Fuu Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Also, try putting it through MS Word. It will pick up most mistakes I had already suggested this. Do people even read threads before they post anymore? @DA: My suggestion was related to the entire fic. If you leave mistakes on the earlier chapters it's going to put off any new readers <when I read a fic & the first 2 ch have a ton of errata, I stop reading, even if the later chapters are "better"> who might actually get into it. For me, the bottom line with any fic is grammar. No matter how good the story is, if the sentences are awkward or poorly written I (and others, READ: Grammar Wars) am completely put off. This is why I referred you to "A Writers Reference" This is a cheap book that will GREATLY improve one's understanding of proper grammatical structure. If you don’t want to pay for it there are plenty of Grammar tuts. online for free. You really need to put your fic into a typing program, read it a few times, and edit the entire fic for clarity. Once you’ve done that…..do it again. Seriously. My fic has taken me 7-8 revisions to get out all the stuff like that. Many of my revisions were never even posted because I knew there would be something I hadn’t fixed yet. I applaud your commitment, keep working on it. Fuu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 aha ok well i do have an new shortie fic in the works which will be a lot better and hey i've done pretty good for a begginer. I'm glad you like it and i WILL work on it. Thanks Fuu. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 here some more less action packed but has a suprise unless you've figured it out. Chapter 5 The deadly secret “Twelve minutes and twenty second that’s the quickest out of the lot” said Master Elena quite happy. “But it’s not the quickest pair who have won the test.” “You took one wrong turn.” “Which one?” they asked. “At the start you decided took take the safer looking path but you took the plank instead of the alleyway and that put you back on track.” “We give you A plus the only A plus given the class.” “Woohoo!” they both shouted, this had been a brilliant day. The next day each pupil was transported to their parents houses and Gar’s and Corakin’s were particularly happy. With a few days rest from the busy trip they returned to regular Jedi school and the two couldn’t help noticing that Yuan’s lightsaber skills were amazing. Not just good with practice but the master’s said that he was making good attack and defence. “I know it’s bad but we should, well, spy on Yuan” said Corakin. “What?” “Why?” said Gar in a confused tone. “Well Number 1 his skills are amazing Number Two between classes’s he’s nowhere to be seen and Number Three he is always so quiet we should see what he does. See if he goes home for lunch or sulks in a room somewhere.” Corakin was wrong it wasn’t going home for lunch or sulking, far from it. As a few weeks back Master Vanno a mandalorian who was the “real” master of senses was giving them a test that day the one he didn’t want them to fail. There wasn’t much to explain it. Lot’s of questions like what am I thinking of or what’s behind you thing’s like that and results came out Corakin C Minus and Gar A Minus. Master Vanno blabbered on about that competitiveness leads to this and that and that sith were like this and his year report would not be good as his senses were weak. Master Vanno could be a real pain in the butt. After Yuan getting an A star they followed him through to the toilets. He had a leak and he walked out not seeing him. He did not hear or feel them following him despite him getting an A star for his senses test. He went to his locker and opened it up pulling out a lightsaber. “That’s not his lightsaber” whispered Gar. “You’re right.” Then he ignited it to see that I was red and had the mark of a Dark Jedi or sith. Their so know “pitiful friend was far from what they thought he was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMojo Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 I had already suggested this. Do people even read threads before they post anymore? Just skimmed the other posts, but I guess I overlooked it in your post. Another great book is "Practical English Usage" by Michael Swan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fuu Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Look , I want to get back on topic so...... Chapter 5 what do you think? What do you think of Chapter 5? Excuse me? Maybe you need to go read the forum rules again. I pride myself on keeping my posts (almost completely) spam free, and neither of use had really gone off topic. Save your BOT comments for when 5 people repeatedly spam your thread with one liners, and spare those of us who are here to offer help. OH, and if you didn’t want advice you shouldn’t have asked for it. You can't say "How can I make this better" and expect everyone to clam up. Nor can you ask for advice, balk at it, and then act surprised when no one comments on your fic later. On that note: I'm done helping. F Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 ok sorry then. It's just it's going on about books which i have looked at and considered buying but i just want to see what they actually think of the book that's all. Chapter 6 Kids in war “Happy Birthday Corakin!” everyone called when he stepped into his own living room at home. There were cake lots of party food and all the family was there. Gar was there too. It was his fifteenth and now the same age as Gar. There were a few presents. He opened the oddest looking one. It was a quite expensive blaster. “Just in case you forget your lightsaber” said