lord-nihilus Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Cathar world, Night, Metal beasts flying all over; it was a hell for Cathar. Red beams spread down like a drops in a rainstorm; smoke, skeletons, Mandalorians. Juhani woke up in the jedi enclave on dantooine and inhaled the fresh air; there was nothing better than pure wind of Dantooine. Juhani stood up and headed towards door leading to the courtyard of the academy. Everybody else were still in sleep or meditating but she was going to practice her lightsaber skills with her master Quatra, she did not know why but she felt approaching joy inside her soul. "Today my pupil" Quatra started "Right now" "i shall promote you to the rank of padawan. Juhani felt happynes it was best moment of her life since she joined the jedi "But you must do something to earn this promote" "Anything master" Juhani said Then suddenly Quatra revealed her silver doublebladed lightsaber; Juhani blocked the attack. She was outraged her master was attacking her she gathered all her strenght and stroke Quatra down. Juhani saw Quatra´s cut off hand and she realized what she had done trembling of horror she step backwards and ran away. She embraced her anger, and sat down to meditate inside the sacret grove of the jedi. Yet she saw hope in returning to light, hope that would come true Soon. End Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Kalverys Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I know that I'm not very good, but if you would like, I could proof read your stories for you, and edit them for you. I've seen several errors in this one and the previous story. Just thought I'd offer to help, cause I know how bad people can get here... also, you need to elaborate a little more. Good job overall though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Overall good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Very good. As before there are a few mistakes but honestly I myself make plenty of them. They dont really bother me but some people can be pretty harsh on grammar. I think a little more could be added as it was an intruiging (sp?) (see there I go spelling things wrong ) story but quite short. Quite good especially for its short legnth. Rueben has offered to proofread and I will too if you want it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 You now have three choices, I also offer to proofread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lord-nihilus Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 well i would appriciate help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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