2003 Darwin Awards

[Darth Eggplant]

Subject: Darwin Awards 2003

 

 

 

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this

year's Darwin Awards, here they are. The awards this

year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are

given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) those

individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,

have done the most to remove undesirable elements from

the human gene pool.

Just think... until these events, these same people

were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when

he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area

while riding down the slope on a foam pad.

The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at

Central Mammoth Hospital.

The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County

Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends

apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley

and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift

towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes

Police Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit

towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide

down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It

has since been investigated and determined the tower

he hit was the one with its pads removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being

disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk

threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot

dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without

paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the

store.

Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat

where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a

stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was

killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:

"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia

party (probably related to the winner last year, a

man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the

fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into

his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that

blew off his lips, teeth and tongue. Jerry Stromyer,

24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during

the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery

and was trying to explode it - it wouldn't go off and

this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."

Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition

Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to

a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.

"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like

that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon

man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is

lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the

hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend

during an initiation into men's rafting club, Mountain

Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain

Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried

to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow

entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the

arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood

vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died

instantly.

Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University

Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to

10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear

of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major

blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts

tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would

have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends

had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I

feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed,

but the Josephine County district attorney's office

said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late)

Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided

to attend a local Metallica concert at the George

Washington amphitheatre.

Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between

them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the

nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled

their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was

for Mr. Pernicky, (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr.

Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend

over.

Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a

30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having

heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through

a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,

along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him

by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken

arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.

Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he

removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his

shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free,

Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp

leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the

protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated

his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his

pocketknife penetrated his thigh.

Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and

agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to

safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and

slowly driving away. However, in his drunken

haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed

through the fence landing on his friend and killing

him.

Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its

driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the

scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the

truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches

on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in

his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch

25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

[Branik]

The world, apparently, is STILL full of morons and idiots.

[pleto4_ryan]