[Fic] Galactic Comedy Central: The Daily Korrbolt

[JediMaster12]

Galactic Comedy Central: The Daily Korrbolt

 

Thirty seconds to show time and Jon Korrbolt was not nervous but excited. He had been trying for quite awhile to get someone who had been there at the victory over the Star Forge to interview. He had encountered resistance mainly from the Jedi half of the expedition. Jon figured that was to be expected since the Jedi were not ones to be paraded around in a fashion such as what went on his holonet show.

 

Tonight was different. After many days of heckling to downright begging, he finally managed to get someone to come down and be interviewed. In preparation, he composed his segment related entirely to the Star Forge victory. Things looked as if they were going to go well tonight. Instead of taped, tonight’s segment will be shown live to millions of viewers. Seeing that it was almost time, he went to the desk that was the trademark of his show and sat.

 

****

 

The light of the holo projected its familiar glow as two people, a man and a woman settled on the sofa. The woman looked excited for the show to start. She was seated near the edge of her seat while the man next to her looked bored but was willing to anything just to please the woman beside him. Besides, she promised that he would see something funny though it didn’t matter to him since it usually was comedic. He sat in his seat and pretended to be excited which was hard to do when the woman leaned into him and said, “It’s starting.”

 

****

 

Jon Korrbolt waited until his cue monitor told him to begin. He looked at the camera and smiled, “Good evening and welcome to the Daily Korrbolt. Tonight we have a special line up from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.”

 

Korrbolt waited until the crowds stopped cheering to begin his next sequence, “Well we should all be cheering seeing that galactic security switched hands yet again for the Republic. A good thing since the last set was a little on the dark side.”

 

****

 

“Is this what you wanted me to watch Rev?” Carth asked. He had made a promise to watch it with Revan but this was ridiculous.

 

“Just keep watching. I promise that you will be laughing your head off by the end of the show,” Revan replied with a grin on her face. “Now shush.”

 

****

 

“After Darth Revan was killed, Darth Malak took over things though it may have been as a means to compensate for something,” Korrbolt looked at the camera and began to rub his throat. He kept a straight face, his trademark, as the audience laughed and clapped. He continued, “In the end he was cut down to size though that is rumored to not have helped his singing voice any. He did make a nice tenor.”

 

As the audience laughed, Korrbolt couldn’t help but think about his guest. That was the highlight of tonight’s episode. Taking a breath he then switched to his next topic.

 

****

 

“Ok that bit about Malak was somewhat funny,” Carth commented under his breath. He wasn’t sure what it was that Revan was so excited about.

 

Revan responded with a smack to his arm and laid a finger across her lip, warning him to be quiet.

 

****

 

Korrbolt looked at the camera after taking a breath. He continued, “Good news from Manaan. It’s just as watery as ever.”

 

The audience began to laugh and he added, “Oh don’t you cry for me.” Keeping a straight face, he continued with the hint of a smile on his face, “It has finally been disclosed that the enchantment under the sea is a giant fish. A little too large for the goldfish bowl if you ask me.

 

“It is an enchantment in that it has been graced with an unusually large set of teeth thus giving it another title: Jaws.”

 

The crowd began to laugh as Korrbolt knew they would. He gave a smile but was straight faced as he said, “Oh my, there goes another helpless tourist of Ahto.” Again the audience laughed and clapped. Korrbolt continued, “I know I personally wouldn’t go near those teeth but the only person who got a close up ended up on the inside.” Korrbolt then pointed his finger at the audience, “Just remember that if you dare to go down there, make sure that your mercenary life insurance is up to date.”

 

The audience clapped as Korrbolt smiled and then said, “Coming up we have our relations team out on the Dune Sea and our special guest for the night coming up right after our break.”

 

****

 

“That was an interesting bit,” Carth replied as an advertisement came on, “If I recall yours wasn’t exactly up to date. In fact you didn’t have any.”

 

“Any what?” Revan asked slightly confused.

 

“Mercenary life insurance,” Carth replied grinning at her, “In your case I think you need to upgrade to the Jedi version of life insurance.”

 

Realizing that he was teasing her, Revan replied grinning, “Unfortunately you aren’t covered.”

