Jedi Master Alo Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 This is my first every FIC so go easy on me suggestion will be apreciated. Chapter I - The vision – Jedi master Barra Vulker stood over his workbench as he tinkered with the pieces of metal in front of him he fitted a lens into the nearly complete cylinder and made sure everything else was in place. “I think I have finally made it.” He shouted out. “ Apprentice come quickly!! “ A young boy came running down into the small room that Burra called his bedroom and sighed. “Master you keep trying to make this thing but every time you fail.” The young apprentice sighed. Burra looked at the hilt and pressed the button he had fitted, at that moment a blue blade ignited from the hilt and he knew it had worked. “ This will be the tool of the Jedi in the centuries to come!” He span the blade around a bit and got you to the lightness and the realised how much it was like the long swords Sith and Jedi had been using all these years. He pressed the button once again and smiled. “Master will I be able to make one.” The young apprentice suddenly said he was a tall lad with short black hair and scruffy grey robes. Burra turned and folded up the blue prints and put them in another metal cylinder the smiled then stopped dead in the centre of the room. “ Apprentice do you feel that” “ A disturbance in the….” Suddenly a explosion came from above and Burra ran up the stairs and into what once was his living room. “ I have come for the blue prints” The dark figure now standing in the middle of the room said. Darth Apocalypse was a beast of a man he was 7ft tall and wore a type of black fire armour wielding a Double blade Dark Jedi Master Blade he advanced on Burra who ignited the light sabre and went into combat against the Sith Lord. Burra Swung the blade at Apocalypse who defended it easily they paused and Burra attacked again this time doing a combination of stabs and slashes. “ What a shame that such a powerful weapon is going to such a waste” Apocalypse sighed as he dodge another stab the grabbed Burra by the throat gripping tight enough to break ones neck Burra made gurgling noises as he chocked and Apocalypse finally broke his neck and crushed his throat as Burra’s body loss its life Apocalypse turned. “ Tear the place down find the blue prints and we will burn this place to the ground!!!!!” He shouted to his troops he left the building and walked up the small near the house. Once he reached the top he saw a entrance to a cave he stared and could feel the force pulsing out of it like it had its own heart and the force was its blood. “ I will avenge my master!” A voice cried from behind Apocalypse as the lighsaber flew of his belt and into the hands of the young apprentice. The lightsaber ignited and the apprentice foolishly tried to use it being killed with is by a kick to the back of his neck. “ Sir we have found the house and we are now burning the house” A commander said as Apocalypse turned. And picked up the lightsaber he gave a evil smile to the commander. “Your time serving me is over commander” Apocalypse shouted has he used the force to choke the soldier who quickly fell to the ground. I woke up sweat dripping down my body a dream… just a dream just like all the others or maybe a vision I Alo have lived among the grey Jedi for several centuries using my lightsaber as both weapon and tool to destroy the sith and find my brother. Apocalypse had somehow found a way to live for over 10,000 years and little did I know I was one of the 5 Jedi destined to fight and kill him for the centuries to come I pushed away my blanket and got up looking around our small camp on the planet of Kashyyyk I walked over to the small fire and sat listening to the sounds of the forest. We were sent here to find some tomb buried down he containing the corpse of a wookiee Jedi who was around 200,000,000 years ago I sat there for many hours waiting for the slightest movement to be seen but nothing happened I got back into bed and lied there and gently drifted off into a restless sleep of dream of Kashyyyk on fire and a tomb with many Dark Jedi inside it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 This is an intriguing start. I'm just having a little bit of trouble reading it, however. Add line breaks between paragraphs and dialog. When reading the white text on the grey background here, it's harder to track to the next line and it's really easy to skip a line on accident (I made the same mistake with leaving out line breaks when I started, so don't feel bad!). I also had a little trouble figuring out where you wanted to end one sentence and start the next, and so you may want to double check to make sure you have all the periods and commas in the correct spots. Darth Apocalypse is certainly evil enough for a nasty Sith Lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anakin34 Posted May 30, 2006 Share Posted May 30, 2006 This is an intriguing start. I'm just having a little bit of trouble reading it, however. Add line breaks between paragraphs and dialog. When reading the white text on the grey background here, it's harder to track to the next line and it's really easy to skip a line on accident (I made the same mistake with leaving out line breaks when I started, so don't feel bad!). I also had a little trouble figuring out where you wanted to end one sentence and start the next, and so you may want to double check to make sure you have all the periods and commas in the correct spots. Darth Apocalypse is certainly evil enough for a nasty Sith Lord. i think you shoud find a way to make the master or the aprentice come back to life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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