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Guest podguy the gamer

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Guest Jawamaster

"Well Wayne and the cat seem to be allright. . . thank goodness for the heimlech meneuver!"

 

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Jawamaster

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Guest podguy the gamer

dude, i mean like nothin sexual or somethin stupid like that. Like:

How many knees do you have? How do you get an elephant out of a tree? Got it?

 

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podguy

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Guest podguy the gamer

This is a song from Whose Line frown.gifsung by Ryan)

Today Las Vegas just went broke,

All because of one tiny bloke,

They never thought that they would see this day,

But that's what happens when Drew Carrey eats buffet!

 

Like it?

 

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podguy

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Guest Jawamaster

Here is another song sung by Ryan

 

Oh I am so ugly,

I'll never have a lover!

When ever I come out,

The dogs all run for cover!

I'm really really ugly,

I'm short, fat, and hairy!

Oh yes, now you've guessed it,

My name is Drew Carey!

 

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Jawamaster

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Guest podguy the gamer

what do you get when you cross Fed-Ex and UPS? Fed-Up! Ha ha aha ha ah hooh oohahaha heeeee heee ha! HOw do you make time fly? throw a clock out the window! ahoo ha ha ah heee ha ahahahahah!

 

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podguy

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Guest podguy the gamer

I got some yo mama jokes:

1) Yo mam's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

2) Yo mama's so cross-eyed she threw a rock at the ground and missed!

3) Yo mama's so old, she farts dust!

Like em? Again, go to cool-jokes.com

 

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podguy

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Gamer13

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying

near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators

gathers around. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!"

the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - "A PREACHER,

PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

 

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of

at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the

man, "I'm not a preacher. I don't even really go to church.

But for fifty years now I'm living behind the church on

First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the sermons.

Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

 

The policeman agreed and brought the man over to where the

dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and

says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

 

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Guest Gamer13

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer,

chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving

down the street in the same car when it broke down.

 

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

 

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the

end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

 

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark

and something's wrong with the electrical system."

 

All three turned to the computer engineer and said,

"What do you think?"

 

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out

and then get back in."

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Guest Boba Rhett

First rule Redwing, always be nice to the new guys!! Hi gamer!! I liked the jokes. smile.gif

 

Here are some funny sigs.

 

 

- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

 

 

- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

 

- Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

 

- If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

 

A simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way

A sin is two sins when it is defended

 

All extremists should be taken out and shot

 

All that glitters has a high refractive index

 

All things are possible. Except skiing through a revolving door

 

Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush

 

Bald spot? No - solar panel for brain power

 

 

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some abuse the privilege

 

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner

 

Everything is just chemistry!

 

Evolution: God's way of upgrading the hardware

 

Excuse me, but isn't assassinating your professor technically cheating?

 

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again

 

Experience is directly proportional to ruined equipment

 

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

 

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted

 

Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species

 

Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps

 

Fact. Stranger than any science fiction

 

Facts are stubborn things

 

Faint hearts never win in love nor sell life insurance

 

Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment

 

Famous last words: This is the safe way to do it...

 

Fear is no great respecter of reason

 

First Rule of Holes: if you're in one, STOP DIGGING!

 

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe

 

FOR SALE: Iraqi rifles. Never fired, dropped once

 

For Sale: One parachute. Used once. Never opened. Small stain

 

Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it

 

Forget everything you just heard, and go back to sleep

 

Forget patience! I'm gonna kill something...

 

Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate

 

From the committee to use professional politicians as lab animals!

 

Funny, it worked when I had it plugged in

 

Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out

 

God is absolute. You are conditional

 

God must love the common man; He made so many of them

 

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer

 

Guns don't kill. Fast-moving projectiles do

 

Happiness is a warm modem

 

Have a nice day unless you have other plans

 

Have you clubbed an ignorant human today?

 

He who laughs last probably made a backup

 

He's dead, Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me

 

Health is simply the slowest way to die

 

Hell of a way to travel, having a man's molecules spread across space

 

Help stamp out vandalism, or I'll break all your windows

 

Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!

 

History has shown us that strength may be useless when faced with terrorism

 

Hold on boys, you can't all die at once

 

Honest ociffer, there's no blood in my alcohol content!

 

Honor would best be served if you were to become my mate

 

How can I fail when I have no purpose?

 

How can I miss you if you don't go away?

 

How could man have evolved from a species as organized as the apes?

 

How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?

 

How do you get cat hair out of a hard drive?

 

How do you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

 

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise_my_hands...

