Daft Adidas Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Betrayal by Force............ coming soon! My new shortie fic coming soon!!! Once my other fic is over on another thread i shall start this one and oh here's the link for Star Wars Jedi School. http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174507 I am looking forward to writing it and i hope you guys look forward to reading it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Looking forward to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Looking forward to it. Agreed. One thing to improve on is not to rush Fics, whether it's short or long. That lesson I learnt a while ago, yet I sometimes still rush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 lol don't worry i won't rush it Prologue: Master Tiar and his Padawan James have known each other for four years now but when James meets a strange hooded character his mind is caused to change, making him see his Master Differently. However Tiar is not aware of this until he met his Padawan on a Rebublic Cruiser above Courasant. Padawan James is not the only one who has met this strange fellow but many other Padawans have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 lol don't worry i won't rush it Prologue: Master Tiar and his Padawan James have know each other four years now but when James meets a strange hooded character his mind almost changes making him see his Master Differently and Tiar is not aware of it untill he meets his Padawan on a Rebublic Cruiser above Courasant. Padawan James is not the only one who has met this strange fellow but many other Padawans have. OK, good spelling and all, but in that first paragraph, not a single full stop. Read through it, and when you need to take a breath ... put a full stop in, lol. And comma's aswell, gotta have the comma's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 lol don't worry i won't rush it Prologue: Master Tiar and his Padawan, James have known each other for four years now. James met a strange hooded character, which caused his mind to change. This made him see his master differently and Tiar is not aware of it, until he met his Padawan on a Rebublic cruiser above Coruscant. Padawan James was not the only one who had met this strange fellow, but many other Padawans have. Rushed and very short. Sorry Mr_BFA, but this isn't good spelling at all and I hope I don't offend you Darth Aida. Above is how it should look and yes as Mr_BFA has already said, no punctuation. Remember, full stops and commas. My guess is that English is not your normal language and you're beginning to learn it. My suggestion is to read some other Short Fics around here to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Hey, ive got glasses for reading, lol. So when i say something has very good spelling and stuff, it most likely hasn't, haha. (im not wearing my glasses, so it explains for all mistakes im pick *ahem* not picking up on this evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Rushed and very short. Sorry Mr_BFA, but this isn't good spelling at all and I hope I don't offend you Darth Aida. Above is how it should look and yes as Mr_BFA has already said, no punctuation. Remember, full stops and commas. My guess is that English is not your normal language and you're beginning to learn it. My suggestion is to read some other Short Fics around here to help. I am English, and I am young. I have alot to learn and some of the things you made bold were not wrong at all. However some were. I will Edit this then. It wasn't rushed and was MEANT to be short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 I was walking along the road and for some reason I felt uncomfortable. Just doing some stuff for the Council and my Master on Courasant and for no reason I turned into a dark alleyway. I was scared. Why was I doing this. "Ok just turn back now" I said to myself. But I wouldn't. My heart was thumping hard and slowly I edged forward. Then my head hurt and there was a voice. "Come closer." "Who are you and why have you brought me here." "Come closer, James I will not hurt you" said the strange voice. My feeling were mixed between, confusion and feeling scared. "I have to go" I called. "Nobody Is waiting for you" called the voice getting louder. "I still have to go." I could hear this "thing" stepping closer and a shiver went down my spine. "Leave me alone!" I turned round and left the alleway when something made me trip over. "I wouldn't go If I was you James" It cackled. "How do you know my name!" "Come closer or Master Tiar will not be pleased." "What you know him?" "I know him but he does not know me." "Who are you?" "Darth Heros!" I ignited my sparkling blue lightsaber and I could see his young face. "I want to show you something, but I only will if you put away your lightsaber!" I put it away. He turned around and I stood beside him and there was a wall at the end of the alleyway which I could hardly see. Then i could see him concentrating and the wall smashed into pieces ajd he beckoned me to follow. "Would you like to do that?" "I would but only as a Jedi" I shouted. "Then you will die" he said sadly. "You shall not kill me!" "Who said I was killing you?" " "In a month I predict that you will be killed by another sith." "Join me!" "Will you join me?" "I, I pledge myself to your teachings, My Master." That was something I should have never done. Part 2 later! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Good, but again puncuation needs to be checked. A bit rushed i thought, especially where the character pledged himself so easily. I thought for a Jedi, he would have to go over by a little more persuasion than just saying that you would be killed by another Sith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Perhaps some of the things I bolded were wrong, but you need to remember punctuation and spelling/grammar. Courasant is spelt Coruscant and for example, Why was I doing this needed a question mark and not a full stop. As Mr_BFA has already said, it is rushed and if you spent a bit more time on it, then it will look a lot better. Edit: When you said you were young, you are only eight days older than me and that doesn't give you any excuse to write in this way. Sorry if I sound rude and if I didn't welcome you before, welcome to the Forums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Perhaps some of the things I bolded were wrong, but you need to remember punctuation and spelling/grammar. Courasant is spelt Coruscant and for example, Why was I doing this needed a question mark and not a full stop. As Mr_BFA