Dad cheerfully. The other two which was a picture of his Mum and Dad (moving) and a notebook for school. Later that day Corakin and Gar played Scary lightsaber where they would go out onto the streets of Courasant and fight each other but wouldn’t hurt each other and sometimes use the force on each other, cut the bins in half, throw their lightsaber and stuff. Which scared the citizens. The next day they were back to school and a horrible thing happened that day. Corakin and Gar were writing an essay in School when there was big blast out in the streets. Then there was fire and no doubt it was Battle Droid fire. Some of the Masters had to leave and assist the clones to take the droids out. For the next few days there was heavy fighting and Yuan seemed happy and Corakin and Gar knew why. The next week there was an announcement in the hall from Great Master Reno. “From Pupils age fifteen above will be missing school somedays to assist the clones and fight out in the streets.” "If the droids take over the streets then they will send in supers and droideikas to the school to kill us all.” It is heard that hey will send General Grievous too.” There was a massive uproar. “We’re too young to fight in the war!” called one child. “I will refuse to fight.” “Noooooooooooo!” Corakin and Gar were devastated they didn’t want to fight they wanted they stay at school and have fun not fight the clone war. Great master Reno must be out of his brains! Then the next day they had realised that Yuan was over fifteen and they had to keep an eye on him. Corakin and Gar went out leading three squads terrified of their possible fate. Corakin’s job was to keep an eye on Yuan and his squad. Corakin watched Yuan lead his squad far away and then he saw a glimpse of him killing them with his “red” lightsaber. “He just killed his squad!” Before they could do anything more battle droids made their first accompanied by a young sith. “We’ll take him!” they shouted together. "Clones focus all fire on the droids." This sith wasn’t much, he had one lightsaber and then after a few minutes of clashing blades and they ignited their second and cut half of his arm off. They took out the droids and then saw up the street Yuan walking down, hooded, with tons, and tons of Battle Droids following him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 From the first post what you wrote and up through to the one now, its been an incredible improvement. My piece of advice, is to really listen as to what these people are saying. They know what they are talking about Would be better if you have a 'little' bt more detail, where it concerns fighting and stuff like that, but hey ... It's your story, and you should write it as you see fit. Waiting to read the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 From the first post what you wrote and up through to the one now, its been an incredible improvement. My piece of advice, is to really listen as to what these people are saying. They know what they are talking about Would be better if you have a 'little' bt more detail, where it concerns fighting and stuff like that, but hey ... It's your story, and you should write it as you see fit. Waiting to read the next chapter. Ok! Gee thanks Mr BFA!!! I will not let you down master! Next chapters up soon. Last chapter Oh well should be the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 lol, i sense a bit of sarcasm in that remark haha, but yeah ... is this the only part, or will there be a sequel to this? Anyways, waiting for the 'best' chapter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 There will be two sequels to the book coming maybe after i've sent a few other shortie fics but here it is!!!!! Chapter 7 The final showdown “Clones go join Jedi Roy and tell him we have to do something!” “Yes Jedi Corakin.” “With two lightsabers we should have an easy battle” Corakin said. “No, I sense he is dangerous, very dangerous.” The more they ran the closer Yuan came and then the droids cut off in single files through different alleyways heading to the battlefield. Then Yuan ran inside a medical centre. “Be careful this could be at trick” said Corakin. They ran in lightsabers ready and saw a glimpse of Yuan’s foot run into the elevator and with the force he closed the door. “Take the stairs!” They ran up and up and then stood in front of where Yuan was meant to step out but no one was in it. They jumped in and then they felt that he was on the second top floor. They ran out and looked to the left and saw him laughing. He ran into a big office with nobody in it and he ignited his lightsaber. It was crimson red sparkling and looked dangerous. “You fools!” he shouted. “You thought I was a friend!” “Not until I while ago, we knew you was sith we saw you igniting your lightsaber.” “Very clever Jedi you have your wits about you yes?” They looked behind and there were two super battle droids. These droids had increased fire power. They jumped behind a desk and blocked the fire towards Yuan who jumped out the way. Then Gar threw his lightsaber slicing both droids. The two then forced jump and made a deadly attack on Yuan. “My name is not Yuan!” he cackled. “My name is Darth Nako!” He force pushed Gar out of the way and he hit the desk banging his head hard. Corakin and Nako where then engaged in a lock and they came free cutting a desk in half. Corakin jumped backwards and threw his lightsaber almost hitting Nako but missed and fell back to his hand. Gar slowly got up and force lifted a chair and threw it towards Darth Nako. “Ahh!” Nako jumped and the desk smashed the large window and they could easily fall out. There many more locks