ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'. CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'ni'. CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni! CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! ARTHUR: Ni! CRONE: [cough] BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No, no, no, no, i-- BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No, it's not that. It's 'ni'. BEDEVERE: Nu! ARTHUR: No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No. BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: That's it. That's it. You've got it. ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni! CRONE: Ohh! BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: Ni! CRONE: Agh! BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: Ni! BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: Ni! BEDEVERE: Ni! ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman? ARTHUR: Erm,... yes. ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'? ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. BEDEVERE: Ni! ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Author Share Posted October 26, 2001 ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem. ARTHUR: What is that? HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'. KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh! HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv'. RANDOM: Ni! HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'? HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! [dramatic chord] ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! RANDOM: Ni! HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!... HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! [dramatic chord] KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring! ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word. ARTHUR: What word? HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear. ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again! ARTHUR: What, 'is'? KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'. HEAD KNIGHT: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'. KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'. BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin! MINSTREL: [singing] He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge. ARTHUR: Sir Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you. HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word! ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up-- ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it. HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again! KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! ROBIN: I was looking for it. KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! ROBIN: Uh, here-- here in this forest. ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place. KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word... ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! HEAD KNIGHT: ...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again! ARTHUR: Patsy! HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it! [clop clop clop] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh! KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Rommel Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 Where did you get all this? Did you *gasp* type it ALL? P.S. Very funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Author Share Posted October 26, 2001 Oh, somewere. And no I did not type it:D one more: [gurgle] GALAHAD: There it is! ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death! ROBIN: Oh, great. ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four! BEDEVERE: What is he doing here? ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety. ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ROBIN: Oh, I won't go. GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR: Sir Robin! ROBIN: Yes? ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go. ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go? LAUNCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-- ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray. LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege. ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you. BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name? LAUNCELOT: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour? LAUNCELOT: Blue. BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go. LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. ROBIN: That's easy! BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name? ROBIN: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What... is your name? GALAHAD: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? GALAHAD: I seek the Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour? GALAHAD: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? ARTHUR: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh! BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows? ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. [suspenseful music] [music suddenly stops] [intermission] [suspenseful music resumes] :)there we go. I hope you like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Luke Skywalker Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 OMG those movies are so bad. If they made them today they would me censored beyond belief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Rommel Posted October 26, 2001 Share Posted October 26, 2001 I must agree... Hunter, is that by any chance your favourite movie? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 26, 2001 Author Share Posted October 26, 2001 Ummm..not really. I just think its funny. RoTJ is my favorite movie. (i like the JP series a lot too) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DarkTrooper Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 OMG those movies are so bad. If they made them today they would me censored beyond belief.why would they censore these movies they are the best. i mean my friends sister watches them and she is 8. i mean c'mon these movies are so funny i have seen MP:HG about 20 times and still laugh at it like the Nights who say NI!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Admiral Odin Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 that is a great movies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darthfergie Posted October 27, 2001 Share Posted October 27, 2001 Yeah it is great...but some of the others are well...a bit strange... You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest...with...a herring! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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