has already said, it is rushed and if you spent a bit more time on it, then it will look a lot better. Edit: When you said you were young, you are only eight days older than me and that doesn't give you any excuse to write in this way. Sorry if I sound rude and if I didn't welcome you before, welcome to the Forums. It wasn't rushed and thank you for welcoming me. There is only one more part to it and that might not be better as I am not confident with writing about lightsaber duels. Anyway here it is. Thanks for telling me how to spell Coruscant. Part 2.................... I walked along to the Jedi Council and thoughts were rushing through my head. Am I doing the right thing?? I'm sure i've heard that name before. I walked in and was shocked at the look of the place. Then four padawans ignited their lightsabers and said... "Don't move Jedi or i'll kill you under the name of Darth Heros!" "I am no Jedi anymore, I have met Darth Heros too, just now infact." "Where are the Jedi?" "We killed them?" they laughed. "What about Tiar?" I asked. "He escaped to a cruiser above Coruscant." At that moment a call came in on my radio. "James, James? Do you read me?" called my Master. "Yes Master" I said to him. "Where are you?" "Er........ In my ship" I lied. "Why? "My radar said you was on a cruiser above Coruscant so I decided to come, I have nothing else to do" I lied again. "Something terrible has happened and when you get here I need to tell you about it." "Ok Master." I decided to get in a ship and take a suprise with me and to carry that suprise i took a gunship. I could see my Master putting out the shield so I could get through. I landed and I looked at him so happy to see me but I don't know why I did this but I felt that I had to. Then the doors opened and five Clone Commanders with heavy chainguns jumped out and fired at my master. He struggled to block them and looked at me with disgrace. I was suprised to see that he took them out by blocking back the fire. I got out and we stared at each other and he spoke first. "What in the blazes do you think your doing?" "I'm sorry Master but I have found someone far better to teach me than you" I said with my eyes closed. "It dosn't mean you can kill me!" "If that's what my master wishes then I must do it." "But i'm your Master!" "What have I done to deserve this?" "Tiar come with me and we can rule Coruscant and the rest of the galaxy!" "Are you out of your mind!" "No, now come with me!" I shouted. "Is this a joke!" "No! Are you coming or not?" I said calmer this time. "Who is this new Master?" "Heros, Darth Heros." I said almost proudly. "How can you, he's a sith!" "I know! He had the most great force powers and you could have them too!" "No i'm not a Sith!" "I'm a Jedi!" "The sith are Evil!" "From my point of view all Jedi are evil!" I should not have said that. "Then your lost!" "If you are a Jedi than you are my enemy!" "Come on James we don't have to fight we can fight together against this Heros!" "No! Last week I fought with you and I won't be doing it again!" I ignited my lightsaber and charged at him while he ignited his yellow one. Our blades clashed and I was more fast than him. He had trouble blocking me and I swung at his feet. He jumped and attacked my head. I just managed to block him and then I force pushed him away. "We don't have to fight!" I just attacked him. I force jumped over him when he made a charge. "I thought you was better than this Tiar!" "Oh don't worry this isn't my best!" he souted back. I was too over confident and we came to a lock then we broke apart and he slashed my arm. I have never felt so much pain before and while I lay there my past came back to me. When I was born and my parents, while I was a child, my first job, Jedi Academy and then meeting him. I thought with me on the ground he would have killed me but he didn't. I looked up at him and grimaced. "Why James why?" "Now I'm the only Jedi left!" "I can't believe you was fooled by Heros's tricks!" I still have the scar in my arm now but I will never live down the terrible deed I did. So to make myself feel better I had to a good deed. I walked down the same alleyway where Heros waited for me. "Is he dead?" "No and I shall not try to again." "What do you mean James!" he roared. "I mean your dead!" I ignited my blue lightsaber and put it straight through his heart. He uttered one last sentence before dying.. "Very clever Jedi, you would have made a good sith." Maybe one day I should visit Tiar because I feel that he is still alive but he might never forgive me. That's just my story of a bad thing I did. So I have killed someone in my life. A thing in my childhood i would have never tried to do and here I am talking about trying to kill my Master and friend. So now I am one of the last Jedi left. Thank you for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 This is first person? Mmm...Not bad for a first attempt. Face it...My first fic is a lot worse than yours. Keep up and I see that the Jedi gave in the anger. A good plot twist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 This is first person? Mmm...Not bad for a first attempt. Face it...My first fic is a lot worse than yours. Keep up and I see that the Jedi gave in the anger. A good plot twist. Actually this is Aida's second attempt, since she wrote another Fic, but it was a long Fic. CSI, you're first attempt at writing a Fic wasn't bad, but let's not go off-topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 who said i was a she???? I'm a he! Thnak you for the comments i guess my first book was pretty crap but i'm glad this one was better. What do you rate it out of ten? Excluding the Prologue?? My hope would be seven or eight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 who said i was a she???? I'm a he! Thnak you for the comments i guess my first book was pretty crap but i'm glad this one was better. What do you rate it out of ten? Excluding the Prologue?? My hope would be seven or eight. Sorry about saying you were a female. Sometimes it's hard to tell. For the record, I'm also a male. Anyway, I think this is better than you're other Fic, but I'll give this 7/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Sorry about saying you were a female. Sometimes it's hard to tell. For the record, I'm also a male. Anyway, I think this is better than you're other Fic, but I'll give this 7/10. That's ok. Yes this is for sure btter than my other fic. Thanks a seven i am pleased with as i am only a begginer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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