and swings until then Darth Nako jumped and cut of Corakin’s hand! “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” “Help!” Then he kicked Corakin and he fell out the window but managed to grab onto the seal with his remaining hand. Gar was angry and made three deadly swing combo’s and cut Nako’s chest making a hole in his robes. “You Jedi Scum!” Then something Gar was shocked at and Corakin couldn’t belive his eyes Darth Nako let out lightning from his hand and it hit Gar. “Didn’t expect that you fool!” Gar fell unconscious and Nako turned to Corakin hanging. He then pushed one finger of the seal and he was hanging by four then three but suddenly Corakin found strength and jumped from the seal kicking Darth Nako in the face and landing on the desk with two feet. He looked at Gar and felt angry and picked his friend up and carried him to the roof. He put Gar down who was finding breath again and Darth Nako eventually came to the top. Meanwhile Great Master Reno felt a great disturbance in the force and it led him to the Medical centre. Darth Nako flung another electricity shot but Corakin blocked it. Then Nako made a great jump and made a cut on the same arm that lost Corakin’s hand and he was in so much pain and anger. Gar got up and made an attack which would have killed Nako if he hadn’t turned round and blocked it. Then Gar was thrown onto the floor and just as he got up he saw Corakin raging and he let out an explosion with the force which was forbidden at the school and forbidden to any Jedi. Darth Nako was thrown into the air but landed on his feet then made a lock with Gar and then they came off and Gar ignited his second lightsaber and made a deadly spin which Nako struggled to defend and then he came of the spin and swung his two lightsabers into Darth Nako’s stomach. He force pushed him of the building and he fell helpless and dead. The building was collapsing ad the roof was breaking apart from Corakin’s accident. Then Great Master Reno appeared and said. “Come with me at once jump to that building and get out of here!” Just as they stepped of the building it collapsed and they were safe but killed some people in that building who were helpless. The clones had won this battle and the droids stopped making attacks on North Courasant but what was Corakin’s fate be? Had Great Master Reno seen his deadly attack? Will this take him to the Dark Side and what if they don’t have a good enough evidence for killing Yuan? There was a celebration at the end of the day with fireworks for Courasant being saved again. “Courasant is free from war again!” Created by Darth Aida and my friend Connor Inspired by Star Wars (duh!) Sequel- Star Wars Jedi School 2 Droid Invasion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 It seemed ... rushed, especially near the end. A couple of spelling and grammer checks, and it should be fine. But all in all, a nice and enjoyable read Awaiting for the sequel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thank you BFA. I guess it was rushed at the end and i won't bother trying to put it in the Archives ai it's not good enough. However the sequel will be good start to finish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 It could be good enough, just ask someone nicely whether they can read over it and edit where neccessary, for you. I'm sure that there is someone here who could help, but you would kust have to see And as i said, Awaiting for the sequel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 ok thanks, I just put the whole thing in one thread and put [FIN] right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 ok thanks, I just put the whole thing in one thread and put [FIN] right? Yes, that is what you do. Create a new Thread with [FIN] before the Thread title, which for this is Jedi School. It seemed rushed, as Mr_BFA has already said and as he has also said, always take in advice given by other members. It usually helps, unless they're flaming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 yup yup, and a mod will put it in the Archives for you. Edit: Ahh bugger, Pottsie beat me to it, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 oh yeh and you have to put THE END at THE END of the thread. Well that's THE END of this thread. EDIT I've changed my mind the name of the sequel will be called Kin's Demise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 They walked through a gate and there were to paths one which was dark and going downhill and one which was heading to the city they listened to the dark path and heard breathing and they thought they saw shadows so they took the safer way. My throw at it from 12:04 in the morning. The two (I haven't read the rest, this could be 20 people for all I know) continued down the path passing an open gate only to discover a fork. The left path was rather ominous, leading a dark trail downhill towards the direction of the city. They both stopped standing next to one another and listened intently for a few moments. doubting the safety of exploring the path. They only heard the hallow sounds of the wind reverberating off the ferrocrete walls, almost hiding the ragged breathing of dark men lying wait. The two looked at each other in worry and, without word, chose the right path. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 you kinda revived an old thread thread but thanks. I did say i was going to make sequesl but have changed my mind. No sequels i have another saga in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Err, yeah. I couldn't help it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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