Gather ye round, kiddies...

[GendoTheGreat]

... and let Uncie Gendo share some newly discovered wisdom with you. Did you know that crumbed processed fish portions and beer do not make for a good breakfast combination? Hard to believe isn't it? Go figure.

 

Now, I'm sorry if I mislead you, but that piece of worldy advice is not the reason for this post. The reason is this:

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1061695

 

This is a short piece of fiction written by me, based on the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. If you don't know what Evangelion is you probably won't understand the story, but that's ok. I put up this link to give an example of my [lack of?] creative writing talent. Just make sure you read the authors notes first, they help explain why the piece may seem to suck so severely. So if you feel like reading it, please do so and tell me what you think. I'm planning on doing some GF fiction and there's no point in doing that if I suck at it, is there?

[Darth Eggplant]

first off lose

the long author's intro,

it makes you sound weak

and uncertain of yourself.

if you are not 'with'

what you wrote why should I,

the reader, want to

'go with you'

as you take me along a journey

of the mind. let people decide

for themselves whether they

like it or not,

don't place pre ordained idea's

into their heads first.

 

next...

 

dream sequence,

not being familiar with anime

or this character or series

did not know what a Yui! was,

could have been a japanese curse

word for all I know, also not being

a follower of Gendo, the section

I feel might have had more

description rather than a quick

voice over effect.

what were they even vaguely doing

I have no clue? neither will other

virgin anime readers.

(oh yes dream sequence

like flashbacks; place in different

type font and italic and bold

to really differentiate it from

main body of the story.)

 

next...

 

too many smaller paragraphs

must be consolidated. just like

watching tv you need to have huge

block of plot completely catching

you up in the thing so you become

totally a spectator to the event.

each break is like a commercial

block reminding you, hey I should

be somewhere else, or doing

something else. or like at the

movies having someone completely

ruin it by getting up and doing

the aisle wave interuption thing.

paragraghs should hold general

themes or progressions in

topic, style writing until

an appropriate station

identification break occurs.

(as such here is how I feel you

should re-format your story,

after all it is a story

and not HAIKU peotry.

 

first par:

Gendo shot up...

(all the way to end of)

...her again.

 

dramatic pause and

seperate small paragraph sentence for

 

"But what if that day..."

 

very good. leave as is.

 

second par:

what....(end)...and at work that day.

 

third par: changing plot and topic

Ikari stared at his sweat drenched bed...

(until)

...for her he would win the day.

 

fourth par:

his demons....suddenly it came to him:

*try using colon rather than period

denotes break but also implies add on

and flashback is an add on.*

 

**flahsback**

just like in dream sequence use italic,

bold, different colour, or type face

to set it apart from main body of story.

 

Yui...(for non gendre person ie me this helps explain opening dream bit a lot.)

 

continuation of fourth par:

(but space between end of flash back

and change over back to original text

 

The neck of the bottle...

(end)

...volunteered for experiment.

 

fifth par:

Gendo squeezed eyes shut...

(end)...taken his as well.

 

sixth par:

He snarled through clenched teeth...

(end)

...into the sink.

 

seventh par:

Ten minutes later...

(end)

...the phone went dead.

 

eighth par:

Locking the keypad...

(end)

...he always won.

 

ninth par: climax of chapter one

(dramatic angst passage)

No sooner...

(end)

...as his body cooled.

 

tenth and final par: to be continued

(for chapter two segway)

There was no way...

...broken window.

 

I could find little or no

spelling or gramatical errors,

but there are professional people

who do that sort of thing.

I am not the best judge for that.

I am not a big anime person

and only know one Gendo ie you

but I found myself following

the story and willing to

read future installments.

however as stated lose the

uncertain, modesty, naif author's

intro and keep the audience chained

to the page and paragraph for as long

as possible without giving them chance

to get away.

[JofaGuht]

I have my own few stories on fanfiction.net

my name there is KingJofa. The one I have on there is really crappy, but I'm gonna redo that one. I have to admit I have never seen or read any Neon Genesis Evangelion, but i'll try reading yours anyway