Diego Varen Posted June 10, 2006 Share Posted June 10, 2006 Good, though there are several mistakes. Capitals not needed in some places, bace is spelt base and you're missing speech marks, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 Good, though there are several mistakes. Capitals not needed in some places, bace is spelt base and you're missing speech marks, etc. just added some btw chap 6 mabe 2morrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 Chapter 6 The Battle of Hoth Niln had won the battle of Kashyyyk and planned to attack Hoth. The Rebellion had moved there to train more jedi and troops there amount of jedi had gone up to 23, but the sith had over 500. They would take it over for themselves. Strandar and Vindar were planning to attack with the sith on the troops while Nilin and the army attacked the jedi. Then train there sith then attack the rest of the rebellion. They attacked. The rebels knew about the attack! There was no one at the base. ‘’Attack said a voice.’’ They were on the mountain pounding the troops with fire. ‘’All sith retreat’’the troop were dead this time they had lost’’. ‘’ Send in the reinforcements and ships’’. It did not matter if they lost as long no sith died the DS4 was on its way…the sith were now on a SD called CHILLER. The troops had set holos of troops dying, firing, ect trick the rebellion and it worked. Meanwhile the real troops left. The DS4 reached Hoth. “Fire” said Nilin and Hoth was destroyed. ‘’Attack Mustafar the rebels are going there said Nilin’’ ‘’Sir, the jedi were not on Hoth they left.’’ Stay tuned for chapter 6 part 2 Its called death of Vindar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Good Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 Thanks pottsie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 Nice job, connor. I'm finding it a bit easier to understand. I think that you're improving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 thanks niner chap 6 p2 2morrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Chapter 6 part 2 Death of Vindar The rebellion had moved to Mustafar to try to escape the sith… Jaden snuck aboard the Chiller to find Kyle and turn him back to the light. ‘’Kyle good to see you’’. ‘’Ah, Jaden you found me’’. Kyle turned and ignited his saber ‘’How about a fight’’. “Kyle turn back to the light” said Jaden. “Maybe, if you beat me” replied Kyle. There sabers crashed together making a strong saber lock. Jaden broke it by pushing Kyle into a wall. Kyle flipped up and cut off part of Jaden’s double saber making it only 1 blade then he kicked Jaden into a wall, but Jaden jumped and destroyed Kyle’s saber. “I win Kyle said Jaden” “Fine, I’ll turn back grabbing his blue saber and killing his guards.” “Let’s go he said”. They landed on Mustafar only to find it was under attack. “Hello, Kyle said a voice”. “Hello, Nilin he replied activating his saber”. They fought for hours till Nilin flipped up, landed behind Kyle and stabbed him killing him instantly. Then Nilin relised they had lost so he gathered the remaining and left. Epilogue: The sith had lost the battle forcing them and there army into hiding. Kyle’s funeral was held on Yavin 4 making Jaden the truly new leader of the jedi. The solo family was saved from the DS4 before it blew up. The End Stay Tuned for its sequel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 A Sequel already! God, I thought this would be the only one. Anyway good Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 well,i probaley going to wait a while Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Nice fic. Good luck with your sequel. Keep writing. You'll get the hang of it and become a better writer through practice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Thanks Niner the sequel name is in my sig but it might change,any news on ATR P.S please tell me what you think of the name Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 I've worked on the next chapter a bit. I thought it would come out today, but I'm thinking it won't be out until tomorrow, possibly Wednesday. This will give me time to finish the chapter, proofread it, and let more people comment about previous chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Where is all this editing you promised us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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