 

Human beings were created by water, to carry it uphill

 

I am always exact and precise (more or less)

 

I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally

 

I am sweet and lovable at all times

 

I can do anything, given the satisfaction that it's annoying someone

 

I can resist everything except temptation

 

I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse

 

I could be chasing an untamed ornithoid without cause

 

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you

 

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

 

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove it!

 

I DO NOT repeat gossip, so I'm gonna say this once

 

I do not think you will accept my help, as I'm waiting to kill you

 

I drank from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled

 

I fight evil wherever it may be! Except in dark, scary places...

 

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it

 

I have a photographic memory but I'm out of film

 

I just want to be a lover not a red eyed screaming ghoul

 

I know the speed of light - what's the speed of dark?

 

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048 meter pole

 

Caffeine - the ultimate debugging tool

************************************************

 

Could anybody tell me why?

 

Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius

 

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer

 

Creativity: Not referenceing your sources

 

Crime is merely politics without the excuses

 

Damn the documentation, full speed ahead!

 

Dangerous Exercise: Jumping to Conclusions

 

Devoted to the study of cat bathing as a martial art

 

Don't be so humble...you aren't that great

 

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon

 

Don't meddle in the affairs of Wizards...

 

Due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled

 

Dumb questions are better than smart mistakes

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jets

 

Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god

 

Ever lob a live grenade into a basket of kittens?

 

Everybody's death simplifies life for someone

 

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some abuse the privilege

 

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner

 

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again

 

Experience is directly proportional to ruined equipment

 

Fact. Stranger than any science fiction

 

Facts are stubborn things

 

Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment

 

First Rule of Holes: if you're in one, STOP DIGGING!

 

FOR SALE: Iraqi rifles. Never fired, dropped once

 

For Sale: One parachute. Used once. Never opened. Small stain

 

Forget patience! I'm gonna kill something...

 

Guns don't kill. Fast-moving projectiles do

 

Happiness is a warm modem

 

Have a nice day unless you have other plans

 

Have you clubbed an ignorant human today?

 

He who laughs last probably made a backup

 

He's dead, Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me

 

Help stamp out vandalism, or I'll break all your windows

 

Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!

 

Hold on boys, you can't all die at once

 

Honest ociffer, there's no blood in my alcohol content!

 

 

How can I miss you if you don't go away?

 

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise_my_hands...

 

I am always exact and precise (more or less)

 

I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally

 

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you

 

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

 

I DO NOT repeat gossip, so I'm gonna say this once

 

I drank from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled

 

I fight evil wherever it may be! Except in dark, scary places...

 

I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it

 

I have a photographic memory but I'm out of film

 

I just want to be a lover not a red eyed screaming ghoul

 

I know the speed of light - what's the speed of dark?

 

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one

 

I often daydream about my inability to fantasize

 

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person

 

I still miss my wife - but my aim is improving!

 

I swear, the cat was like that when I found it

 

I think ... therefore I am overqualified

 

I think I shall now be sick

 

I tried to drown my problems but they can swim!

 

I tried to get a life, but they were out of stock

 

I used to be disgusted; now I'm just amused

 

I wouldn't need another haircut if you'd done the job right the first time

 

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048 meter pole

 

I'm a modemer & I'm OK, I post all nite & I sleep all day

 

I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar

 

I'm not arrogant, I'm just better than you

 

I'm not worthless! I can always serve as a bad example!

 

I'm omniscient, omnipotent, and omnivorous

 

I'm so environmental, I buy paper to recycle it

 

I'm sorry, but if you want to argue, you'll have to pay the fee

 

If at first you don't succeed, call it v1.0!

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

 

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

 

If at first you don't succeed, try the reset button

 

If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft

 

If at first you succeed, hide your astonishment

 

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

 

If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you

 

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

 

If it screams, it's not food yet

 

If it walks out of the refrigerator, let it go!

 

If it works, rip it apart and find out why!

 

If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong

 

If it's Tourist Season, why can't we shoot them?

 

If the enemy is in range, so are you

 

If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it

 

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead?

 

If you can't tell fact from opinion, you belong in government

 

If you cannot convince them, confuse them

 

If you don't care where you are, then you can't get lost

 

If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!

 

If you meet someone without a smile, give them yours. :^)

 

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it

 

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday

 

Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards

 

 

 

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I calculated the odds that this would work versus the odds that I was doing something incredibly stupid...and I went ahead anyway.

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Guest Redwing

I'm rolleyes.gif at the dumb jokes, not the new guy. Wazzup Gamer13?

 

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At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.

At last we will have revenge.

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Guest Redwing

Oh, great.

 

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At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.

At last we will have revenge.

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