Anakin Skywalker Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Not to worry, this won't interfear with my other fic if your reading it, and you like it.... (Also, as usual Feedback is always welcome) :edit: If you read this please leave feed back... Star Wars Revan's True Colors Revan had returned as the Dark Lord, Jedi Master Vandar had been captured by one of Revan's apprentices.... Carth Onasi, now known as Darth Malevont. The Sith Lord had managed to Corrupt so many followers of the Republic, including Mission Vao, and Juhani. Juhani was just a Dark Jedi, but Mission was Revan's third apprentice Darth Shenos. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prolouge It wasn't long after the Jedi Council sent him on his mission with four other Jedi; Carth Onasi, Bastila Shan, Juhani, and Mission Vao. Revan soon discovered the dark entity that had once consumed him was when Admiral Saul Karath had caught him in his ship... but luckly Juhani was able to hide herself in the Force and escape the guards that were searching the ship. She got off and helped Revan, Carth, and Bastila escape so they could go shut down the Tractor Beams so they could get off.... While they were escaping, the three Jedi Padawans ran into Darth Malak, where Malak revealed Revan's true personality. The Jedi Council had programmed his mind to be Cody DeVore, a Scout for the Republic. Bastila and the Jedi Council Members had tricked him! For that, he vowed vengence on the Jedi, but unfortunately his ex-apprentice had destroyed the Enclave upon Dantooine. When they escaped Carth told everyone about Revan's true Identity, the entire Party was shocked, except for Jolee Bindo of course whom had already known. Their final stop was Korriban, where Revan Truely Embraced the Dark side of the Force. On their way to the Star Forge the entire party was forced to Crash land upon a world that was Unknown to them, it's name was Rakta Prime. So Revan went to the One's camp and decided to kill the "Elders" whicht the One was talking about. When he got there he decided to get some information from them before killing them. In the end, he told them his true Identity and slaughtered them. He went up to the Temple of Ancients, where many Dark Jedi awaited him to kill him. He killed all of them and went up to the top, where the Computer was to shut down the Disruptor Field could be shut down at. But he encountered Bastila and told her he was Darth Revan.... but she did not believe him... so she tried to kill him, her attemps were in vain. Revan weakened Bastila, and she pleadged herself to Revan's teachings. Juhani and Jolee said that they would not follow a Sith... but Revan changed Juhani's mind and made her kill Jolee as her initiation into the Sith. They went to the Ebon Hawk, where the Entire Party was... but Carth noticed that Jolee was gone, and Revan answered, "He didn't make it Carth!" He asked what he meant and Bastila answered that Revan had return as the Dark Lord of the Sith. This greatly angered Carth, who struck down Zalbaar and became one of Revan's followers. This angered Mission who threw her lightsaber at Carth, but badly missed and destroyed T3-M4... she too had decided to follow the Sith Lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Skywalker Posted December 4, 2006 Author Share Posted December 4, 2006 Chapter 1 Torturing Vandar... "Master? What is wrong?" Bastila asked Revan. "Nothing, but where is Vandar?" Revan asked in return. "Mission and Carth have him bound up in the Torture chamber. Why?" Bastila asked. "No reason, but I think I'm gonna go give Vandar a little visit." Revan replied. Revan walked over to Bastila and gave her a passionate kiss, which was returned by her to Revan's suprise. "I love you, Bastila." Revan whispered. "I love you, too, Revan." Bastila replied. Revan walked slowly towards the torture chamber, followed by Bastila, Carth, and Mission. He finally reached the chamber. "Ahhh... Master Vandar." Revan said cockily, and mockingly. "Revan... I'll get you and your Sith Armada. The Lightside will prevail!" Vandar shouted at Revan. "But if you were as powerful as you say, then you would have known that I was gonna turn, and when you were talking to Carth, Bastila, and I you should have known that we all three had fallen." Revan replied with a smirk. "Revan, I did not expect three..." Vandar started to say. "FIVE!" Revan corrected the old Jedi Master. "Ok, five of my most promising students would fall to the Dark side, but I certainly didn't expect all three of ya'll to fall and become Sith Lords....." Vandar started again. "I am the only Sith Lord, Vandar.... Bastila is still an apprentice, Carth is Sith Maurader, Mission is a Sith Assassin/ Sith Apprentice, and Juhani... dear, dear Juhani is a Sith Tormentor, torchuring all that will not follow me." Revan corrected the old Jedi Master again. "Revan, how did you fall, I