 

“Oh and why not?”

 

“No Force powers,” Revan replied solemnly.

 

Carth responded with a tickle attack that had her gasping for air. When she saw that the show was coming back on, she slapped his arm saying, “Stop it. It’s back on.”

 

“Fine. I still haven’t seen what is so funny though,” Carth replied while turning his gaze to the holonet.

 

****

 

So far the first half went well, Korrbolt thought to himself. Now he had to get ready for his last two segments. He directed himself to the camera. When the cue came, he started, “And we are back with the Daily Korrbolt. Recently alien relations have seen major improvement throughout the Outer Rim.”

 

The screens behind Korrbolt showed a scene where a fight was happening in a cantina between humans and aliens. Korrbolt kept a straight face as the audience laughed. He then said, “Things are going so well that we have our official correspondent to Tatooine there right now to report. Mission Vao.”

 

****

 

“Mission works for that show?” Carth asked incredulously.

 

“Well you did say that she should go legitimate in her life and she thought this was up to her talents,” Revan replied smiling.

 

“Is that what you wanted me to see?”

 

“Nope. The best part is yet to come.” Revan then turned to watch Mission’s segment.

 

****

 

Korrbolt looked at the camera and next to it was the image of Mission Vao against a desert background. To the audience, they would appear side by side. When he saw her he said, “Mission nice to see you again. How are you?”

 

Mission looked as sweet as ever. Wearing her own brand of street clothes that would help her blend in with Tatooine, she looked as young and as if she were out for an adventure, her lekku hanging down her back. She greeted Korrbolt, “Great Jon and things are really looking up here on Tatooine.”

 

“And how good is it?” Korrbolt asked.

 

“I wouldn’t know. I don’t do that kind of thing,” Mission replied.

 

The audience laughed at the straight face she held while Korrbolt looked confused. He stuttered a bit as he replied, “Mish I meant the alien relations.”

 

“I wouldn’t know about that either. Who wants to see that?” Mission replied. She waited until the laughs died down before continuing, “But if you want to know how people here are getting along as we call it, there have been four raids this past week. A major improvement from the seven raids a week.”

 

“So there are still raids then?”

 

“Oh yes Jon but not as many as before. In fact Czerka Corporation says that, and I quote, ‘Sand People raids have decreased substantially enough to allow for the complete and absolute pullout of the mining operations.’

 

“You might as well say that the raids have been good for everybody. People are leaving allowing for more people to move in. So we are cooperating here.”

 

Korrbolt still looking confused asked, “But what about the other people?”

 

“Cooperating,” Mission replied, “The village people are either in the hunting lodge or the cantinas fighting over who is the best of their game. Usually a pazaak match solves it and even those guarantee some entertainment, especially if someone is caught cheating.”

 

The audience laughed as Korrbolt tried to make sense of everything. He didn’t say anything for Mission continued, “In other respects the Jawas continue to scavenge for spare parts and stolen droids while continuing to be slaves to the Sand People. They do say that things have improved in that they are no longer beaten by the whip and gaffi.”

 

“So you are saying that while things are bad, they are good?” Korrbolt asked trying to assess what he just heard.

 

“That’s right Jon. People here are actually getting along with each other. Fights if anything has decreased enabling more people to go out and get beaten up. It had improved much since the days of the one people affectionately call ‘Metal Mouth,’” Mission replied.

 

The audience laughed as a Mission stood staring at Korrbolt with a smile. Korrbolt looked like he wanted to laugh but instead smiled back and said, “Thank you Mission.”

 

“Thank you Jon. The next time we meet, you should come over and we’ll beat you up.”

 

“Ok, that’s is,” Korrbolt smiled as the screen with Mission disappeared. The audience clapped as he tried hard not to laugh. He kept this look for a few seconds while the audience quieted down. He continued, “I know where my next vacation is not going to be. Anyway next up we have a very special guest. He is the author the new best selling holo novel Death by an Assassin. He is also a hero from the Star Forge victory. Please join me as I welcome Hunter K. 47,” and Korrbolt stood up and did a dance run to his interviewing area. The audience clapped and cheered as he made his way to the area where a rust colored droid was sitting in a chair. Next to him sat an astromech droid of the T series. He held out his hand to shake and said, “Hello Hunter K. 47.”

