HK-42 Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 2 years after TSO... STAR WARS The Jedi Order Jaden Korr,leader of the jedi has incresed the jedi amount to the number to the amount there was when Luke was the leader.Darth Nilin's student Darth Strander,was killed when he had attacked the jedi,Nilin had not been heard from since.Mordale now was a jedi master and Luke Knight............ Chap 1 coming soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Share Posted June 12, 2006 Bios Name: Darth Nilin Age:33 Apprentice:None Weapon:Red saber Aligned:Sith/Jedi Home planet:Vavin 4 Name:Connor Age:20 Master:Luke Korr Weapon:Blue saber Aligned:Jedi Home planet:Skylerc Chap 1 later FEEDBACK please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Ok Chapter 1 Connor’s message, It was a good day, Connor thought. Then he saw his parents holding a Holopad. “This is for you son said his dad giving it to him”. “Thanks dad he replied activating it”. A face appeared. “You have been chosen to enrollee a spot in the Jedi temple said Jaden. Please respond in 4 hours”. Connor was on his way to Yavin 4, to become a jedi. Then someone asked him “who are you”? “I’m Connor, you are he replied”. “Chris Penin, son of Rosh he replied”. “We our landing on Yavin said the pilot”. “Great said Chris”. “Since there our still few of us we will sign multiple students to 1 master continued Jaden. Connor you will be assigned to Luke Korr, Chris you will be assigned to your father”. “Okay, Connor lets start your training said Luke”. Same training as Jaden in JA… “Good job, your improving said Luke”. “Thanks said Luke”. Stay tuned for Chap 2 The first misson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 A lot better. Written better, but still needs improving slightly. I think Niner was right when he said you would improve in this Fanfic. Good Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Thanks, Pottsie have any ideas for your a fic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 the idea is good, but please pay a little more attention to the grammar and the punctuation , in the story that is. normal posts dont bother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Thanks, Pottsie have any ideas for your a fic It's a new Fic. Anyway, I have an idea. Either have an ancestor of either Kyle Katarn or Jaden Korr or just have a completely new person. I think I'll do a completely new person. It will either be set after TSL or two thousand years after TSL. When's Chapter 2 coming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_exile Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 i liked it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 Chapter one was good. You're definitly improving. Still, some of the quotations could be fixed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 It's new Fic. Anyway, I have an idea. Either have an ancestor of either Kyle Katarn or Jaden Korr or just have a completely new person. I think I'll do a completely new person. It will either be set after TSL or two thousand years after TSL. When's Chapter 2 coming? working on now,btw RC 1162 did you read TSO this is a sequel to it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Chapter 2 The first mission, “Okay ready for your first mission Connor” Luke asked. “Yes sir” said Connor. “Okay some mercenaries found a planet and they want us to check it out since there scout never came back” said Luke. “Lets go” Connor replied. “Here’s the planet” said Luke. “Good replied Connor let’s get down there”. They landed. “Sir, a shuttle has landed” said the commander. “Good, must be the other mer. send stormtroopers to… dispose of them” the Sith replied. “Master, stormtroopers are approaching” said Connor. “I see them” he replied. They shot. Then the jedi activated there sabers, blocking the shots. Connor flipped up, landed behind the stormtroopers and cut off there heads. “Good move Connor” said Luke. “Thanks master” Connor replied. “Sir the stormtroopers have disappeared off the radar” said an officer. “Send a sith then” said the commander. The sith moved through the trees, planning his attack. Then the master, moved and he was off guard off a second. The sith jumped, pulling the master toward him. But the jedi slammed his elbow into the sith’s side. This brought the saber down cutting the jedi’s hand off, then the apprentice jumped up and stabbed the sith killing him. “Thanks, Connor” Luke said after they attached a mech. arm on. “No problem master said Connor the he grinned I only saved your life”. “My lord, the sith is dead” said the commander. Then the sith stabbed the commander saying “You have failed me for the last time commander”. Stay tuned for chap 3 The new war The sith is Nilin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_exile Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 it was good, the only problem is that you dont put any feeling into your story, it sounds like your reading a history book or something, if you want seom examples of feeling check out mine or pottsies fanfics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 it was good, the only problem is that you dont put any feeling into your story, it sounds like your reading a history book or something, if you want seom examples of feeling check out mine or pottsies fanfics I have to agree with jedi_exile here. Anyway it was good, but if you want to read better examples of Fics, check out The Plight of Darkness, Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn, The Adventures of Jolee Bindo, The Crystal of Life and Hidden Shades of Grey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 14, 2006 Author Share Posted June 14, 2006 im reading tcol already im on page 3 ind i've read MWJMR it was the second fanfic i ever read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Good chapter. Some ideas that I've come up with to improve your writing could be giving more detail of the surroundings and the characters' appearences. Also, like jedi_exile