mean, what caused your fall to the Dark side again...." Vandar asked. "Well, I never was going to help you and your dumb little Jedi Order... but when I found out that you lied to me, then it was personal, I was in this for revenge... and you know as well as I do, that revenge leads to the Dark side, which is far more powerful than you strange Order." Revan replied... he no longer wished to hear what Vandar had to say, so he shot Force Lightning into him. Vandar was getting weaker, and aging rapidly. Finally Revan stopped... "Beg for mercy.... and I may let you go." Revan said. "I will NEVER beg for mercy from a Sith!" Vandar shouted. "So be it, Jedi!" Revan mocked, and shot more Force Lightning into the tiny Jedi Master's body. "Vandar, you still have time, you can follow me, become a Sith!" Revan shouted over the Force Lightning shooting out of his hands. "I will not join the Sith!" Vandar screamed in pain. "Fine, but here is your punishment!" Revan shouted again. This time the Force Lightning killed the tiny yet powerful Jedi Master. "Mission, take his body and go put it up on the Command Bridge. Carth go tell the Sith controlling the Star Forge to set coordinates to Courscant, it is time to end this war once and for all!" "Yes, Lord Revan!" They replied in perfect Unison. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 It is good, but I'd hardly believe Carth and Mission would fall to the dark side and become Force Sensitive (Unless you downloaded RedHawke's Mod). Juhani is possible, but she was killed in the Temple of Ancients. Also, Vandar died aboard a Republic ship with Admiral Forn Dodonna, but still it is your Fic and I'm looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Skywalker Posted December 4, 2006 Author Share Posted December 4, 2006 Well, yeah, the Carth and Juhani one was based off a mod, but I always thought that Mission should have followed Revan, and yeah I based Carth and Mission off of a Force Sensetive mod... and I also felt like Vandar needed to die at the HANDS of a Sith, not by a Sith ship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ambrose Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Looks like a great story! My one suggestion would be in the arena of word choice. Your diction seems a little flat, might want to spice it up a tad. For instance, consider your first paragraph (my edits in bold): ----------------------------------------- It hadn't been long after the <<removed "Jedi" to avoid repetition>> Council sent him on his mission with four other Jedi; Carth Onasi, Bastila Shan, Juhani, and Mission Vao. Revan soon discovered the dark identity which posessed him when Admiral Saul Karath imprisoned him aboard the Leviathan... Yet the favor of the Force shined upon the party; Juhani was able to hide herself through the Force and evade the guards that were searching the ship. ----------------------------------------- Don't feel obligated to make changes (in fact, I would discourage you from making changes based on anyone's opinion but your own), but I'd just like to bring up the vast amount of oppurtunities within this awesome work of yours to improve the meaning and feeling of the passage at large (and thus keeping the reader interested) through subtly connotative words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Randus Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 great story, looking to see how it shapes up!! cant wait until the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vaelastraz Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Its a good story but IMO some of your characters are slightly out of place. First of all, Vandar really does sound like an unexperienced Jedi Knight here, not like the wise Master he ought to be. And why is Carth force sensitive? He surely is not. Mission could be, there's no evidence that she could not be force sensitive, but then again, if neither bastila, nor Revan, nor any other Jedi discovers her talent, it is likely that she's not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Skywalker Posted December 4, 2006 Author Share Posted December 4, 2006 Ok, I will say this again, I based this off of Redhawke's Turn Carth into a Jedi and his Turn Mission into a Jedi.... The Dark side ending was based off of a Turn Carth to the Dark side mod(aka Alternate endings)and Turn Juhani to the Dark side. Mission was a comprimise, this is just what I think should have happened. And to answer your question about Vandar, I don't believe him to be a "wise" master, like Yoda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Nice chapter, I like it...BTW, where can I find RHWK's mod? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Skywalker Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 You can find it on his site in his sig.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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