 

Hunter K. 47, better known as HK-47 looked at the proffered hand and Korrbolt with a blank stare. His red eye blinked as he said, “Greeting: Hello to you conservative broadcaster. I am HK-47 a fully automated Systech Corporation model.”

 

Korrbolt, not put out by the nonexistent handshake, sat down and asked, “HK-47? I thought that your name was Hunter K. 47?”

 

HK stared at Korrbolt, his eyes flickering, “Answer: Merely a turn of phrase.”

 

Korrbolt smiled and said, “Ok.” This wasn’t what he expected of his guest. Had he known that HK-47 was an assassination model, he would have balked at even having him on the show. He asked, “In your latest novel, you tell the story of a person getting killed by a droid. Why a droid?”

 

“Statement: A droid of such superior craftsmanship is always eager to engage in some unadulterated violence,” HK replied.

 

“As long as he has a master right?” Korrbolt asked.

 

“Observation: You organic meatbags always enjoy such forms of address,” HK answered in his straight way.

 

The reaction was like choking on water as the audience started belting out with laughter. Korrbolt stared at the droid in amazement. He couldn’t believe the droid had just said that. He asked, “Meatbag?”

 

“Explanation: You have those squishy parts and all that water…”

 

“It’s a wonder the constant sloshing doesn’t drive me mad,” and Korrbolt put his head in his hands while the audience laughed.

 

“Commentary: I am programmed to provide psychological assistance. Do you require some?” HK-47 was most anxious to serve.

 

Korrbolt shook his head no while it was still in his hands. When he raised his head, it looked as if he had been trying hard not to laugh. He repeated his answer, “No but your novel. What has made your novel a big success?”

 

At this time the T3 unit beeped a reply. It sounded as if it were angry at HK but HK turned to it and said, “I am being nice you bucket of bolts,’ then made a sound like he was clearing his throat, “Answer: I have observed that meatbags in general are drawn to such violence. To cater to this desire improves communications and puts an end to hostilities.”

 

“And if they protest?”

 

“Commentary: I say we blast the meatbags and save them the trouble,” HK said it so matter of fact that the audience was laughing out loud.

 

The T3 unit then began beeping at HK in an angry tone. Korrbolt looked at the droid and thought that its voice processor was going to explode at the rate he was talking to the droid. He didn’t say anything but watched as what looked like the astromech chewing out the protocol droid.

 

HK listened to T3 and replied, “The meatbag asked for an honest answer and I gave one.”

 

T3 beeped at him.

 

“It was better than the comment on love and blasting a meatbag.”

 

The audience was amused and Korrbolt looked stunned. He couldn’t believe this whole conversation was happening. The audience loved it though. He saw that his half hour was up and said, “Alright. Well I wish you luck on the novel. Remember Death by an Assassin is available. Good night.”

 

“It was not your idea to write about Malak,” HK was still arguing with T3.

 

T3 beeped at HK.

 

“You were the one that said I shouldn’t put in how I would have gladly ripped out his entrails right then.”

 

Korrbolt tried to calm the two down but they were still arguing as the camera dimmed to end the show.

 

****

 

“HK wrote a novel?” Carth asked still surprised that he had just seen HK and T3 on the Daily Korrbolt.

 

“On our Star Forge mission,” Revan replied.

 

Carth didn’t look at her mused to himself, “Why this show?” He looked and saw Revan trying to be innocent and failing miserably. He then said, “That wasn’t very nice Rev.”

 

“T3 was there to keep him in line. It was HK’s project after all,” Revan replied trying the little girl innocence. “Besides I felt sorry for the guy. He had been trying to interview someone from the Star Forge mission and had been failing.”

 

“And you thought that by letting him interview HK, he would get what he wanted?” Carth asked.

 

“Well yes,” Revan replied, “but there are some benefits.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

“I promised a whole week’s worth of interviews with everyone.”

[Emperor Devon]

Written well enough, but I've never really been one for the humor I've seen from my (very limited) exposure to stand-up TV comedy. Still, I was very amused by Mission's talk of how there were less fights and more people getting beat up.