said, put more feeling into it. Make people be able to relate to the characters possibly. Give them realistic feelings. Those are just some things that I thought of while reading it. Nice work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 thanks i hope chap 3 is today a new treat is born Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 15, 2006 Author Share Posted June 15, 2006 Chapter 3 The New Weapon “The droid is complete, my lord” said new the commander. “Good” replied the sith. “Master Luke, we must move out” said Connor. “No, tell the merch. that the planet is not safe and to never return, replied Luke. Then were leaving, lets go”. They were now flying back to Yavin 4 with the merch fling behind, when one of the merch ship blew up Connor Gasped in horror as the ship burst into flames. “I have a bad feeling about this” said Luke. As a sith fighter appeared blasting the hell out of another ship destroying it. “Make that 2” said Connor. The merch with them was so terrified it was hard keeping him from killing himself. Suddenly Connor jumped up and grabbed the controls. “What the hell are you doing” yelled Luke. But Connor didn’t answer, he grabbed the comlink told the other ships something then hit a button 3 times. Feeling confident Connor quickly zoomed up as 3 seismic bombs exploded destroying the sith. “Good move Connor” said Luke. “Thanks master” Connor replied. “Send the army to Yavin there I will revel myself along my new weapon” said the sith. When the jedi reached the jedi temple it was completely deserted except for Jaden. “Where is everyone” Connor asked Luke? “We learned the temple is going to be attacked soon after you return, we are exactly 30 yards away on the south side covered up completely” Jaden replied. The sith named Nilin planed for the attacked, General Grievous III would sneak into The front using his invisibility cloak. As the army attacked all around the temple woods since the jedi new of the attack. Nilin would go with GG3 into the temple. Nilin felt they would win… Stay tuned for Chap 4 Attack on the temple Name: General Grievous III Weapon: Vader’s saber, the saber Sidious lost in the fight with Yoda, Revan’s saber, and Nilius’s saber. Equipment: Saber proof armor, and the force and invisibility cloak. Aligned: Sith/felloow kyeesh army Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 i desided to make this a trilogy :D EDIT: FEEDBACK please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_exile Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 ok the problem is that when your story is being read it sounds like you are reading a script, not a intresting story. you need to put details in every thing and how the characters react and what they are thinking. if your story could walk it would move like a robot, it wouldnt flow like a human does, i hope that makes sence to you and that you take this as constructive critisism, not harshly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 ok the problem is that when your story is being read it sounds like you are reading a script, not a intresting story. you need to put details in every thing and how the characters react and what they are thinking. if your story could walk it would move like a robot, it wouldnt flow like a human does, i hope that makes sence to you and that you take this as constructive critisism, not harshly. I agree, but good. Also Sidious didn't lose his Lightsaber, Yoda lost his. I once had a General Grevious II. Maybe you should do that. And Invisiblity Cloak. Isn't that off Harry Potter? I think you mean a Stealth Field Generator (Off KOTOR/TSL). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 not really a cloak just like in SWTESB the officer says no ship that small a invisiblity cloak thats what i mean. i thought they both lost them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 Or what about a portable cloaking device, lol. Wait, no, that's Star Trek. Good chapter, connor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 16, 2006 Author Share Posted June 16, 2006 thanks niner EDIT: im now working on chapter 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted June 17, 2006 Author Share Posted June 17, 2006 Chapter 4 Attack on the Temple The fleet landed on Yavin 4 30 yards North of the temple. The army started to move aro- und the temple to the south planning to attack the jedi. While GGIII and Nilin went to the temple... Nilin was now in the temple, he had told GGIII to go to find and steal all thejedi holocrones while he went to Jaden’s private quarters. For 2 hours Nilin watched the battle till GGIII returned. “Lord Nilin, I found all the jedi holocrones and this jedi who was returning to the temple” said GGIII. “Good said Nilin satisfied .I could make him my new apprentice, but now we must leave”. When they reached the ship they heard the battle was getting closer. “Hurry general” said Nilin. Suddenly 3 jedi and a sith appeared. The sith doing a flip landed and cut a jedi in Half, quickly turning to the next and was about to kill him when the 3rd removed hishead. “Master Luke Connor yelled help”. 1 of the jedi turned noticing them, and then charged. Nilin pushed him back into a tree knocking him out grabbing Connor he jumped into the ship after GGIII. 1 year later… The jedi had been severely damaged after the fight for the temple and had gone into hiding. Connor had turned to the dark side and was now known as Darth Grivis and his friend Darth Zan okay guys need help on making a good cool sith name for Connor Name:Connor/Darth Grivis age:21 weopon:Red x-saber Master:Nilin/luke Alinged:Sith/jedi Home planet:Skylerc Name: Darth Zan age:21 weopon:Red x-saber master:Nilin alinged:Sith home planet:Skylerc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 17, 2006 Share Posted June 17, 2006 Darth Shadow? Though it sounds a bit cheesy. Good Chapter that could still use some editing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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